Archive for May, 2015


Or: Why I suck at marketing

This is about my apparent inability to generate more views or followers for my blog. (Christmas Calendar not withstanding, that time was great, thank you people. Be prepared for X-Mess 2015!)

Let me get one thing out of the way before you shake your head in disgust and surf on: I’m not measuring my success with Likes or Followers.
They give me validation, yes.
But I get much more validation through views.


I read and watch a lot of stuff on the net, without handing out ‘likes’, yet I’ve read or watched it.
I even come back to read/watch more, culminating in me ‘following’.
This can go on for ages without me handing out a single ‘like’.
Views therefore mean much more to me than the occasional ‘likes’. (“You’ve seen it, you can’t unsee it!”)

This bit is about my apparent inability for shameless self-promotion.
In many groups I have joined online, no matter where (facebook, google+, MeWe, etc.) an Author hirself will show up and be like:

No_one-EvarHeardOf posted: From the acclaimed writer of the brilliant Theobald Quincy Cockburn-Hutzenbrutzen novels, the incandescentMy-Intestines-burn trilogy, comes the new bold part 1 of 5000, in the excitingly fiery series 51 shades of beige!

And I just can’t do that.
No one knows my name, no one gives a frak. So why would, or should, I pretend to be an ‘acclaimed writer’? (Or something similar)
Close to no one (except you brave souls who dare venturing to my blog when a new story part comes out) ever heard of my writings. So citing them as a reference – moot.

I just can’t lie boldly in the face of a potential audience, to garner their interest. If I were to get paid for this, I’d feel like I swindled someone out of their savings! Unlike money, the time, I would steal from my (potential) audience, can not be returned. So I have even greater reservations, from just going online and boldly claim shit, that I think is only true inside my head!

Pride in one’s accomplishments is completely justified, but if you’re a relatively unknown individual – do not assume a title like ‘acclaimed writer’, nor praise your own work as the greatest thing since the pyramids.
That makes you look like a complete Schmuck!

(And that, by the way, is why the Schmucks always get great view counts, good sales and great advertising cash, while most honest writers dwell in dirt, and their schmucky heirs later bathe in cash…or honest Schmoe turns into douchy Schmuck)

Yes, dear readers.
This is the reason why, if you came here following one of my ever repetitive social network posts, or discovered one of them, that post sounded sorta lame, and why there only will be equally lame posts.
I will not dash out there posting “From the fresh new writer yourstruly, comes the deeply philosophical, beloved story: Mr. Zed!”

“From the acclaimed writer of the philosophical Zombie Masterpiece Mr. Zed, here’s the highly brain tingling ‘Whose World’ series!”

Take care, and avoid the flyin bovine waste,

PS: I think what bothers me almost as much as the airborne bovine waste distribution methods (aka Bullshit flyong around), is these people are talking in third person of themselves. Only royals (do I need to go there?) and crazy people do that. I ain’t crazy enough for that. (Yet!)

Finn Journal – 1 Honey pt.1 (ep19)

“Indeed they did, when they too were using the ethereal, before the Sphinxes came and gifted them new powers.” Again a faint smile appeared among her eyes. “My brethren dug them up several seasons ago, cast them into fire.” once again, the smile fainted.
With a tired voice she explained that most of her people would want to do away with her, as she was considered an abomination, possessing capabilities beyond the physical. “I sometimes can see what will come to pass.” was her breathed explanation. “Thus, they fear, and hate me.” she gazed in the direction from which the group had come.
“But I’m not here to hurt them either, or cause them pain in the future. I am just a simple old woman trying to protect what she loves most: the grassy prairies, the steppes, the forests, hills, mountains and all that dwells in and on that.” she turned with all her body to the northeast. “See those mountains afar.” she whispered, a formation was visible as tiny molds on the eastern horizon. “You want to venture there for the prize you seek, and need to safe your people, and I’m afraid mine as well. But be weary of the bat folk.” blindly she glanced at the Naga over her shoulder. “Though we share common ancestry, we are deadly foe, they do not take kindly on any non ethereals such as yourself trespassing on their lands.” she turned to the northwest starting to march away but stopped after a few steps.
“A child was born in the land of man,” she turned around facing only Nicodia. “It will be the turning point you strive to be.” with a sigh she turned to Venia. “Soon your people will no longer be feared as much as today, the boys grow in age, strength and in numbers.” again facing northwest she inhaled the heavy, sweet air of the prairie. “However, the children will be leaving this world temporarily. That is all that I can say.” nodding to herself she walked away, leaving the three perplexed behind.

