Archive for November, 2013

Fracking Fairytales II

Frederick and Catherine:
Well. This dude, let’s call him Freddy, has this wife, let’s call her Cathy. He leaves for work she fries a sausage, then thinks to get some beer, while she does that it hit her: the dog’s loose and might get the sausage. He did, while she chases the dog (our dog would’ve devoured the sausage before you knew it was gone) for the thing, the beer starts to overflow the basement, she then tries to cover it up with flour…
I won’t tell the whole story here, because it is too fucking dumb. So Freddy has this wife…did she wake up that one morning and take leave of her senses? Did she hit her head and became the dumbest broad in the world? Was Freddy abusive and beat her brain out? I don’t know. But if she didn’t show any signs of dementia BEFORE our story starts, Freddy ought to get her to a doctor. If she did, then Freddy is a dumb fracking idiot himself! Unless she performed miracles in bed I see no reason why he would put up with her, especially since he “dumps” her later on (she even forgets who she is, and asks him through the door wether she herself was at home and he says yes!).
What the actual frak??

Trusty John (or Faithful Johannes):
Soooo, the king dies and tells his trusty servant John not to let the then Prince into a certain room, for there is a portrait of abeautiful princess in it. Once the Prince became King he forces his way in and falls in love with the princess. They devise a plan to get her, and lure her aboard a ship loaded with riches, entranced by all the treasures she stays aboard long enough for them to leave port. (Note 1: They abduct her, so either the bitch suffers from severe Stockholm Syndrom or the story is heavy on the “We can abduct women and marr them even if they don’t want to” side.)
John then hears three ravens talking aboard the ship, once they make land a horse will trample the groom if not stopped, if anyone tells that tale he’ll turn to stone up to the knees. The other says something about wine during the wedding, and if it isn’t spilled the bride and groom will die. If anyone tells the tale he’ll turn to stone to the waist. (Why the ravens won’t turn to stone I don’t know) The last one says that unless three drops of blood are drawn from the right breast of the bride, she’ll faint and die. If anyone tells the tale, he’ll turn to stone completely. John prevents all three, but the King can’t forgive him harming his bride and sentences him to death. On the way to the execution John tells the tale and turns to stone.
King and now Queen (why is she consenting to this marriage??? She was lured aboard under false pretense, and then ABDUCTED!!) have twin boys, and they hear if they slaughter the kids and rub John’s statue with their blood he’ll come back to life. (Note: I would’ve said no. Remember John, put him the Garden so Birds can shit on him, bt that, NO!)
They do it.
John reawakens and as thanks for their faith the boys return to life as well (Zombies?).
WHO ever thought this is a fairytale for kids? These stories are filled with more gore than most 18+ films! Abduct a bride, force her into marriage, slaughter your kids..WHAT???
Frak off!

Hansel and Gretel:Where do I begin?
So the evil Stepmom wants to get rid of the kids when a famine hits the land and they eat to much, and the father consents. Wait. WHAT?? If that would be MY children the new Mrs. would find it hard to make such suggestions with a mouth that is sewn shut!
On with the plot: They bring the kids out in the woods, they find their way back because the boy brought white pebbles. The next time he has only breadcrumbs and birds eat them all away before they can find their way back.
Seriously. If I got lost in the woods as a kid I would’ve had enough sense to find back home. I demonstrated that in summer camp once, when our counselor got lost with us in trail and I found the way….WITHOUT THE MAP OR A COMPASS! Anyway. They find the witch, the fucking house made of candy, eat and get caught.
The witch then tries to eat Hansel later on and make Gretel her workslave. – Yeah, like that is going to happen. If you think of “slave girl” and “Candy house” do you think witch and work, or pimp and brothel? Right, me too. That brings money, and money buys food. Or if times are so desperate, food can be traded for “services”…
Anyhow, they kill the witch, find riches and a Swan carries them over some expanse of water – how does a swan carry kids? I wouldn’t trust a swan to be able to carry the weight of a newborn, let alone two kids laden with riches – and they find their dad waiting for them, again a widower as his 2nd (?) wife died of something. (Stupidity I guess)
Now they are rich and can buy as much food as they want…blablabla. So we have an asshole stepmother (as usual), a neglectant father, two kids, a dubious, canibalistic old lady and a swanboat…and as usual, riches.
Frak this shit, I hope they all eat the riches get too heavy to float and drown in the damn lake. Save some time and rewrite it: A poor woodchopper and his family face famine. The Stepmother suggests abandoning the kids in the woods to die, dad takes her out in the woods, swes her mouth shut, and leaves her tied to a tree, If you want to keep the slave girl subtheme in continue with this: with a “Free Sex” sign around her neck and signposts throughout the forest. And the man lived happily ever after with his two kids..
There.
Fixed it.

