Archive for October, 2015

Life ain’t that hard, hygiene

It was a joke, okay?
It was meant as a joke, for frak’s sake!

But then again….what’s with the body odor in the subway at 6am? And the mold colored teeth?
Ah, frak it.
Here we go again, it’s really simple:

•Teeth, brush ’em. There’s an extra device for it, called a toothbrush, put toothpaste on it, and scrub the little frakers thoroughly, at least once a day, or better yet, twice. Or three times!

Like George Carlin said, there are 4 key areas:
Armpits, Asshole, Crotch and Teeth. We already did the teeth, so we’ll substitute Teeth with Feet.

•Armpits, Asshole, Crotch and Feet – these four areas need a good washing at least on a daily basis to avoid any of the pesky stink we’re so often confronted with.

•The rest. This is not a free ticket to neglect the rest of your body. I wash it daily, but one should at least every other day.

•Hair. If it is shorter than shoulder length, every other day. Longer than that, every three to four days. If it reaches your ass – cut it.

•Shaving, my dear fellow men, is a necessity unless you want to look like a Hobo. That stubby three day beard of yours looks like crap smeared onto a plucked goose carcass. Ergo: SHAVE!

•Depending on your personal preferences,  shave your body parts as you please.

Now that you’re washed and kempt, get some clean clothes and…no. I already did that…go away…

As usual, take care, and don’t forget, for cases the next shower is a little bit away, there’s a thing called “Deodorant”.
A.

PS: If you’re sitting there wondering what to wash yourself with, it is called soap. Or showergel. You can take a bubble bath, or regular bath. Just cleanse yourselves.

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Finn Journal – 4 Exodus ep.1

In a million shades of gold and yellow, vast fields of wheat swayed gently in the early summer breezes. Clouds drifted across the endless blue skies, gently omitting the sun with hazy shadows cast down upon the ground. The air was heavy with a thick smell, lavender, roses and lime blossom, supported by hints of clover, lilac and moist, warm soil.
Annika turned to her mother, the tall blond woman towering above the little girl looked down to her beloved child and gave her a gentle, but sad smile. Behind them three dark masts with ragged grey sails rose into the dusk calling ahead from the east. Then, the swaying winds tgat had mixed the summery smells, stopped, the smells faded into nothing, the hazy light vanished without warning, replaced by a blue shimmer beyond which was darkness.
Cold empty darkness. Vaguely Annika was aware of others.

Twitching eyes inside the slightly illuminated blue crystal told of the presence of the child’s dream, but not the content. With a great sigh the walls around the crystal started to moan. Mother and child were safe within their crystal, kept company by three more children with one parent.
Ferlon nodded in approval and walked back on deck, the ship sailed once more. The four children were all human, their culture already preserved in the archives of the westward king.

Normally he was sent out to collect people stranded on the western rim around the world, but not too long ago he was tasked with the most unusual of missions he had ever had to embark upon. Whispering in ancient tongues he glared into the rising magical fog with his blind eyes.
“Find the children. A group of each mortal race, take one parent with each child. Once they have agreed to come with you, encase them in crystal.”
“May I ask why?” Ferlon had never looked at the westward King. Eventhough he was blind, he knew to avert his eyes, yet in that moment he had raised he milky eyes of his.
In the darkness of his blindness, occasionally intermittent by magical traces of light giving him his bearings in life, a figure stood before him. A myriad of colors shone from his silhouette illuminating all of the world and beyond for Ferlon. A terrible shadow, cast from the distant past was lying across the future like a prophecy. “I believe I need not elaborate my intentions?” Warthren stared at the perplexed blind magus.
“You do not, your highness!” he had bowed again and retreated.

Life ain’t that hard, laundry

Have you ever wondered what to do, surrounded by mountains of stained underwear and trousers that stood all by themselves?