Lack of any notable event drove the expedition faster, the prairie presented itself to be precisely as it appeared, flat, uneventful, uninhabited. Chatter amongst Venia, Elenora and Nicodia circled around the blind, old owls words.
It fainted into silence.
Began anew, where the conversation had started off before.
After three days in which they drew ever closer to the distant mountains, Albin scouts pointed south to the hills, clouds amassed above them. Only half an hour later fierce gusts of wind tore through the prairie.

Finn Journal – 1 Honey pt.1 (ep18)

Venia and Elenora flanked Nicodia that seemed to get more nervous with each passing step. Every sight she beheld reminded her that no other floral had ever seen them before her, that she furthered the distance a Floral had ever traveled with each step. “Prairie.” the Albin scout panted after he returned from further ahead. “Thigh high grass, I doubt we’ll find the bees there.” “The bees at home in Both’anah loved bothe forests and the fields?” without pause Nicodia offered her opinion, looking at both Venia and Elenora one at a time. Agreeing to march into the Prairie Elenora nodded to Venia, which in turn gave the order to the scout.
The owls path forked to the sides, staying in the shade of the forest, immediately the impression that it was their fortification against attacks from the east came to the minds of the expedition members. “Straight on, near these paths we will find nothing. Their ethereal consuming nature is poison to all things alive.” Although herself being immune to the effects of the owls, Venia wanted to get Elenora and the others as far away from the owls as fast as she could.

Far to the south of where Venia and her comrades had entered the prairie a shallow range of hills rose above the grass, beyond which the ocean roared under southern winds. “The winds change in the season.” terrified at the sudden appearance of a hooded woman Venia rose her long sword, Elenora inched away from her. “At ease Naga.” she mumbled in a smoky voice. “I am no threat to you, or the ethereals.” she revealed herself as an owl as she unhooded herself.

Pale white eyes sat above her beak as she gazed into the vague direction that Venia stood to her. “I am blind, but my hearing is very refined.” she smiled with her eyes, indicating her knowledge for where to find them. “The others have warned all of our people that hostile intruders, ethereals in particular, were roaming our lands. However, I do not fear you, as you don’t have to fear me.” Venia calmed down from the initial shock of the sudden appearance next to her.
“You must have noticed by now that our ancestry lies within the wings of the Sphinxes!” her eyes indicated a smile again. “But before that, we were human.” her indicated smirk fainted away. A distant sadness crept in her expressions. “They changed our ancestors, the early men and women of this land. Ruins of our human ancestry can be found strewn out in this land.” she pointed to further into the north-east. “Old castles, villages and towns made of rock.”
“Did your ancestors also craft small pendants with ethereal properties?” Venia signaled the others to move on ahead, while she remained with the blind owl, Elenora and Nicodia at her side. She wondered what Orthlan would give for the opportunity to talk to an owl, that was not bent on their demise.

Word crimes (my addition)

Since some of you folks have no concept of the difference between what’s “figurative” and what’s “literal”, I thought you might need definitions on something else.

Unnatural – something that does not occur in nature.
That means anything that can not, in any way shape or form, ever occur in nature. Since ALL the elements that everything is made up off occur naturally in our universe – EVERYTHING is natural.

If something were to be “unnatural”, it would have to ooze in from another universe, or dimension, hover around, float away against the wind, disregarding gravity – in tha ONE instance we could say that it was and behaved completely UNNATURAL.

Yes this bit was written for all the Antivaxxers. Again. Why am I still takking about this? I want to get over this crap already….but to add another aspect tonthe Antivaxxer usage of “unnatural”: Unless you are naked, dwell in a cave/under a bush, drink only from puddles, rivers, lakes and eat nothing but raw fruit and vegetables, and are not using any technology what so ever – you are NOT allowed to use the term against Vaccines.  Period.

Inhumane – something that is not done by a human (or shouldn’t be done to a human). Here comes the kicker, as soon as any human being does something new – no matter how disgusting, or disturbing – it immediately becomes humane. A human being did it.
For an action to be truly “inhumane” it would require an alien or animal performing an action that is not observed in any human.