There will be more I think I’m afraid.

Circle Journal – 3 Succubi (ep 14)

As the sound of paws on the soft soil around the road vanished more and more the heavy weighing feeling of another presence grew stronger in both their minds. “I owe you an apology.” Orlon turned around to his travel companion. “I suppose your story about the ruins and their deadly inhabitants was at least partially true.” feeling validated Julia smiled. A milky blue light smeared to their right along the road. Amazed the two watched while they slowed their ascend. “There actually is a barrier around the forest.” Julia sighed with a hint of relief as the two watched. Agreeing Orlon nodded, he just hoped that the barrier encompassed the entire forest, not just a tiny section.

Continuing on in a slow pace Julia kept a close eye on the display of a presence beyond the barrier, her staff ready to degend herself and Orlon as well at any sign of the barrier ending or breaking.

At nightfall they stopped on a reverse, they would make camp for the night on that reverse, with a wounding road in the mountains they ran the risk of running off the road, slipping on the other side of the barrier protecting them.

“If memory serves there ought to be a forke in the road half a days journey up ahead, the left leading to Clifton village and further to the coast, the right to the Abbey.” Orlon seemed contempt with the progress they had made. Had he travelled alone he might have regretted his decision not to wait for his armor and sword to be repaired. It was astonishing the Incubus he actually was glad to have met Julia. And even more that he enjoyed her company.

With a frozen smile Julia glanced across the fire, she enjoyed his company too, but also was still in doubt about herself. Would the nuns he had mentioned to her, really take one of her kind in? “We should get ready for bed then.” Julia still held on to the frozen smile as she got up and turned to the cart. The flashes of milky light at the barrier intensified as she had turned towards them.

Julias eyes narrowed, she stared at the barrier out of these slits. Gasping she opened her eyes wide, stumbling back, almost into the fire.

“What’s troubling you?” Orlon also stared at the barrier, but was not shocked by the milky flashes. “Nothing.” she stuttered under uneasy breath. “We should really go to sleep.” she marched straight away, entering her cart without looking to Orlon or the barrier.

Inside Julia sat down near the entrance and listened for Orlon to go to sleep.

Circle Journal – 3 Succubi (ep 13)

As silent as they had spent the afternoon before, they continued onward into the mountains towards Cliffton Abbey. Orlon did welcome the silence, the conversation he had with Julia the night before was still confusing him a little. After a few hours the Succubi began to sing.

Her singing voice held every bit of the enthralling, siren fascination that Succubi were attributed. Apparently she had the Succubus voice, but only when singing. It took Orlon some time to realize that she was singing the same sobg she had sung when he first met her. “You do realise, that you have the Succubus voice when you sing?”

Immediately Julia stopped singing, silently she handed him the Oxens wrings and went inside. After a few moments of awkward silence she returned with her staff. “Please, forgive my error. I tend to forget that fact.” her voice sounded irritated, she barely enjoyed company since her mentor the gypsy had passed away, she hadn’t had male company at all for long periods of time. She let Orlon keep the wrings, kept the staff clutched between her hands.