It ain’t rocket science, people, it’s fairly simple:
1. Go through your dirty laundry, look for anything woolen, knitted, silk – burn it! That shit needs special attention, and we don’t do special treatments!
2. Divide the rest into two piles: brights and darks. If you are not sure whether something is bright or dark, it’s dark.
3. Take the first pile to the laundry machine, and fill the drum. DO NOT STUFF IT!
4. Fill in detergent, take antibacterial one, or else step 2 needs more steps. If using liquid detergent, take a cap full, if it’s the powder, take a third of that enclosed measuring shovel. Anything else is already portioned.
5. Drying. On the label there ought to be a square with a circle,  if it is crossed out, hang the piece. Drying rack, clothes line, noose, I don’t care.
Everything else – tumble dryer! If ot has the label OK and a print on it (Band T-Shirts for example), turn it inside out (or “from the left” as the jargon goes)
6. Ironing … you pretentious prick, can’t get enough, can you? Alright, because I am service oriented: Ironing, set up the board, turn on the iron, put item on the board, iron. DON’T LEAVE THE HOT IRON ON A PIECE!

See?
Ain’t that a breeze? Now go and wash yourself….
Oh.
My.
Gods….

A.

Back to the Future II (Welcome Marty!)

This is another irregular post, because today is the day.

Oct 21 2015

All too often people say “Where’s our Hoverboard?” or the flying cars. See, BttFII was a scifi movie, and all too often their predictions about the future are plain wrong.
Or we use the wrong “filter”.

SciFi is not always upfront with their messages, and their warnings. You just have to use the right filter, I think BttFII was spot on.

•Take the self lacing shoes – a message of not only convenience, but a warning of lazyness. There are motorized shoppingcarts. Okay? We don’t need selflacing shoes, we have people so fat and lazy they need a motorized shopping cart! Amazon delivery drones – is anybody home????

•”Jaws 19″ – well, do I even HAVE to rant about “Movies these days are only sequels/prequels/retellings/reimagenings/alternate universe/backstory/adaptations from books/shortstories/comics/manga/anime/cartoons/urban legends….” No? Good. Jaws 19 is a metaphor for this development. We may not have 19 sequels to Jaws, but it sure feels like it. Star Wars 7, with spin offs in planing and production, the entire Marvel crap, the n-th incarnation of Batman, Superman Spiderman and X-Men, and so fracking on.
Jaws 19, folks. Jaws 19! (Let us not touch 3D and its shittines)

•A fax machine in every corner of the house – a screen in every corner/pocket connected to the net. I have a smartphone, a tablet, a laptop, a netbook, my wife has a smartphone, a tablet, a notebook and we have a huge ass TV. People are online ALL DAMN DAY! You may not get fired through your smartphone, but because of actions taken on it (facebook post dissing your boss, and BAM you’re fired. f.e.)

•Tech obsession with multiple TV Channels and personal gadgets as well as handsfree gaming – uuuhm…see above’s paragraph for details…

•DeHydrated Pizza – It is not so much the Pizza in and of itself that is spot on, but our addiction to easy access, pre-made junk food. Microwave Popcorn and other such foods, instant ramen, bread you bake for ten minutes and you have a loaf of bread? Are you kidding? BttFII was dead on.

Of course there was other stuff they were right about, and some they were wrong about. But these are the things that people rant about the most.
So, yeah, welcome Marty, please turn things right in the past.

Good luck, and as always,
Take care,
A.

Writing update 19th Oct 2015

•I just uploaded a bunch of stuff for the next few updates concerning Whose World.

•I finished editorial for almost all episodes of Rings of Fate, only 6 to go, then new work starts….

•New Work!
Either my good old NaNoWriMo ideas will be revived (or much rather, finally tackled), or it will be a new project (SciFi again: “A.C.”), or another sort of new project (sort of a spin off in the SciFi realm of RoF: “Armageddon”).
I don’t know exactly. I also am toying with the idea of brushing up some old things (Naga, Mr. Zed).
We’ll see…

•NaNoWriMo to be blunt, I can’t tackle that. I’d love to, but I can’t.
I write (and edit) on my way to work, and then on the way back home. There’s just not enough time to write a “novel” in those time slots in just one month. So, yeah, I’m not going to participate in NaNoWriMo. Definitely not. But I wish you all the best, and the muses kisses for your NaNoWriMo endeavours.

