Archive for August, 2015

Finn Journal – 3 Honey pt.2 ep.7

Noise of turmoil below the chamber kept Venia from pondering over the name of the trees. “Intruder alert, surely these pesky bat creatures!” she sighed, turning to leave. “Is this floor wax?” Venia waited for a disturbed nod from the queen, quickly she shoved the children to the exit, befire she thrust her stinger through the floor. After three or four thrusts around herself she broke through the ground. Ripping her bandages apart Venia caught herself mid air, only to slow her descent, landing violently in another hall. Prepared to meet the hostile creatures in battle she turned to the surrounded intruders. “Stand down!” she ordered upon seeing them. “Ghony, Nicodia, I  said stand down!”Reluctantly the two eased their stand, a magical discharge disappeared and a dagger was sheathed. “Are you two insane? These people fend off the bats on a daily basis, did you think you could waltz in and take them?” Venia did not wait for a reply, she turned away and collected some of the bigger wax chunks, in order to repair the floor. A glance to the upper floor told her that the queen did not approve of her methods, but suddenly the queens expression changed. It almost was like watching a three master topple over in a storm.Fascinated by what might have brought forth that reaction she followed the queens gaze to Nicodia. Unable to avert her eyes the queen climbed down the hole that Venia had punched into the floor and slowly walked towards the young floral. The other bees were equally enchanted by the sight of a floral. “Tell me, did the trees spawn you?” Nervously Nicodia inched from one foot to the other, looking rather uncomfortable with the sudden admiring attention. “In a way, I guess yes.” she mumbled, causing the queen to bow before her. “But probably not the trees you might be thinking of.” she quickly told the tale of the sandtrees that supposedly spawned the Florals with their pollen. Still the queen bowed. Equally quick did she paint a picture with her words, of the talking trees, the ones she and her hive, as well as all other hives, used to make their honey. It became Nicodias turn to be enchanted, as the talking trees that the queen talked about sounded like the first ones, her people regarded as their origins, although no floral alive had seen the first ones. Winding like a snake in the tall grass, he road moved in great slopes through the dense forest. Usually the bees traveled by flight, but since Nicodia couldn’t, princess Fajala led them by foot. Both the sentrys, and the two Naga felt the eyes of the bat people watch their every move. Since they were usually not attacked while on the nectar path, Venia felt safe. Still she held on to her daggers that had been returned to her. “I wonder,” Nicodia glanced up the tall trees, “if they are of a different breed than the Florals, or basically the same as the first ones.” she took no notice of the men and women hiding amongst the branches. Their coats, ponchos and trousers all black and fuzzy, giving them even more the likeness of bats.

Airrefresheners / Room sprays

A word to the people who make these: thank you for trying to combat the stenches of life, now would you kindly STOP MAKING EVERYTHING WORSE???

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The image here is in German, it reads “Heaven freshness” and Lavender …. what DOES heaven actually smell like?
Really, I mean?
Ozone?
Thin air?
Ionised solar particles, allegedly smelling like welding?
This stuff don’t smell like that!
Or is it the limb removing cold they try to reach? Trust me – you can’t with a plastic bottle stored at room temperature.

And lavender!
We have lavender at home, and I can tell you that whatever this stuff smells like, it is not lavender.
If this label was honest it’d say “this smells like the color pink”. (Note, it doesn’t say “heavenly freshness” = “himmlische frische”)

Speaking of the label – Aqua Nature?
Come on!
This is as far from Nature as (in)humanly possible, a name like that isn’t even acceptable for some fancy, bottled water, and definitely not for an airrefreshener!
And while we’re at it, water is color and odorless.
Odorless!
So, no, you can’t call your heavy scented, chemical cluster frak anything related to water, or nature.

Before I close today’s post, one last thing: I hope that the date printed on the back of this is the date it was bottled, not an expiration date. Because if it is one, we have long run out of it, which might explain the stenchsmell…
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Take care, and open a damn window, people…
A.