To himself Orlon had to admit that the constant close distance to Julia was irritating his sense concerning other Succubi or Incubi. Since the wind seemed to follow them he couldn’t rely on his nose when it came to dangers along the path. “I have traveled this road some time back, around the same time of the year. There were packs of hungry wolves coming out of the woods.” Julia explained her ready staff. “It has been some time that I have been in this neck of the woods.” Orlon admitted, giving the Oxen reason to speed up. Worry about his horse rose in his thoughts. It was still trodding along tied to the carts rear.

Simultaneously the two looked up the path that was winding uphill before them, they both felt and smelled something worse than wolves up ahead. Still being relatively low on a plain they shifted to their former traveling arrangements, Orlon rode ahead, closely followed by Julia.

“I was told this is called blood forest.” Julia shivered, more of the creeping icy fog that drifted across the road. “Mostly for the wolves, but it is said an ancient ruin lies in these woods that no one should dare enter.”

With a wink of his hand Orlon dismissed Julias story as humbug. Stories local folks had been telling for decades on end, mostly because of the wolves, so that no one would venture into the woods.

He knew that there were ruins in the forest, but they were as dangerous as all other ruins, haunted or not. Deep in thought he was shocked as a fiery bolt shot by him, detonating the ground at the paws of a wolf, which immediately ran off with loud noise, hopefully telling the others to withdraw as well. With a tiny clicking sound the tip of Julias staff closed. “Perhaps we should worry about the wolves more than about the ruins.” Julia stated dryly, her expression was tense, uncertain what Orlon might be thinking, his silent demeanor was riddling.

Fracking Fairytales I

Some of the fairytales we tell our children I find rather offensive to the human intellect.

I can remember that I found them silly when I was a kid, and now that I am going to tell them myself to my child I can’t help but cringe internally at their stupidity.
Luckily for me I can vent my thoughts about them here.

Please note: Of course they’re going to be rather german centered, as our native language here IS german.

Mother Hulda:
So the blond haired girl that works hard gets covered in gold and comes back, the lazy dark haired one gets pitch. Sounds to me like the dark haired one was just out of luck (or talent), and the blond one was working a stripper pole, or worse working the night.
“Where’d you get that gold girl?”
“Uuuhm…I pricked my finger, fell in the well, and helped that old lady?” Then the other one, stupid as she was, tried the same shit and just found mud in the well, but no old lady, embarrassed that she was such a dumb frack she told the same story only that se had been too lazy.
A load a crap if you ask me.

Hans in Luck:
So this idiot goes out, works and earns himself a huge friggin lump of gold. If the story would end here, I’d say – aptly named.
It doesn’t end there and it isn’t.
He trades the gold for something else, and trades and trades – getting something less valuable everytime- until he ends up with a millstone. He carries it onward home, get’s thirsty and the thing falls down a well. Now, he is happy to be rid of his burden, and everyone is happy.
WHAT?!?!?! If you read the story backwards – A magic well spits out an old mill-stone and he trades until he has a huge fracking lump of gold – YES!
But in this order? He’s the village idiot, and he loses the reward for his hard work during apprentice ship! THAT ISN’T LUCK! This is idiocy, and UNLUCKY! If you ask me that story could be renamed into “Bad Luck Brian and his gold”
(Don’t get me started on the metaphores for poor people in here: “The gold IS the millstone and it IS a burden, be glad that you are soooo lucky that you don’t have that gold weighing you down!”)

