Archive for December, 2013

T minus NYE

Crappy New Year!You thought it was over, didn’t you?
Well, you were obviously wrong!

I present you with head gear (or decorations for your Christmas Hoe) for the second most important holiday in December. With these you’ll be the smash hit (literally SMASH and quite literally HIT) on every New Years Eve Party.

Looks good on a naked chick.
Guys, just…DON’T!

Circle Journal – 3 Succubi (ep 23)

It did not take them long to find themselves at yet another staircase that led downwards. The ceiling of the room they reached was higher, but the screams intensified as well. Both of their expressions grew dimmer while they listened to the screaming in the distance. “If I had to guess,” Julia sighed, raising her staff, again building a barrier in front of them, “there are more nuns being forced into service and submission.”

“That’s right little Succubus!” a monk stepped out of the dark corners of the tomb they were in. By his eyes Orlon could tell that he had been given the same powers as the monk in the chapel. For a moment he studied the two intruders with a crazed look, but empty expression. “Young Orlon, you fraternize with a Succubus? Have you fallen under the malevolent influence that has taken a hold of the Abbot?” he formed a barrier around himself, as well as a discharge in his hand. “No, we came to seek aid in fighting the evil, sealing the portals, only to learn of the Abbotts change of heart. Have you fallen under the evil spell?” the discharge in the monks hand disappeared. “Yes and no. My given powers can’t harm those who gave them to me, so I fled.” the monk detailed in a few words how I stayed close to the evil that transformed him so that he could not be felt. Incapable of dissolving the situation he had hoped that someone would make it to the catacombs in order for him to aid the people in question.

“Brother Francis, can your powers harm the other perils in these catacombs?” still distrustful of the monk Orlon kept his distance while the group moved on. “Of course, how do you think I escaped to where you found me?” the heavy local accent the monk spoke was an indication that he had not spent his entire life in the abbey.

“What exactly did happen?” unable to contain her curiosity Julia turned to the monk. “The abbot made a pact with the forces of evil to grant him immortality, the fear of death had led him to this act of treachery. To quote father Albert, he had not seen any miracles, lost faith in the divine and thus fears death.”

“He saw us fighting evil, gargoyles defending the abbey! Most people out there would give an arm and a leg to see wonders like that.” Orlon grumbled, he had heard of such desperate acts by clergymen before, just had never thought it to be a real possibility. “Well maybe not the evil itself, but us fighting it.” he added, stabbing the skull of a skeleton as a precaution.

“Wonder young Orlon, but not miracles!” brother Francis smirked, he too was cautiously firing a bolt of lightning into a tunnel that intersected the path they were walking on.

Attack of the ITs

I recently got my hands on some glossy magazines from the it crowd.

First of all I gotta complain the senseless lingo in there
“…his residence in the Brit-Metropole…” talking about London, eh?
First of all, if you were to say to ANY native britishman (or woman) that London was the “Brit-Metropole” I think they have the right to punch you in the face. So this dude (a wonderful Austrian author) has a residence there. Okay, why does this need an article? Soldering on.
They showed photographs of every part of his home there, including the loo. Yes, the one room even emperors and kings, even supposed divine men and women go to – they need to show us. Why on bloody earth is anyone interested where someone else is crapping, peeing and/or masturbating? WHY?The one thing that astonished me almost more was the follow up article.

“Furnish your home in the same fashion!”
Uuuhm…okay, my problem with this is not so much the lingo (disgusting) or the fact that these dim-wit’s felt the need to look up all his things to pricetag it and show us where to purchase it, but that obviously, some people have so little inspiration, so little individuality that they NEED these articles to simulate creative decorating and furnishing.

Now for the most disturbing thing in that glossy magazine.
“The style of the It Girls”
Now. If ANY woman is striving to be an “it” instead of a “who”, please lay down your right to vote, your rights as a human being and become an object. It is apparent to me that you want to be objectified. Generations of women who fought for equality – ashamed. Died in vain.
Besides, everytime I read “IT GIRL” I have to pause. Does it mean “it” girl or “I.T.” girl?
I’d like to see “I.T.” girls. Even though I once had an I.T. girl, and it ended horribly, I’d still preferr an I.T. girl over an it girl. WHo would want a horribly shallow cunt with little to no personality who only looks pretty after two hours in dressing&make-up room (other wise they could double for Maggie Smith), if you could have an I.T. girl, with loads of personality (and moves that could turn your world view over) eventhough the forseeable end might be ugly?

