Archive for November, 2015

Adventskalender.

May or may not believe it, but another year has come and gone since the end of last year’s calendar.

It’s that magical time of the year again in which you have to meet your family at least once too often and you wish for nothing more than to bludgeon them to death with the most passive aggressive pillow that had ever been conceived, since marrying holidays and pillows:

image

JOY! That's an order! Joy! Or else....


Why? Because it’s your family! That’s why!

Of course you love these people of questionable sanity, they’re your family, but every family has these archetypes, that transform the safe haven, into a burning pit of hell.
That make christmas a torture marathon, and gift giving into warfare.

☆There’s at least ONE relative that think s/he ate wisdom by the spoonful, and now needs to lecture everyone about everything, when in truth these halfwits have gotten everything laid out for them by the family. Everything from housing, to education.
Everything. (Looking at you, Jay.)

☆Or (at least) one relative, mostly from the parental, or grandparental level of the familytree, that needs to tell you how s/he did everything “different” (code for “better”) with his/her kids (who, by the way, are total misfits and should stand as a testament to their parent/s failure at parenting), and what you are doing wrong.

☆There is always the (at least) one relative that’s a total slacker. No job, no education to speak of, and no intention of ever moving out of their parents house/home/basement/garage. But they dream of a funky ass car, without having a drivers license, or the income to maintain that car (let alone purchasing it), and an apartment/house you couldn’t afford with two incomes.

☆Then we have the alcoholic.
DUIs are the least of her/his problems, a heart monitor, and blood pressure monitor should come preinstalled with this one! BTW: If you ever get a notice that S/He passed away and you inherited from this relative – do not accept it. There’s either a house filled with empty bottles and regret that may be contagious, or a negative amount of cash that would ruin you. Or both.
At get-togethers this relative is either the scariest of the bunch, or the most fun. Either way, check for pulse if s/he falls quiet.

☆Last but not least, there’s the radical. This wonderful relative is the enemy. You know, the homophobic, pro death penalty, anti abortionist, ISIS recruiting, hardcore Christian, islamistic, nationalistic, xenophobic, Antivaxxer, pro-lifer asshole, fearing UFOs, Chemtrails, reptilians, and their own shadow (you know ” ’cause it’s black”).
The sort of people you would like to publicly drown in acetone.
But you can’t.
Because they’re relatives.
And this is a family meeting, not the internet.

Now you have to go gift shopping for these misfits.
I’m here to help.
As usual, starting tomorrow.

Take heed,
A.