So, even if someone is injecting you with a mixture of polymer-residue and plutonium – it is ALL natural, and humane.

Hope you keep your facts straight,

Finn Journal – 1 Honey pt.1 (ep17)

Knowing their foe was determined to wipe all life from the face of the world, or at least to hinder them in achieving means to stop the impending return of the sphinxes, ignited a fire of determination of it is own in the hearts and minds if the expedition members.
A capable group assembled in the camp, acting on Venias recommendation, the group was equally comprised of magic users and non magic users. A young Floral woman wandered up to Jeethina and Venia who were watching over the assembly of their strike force. “Excuse me?” she cleared her throat, trying to look as tough as possible.
Right away Jeethina recognized her, Nicodia was tbe first Floral she had ever laid eyes upon. Soon after her arrival on Naga’na she had become a secret hero to the Naga, who admired her and treated her with more resoect than other non Naga. All for the fact that Nicodia had left her homeland to prove that not all Florals were docile, Nectar lactating firest dwellers who could be bossed around. “Nicodia! You want to join I presume?” Jeethina smiled knowingly.
“Yes, even though I might not be a great fighter, your people might need Nectar on the way.” although hating to exchange her Nectar for anything, Nicodia wanted to be on the strike force, her determination to show the world the bravery that Florals were capable of, she was willing to do what ever was necessary. “They are our people, you are in this expedition as well.” still Jeethina smiled. “And although we have plenty of Nectar in the group, you are more than welcome to join in.”
Relieved, but still nervous Nicodia felt up the dagger on her side. As soon as the Naga and Albin left Naga’na the eldest of the Naga had given her the dagger and belt. After all the time that had passed since then, it still felt strange to her.
“Thank you, you won’t be disappointed!” after saluting Nicodia disappeared in tbe crowd of volunteers. “Alright!” Venia slithered in front of the waiting people, her hands behind her back. “You have amassed here to actively probe the enemy territory for the bees, we desperately need their honey! If it means we have to search every blossom, every flower, hollow tree and possible location for a hive, we will. And we will not return unless enemy forces prove impenetrable, or we find our goal.” she loojed at the stern expressions on the faces before her, only Elenora was smiling as Venia was to lead the group, and a faint smile was on Nicodias lips as well. “Move out! The destiny of the world lies in our hands!” she waved them to follow her.
On their way to move the new mast to the coast the lumberjacks had to make a cut in the forest, although the actual carrying was done magically by circle mages and Albin wizardry, space had to be made to move the tree through.
Thus providing a broad path for the strike group to move out, for not far from the location where the tree had been felled, one of the paths the owls used, if not made, ran by. It was again Elenora who had the idea that the coast might be free of bee hives due to reoccurring storms that would damage or destroy them, hence a search further up the coast might prove ineffective as well.
Seemingly impenetrable forests flanked the paths to the sides, only opening up to other paths at intersections or forks, Albin scouts marched ahead of the twenty people in the group. Skillfully they traced the tracks left behind by the owls, avoiding villages and other areas presumed to be crowded with the hostile bird people.

Finn Journal – 1 Honey pt.1 (ep16)