Finn Journal – 3 Honey pt.2 ep.6

Drenched in the pastel tones of the indirect lighting the hole through which Venia was pushed opened to a crawl space, a tunnel as wide as the hole. Cussing and whishing for wider passage ways Venia crawled on. After a minute she reached another hall, it was as big as the hall Venia was ked into before, but insttead of the spartan nature of the first, this was covered in decor, pictures and cushioned seats. The tall woman Venia had been talking to before stood next to a throne, entirely fashioned of amber. A yet taller woman entered, she too had a pronounced female shape, whilst the other bees were not as feminine. “Please, sit.” she pointed at a cushioned seat in front of the throne, mustered the Naga as she slithered to the seat, part of her lower body wrapped around the seat, her backside placed atop. “You told my daughter the ancient gods the owl people believe in are real.” Venia confirmed. “Have you seen them?” “I can’t say that I have, but even if they are not returning, what do you have to lose?” Venia leaned forward. “Don’t entrust me with your honey! Send a representative with some of it, for all I care several of your women to guard it!” “Not so fast.” the queen shook her head with an elaborate smile. “You also told the princess of nectar?” In a few words Venia explained the nectar to the queen, as far as she knew about it. “Why then don’t you have honey on your own? Surely there must be bees in your homelands?” None of your size, Venia thought to herself. “I believe it has never been tried, waiting for the result, whether it is the same as yours or not, might take too long! You have honey, we need honey to join the root of the sandtree and the fiery eye of the crystal serpent together, and” with a wink if her hand the queen signaled Venia to stop talking. Ancient texts stored in the kings library floated through her mind, half remembered. “These things remind me of something long past. Written on age old parchment.” she mumbled finally after several minutes of agonizing wait for Venia. “Joji, please assemble a party to travel to the kings hive, we need the parchment.” the princess hid her dislike for her name well as she smiled and bowed to the queens wish. “However, even if we were to agree to give you the honey, those whom we make it from need to approve first!” she waved Venia with herself. Through another passage, narrow but walkable, the queen led her guest to another room. Five children in various ages sat in it listening to an old woman teaching them. While explaining to Venia that the eggs from the encounter with her king were hatched together, only girls remained with her, while boys were brought to the king. “Fajala!” she called upon her second oldest, a girl of approximately thirteen, to step forward. “Ready yourself, we must take our visitor to the rainbow trees.”

Life ain’t that hard, phones.

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Oh yes, that thing!

It is this simple:
-the stupid thing rings
-you pick it up
-talk
-finish the conversation
-hang up

Or:

-you dial a number
-pick up
-wait for the other to pick up
-talk
-finish the conversation
-hang up

End of story.

It isn’t fracking rocket science.

But the simplicity of the technology was too overwhelming for you idiots out there “we can be reached via telephone from 06:57 till 11:59 and from 12:32 till 16:42” frak you!
“You have reached the answering machine (voicemail) of Xaver Fratzenbraten, leave a message after the beep.” No. No I will not leave a message. Pick up your god damn phone you useless piece of filth.

With the advent of caller ID and smartphones, you can decide whether to pick up or not, by knowing who it is that is calling, before picking up.
But this is also the tricky part: If you aren’t going to answer calls from numbers you don’t know, don’t give away your fracking number!

If you have a smart- or regular old cellphone – PICK IT UP!!!
There is nothing more annoying than calling someone who has no meeting, is not driving, should be readily available 24/7 and the frakker never picks up the bloody phone!

Don’t get me started on the whole ringtone topic, or the newest atrocity: Music I, the caller, have to listen to while, waiting for you, the called, to pick up. Usually it’s some crappy tune onr can’t stand after hearing it the second time, certainly it’s violence inducing after the radio played it twenty times a day for eight weeks straight, and now YOU made me listen to it while waiting for you to answer? Frak you!

So, up there it is, a simply and handy guide to phone usage. Make it your cellphone background as a frakking reminder, or print it out and glue it to your case.

Oh and one simple rule, if yuo are on the phone – don’t yell. Don’t scream your everyday conversations, these things can be regulated in volume, and it functions in a way you don’t have to yell the distance away, okay?

Pick up,
A.