Advertisements

Finn Journal – 4 Exodus ep.6

“Oh, she is no longer on Naga’na.” Ferlon wrinkled his forehead, slowly turning around to the ship, “It would seem that we had a stowe away passenger.” he glanced at the ship. It was he who started to worry, a blind passenger on his ship? That had never happened before. The vanished magic in the world, although prior not affecting him, seemed to have an effect after all. Time was shorter than he had previously thought.”I must speak to your elders.” breathless with sudden haste Ferlon returned his sightless gaze to Fethomus. “For the sake of preserving your people I was tasked to gather twelve children with their mothers or fathers, eight girls, four boys.” Fethomus was hardly paying any attention, as he stared to the ship where Nicodia descended to the quay. “Speak to them.” he gaspes running towards his astonished daughter. Stomped the immortal stared after the Floral who embraced his daughter, almost squeezing the sweet life out of her. Before he could yell something concerning his mission to Fethomus he felt Venia pushing him to the other people standing landward of them. “We have heard of the sweet water Naga, they do not kill their victims. Is that right?” Venia looked at the man talking to her. He was a general in the army of the kingdom of Galnerra, although the Norsers were closer to Both’anah and lived almost all around tge sweetwater sea, it was the Galnerran naval and arms who moved around on the sea. When and if the Norsers were encountered on sea it was best to treat them kindly, stories were told of Norser fishermen taking down a fully manned Galnerran warship. On Both’anah the Galnerran forces were a minority however, sent only because of the Nectar. “It is true my dear general,” Venia started, brushing a strain of hair from her face. All evening after Ferlon had spoken to the Elders, this man was hounding her for a conversation. Obviously he thought she was a sweetwater Naga. “but I’m afraid you are in error about one thing. I am a normal Naga. I swim the salty seas and the sweet rivers and lakes. I infuse my men with lust as well as death.” slowly she rose from the cushioned seat she had sat down ina  group of Floral women in order to escape the general. “But, we can discuss all that privately if you wish.” she purred close enough to his face to smell the booze he secretly drank when no one was watching. “I… I forgot an important… thing… a message I have to… I have to write and send this week’s report!” he stammered, turning. Quickly he rushed out if the room, with a somewhat triumphant smile Venia sank back.onto the seat after she heard the door of the building slam.”Well done.” an elderly woman turned to her. “I have seen him hound every girl and you.g woman in town, never has any woman made him run away.” she patted Venias shoulder. “I am Gylla.” Bowing slightly Venia introduced herself and explained to Gylla that she had a name thanks to her human sister in soul, who sadly had died a few weeks earlier. With interest in their faces, and occasional terror in their eyes she and the other women at the table listened to Venia as she told them of her adventures in the east, and who lived there. “Originally we intended to declibe the request of Ferlon.” Gylla stood in front of the delegations in the harbour. Venia and Ferlon were standing in front of them, behind them were humans and Albin in equal numbers, between the two groups was a large number of Florals. Unlike the disciplined rows in the ranks of humans and Albin the Florals had assumed a more chaotic order. Like flowers on a field they would call it.”But if what Venia of the southern Naga had told us of her travels is true, we need to act, now. Therefore we agree.” Ferlons relief was plainly visible on his face. “We will gather mothers with their childrenfrom all  corners of Both’anah, sadly this might take some time, but you can rest assured it will be done within the current moon cycle.” from the corner if her eyes Venia observed a crescent moon.

Beating the Hippies – Galactic Federation of Light

For a long time we have asked “Are we alone in the universe?”, well,
I have the answer.
There are Aliens out there, and they are just like us. I have irrefutable proof that they exist.

But not in the way you may think.
Let me explain.

There is a group of adults, believing in the existence of the “Galactic Federation of Light”.
Supposedly the federation was founded 4 Million years ago, to keep the darkness or evil in our galaxy at bay.
Then back in our 1995 they made peace with a coalition of former enemies (including “teh 3vil” reptilians called the “Anunaki”).

How does this benevolent, technologically superior federation of thousands of star systems, that has fleets upon fleets of ships waiting around our solarsystem, zipping about the universe, communicate with us?
Do they send Radiosignals?
No.
Do they send Light pulses?
No.
Do they send Microwave transmissions?
No.
Do they use Quantum Entanglement?
No.
Are they frequently landing?
No.
Are they just hacking directly our internet?
Also, no.

They are being channeled through/by some mediums.
Just picture Deana Troy, sitting on the Bridge of the Enterprise D, communicating mentally with Talaxians in the Delta Quadrant, turning to Captain Picard telling him that the federation needs to help them out of their predicaments – and you’re there.
That is how this is working.

Any alien race capable of interstellar (-galactic) telepathic communication, would NEVER leave their homeplanet. They would discover shit in space by siphoning off knowledge from other races, if their curiosity is tickled, they’d send them there, without the space faring races ever getting a clue: “Hey Bob, I had an idea last night in a dream, let’s go over to that patch of space, I am feeling curious today!”
“Thats a radioactive nebula, Steve.”
“Exactly! Let’s go.”

To avoid extinction by some catastophe, they might hitch a ride on a ship, transporting them to a pristine world where they set up camp and continue staring off into the sky with a blank expression, after wiping the memory of their ferrymen.

But the people believing in the Galactic Federation of Lunies have not stopped there.
Not allnof the former enemies, are “former”, they are continuing their evil doing.
The shapeshifting reptilians that are still evil, are in Earth’s New World Order, but the GFoL is here to help.
They neutralise Chemtrails, clearup Oilspils and Nuclear radiation, counteract Nanotechnology in vaccines (!) as well as HAARP and so on and so forth.