Surprised Venia stared into the direction the arrow had come from. Very well aware of what a warning shot was Venia still slithered onto the path. “Do not fire!” she yelled, not only to the Owls in hiding but also to her comrades behind her who would incinerate the entire forest on the other side of the path. “Stay where you are!” spoken in the tongue of the Naga, the words were still dragged by a heavy accent. One of the two Owls emerged from the underbrush, bow and arrow ready to shoot her. “We are here to retrieve our dead.” Venia nodded, making a gesture that she would not hinder them in their mission. “That is an honorable goal, we won’t keep you from doing so.” The owl holding the arrow and bow waved its head, another owl emerged from the underbrush hurrying down the path. “What brings you to these lands?” he asked, still speaking in heavy accented Naga. “Exploration, amongst other things.” she deemed it better not to reveal all their motifs. “You know that the giants are returning soon? Your theurgic[WITCHERY?] friends will be done from the face of the world.” he looked Venia up and down. “Probably everyone will be done from the face of the world who is not in their creation.” he wanted to draw a breath to keep on talking but the string of his bow suddenly snapped, rendering his weapon useless. In a swift move Venia plunged to him, disarming him completely and pinning him against a tree, her stinger only millimeters from his face. “Now, I want you to tell me some things!” she hissed, the others emerged from the underbrush around her. Jeethina had carried Orthlan with her to the ridge, interested in the foreign culture he stepped up to her. “We should, or rather you should, tie him up and bring him with us down to the camp.” since the man in front of them was not one of the dead to be collected Venia had no objections. “You can’t do this.” the archer protested. “The graceful giants will return on swift wings, to annihilate you and your people. All your people! Of course, you might be already undone by us by the time of their arrival! Your dead rotten corpses will be our present to the them!” the owl hissed with a smile in his voice, incapable of actually smiling with his beak. Drawing breath to reply Venia was interrupted as she heard the archer bite on something he had hidden under his tongue in a tiny throat-pouch. Poison! After he had swallowed it he laughed maniacally, but fainting, until he collapsed under Venias arms, hanging lifeless pinned against a tree. Disturbed Venia stepped back, watching the lifeless body of the owl archer slide down the side of the tree, his clothes tangled up in the bark, drew unnatural lines. “They were of the Spinxes creation.” she hissed in case the others had not been within earshot before. “We have to find those bees of yours.” she slithered away without looking at Orthlan or the others, she pointed in the direction the other owl had ran off to as she passed Elenora, knowing that she would summon fire incinerating a portion of the forest large enough to hit the man, or woman. 

How to fix the Star Wars Prequels – Episode 3

Finally the last one. I can’t wait to get this over with.

1. General LeeDookoo’s attack on the capitol is in full swing months after Episode 2. Amidala is on Naboo heavy preggers. Obi Wan and Anakin are in the defense of Coruscant, the robo lizzard General Grievous (see RedLetterMedia for additional baddies like Admiral Bone-to-Pick) is completely eliminated from the story. COMPLETELY!

2. Chacnellor Palpatine is abducted by General Dookoo (Darth R.E.Lee), the two (Obi Wan & Anakin) get him back. Remember, there is NO R2D2 or 3CPO here. Good? Perfect! Obi Wan is slowly suspecting there is something going on / wrong with Anakin, as he seems less reserved like a Jedi, but more aggressive like a Sith (can we call them “Dark Jedi” again? Sith sounds like a Hobo’s soiled pants after drinking too much Wine from a carton…).
General Darth Lee is murdered in cold blood by Anakin, further deepning the doubts that Obi Wan has in his apprentice.

3. After the separatists/confederates retreat from GhettysburgCoruscant, a decisive battle that IS determining the war (just like in the civil war at Ghettysburg), we are informed that Palpatine should have signed a treaty that makes the separation from the republic legal. (So the entire abduction finally makes sense!)

4. By now Palpatine has become interested in the irritated, angry young Jedi Anakin, and further deepens the damage to his training, drawing hi deeper into the Dark Jedi territory. Sooner or later Anakin becomes evil, which causes Amidala to end their relationship, filing for divorce, without telling him of her pregnancy. This makes him even more angry. BUT WE NEVER SEE THESE TWO ON THE SCREEN TOGETHER!

5. Darth Vader! Yes, finally we’re there. Palpatine sends him to deal with General Lee’s Dookoo’s successor on Mustafar (that’s racist by the way), who is staging & manufacturing a new wave of battle droids there. While offing these and the successor (a noname, who is not a dark jedi) Obi Wan and Yoda learn of the fate of their fellow Jedi. Palpatine has ordered his agents in the command ranks of the clone to wipe the JEdi out. Since the clones are obedient, they just do what they’re told without hesitation. Obi Wand Yoda are the sole survivors.

6. There is no endfight between Obi Wan and Anakin/Vader OR Yoda versus Palpatine.  His condition is due to the noname successor to Dookoo setting off a selfdestruct on Mustafar. Palpatine rushed to his aid, while Yoda hides on Dagobah, and Obi Wan goes with Senator Organa to look for Amidala, who dies in childbirth. Now the two (Yoda is already in hiding) decide to separate the twins, Leia on Alderaan as his adoptive daughter and Luke with the Lars’s on Tatooine, where Ben Kenobi also goes into hiding.

7. Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine watch a Death Star in construction imploding under its own weight, explaining why they’re taking so long to build an operational one until Episode 4.

