reallyReally YouTube?

Really?

It isn’t enough that I am tormented with advertising to the right side of many videos, it isn’t enough that I have to click away a banner °inside° the video(frame), it isn’t enough that the advertising sluts are wiping their filthy asses with valuable seconds of my life BEFORE a video starts – NO.

Now I am getting a suggestion (!) for an ADVERTISMENT in my channelfeed and suggestion section.

Really?
Everywhere I turn I get advertising in my face. “Buy this toiletbowl scrubber it’ll improve your sexlife.” – really? “Yes really!”
You see, the advertising cretins are selling E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G with sex. I never understood the connection between a coffeemachine and a sexy female.
Having a new coffeemachine  didn’t ever help me getting any. (Yes such a series of ads were running here in Austria and Germany back in the late 80s and early 90s)
Shut up, sod off and die.

There so much crap being tossed at you in these advertisements – which proves that we decended from monkeys, we’re still a large group of feces flinging apes.

20 somthing woman: “Mom, I have a problem, I am constipated, do you know that feeling?”
No sweetie, she doesn’t. What you don’t know is that your mom had died giving birth to you and was replaced by an android, and an android has no idea what constipation feels like…OF COURSE SHE DOES! Cut the crap and go for the truth: “Mom I have constipation, any suggestions on how to get rid of it?”

The medicinal products, and health supporting products, that are all of a sudden popping (or pooping) up in the advertising aisle are baffling me. “Do you feel bloated after eating? Eat this Yoghurt and you will feel flattened, and become sexy!” Mentally I insert a loud and long farting sound at that point to illustrate the way it works. “Maaaan I feel stuffed, but this’ll help!” *chums-down-yoghurt* *faaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt* “Better! Bring the second Turkey mum!”

What bothers me the most is the advertisements using sex to sell a product that actually should help you get laid better/faster. “The false eyelash mascara, makes you irresistible.” I got bombarded with an ad on YouTube lately, I skipped it everytime so I have no clue what it is for in the end but it started like “Did you ever wonder why the women you are not interrested in are attracted to you, and the women you are interrested in aren’t?” *skip* – if I need your product or advise for that I shouldn’t be able to reproduce, in that case I think I would’ve forfitted my right to reproduce. Besides, all knowing admachine, I have a wife, we’re having a baby in July. Obviously I did something right.
“Plain hair on tuesday, curly hair on friday – your hair has to endure a lot of stress, the new heat protective …” WHO CARES?? Stop redoing your hair every other day, and while you are working on “Being recognizable” ditch the Flypeople sunglasses.
I hate these: “Hi, it’s me, don’T you recognize me?” Sorry, but I don’t know any flies. These shades cover half your frickin face, and you expect me to recognize you? If it were that simple Batman would’ve been recognized as Bruce Wayne a long time ago!

So YouTube tracks my movement across its site – good. Suggest shit I’d like, thanks.
But, YouTube is part of the google empire, hence YouTube knows, what google knows. I’m a male, I live in Austria, I fancy history, science, science fiction, fantasy, comedy, and more. So why would the suggested, targeted ad I got yesterday be for a feminine hair line product?
If you HAVE to be a pain in the ass, be one that is personalized.
At least gendered.
I certainly don’t need styling for plain hair by L’Oreal Austria!

Another trend in advertising I have noticed is going for the lowest common denominator. People get dumber all the time, dumber and dumber. I remember times when advertising was served with a highbrow, or with details about the product, but eversince the dentists-wives and -daughters said they recommend a certain toothpaste shit got worse. Really? They aren’t dentists, so why would I heed their recommendation? The dentist in question could tell them that they are using shit, and they say “I don’t care, I recommend this quarz-mud toothpaste!” Stupid BS!

The organic lies!
“This stuff is homegrown, ecologic clean conscience, organic food!” – it comes from a major brand, hence it is anything BUT homegrown! George Carlin has written/spoken about this quite a lot, only that the organic bullshit hadn’t been launched fullscale back then. But I completely agree with him on that. You want homegrown, organic food? GROW SOME! And save the seeds asshole. If you need to go and BUY seeds you get fucked over by monsanto and consorts.