Finn Journal – 3 Honey pt.2 ep.5

“They are known as sphinxes, or chimeras in our part of the world.” Venia wondered why no one had traveled to the land she was now in. Surely back in the old times, before these strange and almost mystical people were still human, there must have been some travel, even the Succubus in the pyramid knew of the honey. “They are only a myth, nothing we need to worry about.” using her legs for the first time since Venia had net her the presumed queen rose from her seat. “Do you have people capable of magic?” Venia also rose. “No.” the queen glanced over her shoulder. “Why do you ask? To threaten us?” “I have no magical abilities myself, and no this is not a threat your highness!” Venia slithered closer causing a rise in activity around her, buzzing the bees gasped. “The bats have magic and couldn’t fight you. Why should we be able to?” The supposed queen smirked. “The owls gods, the sphinxes, are going to return! Their return into our world is preceded by all magic vanishing from the world, that is the reason the bats want your honey! It empowers their capabilities! Like the nectar of the Florals or certain gemstones!” Slowly the tall woman turned her face away. “Remain here.” she grumbled flying upwards again in a steady way, provoking a little envy in the Naga who had to propel herself upwards and then fly in spirals to achieve the same feat. All the women about Venia stared after the woman, after she had vanished through a hole in the ceiling the others too flew out, leaving Venia alone with Dolya. “Are there no men?” Venia turned to her hostess, she had pondered about that the entire time, but thought that other, more pressing concerns should be discussed first. “They live with the king, we live with the queen. Once a year we all meet and,” she did not finish tge sentence verbally but the suggestive wink she gave Venia was enough to make her understand. Agitated voices rang from above, for a moment the buzzing in the entire hive stopped. Dolya too froze in motion for a moment. “I belive the queen wishes to see you.” Surprise was written all over Venias face, she had thought the woman before already was the queen. A second woman appeared behind Dolya, the two went to support Venia by her shoulders before they lifted off.

Crappy Birthday in August

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If you are an adult, or old enough to conduct business, and you find yourself willing to spend almost 300 bucks on a piece of log – don’t. Find yourself some friends who will beat you with rolls of fifties, in case you’re ever tempted again.

Seriously.
A piece of a log! The audacity of these people!
Other than cutting it into pieces, stripping it of its bark and putting some finish on it – there was no work involved. It didn’t go through the hands of a skilled craftsman, a master of his class, who laboured away for countless days and weeks, until a masterpiece was created, warranting the price.
No.
The acacia grew all by itself, just to end up as a stool, that isn’t even outdoor useable.

Think about this again with me:
299.99 euro for a more or less untreated piece of lumber, the most natural resource you can get. And you can’t put it into outdoor use! A piece of a friggin tree!
How much more outdoor can you get? But the finished product – nope!

Twenty years ago, 1995, if someone would’ve had the audacity of trying to sell pieces of lumber like that, for prieces like this – we would’ve beaten him to death with the piece of lumber…

Anyway. This is my birthmonth, this is my gift.
Crappy Birthday, people! 😉

Mass extinctions

You may or may not have heard about mass extinctions.

If you are from a bible humping (yes humping) part of the world, mass extinctions are a new and satanic concept to you, as everything is no older than 6000 years. If you are from that crowd still believing this – go away.

There have been a few mass extinctions in earth’s history. Caused by a multitude of things:
◆Meteorite impact, the most popular one, dinosaur killer. 😉
◆Super volcano, the misnomer, it was less a volcanic eruption, like the super pimple on earth’s face like Yellowstone, but the earth tearing open, spewing forth gas, lava, gas, soot, gas, ash and gas into the atmosphere and killing much of life through a mixture of suffocation and climate change (aka Volcanic winter).
◆Gamma Ray Burst, it is deadly lightning from space. When “nearby” a star goes nova, or shit dives into a black hole, from the poles of the nova or the blackhole, a massive blast of concentrated gamma radiation is shot out. If the earth is in the path of this highly concentrated ray – the side of the earth turned into the ray, is immediately sterilised – Pop out of a shelter or a time machine a second later, and do open heart surgery in the dirt. That sterilised!
The Ozone layer is wrecked, allowing for the sun to do in the other side of the planet.

And lastly, my favorite. The first mass extinction event ON earth, was caused by creatures FROM earth.

Tiny single cell organisms, who breathed earth’s ancient atmosphere, which lacked oxygen, exhaled just that – oxygen. They exhaled so much of that which we need to survive, that they bereft themselves of something to breathe, and they changed the climate – it got cooler due to the oxygen, and they died in massive numbers.

Now, did we ever stop to consider, that, we might be the next incarnation of this?
We can’t kill ALL life on the earth, but like those buggers back then, we would change conditions to a state where we can’t live any longer, taking most of life currently present with us into oblivion.
This planet is a self correcting system, we may or may not be a failure. Our purpose from the start may have been to act as a reset button. Clean the slate, and life starts over.
Again.

Now, we could try and avoid this, in which case we can spread out (to space!), evolve, and be one with nature. But if we don’t, nature doesn’t care.
Self correcting system. An answer to our age old question: “Why are we here?” -“Mass extinction, anal orifice!”

Take that environmentalists! You are preventing nature from self correcting! Mindless, meddling fools!
A.