Hey, Disney, I have a suggestion for you.

FIX THE GOD DAMN PREQUELS!

Here’s how to do it.
1. “Fixing” In the opening crawler text write “After wittnessing the Imperial propaganda piece that was the Phantom Menace, which displayed the Jedi as sodden dimwits, here’s the truth.”

2. The entire “Dispute over Taxation of Tradrouts” crap – lose it. The Trade federation (or “the French”) is full on attacking a well armed Naboo civilisation, that is capable of holding up, but will eventially lose. Two Jedi are dispatched to instigate peace negotations. The opening shot after the crawler is a ship on approach to the planet, followed by a short overview of the exchange of hostilities between Naboo and the French.

3. Ditch Qui Gon. Who is sent to do the negotiating? Yoda and Obi Wan Kenobi. Master and Apprentice. Yoda does not yet have a cane to walk with – as someone who worked in a care home for a year I can tell you, old people (and Yoda IS old) can deteriorate pretty quickly. So here he is still fit and all, and only needs a cane later when Luke is visiting him.

4. There will be no negotiations. The two land secretly on the far side of the planet to avoid having to fight through two competing armies. There they run into one of the Gungas, or what ever the underwater Cretins are called.
NO JAR JAR BINKS!
They meet, let’s say the guard we encounter in TPM, he tells them that the war has disrupted the already fragile relations with the Naboo and them, and that they will help the Jedi.

5. Yoda and Obi Wan snatch Amidala from the besieged city together with her CHief of Security (one eyed Dude), go back through the underwater level, negotiate with the Cretins that they will help if no one comes to their aid from the Republic. Then they return to their ship with Amidala and her guard. NO FRIGGIN DECOY CRAP!

6. During their escape from “Planet of the Duh!” the ship gets damaged forcing them to land on Tatooine.  They meet a young pubescent Anakin Skywalker, about 14 years old. In order to impress the “Queen”, Anakin participates in a pod race (let’s keep that stuff in, the resulting game was AWESOME!) so they get the dough necessary for continuing on. Yoda and Obi Wan agree that Anakin needs training, although he clearly is too old to start the training, he still holds great power. NO MITICHLORIANS! Stop ruining Star Wars. Okay?

7. Selling their ship and dumping the cash from the pod race on Shmi and her BF (Owen Lars?) they then book passage on another ship (sounds familiar? Good. “It’s like poetry, so it rhymes.” Right?) and return to the Senate.

8. The Senate, who sent the Jedi to start the negotiations, is in a political lock down, between pro intervention and contra intervention parties, as well as few who couldn’t decide. Reflecting reality. Amidala, with more emotion than in TPM, votes for a no confidence thing, resluting in GENERAL new elections, for the entire senate, as the Chancellor is incapable of resolving the tie in senate. (This later creates a new Chancellor election empowering Palpatine)

9. The Jedi. Obi Wan is ready-ish to be granted the title of Jedi Knight, and desires to train Anakin as his Padawan. This is granted, as long as Yoda supervises for the first months, or year. The three Jedi (Yoda, Obi Wan and Anakin) return with Amidala to Naboo (we need to rename the Planet and the people, because Naboo sounds like shit you tell your three year old when tucking them in. “The Naboo were gentle people, and always frolicked in the sun, eating grapes…”) because of above stalemate in the senate.

10. Plans? The French have never had contact with Palpatine, those messages would be recorded, and that trunk like nose of his is a dead giveaway. They only speak with Darth Maul. In person, he has a small holographic communicator on him where he talks with Palpatine.
Why are the French attacking Naboo? Let’s say they have a stash of guns lying around, or valuable materials beneath their soil. We can draw the entire plot like the US American Civil War. The Separatists (Confederates) attack Naboo (Fort Something) and start the entire thing. Okay? Okay. Darth Maul keeps directing the French, and is equal to Obi Wan in a sword fight, and manages to escape. No one dies, yet.

11. Anakin and Amidala form a tender friendship with a slight hint of romance, after the battle of the Naboo with aid from the Cretins against the Droid Army. Little or no lightsabre action during the entire movie. The French are driven off, and few key figures are imprisoned and either jailed for life or executed. War times people. The Confederacy Separatist gain traction.
Naboo is free.
Episode 1 is over.

 

Please Disney, once enough time and republican credits are abundant, do this. Don’t forget, “credits will do fine” *handwave*.

May the force be with you,
A.

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