Back to the caption. “The Style” what style? Shallow whore? Did you read my christmas calendar? What am I supposed to do with a female, living christmas tree? What is a woman supposed to think of herself if she sees such a thing? (Yes, thing. NEver forget, it’s not a “who” it’s an “it”)

Circle Journal – 3 Succubi (ep 22)

“Sister! Remember your true nature! Your devotion!” Orlon hoped to reach the human she had been transformed from, but stood ready to fight in the narrow space of the low room. “This is my true nature!” her words were a shout paired with another discharge of hers against the shielding.

As she formed her hands a third time to an empty funnel to call forth yet another one of her shots, Orlon quickly ducked away to throw his knife without hitting the ceiling.

Thunder shook the heavy walls as the forming discharge exploded in the nuns hands, paired with a terrifying scream of agony she was thrown back several meters.

Careful, expectant of another attack, Orlon slowly crept closer. He could see that the nun was not quite dead, but mortally wounded.

Trembling the nun raised a hand and waved Orlon over. “Thank you, my Circle Journal – 3 Succubi (ep 22)child!” she hissed between her teeth. “Hurry onwards! The abbot, he is behind it all.”

Confused Orlon sheathed his dagger, trying to help the nun, now apparently back to her former self, but she pushed his hand away. “Too late child!” she coughed up some blood, focusing to breathe calmly. “The Abbot has made a pact with the dark forces! The attacks to which you were sent were only to lure you and others away, while they were staging a coup here. Hurry before they succeed in breaking free unto this world!” Julia also had found the courage to come closer to the dying nun. Who inspected the Succubus with wide eyes. Attempting to whisper her lips moved, almost flickered, but she had not left enough breath to speak her dying words.

“Rest in peace, sister.” Maria gently kissed her thumb and then touched the nuns lips, that had frozen in a gentle smile. Both wondered what had delighted the sister so much as to make her smile, quickly they left the room.

“What will await us?” Julia stayed a step behind Orlon, half sunken in trance to maintain a shielding in front of them. “Demons. Perhaps more of the nuns.” Orlon was deeply disturbed by the events, the one place in the world he thought would never be corrupted, had fallen into enemy hands. Of all people, the abbot had betrayed him and the entire cause.

A rustling noise in a dark tunnel to their side startled the two quickly Julia extended the barrier to the sides, while Orlon shuffled to her side, between Julia and the tunnel in question.

Only a dimm reflection of his torches light in eight eyes was visible. “Don’t make any sudden movements!” he warned in a calm voice, while the thigh high spider creature slowly crawled towards the two. It stopped at Orlon, sniffed at him. “She is older than this crypt, and very protective of her grounds.” he explained as the spider passed through the shielding to sniff on Julia as well.

Just as quickly as it had appeared the giant spider withdrew into another dark tunnel. On the further march Orlon explained that he and Argho had found the spider in the catacombs in ther youth, only to discover it was relatively harmless, though they knew not what it was feeding on.

Christmas Calendar 2013

Christmas Calendar 2013

«…and the Angel spoketh unto Mary and Joseph “Merchandise me!”, and they did so.»
T minus 24
T minus 23
T minus 22
T minus 21
T minus 20
T minus 19
T minus 18
T minus 17
T minus 16
T minus 15
T minus 14
T minus 13
T minus 12
T minus 11
T minus 10
T minus 9
T minus 8
T minus 7
T minus 6
T minus 5
T minus 4
T minus 3
T minus 2
T minus 1

T minus NYE

T minus 1

KILL IT WITH FIRE!Well, kids, this is it.
The crown juwel of this christmas calendar.

The Edward Cullen action figure!

Every little girl who thinks that Bella is a lucky girl, wants this. Luckily for them once they grow older, Edward can be “used” as a dildo replacement. (Yes, I said that!)

Alternative uses include, but aren’t limited to:
Demon Bane (instead of a crucifix)
or to stab REAL vampires in the heart – it is super effective, like a combination of a wooden stake, garlic and sunlight (because REAL vampires don’t sparkle, they die in the sun).
Also works great on werwolves, better than a large clip of silver bullets for a semi-automatic – just stab the Frakker in the face (or heart).

