(please note: most of this stuff was written shortly after the SpaceJump…btw: any productnames that AREN’T real by this day, I hereby claim intellectual ownership of the name!)

Since Felix Baumgartner’s spacejump I concluded, Apple should jump the trend of corporate space exploration.

Since RedBull has a better space program than NASA or ESA – at least people wise – I’m convinced with all the money Apple has, it could come up with even greater stuff for future generations, and the Hipsters can say “I liked space before it was cool!” (to which all the trekkies out there will reply with the Vulcan hand greeting “No, WE liked space before it was cool”).

But seriously.

If apple went to space they could have all kinds of cool Apple branded shit floating around. Their spacestation (for wealthy tourists) could be called iSpace or iOrbit, and communication with earth is done via iTalk.

Their version of a shuttle will be the iFly.

They even could take over SETI and smuggle it in the background of iTunes, the feature cannot be turned off and will be called iAlien. It sorts through the space signals, much like Seti, but the user will never know whether his computer helped in finding shit. The iAlien will also be included in all Apple products that have an internet connection: iPod, iPad, iPhone.

But I digress.

The toilet aboard iSpace will be designated iCrap, right before you go on a space walk in the apple branded and designed spacesuit iWalk.

You can also reach the new mothership via a space elevator called the “iLift”.

BUT!

This is only the first station along the way to deeper space. Commercial lunar colony “iMoon” will be the next step along the way to “iMars”. Air supply in all of these stations will be called “iBreathe”, and in the greenhouses of the stations on Moon and Mars they have iTrees, that grow iFood!

First Apple has to sponsor another crazy man jumping from the edge of space and call the event “iBasejump”.

Where and when was it conceived that Corporations should go into space? Especially corporations that would take REAL exploration and commercialize it?

RedBull would have cameras EVERYWHERE, and life broadcast every thing that happens on the RedBull spacestation via their own TV channels. Apple would call everything “i-“, as showed above. “Hey we found an unusual rock in the plains of mars, we call it the iRock”. Their logo feces would be smeared EVERYWHERE.

If this continues, soon we’ll have a commercial spacestation called “iSpace” orbiting earth in the shape of bitten apple, waking the unnerving feeling of a deathstar pointed at earth in some of us.

Why do the US cut NASA’s budget into little bits and spends a multitude of that money on fucking airconditioning in the fucking desert?

Just the airconditioning! Not war assets or something, just the fucking airconditioning! You know, if it’s too hot – DON’T GO THERE! Drop your bombs and sod off.

No we leave space exploration to corporations.

You can map out where these corporations will settle on mars already! Some Linux/Unix corporation will camp inside Olympusmons, not only might some still present geothermal heat provide power for them, but the mountain shields them from radiation – which will come down to Mars’ surface since there ain’t a Magnetosphere – plus, they will not have to build any Windows …

Hard competition at Olympus Mons with fucking apple who would rename the mountain for the “iMars” station into “iVolcano”…

Redbull would stage races in the asteroidbelt together with NASCAR, just for shits and giggles.

Operating from their Martian Orbital jumping station.

I can totally see RedBull hogging shit from the Red Planet in heart beat. Just as I can see Apple smearing its Brand logo in the rusty red martian sand.

Now the only corporation hellbent on settling on Venus – a planet so inhospitable we named it after the goddess of love – will be Microsoft.

Why?

Because they love harsh conditions.

Windows IS a harsh condition!

The first three attempts to land a probe will end in the thing freezing up, the fourth and fifth will veer off course the sixth, seventh and eighth will burn up and/or crash the ninth, as they are settling for just a lunar colony, will be a triumphant success. Everything will go on just like that.

Meanwhile NASA and ESA will announce that they have discovered a new fuel and promptly get sued by apple because the molecular structure of that fuel looks like an iPad.

Samsung and Google wont bother with the Inner Solarsystem and go right for a cutting edge base on planetoid Pluto.

Just watch out for the Apple Mothership in the shape of a bitten-off Apple, because our fears were correct – it IS a deathstar…

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