Voodoo powder!
My son is a year old and shares everything with his friends.” *kid eats cake hands spoon to friend who eat with it* “But is he safe?” no. The minute the little kid pops out of you, he is in danger. The very minute his existence began actually.
But pumping them full with Voodoo powder milk that should boost his health or what ever is probably making him sick. Your mum stopped breastfeeding you at about 6 months old. Maybe later. Did you survive? If the answer is yes, guess what.
THATS THE WAY TO GO! Your immune system needs to be under attack to build up a defense, thats how most vaccines work. A virus that has been made inactive gets injected into your bloodstream, your immunesystem learns all about it and is capable of defending against it if the real shit came along. Same goes for your kid’s immunesystem. Voodoo powder at best delays the inevitable! Feed the little ones a helathy diet, lots of vitamins, not so much sugar (no artificial sweeteners!) and he’ll be off good. Stop throwing your Voodoo powder down my direction! After all – countless generations have survived wothout it, and the argument it boosts brain development – Alber Einstein had no Voodoo Powder, and became THE Albert Einstein.

Rise and shine.
“Rising cities, here you are the mayor…” *skip* – I don’t care for any of your stupid little browser games, or facebook games. I already touched that topic in pt.1

Rinse and shine – this cleaning lotion gets you over pimples…shut up. That shit dries out your skin, and you will have to get a moisturizer, which cloggs up your pores, which GIVES YOU PIMPLES!
While I’m at the topic of creams and rinses.  “The L’Oreal youthCode, plant stemcells, rejuvenating”… AGE IN DIGNITY! If one more of the old cuntbags shows up on my screen telling me how she still has perfect smooth skin at 70, all because of the freaking cream and wash, I’m gonna kill every beauty surgeon on the planet! Let’s see how she fares then!

Cars to die for.
New cars that only use 4.5 liters of gas per 100 kilometers and have a hybrid engine are being hailed as the new green stuff.
It isn’t. There is nothing green, natural, environment friendly, ecologic or even economic about a fucking car! Get it into your heads folks, these things make you fat, cost money and pollute. ALWAYS.
You want a green car? Take Flinstones mobile or a fully electric one.
One that doesn’t burn stuff, that is green. Now stop trying to sell cars as green and peaceful that are anything BUT!

Furniture for Idiots.
I don’t know wether you my dear readers are tormented with furniture stores advertising like they had a lobotomy, I certainly am, like my fellow Austrians. They have a red couch – barely room enough for two people, costing almost 3.000Euro, now redesigned with goggly eyes and a stuck out tongue, for reasons of insane price days…or a family that originally lived in the store, and I hated them from the start all those years ago. They get sillier, and sillier, noisier, and noisier, and I loathe them. Or a superhero who slashes living cartoon prices in half, and they are happy afterwards – I sometimes ask myself whether the brains behind it have escaped from a uberbrutal S&M ring, or whether they are targeting the people who have been watching too much Tom&Jerry in their childhood. The screaming teenage girl Ikea throws at us lately is just the tip of the iceberg, but it is enough. THrow the little cunt in her room, lock the door, bar the window(s) and let her calm down.

Clothes for naked people.
Yes, you read that correct. But actually it’s naked people making a case for clothes they barely wear. Scantly dressed whores (sorry feminists, but if you look at them in any other way I doubt your vision is clear) and beefed up douchebags (sorry malinists, see above) with open shirts are NOT making a case for your cloths. Yes, cloths, not clothes.
These rugs are barely something to ware but stuff to wipe the floor with. But that is another topic, the ads with naked people for CLOTHES eludes me. I don’t get it. Neither do I understand why women would buy shoes after seeing a skinny chick wear them naked in ads.

I know that some YouTubers make their living with YouTube, and thus with advertising. In all honesty, although I am a fan of some of them, I hope the entire advertising industry crashes into a crisis that will never allow them to resurface.
The Advertising University (!) in austria is making advertising for itself, and I have to say, these are the shittiest ads I have ever seen. And don’t get me started on the lowest of them all – Axe deodorants…

We have billboards at the streets, other forms of advertisements on the streets, ads in papers, ads on webpages – even facebook, ads in Apps, ads on the radio and TV, ads on their own (flyers), ads in the videos as banners, as blocks and as videos. That they now start suggesting ads seems desperate. The bubble has reached critical mass, if you work in advertising I’d suggest to pull out before it bursts.

At least the faces of politicians aren’t staring at me, yet. But we have an election coming up this year…

A.

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