Placed on the window sill Edward Cullen will keep away werwolves, vampires, banshee’s, ghouls, nightmares and ghosts. And act like all of them combined on your soul.
If you have anyone in your circle of enemies (or relatives, it’s the same thing basically) whom you want to have as arch-nemesis for eternity – here’s the perfect gift. In addition, give them a garden gnome for their birthday…

T minus 2

Smell it!Perfume “Smart Phone

Did you always want to stinksmell like a cellphone? OR to be more specific, a smart phone?

Then turn over you smart phone, because dumb people don’t deserve smart phones! What should this smell imply? “Uee me baby, swipe  me, swipe me harder, shake it, oh yes, use the oral featurette…”
The smell of a smart phone for the stinky people without personality. This goes perfect for any “I’ve been smelling like my iPhone before it was cool!”-Hipster idiot. Pretentious, hipster, crap.

People who identify themselves with the phone they own, and the according smell, should be heavily investigated by the NSA, they look like dangers to our species/culture/society…give this to your annoying hipster cousin, in the hopes that this will aggressively attack his/her phone’s casing. (Seriously, iPhone 5c – a smart phone wearing crocks??)

Circle Journal – 3 Succubi (ep 21)

Formerly dust encrusted steps led down the stairwell into the darkness of the catacombs, hundred feet or more had climbed down there before Orlon and Julia. Each of the two carried a torch, they didn’t want to end up lost in the darkness in case they got separated. Screams welcomed them from beneath, telling tales neither wanted to hear.

Hesitantly they followed the steps to the catacombs, a broad room with a low ceiling opened before them, in Orlons memory the ceiling was a bit higher, but he and Argho had been pubescent when they had hid the gems in the tomb.

Even before they had entered the smell of fresh blood and other bodily fluids had met their senses. Alerted them to the dangers that lurked in the darkness not far from them.

Julia reacted before she fully realised what was happening, as a bright red object shot towards them at incredible speeds, she deflected it with a barrier. Taken by surprise Orlon stumbled away from the colorful barrier that had spanned across the room in front of him. “And here the Abbot told me you were alone, without protective magic.” a smoky female voice mumbled out of the darkness.

Ever since they had entered the grounds of the abbey both of them felt the presence of various beings, uncertain what creature might be stepping into their torches’ light Orlon and Julia stayed ready to fight the ugliest of horrors. “I shall enjoy dragging you to the abbot.” slowly a nun had marched into sight.

“I seem to have forgotten your name sister.” Orlon inched a little to the side, the more room between him and Julia, the better, the nun couldn’t fight at two opposite directions.

“Names, my dear child, are but words, nothing of substance!” the closer she came to Julias barrier and the light of their torches, the more she revealed of herself. Her dress had been torn to shreds from her hips down, blood ran actually down her legs. In her eyes lay a vacant gaze, but clearlyshe was not under foreign control. With the sound of ripping cloth two large leathery wings unfolded, undressing her completely.

“I was taken into a true sisterhood last night! And I shall thank my true savior by taking you to him!” terrified Orlon realised that the nun had been made into something like a new breed of Succubi, made to fight not to seduce. Julia inched away from the tormented nun. Again the nun fired a deep red shot at the shielding Julias, which flickered in all colors of the rainbow.

T minus 3

RAINBOWS!!!Rainbow faucet/showerhead.

Keeping with the hippy and shroom tradition, this will blow you into a new layer of consciousness! The LED rainbow showerhead! If you are bored by the dull, ever constant way the water trickles down to your body – here’s a solution for all you kids who were conceived by hippies, and who got used to LSD while in the womb and through breastmilk!

Honestly people, if you spend so much time in the shower you need soothing colors to take your mind to a new dimension – you have more pressing concerns to occupy your mind with….like paying the water bills! You’d have to work three jobs, AND prostitute yourself to maintain your shower bills, and you need more shower time to wash off that dirty feeling.
A viscous circle.

The ideal gift for your beloved Ex, make her feel the beautiful pain of rainbows…

T minus 4

Peace of bread?Organic peacebread.

Created in honor of the 2008 international peace conference at Rosecastle.

Really? I recon that if you create such a piece of peace you give it to the participants of the conference. You sell it there and THEN. But now five years on, this is ridiculous.

Besides, do they really think this “peace” of bread will change anything? If it did, it would be illegal.
Especially if it had any weed in it, like I would make a “Peace Bread”. 😉

Give this to the aging hippie in your family, you all have at least ONE in your family…

(The only instance in which you are grammatically ALLOWED to confuse “peace” and “piece”)