There could be an outro crawler explaining that the Clone armies slowly died because of the advanced aging they had to under go, and drafts were pulling able bodied men into service. If you want to keep the “special edition” original trilogy, make Coruscant look a little run down. Buildings in neglect as the materials to build the fleet and the death stars are no longer available for maintaining stupid looking buildings…oh and make them dirty. And get “old” Anakin back in Episode 6.

So. I fixed the prequels. Somewhat. It could be done better, but this is a quickly drawn up draft for the real geniuses in Hollywood to work with.
Fix the mistake George did. While we’re at it, Paramount, send the dude who thought a CGI Enterprise in Star Trek TOS would be a good idea to the same island we need to ditch George on.

May the force be with you!

Crappy Birthday in May


Apple strudel juice.
If you ever wondered how it would be to drink your granny’s apple strudel, the answer’s just a cheap gift away. For a mere 1.59 per bottle.
Alegedly, this applestrudelmilkjuice tastes like an apple tree had diarrhea after an angry buttsex session with a lot of cinnamon. Frankly, I will never find out, as the section of the supermarket this photo was take in, mysteriously burned like the fiery pits of hell, a few seconds after I snapped that shot…

Crappy Birthday, we eatdrink to your health.

Finn Journal – 1 Honey pt.1 (ep15)

Jeethina and the human commander of the second ship agreed to send the ships out to a safe distance with a skeletal crew, to wait for any instructions, while soldiers of humans and Albin looked for Trees tall and straight enough to replace the mast.Careful exploration began with small teams of three people, one of which was mandated to be a non magical individual. More paths, intersections and small staging areas were discovered in that process. But no sign of the owls, nor of any Bees. “I’m beginning to ask myself whether the owls have killed them all.” Orthlan sighed, after the latest searching party had returned empty handed Jeethina had adjourned a meeting. “We could sail northward.” “And open ourselves for another attack from the coast? I think not.” Venia dismissed the idea right away. Leaned on a staff she had fashioned from a rose bush for close combat, Elenora watched the meeting in silence. Prior to the meeting she had told Venia that they should mount an expedition into the hinterland. Even volunteered beforehand to go on that expedition. Although she loved the sea and would love nothing more than to remain near it, the risk of sitting in the bay until the hostile natives returned in greater numbers was too high for her liking. Their hut in the woods at home was secluded from trade routes, roads, paths and human settlements. But the bac they camped in, and the camp itself was dangerously exposed and close to the war paths of the owls. Muffled crunching and crashing noises rang out the forest, telling of a large tree that had been felled. From the corner of her eyes Elenora kept watch on the guarding Naga on the ridges, before they could holler she wanted to see if any trouble arose, but as far as she could tell they were calm. Their finely tuned smell would’ve picked up on the scent of the owl people returning. A rush of Adrenaline went through her as the two Naga on the southern ridge started hectically moving. Ghony was one of them, quickly she plunged to Venia. “Something is on the south ridge!” Hastily the Naga turned to see for herself, one of the two Naga had fired a heavily smoking ball of fire into the sky, shouts reached the camp that someone was returning. Hastily Venia grabbed a hold of Elenora and propelled into the air, moments later she lifted the two of them higher to reach the ridge in time. Without looking or using her ethereal sense Elenora knew other Naga behind them, with the same destination. “Two people.” that was all the shout said, but since the Owls had ethereally deadly arrows in their quivers two unnoticed archers could do a lot of harm, so Ghonys caution was entirely justified. Venia set down near them, a little below the ridge as to not pose an easy target for the owls. After some painstakingly slow passing moments Elenora and Venia had managed to climb the steep ridge, always seeking for cover so the archers might not take them down. As they reached the ridge Ghony and the other Naga had moved closer to the path but were visible to their approach. Again Ghony signaled them that they had spotted two people. Determined, and safe from the poisonous arrows, Venia slithered ahead, still seeking cover but not as frightened as the others, since a mere flesh wound wouldn’t kill her. Dusty and as untouched as they had left it after discovering the body, the path stretched to the sides of Venia as she left the underbrush. Hissing an arrow sped towards her, burrowing deep into the wood of the tree next to her.