Rapunzel:
First of all, the name itself is an old german word for a certain salad.
Yes, salad.
Knowing that much already, you know what you’re in for: A tale of a Vegetable. (Insult & pun intended)
So this woman wants the salad that grows in the witch’s garden, her hubby steals it, the witch knows and wants in turn the baby. She imprisons the girl in a tower without doors.
So far, so good.
Cue enter prince! The idiot climbs up the tower with her hair and doesnt cut it off, binds it on the windowsill and climbs down with her.
No.
They flirt (yeah, “flirt” hehe…two horny teenagers alone in a tower without doors only “flirt”, especially when the gal never had seen ANY man before in her life!) then she tells him to bring a single thread of silk eachtime he visits so she can secretly weave a ladder out of it.
I’d have said yes, just like the prince did, but then I’d have gone back to my castle, told the stableboy to fetch me a strick-ladder and returned the next night with it: “Change o’plans my dear, Winter is coming and I need you to have my heirs, so come along now.”
But NOOOOO he continues with her fracking plan, until that kid with the loose mouth tells the witch “Why are you, much lighter than that young handsome prince, so much heavier to carry up?” – Jesus Hairdressing Christ!
So the witch throws her out and waits for the dude, who jumps out of the window in terror – now. It is 21 cubits high. Do the fracking math. Even an unfit blob like me could do that jump without serious harm to myself!
This guy, however, falls eyes first into thorn bushes and is blinded!
FOOL!
Here’s what to do: Decaptiate the crone, climb down and search for your love with two good eyes, get a hunter from the castle who could track the girl in the woods. If you’re lucky wolves haven’t gotten to her.
At least it ends somewhat well, although I had hoped they both drown in a sewage pond…

There will be more as soon as they come up, but these ones I had to get out of my system right away…

Circle Journal – 3 Succubi (ep 12)

“Are you not afraid?” Julias voice cut through the silence of the early night, the two had stopped the cart and set camp. “Of?” he replied staring across the flames into her sad face. “That you are more Incubus than man.” she replied without looking away from the flames.

“I may have the voice of an Incubus, but I have the soul of man.” his voice was monotone, he recalled why he made the campfire. His old friend Argho was human, there was no demonic fire burning in his veins like in Orlons. The crackling fire was reminding him of the fact his childhood friend was now dead.

“I shall rest.” she sighed retreating into the cart. Orlon did not react he kept staring into the flames. “Sentimental humbug.” he threw a twig into the fire, before laying down a few meters away. “Are you asleep yet?” Julia popped her head out of the cart, Orlon sat up without uttering a single syllable. “You did not answer my question.” she sat down up on the rear end of the cart, she wore a linen nightgown, her wings conveniently drawn around her shoulder to look like a bathrobe. “Yes, I am sometimes afraid.” he sighed lying back on the ground, his eyes fixed on the cloudless patches in the sky. “My good old friend Argho always dreamed of a family of his own. I didn’t. But he included me as an uncle for his imaginary kids.” Julia got up and came closer, all so silently he didn’t take notice. “Now that he is dead, his imaginary family is dead, my role as imaginary uncle, is also dead.” as quietly as she had moved towards him she sat down next to him, listening ever so carefully. “I must admit, I liked the idea of being part of a family, it somehow gave me a goal in life. If I am more Incubus than man however, I will never be part of a family.” Orlon was surprised to find Julia sitting next to himself, but hid his surprise well. For a short moment the two stared at each others eyes.

Julia smiled gently as she nodded and got back up. She wished him a pleasant night before retreating back into the cart.

Puzzled at her own ideas she sat awake on the bunk that was next to her stove.

He-hey! (15.11.2013)

It’s my 1 year anniversary here on WordPress! (15.11.2013)

Let us recap: Stories, stories, stories, brainfarts, some of which were funny, most of which were just that – brain farts. And rants. Rants about eleveators, aka the Cabin of Death – did I mention that our elevator at home has been leaking oil and had been out of order for 8 days recently? If not, now you know.

Speaking of rants, what baffles me (not really), is that I got the most views from a wide range of people with my recent casual post – the jizz post.
Really? That is what get’s you people going? Jizz in the Urinal? BTW yesterday I saw some again.
Swine.

Speaking of recently, I went to see Elisabeth (the musical) with my wife (anniversary, yeah!). I hate to admit that I liked a musical.
But I liked that musical.