Okay…?

So the fans of the GFoL (the ‘mediums’) have made pictures of these (immortal?) people from the GFoL…the humanoids of course. These are “pretty” people, drawn as if a twelve year old makes her first attempts at art by drawing her favorite manga/anime characters in an over all unsatisfactory manner. (Not that I could do it any better, but I ain’t drawing this crap telling everyone “That’s exactly what theu look like”)
But then there are people asking in earnest if that’s a real picture, or just a drawing/fake.
Are you kidding me? ARE YOU FRACKING KIDDING ME??
(Please note, when I was a wee lad I too thought “human person” when I heard “humanoid” on Star Trek, and was puzzled when an alien showed up, but now I know; BTW some of the drawings are expertly drawn, and I can’t shake the feeling that one of the people drawing for the Mormons defected to the GFoL crowd)

Listen, if some crazy guy sat down and said, that during a night of heavy mushroom abuse he built an apparatus with which he could communicate with the federation, unfortunately it broke after that one night – unlikely, and I’d still be doubt filled, but it’s a little closer to home. Instead we’re supposed to trust the ramblings of a few people about channellings?
Suuuure.
This is the level of psychosis you get when you take a right angled turn during a reality check.
Trust me, I’ve been there, it is not a happy place. They try to lure you in, like the men with the candy and puppy in the van.

The galactic Fed’s are also against barcodes and/or RFID chips, out of “fear” that we humans could get chipped – listen space elf, if you can fight vaccine-nanotech, HAARP, nuclear weapons, Chemtrails, and Fukushima radiation, without ever setting foot on this planet, you can turn off RFIDs remotely in under a second. Okay? Good.

All in all I can say only ome gpod thing about these people and their psychotic breakdown that is GFoL – at least their time scale is possible in this universe, unlike some other psychotic garbage. ahemxenuahem

Hey people, the universe called, it told me a secret, it is expanding, so it can get further away from you idiots.
With the expansion and growing age of the universe, more and more aliens out there reach the same level of development as we have, and that is why the universe expands faster and faster and faster. To get away from all these idiots as fast and far as possible.
Told I’ve got proof.
And I solved another mystery of physics – why the universe speeds up in its expansion.

Take care, and beat a hippie.
A.

PS: “Dear A., why is this in the BTH category? Sincerly, some1”
Hi some1, easy, google the GFoL, look at the pages. Love, light, peace, the grand motifs of the GFoL. Hippies. Space hippies.
Look at the colors these people use for their GFoL pages, and pictures – if that isn’t weed or even acid fueled IDK.
So, today, it is not BTH, but BTSH – Beat the space hippies…

Love, A.