As usual, take care,
A.

Finn Journal – 3 Honey pt.2 ep.14

“To give you the abbreviated explanation for our presence, we, the great fungal mind, do not want the Sphinxes to return, hence we are aiding you in every way possible.” Doubt in her eyes Venia glanced to Helius. “I believe you under one condition, and one condition only, leave the free fungals alone! From now on until the end of the fungus.” the old man stared emotionless at the free Fungal. “We agree.” he paused. “We can even contractually agree upon not harming any of the free people any more.” between the Albin, Naga and Helius assembled at the side of the ship, Nicodia emerged. “All if them? Including my people?” in her voice lingered a hatred atypical of the young woman. “Including your kind.” a knowing smile crept onto the mans lips. Nicodia glanced to Venia, she was distrustful of the Fungal empire, especially since the great fungus had reawakened. But as the Naga she knew that they stood no chance against the battleship next to their vessel. “I agree with reluctance, if we find out you were betraying any one of us, you, the great fungus, will pay dearly. This time your demise wouldn’t be the merciful, undoable Albin way, but a finte one, irreversible.” Venia vowed to the man who spoke for the fungal collective mind and to herself.   The island in the southern parts of the sweetwater sea was enchanting to Venia. Although an Albin settlement lay at the base of the tall pyramid, with traditional human and fungal buildings, as well as the simple floral homes, strewn in, Venia felt as if she had come to a home she never kbew existed. In the waters around tge island the Naga had dwellings, small caverns where they raised their daughters. Fascinated by the differences between saltwater and sweetwater Naga she could look around and explore for hours on end. On one hand they were Naga, but on the other their culture was alien to her. “We feel the same way for the circle.” Tamir pointed at one of the traditional human houses. “In the desert, we dwell differently than these lushlanders. Our culture, the way we approach magic, all different. But yet, familiar.” Venia could only nod in agreement. “We are ready to begin the procedure.” he smiled waving her to follow him. Silently she shook her head. “Take this, the tree said that two would be better, but I have nothing to contribute up there.” reluctantly he took hold of the root that Venia stretched towards him.   Gently smiling he greeted her in silence as she turned to the coast again, ignoring the assembly behind her. The ragged sails that appeared on the flat horizon of the drinkable ocean were a much more interesting sight to her.

Random rant

•”She threads two rats asses on some string to hang in the livingroom, when you see why, it’s pure genius!”

No.
Not it’s not.
It’s mundane silly clickbait shit. Cut it out! No one cares why dad is erecting a 30 ton concrete monument around this sickly (possibly already dead) tree. Or why we all should pour thirty liters of diarrhoetic shit into the oven to bake for ten days at fifty thousand Kelvin.
It is probably some mundane shit that no one in their right mind would consider “genius”, or “brilliant”.

YOU won’t believe how easy it is to generate honest clicks without angering people: create content, assholes.

•We just had an election last week.
Murica is having one next year. Already I am fed up to the brim with politics.
How so? Let me answer this with a parable:
In order to evaluate whether a new bridge is nevessary or not, all the leaders of all the parties (leading and opposition) journey to the riverside. There’s no way across as the old bridge is crumbling away, they see some folks on the other side of the river and yell: “How do we get to the other side of the river?” (To get a look at stuff from over there)
To which the people mockingly reply: “You already ARE on the other side!”
Conclusion, opposition and leading party(ies) agree that no new bridge is needed, because they were able to get to the other aide easily.

Sad thing, this is probably happening right now somewhere, or has happened very recently….

•I hate the piss weather. But it could be far worse:

image

I smelled the blue ocean, and I gotta tel you folks, if I had to live near a large body of water that stank like toilet cleaner, I’d have to murder at least seven people and thirteen goats daily, just to make it through life.
Gladly, real life doesn’t smell like this chemical approximation of “annoyed – the smell”.

As always, take care,
A.