In that one year since I joined WordPress some other stuff had happened as well. The most important one being my son. Tomorrow it’ll be a year to the day that we found out he was on the way, and it is going to be five months in two weeks since he was born. ^-^ (Need I remind you about my kid’s stories? Go check them out, they’ can be found using the “the shape of things to come” link on the top right. ;))

On with my recap:
My gran died. 😦

I’ve worked through my second smartphone now, que third one. 🙂

I stopped drawing. Most of what I do anyways is crappy looking, and what I want to do is way too hard for me to accomplish in what little time I have available…still, I wanna get back to that stuff (and painting) eventually. In retirement perhaps, I know I’m asking much, but if you are patient enough to wait for that, I will show it to you. 😉

I left the insane asylum Facebook, only to return. (I checked back in voluntarily, not because I was admitted ;))

And just yesterday I was out in the stores, and boy, do I have crap to show for it….(pictures soon)

So, to another successful year, take care friends,A.

Circle Journal – 3 Succubi (ep 11)

Worried both of them looked up into the sky after thunder had roared over their heads. With a wave of her hand Julia invited Orlon in, she had a small stove in the cart, after a few moments a small fire was lit and she sat at the stove, while Orlon looked around in surprise. “Where did you get the gypsy cart?” he finally paused long enough to ask.

“I’m twenty-four years old, I was cast out a decade ago, after that a gypsy named Andrea had found me, starving snd freezing near a chapel. The chapel of Saint Juliet, hence my name, she made me a god fearing woman. A righteous one, one that can’t kill herself.” Julia sighed, looking at the flames in the stove. “When she died I inherited the cart, traveling the land showed me how much I deserve to die, I shouldn’t be walking the earth!” her look got painful again.

“Your being on earth is the sameas mine. Why don’t I bring you to the Abbey? The abot is a kind man, there is a nunery near the Abbey, perhaps they’ll have you, and show you a new purpose in life?” Orlon peeked out of the cart, his nose had not betrayed him, in a slow motion he reached for his horses wrings and fixed them to the end of the cart. Julia watched him with a mix of amazement and surprise, with a gentle nod to her he crossed the cart to the front, reched for the oxens wrings, gently releases the breaks. “If you can fight, prepare to.” he said in a gentle, casual tone. Still surprised, she grabbed her staff. The cart started moving upon Orlons command, Julia looked out the rear end of the cart over the horse following it. Creatures with green skin crawled through the tall grass, they borw distant similarities to locusts. Neither she nor Orlon were in danger, but the horse and the ox. From the tip of her staff a few bolts of orange lightning shot to the creatures, injuring a few of them. Orlon wanted to protest, but observed Julias strategy, as the other creatures started preying on the injured ones.

A slightly satisfied smile sppeared on Julias lips. “These creatures,” Orlon grumbled, keeping his eyes on the road, “are the swarm. There are so many we can’t kill them all when they appear.” next to him Julia came out of the cart, she sat down and pulled the cloak tight around herself, hid her face under the hood in case they met anyone.

“Why are so many creatures spawning from the hellfires these days? I hear my sisters are on the march too?” With an elongated sigh he handed her the wrings, he preferred the silence he had enjoyed, he missed it already. “Rumor has it the Sphinxes are returning.” he waited for her reaction but couldn’t read it under her hood. Since there was no verbal reaction after some time he went on to elaborate: “Their presence is driving out the lesser evils, the swarm, the vampires, the succubi and incubi and other demonic brood.” he grumbled, tightening his grip on the daggers handle. “You must think of me as the most ignorant person in all of existence, but I haven’t heard of the Sphinxes at all.” he noticed movement under the hood, she undoubtedly was looking at him. “Once they were capable of both good and evil. Until they were banished, now that they wish to return, consider them malevolent.” he summarised what was known about the Sphinxes in a few short words.

The following hours went by in silence, much to Orlons pleasant surprise.