Finn Journal – 4 Exodus ep.5

Venia had to smirk, it was enough to think hard enough on a question to make him pick it up with his mind. “Why do you have an Albin name?” she asked, after thinking whether Ferlon was an Albin name.”That would be a question more suited to ask my parents, wouldn’t it?” he replied with a smile, somehow Venia could draw from that smile that he could barely remember his parents, if at all. In all the centuries, and millennia he sailed the seas memory of his parents surely washed away, until nothing but a faded word had remained of them. “But I can say that my parents were very fond of the Albin.” he added after his face had been distorted into a mask of utter concentration for a few minutes. The ship sailed westward through the calm sea, as promised they lost speed, until they were as fast as a normal ship would be. After a day and a half the shores of Both’anah appeared before them, elegantly the massive ship moved to the northern side of the small landmass. Both’anahs only native port was at the north side, as the Florals had a long tradition of trade with the Albin. In the south Albin and Humans had created a second port after the occupation by the fungal guards. Still, the majority of Florals preferred the northern port, as it was their own, even though the fungal guards had made use of it when deporting floral women.Upon approach the unusual ship raised a lot of attention, but entered the port unopposed. A delegation of humans, Albin and Florals awaited Ferlon as he left the ship with Venia. “Greeted be the honorable men and women who sprouted from this earth!” he smiled blindly. “Greeted be the stranger if he not tramples the soil.” a Floral man approached, in his voice was a lot of wonder and distrust. “I have not come to take your nectar, but to elaborate why the blossoms and the sprouts need come with me.” the man immediately inched back at Ferlons words. Taking a non threatening pose Ferlon too inched away. “Please forgive me for my bluntness, but time grows short, let us speak!” he pointed towards the humans and Albin standing a few steps behind the Floral.
Observing the reserved reaction in the Floral Venia slithered closer, coming to a halt next to Ferlon. “He speaks with a straight tongue, he gathered broods of Naga as well, and he is out to preserve all our kinds.” Still suspicious the man stepped aside pointing down the quay. “My name is Fethomus.” For a moment Venia studied his face. “Nicodias father?” all color left the Florals face. Never had he assumed to hear that name ever again. Sure, news about Nicodia leaving Both’anah had reached him, but after her departure he had not heard from her again. “She is well?” he rediscovered his voice. After Nicodia had left, he had lingered on at their countryside home for a few months but then left for the port town, he started to engage in dealings with the Albin and the Humans. Even with the fungal republic, but thamese contacts declined both in frequency and intensity after the empire started expanding a new under the reawakened great fungus. Most of the fungals in the republic fled to the Albin lands, eastern as well as western, failed for some time to rebuild some form of government. Fethomus had heard the grim news, knew that Nicodia had stayed in the republic’s capital for some time. When the empire expanded its territory to encompass it as well he had feared the worst. “Yes, she participated in an expedition to the far away eastern lands, and currently resides on Naga’na.” Venia relieved his worries with a few words. “May I say, you have raised an exceptional young woman!” Sticky tears rolled slowly down his cheeks as Venia spoke the last sentence. “If you see her again, tell her that she is dearly missed, but that I hope she is happy, or at least contempt.”

Life ain’t that hard, Escalate and Elevate

It is simple, both devices take you from one floor to another. And for both you don’t need a PhD in theoretical physics.

Look, it’s simple:
★ Escalators, are basically stairs that go up, or go down:
•stand on the right
•walk on the left
•don’t sit on the handrail and don’t be surprised to plummet to your death if you do
•tie your Shoelaces beforehand, or else they may get caught in the thing
•don’t “run” in the opposite direction staying stationary
•watch your step upon stepping on and off the thing
•no pram, bike, wheelchair, dog or unicorn on this

★Elevators, these cabins of death move vertically, not yet in the horizontal plane, or diagonally, it is bets to sing “Oh lord, what is I gon’ do?” upon entry, and keep these in mind:
•I can’t stress the importance of doors.
•press button of desired target floor
•don’t: fart, defecate, urinate, spit, litter, fuck, vomit…eat, drink…deal with or consume drugs, murder people or animals, make or play music, apply deodorant/perfume/cologne…or worst of all: converse.
•upon exit, don’t press (all) other floor buttons
•someone approaches the elevator, hold the door open, don’t close it on them (or let it happen)
•no silly creepypasta games. Ever.
•it is not funny to press the emergency button
•in case the elevator gets stuck, press the emergency button, and remain calm, take long breaths
•IN CASE OF FIRE THE SHAFT ACTS LIKE A CHIMNEY, so DON’T use it…
•if it has one, do not press the STOP button

Now that this is cleared up, we can take the stairs…
•don’t put flowers on them, buy a shelf you cheap frak
•don’t sit there like homeless people, get a couch you cum stain…

Take care,
A.

