Frederick and Catherine:
Well. This dude, let’s call him Freddy, has this wife, let’s call her Cathy. He leaves for work she fries a sausage, then thinks to get some beer, while she does that it hit her: the dog’s loose and might get the sausage. He did, while she chases the dog (our dog would’ve devoured the sausage before you knew it was gone) for the thing, the beer starts to overflow the basement, she then tries to cover it up with flour…
I won’t tell the whole story here, because it is too fucking dumb. So Freddy has this wife…did she wake up that one morning and take leave of her senses? Did she hit her head and became the dumbest broad in the world? Was Freddy abusive and beat her brain out? I don’t know. But if she didn’t show any signs of dementia BEFORE our story starts, Freddy ought to get her to a doctor. If she did, then Freddy is a dumb fracking idiot himself! Unless she performed miracles in bed I see no reason why he would put up with her, especially since he “dumps” her later on (she even forgets who she is, and asks him through the door wether she herself was at home and he says yes!).
What the actual frak??

Trusty John (or Faithful Johannes):
Soooo, the king dies and tells his trusty servant John not to let the then Prince into a certain room, for there is a portrait of abeautiful princess in it. Once the Prince became King he forces his way in and falls in love with the princess. They devise a plan to get her, and lure her aboard a ship loaded with riches, entranced by all the treasures she stays aboard long enough for them to leave port. (Note 1: They abduct her, so either the bitch suffers from severe Stockholm Syndrom or the story is heavy on the “We can abduct women and marr them even if they don’t want to” side.)
John then hears three ravens talking aboard the ship, once they make land a horse will trample the groom if not stopped, if anyone tells that tale he’ll turn to stone up to the knees. The other says something about wine during the wedding, and if it isn’t spilled the bride and groom will die. If anyone tells the tale he’ll turn to stone to the waist. (Why the ravens won’t turn to stone I don’t know) The last one says that unless three drops of blood are drawn from the right breast of the bride, she’ll faint and die. If anyone tells the tale, he’ll turn to stone completely. John prevents all three, but the King can’t forgive him harming his bride and sentences him to death. On the way to the execution John tells the tale and turns to stone.
King and now Queen (why is she consenting to this marriage??? She was lured aboard under false pretense, and then ABDUCTED!!) have twin boys, and they hear if they slaughter the kids and rub John’s statue with their blood he’ll come back to life. (Note: I would’ve said no. Remember John, put him the Garden so Birds can shit on him, bt that, NO!)
They do it.
John reawakens and as thanks for their faith the boys return to life as well (Zombies?).
WHO ever thought this is a fairytale for kids? These stories are filled with more gore than most 18+ films! Abduct a bride, force her into marriage, slaughter your kids..WHAT???
Frak off!

Hansel and Gretel:Where do I begin?
So the evil Stepmom wants to get rid of the kids when a famine hits the land and they eat to much, and the father consents. Wait. WHAT?? If that would be MY children the new Mrs. would find it hard to make such suggestions with a mouth that is sewn shut!
On with the plot: They bring the kids out in the woods, they find their way back because the boy brought white pebbles. The next time he has only breadcrumbs and birds eat them all away before they can find their way back.
Seriously. If I got lost in the woods as a kid I would’ve had enough sense to find back home. I demonstrated that in summer camp once, when our counselor got lost with us in trail and I found the way….WITHOUT THE MAP OR A COMPASS! Anyway. They find the witch, the fucking house made of candy, eat and get caught.
The witch then tries to eat Hansel later on and make Gretel her workslave. – Yeah, like that is going to happen. If you think of “slave girl” and “Candy house” do you think witch and work, or pimp and brothel? Right, me too. That brings money, and money buys food. Or if times are so desperate, food can be traded for “services”…
Anyhow, they kill the witch, find riches and a Swan carries them over some expanse of water – how does a swan carry kids? I wouldn’t trust a swan to be able to carry the weight of a newborn, let alone two kids laden with riches – and they find their dad waiting for them, again a widower as his 2nd (?) wife died of something. (Stupidity I guess)
Now they are rich and can buy as much food as they want…blablabla. So we have an asshole stepmother (as usual), a neglectant father, two kids, a dubious, canibalistic old lady and a swanboat…and as usual, riches.
Frak this shit, I hope they all eat the riches get too heavy to float and drown in the damn lake. Save some time and rewrite it: A poor woodchopper and his family face famine. The Stepmother suggests abandoning the kids in the woods to die, dad takes her out in the woods, swes her mouth shut, and leaves her tied to a tree, If you want to keep the slave girl subtheme in continue with this: with a “Free Sex” sign around her neck and signposts throughout the forest. And the man lived happily ever after with his two kids..
There.
Fixed it.

There will be more I think I’m afraid.

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