Finn Journal – 1 Honey pt.1 (ep14)

A mere millimeters from it she felt an icy cold creep through her fingertips, slowly due to reluctance she retracted her fingers into a fist, feeling ethereal warmth once again as she had more distance between her fingers and the feather. “I have a bad feeling.” she sighed turning to Ghony that was watching the entire time. “There are more feathers up ahead.” the Naga nodded down the path, slithered ahead, Elenora a pace or two behind her. With each passing decimeter the number of feathers rose, until behind a tree the two discovered a body.”We should leave!” Ghony had returned to the bay, landed directly in front of Jeethina and Venia, who had been in the process of planning the fortifications of the camp when their fellow Naga arrived with a hint of terror in her eyes. “And we should leave now.” “Slow down!” seemingly annoyed Jeethina attempted to calm the distraught Naga. “What happened?” Venia looked up the ridge, again worries for Elenora grabbed a hold of her heart and mind. “We found the body of one of our attackers, death by lightning bolt, but you’d be surprised what we found.” Ghony tried to be calm but the words squirted out of her like a fountain. “Tell us.” “Better yet, show us.” Venia couldn’t hide her worries for Elenora any longer. Shyly the Naga glanced over to a group of Albin, previously aboard the other ship, an elderly man was among them. He always had made the impression to know a lot of the upcoming conflict, back at the staging area. “Orthlan! Would you mind accompanying us?” After he had agreed Jeethina slung her arms around the man, propelled herself with the elderly Albin into the air. Normally she did not have to carry men around, the sweetwater Naga used different methods for procreation than the lethal saltwater Naga. Still she felt and proved to be quite able to carry him to the ridge. Anxiously waiting in cover, Elenora had almost fired a magical discharge at the group landing close to her, relieved by Venias presence she led them, together with Ghony, to the site of the corpse. Fascinated the Albin stepped closer, but as Elenora before him he noticed the ether devouring effect of the body. Seeking for help he looked around. “Let me do this.” Venia gently pushed him aside. Unlike her first assumption the body really was feathered. The creature had a beak and large eyes, long, boney fingers at the end of the skinny arms. “They are Birdpeople alright.” she mumbled, originally hoping to find a human in a feathered robe. “Looks like an owl.” Orthlan couldn’t hide his fascination and admiration. “Are they the Sphinxes you had warned us about?” Ghony couldn’t help but sound almost panicking.”No, look,” he sighed pointing at the face of the dead archer, as a broken bow lay near him. “A chimera wouldn’t wear a birds face, plus they have wings, not arms with hands.” he poked the body of the owl. “Also I am given to understand that they are enormous in size, whilst this fellow is as tall as you or me.” Ghonys composure grew less tense. Elenora too relaxed a little after hearing the relieving news. “However, they might be related to them, since they seem to be devouring, or blocking the ethereal.” he continued without averting his eyes from the fallen owl archer. A cold shiver ran down both Elenoras and Ghonys spines. “Would you be so kind as to bring this one to the camp?” he turned to Venia, the fire of an explorers passion lighting his eyes from the inside. “No.” Venia retreated from the corpse. “We already have determined that we are hostile towards one another, we don’t need to anger them further. We know nothing of their customs for the dead, they might be very upset if we desecrate their fallen comrade.” Jeethina was impressed and a little envious, she might have done what Orthlan requested in Venias place.”Wise decision.” Orthlan admitted also retreating from the owl. For a moment the four stood around the corpse and stared at it, all the while Venia asked herself how she didn’t see the bright beaks during her assaults on the owls, but she figured that in the fast paced heat of battle details like these beaks might be obscured from her sight. After all, all she saw was their silhouette, stabbing at them with dagger or stinger, and immediately retreating afterwards. From the fallen archer she had learned that their backs were covered in feathers, but the rest of their body was almost human, safe for the beak.”Maybe the poison on the arrows is made from ground up feathers?” Elenora had managed to get a feather stuck on the tip of a stick and lifted it up. “Or worse.” Venia added, feeling the need to disinfect her wound again. A few moments passed before Venia and Jeethina returned to the beach with Orthlan, leaving Elenora and Ghony to their guard duties once again, they would soon be joined by a human, a man without magical capabilities, flown in by one of Jeethinas Naga. In case any more corpses or even survivors might be found, he could touch them. Three days passed without any incident, changing shifts in guarding the ridges above tbe beach, and building fortifications around the base.