Finn Journal – 4 Exodus ep.4

“Ferlon?” the called was as startled and surprised as Venia when the womans voice came from the back of the ship. “Wythona urges to know when we’ll be moving again.” an Albin woman stepped out of the darkness, she was pale as chalk, her hair wild almost feral hanging from her head, defying gravity. “Ytha!?” he gasped, the little girl, of about two years, at her side was half hiding behind her, but watched the crystals with great interest. “How did you get out of the crystal?” “You can’t contain flame within flame, water within water, so you can’t contain crystal within crystal!” Wythona spoke eloquently, but immediately after speaking up she retreated back behind Ytha. Perplexed Ferlon stared at the two. Even to his eyes Wythona appeared like a normal two year old girl on first glance. Although he never understood why a human girl would live with an eerie Albin woman, alone in a hut at the torn peninsula on the northern most edge of the Albin lands. His instructions had been specific to gather those two. “She worries a lot. Although the eye is safe and able hands, she longs to see you succeed.” Ytha attempted to smile, but couldn’t.Venia looked around the room. There were already a dozen Albin with their children, four boys and eight girls, half of which were eastern Albin, the other half western. A dozen human children with their mothers, again the girls outnumbered the boys two to one. Now half a dozen sweetwater Naga with their daughters sat, encased in crystal, among them. “Don’t worry, I have not forgotten your kind.” he pointed in another corner, where six Naga eggs were sitting at the base of an elderly Naga. “She agreed to aid in their upbringing if needed.” he faintly smiled. “Tell Wythona that we will be departing soon, there are only few places left to be visited.” he turned his face back to Ytha. Suddenly Venia heard his voice in her thoughts. “She must not learn your name! I may be an immortal, you are not, and this Banshee descendant hasn’t fully learned to use her powers!” the sudden invasion of her thoughts was more disturbing to Venia than the content of hid warning. “I’m glad you are a Naga.” Ytha sighed, drawing the attention Venias away from blind Ferlon ascending to deck. “Naga don’t have names.” she patted Wythona on the head.”You are glad we don’t have names?” Venia decided to act ignorant to the information Ferlon had given her, but asked herself how she could tend the child if she couldn’t call it by name. “It was revealed that my mother was a Banshee. I cannot call peoples names without killing them.” a sad shadow crossed her face. Knowing when not to ask personal questions Venia nodded slowly, still the experience with Ferlons thoughts in her head was dominating her thoughts. “Is she your daughter?” she tried to steer the conversation in another direction. Ythas glance followed Venias to Wythona. “My ward if you will. I take care of her as no mortal could tend to her, my powers have only a calming effect on her.” she smiled sadly. Sudden movements of the ship interrupted Venia before she could react to the latest statement, still questions lingered on her mind. What did the child mean when she said that crystal couldn’t be contained by crystal?”Do you know where we are headed now?” Venia asked instead. Ytha gave a shrug, turning to walk back into the dark recesses of the ship she and Wythona had emerged from.”That which grows inside the moist earth still is missing.” the two gave Wythona a surprised glance. “They also call her the crystal child, since her sight of the workd is just as clear.” the Banshee descendant tried to explain, raising more questions than answering any.Without any further explanation or word the two disappeared into the back of the ship. Mist as thick as soup surrounded the ship, only thinner in the back, allowing for a glance back at the fast shrinking  island of Naga’na. To Venias surprise she smelled the ocean moments later as the ship emerged from the mist. In all directions there was only the ocean, salty waves broke against the bow of the ship as it plowed through the waters. After a few moments land appeared to the sides of their path. “We’re traveling faster than any ship I have ever seen.” Venia sighed upon noticing Ferlon at her side. “We are, for now.” he too stared straight ahead. “Yes.” he added after a few moments.

Crappy Birthday in November

Barf!

We’re in the money, come on my honey! Let’s lend it, spend it, send it rolling around!

May next month be with you!

 

In honor of next month’s release of Episode 7 let me present this desperate cash grab. Star Wars characters as HotWheels cars.

Yes, this is a real product, I took the photo myself.

In all seriousness, I’d rather get that sweet car on the right for 1,69 Euro, than the poor adaptions of Star Wars characters as HotWheels cars, with a Han Solo on the packaging that looks nothing like Han Solo in any time period. Not even a poorly adapted CGI Han looks this far off.

It baffles me why these even exist! NOTHING in Star Wars has wheels! NOTHING! Gears, yes (the Jawas), wheels? Nope. We ASSUME R2D2 is moving on wheels, but do we see them?
NOPE!

If you have a Star Wars Fan in your (extend) circle of friends, and want to piss him/her off to no extent, here you go. Give them HotWheels cars, that are supposed to be Star Wars Characters.

Crappy Birthday,
A.