May or may not believe it, but another year has come and gone since the end of last year’s calendar.

It’s that magical time of the year again in which you have to meet your family at least once too often and you wish for nothing more than to bludgeon them to death with the most passive aggressive pillow that had ever been conceived, since marrying holidays and pillows:

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JOY! That's an order! Joy! Or else....


Why? Because it’s your family! That’s why!

Of course you love these people of questionable sanity, they’re your family, but every family has these archetypes, that transform the safe haven, into a burning pit of hell.
That make christmas a torture marathon, and gift giving into warfare.

☆There’s at least ONE relative that think s/he ate wisdom by the spoonful, and now needs to lecture everyone about everything, when in truth these halfwits have gotten everything laid out for them by the family. Everything from housing, to education.
Everything. (Looking at you, Jay.)

☆Or (at least) one relative, mostly from the parental, or grandparental level of the familytree, that needs to tell you how s/he did everything “different” (code for “better”) with his/her kids (who, by the way, are total misfits and should stand as a testament to their parent/s failure at parenting), and what you are doing wrong.

☆There is always the (at least) one relative that’s a total slacker. No job, no education to speak of, and no intention of ever moving out of their parents house/home/basement/garage. But they dream of a funky ass car, without having a drivers license, or the income to maintain that car (let alone purchasing it), and an apartment/house you couldn’t afford with two incomes.

☆Then we have the alcoholic.
DUIs are the least of her/his problems, a heart monitor, and blood pressure monitor should come preinstalled with this one! BTW: If you ever get a notice that S/He passed away and you inherited from this relative – do not accept it. There’s either a house filled with empty bottles and regret that may be contagious, or a negative amount of cash that would ruin you. Or both.
At get-togethers this relative is either the scariest of the bunch, or the most fun. Either way, check for pulse if s/he falls quiet.

☆Last but not least, there’s the radical. This wonderful relative is the enemy. You know, the homophobic, pro death penalty, anti abortionist, ISIS recruiting, hardcore Christian, islamistic, nationalistic, xenophobic, Antivaxxer, pro-lifer asshole, fearing UFOs, Chemtrails, reptilians, and their own shadow (you know ” ’cause it’s black”).
The sort of people you would like to publicly drown in acetone.
But you can’t.
Because they’re relatives.
And this is a family meeting, not the internet.

Now you have to go gift shopping for these misfits.
I’m here to help.
As usual, starting tomorrow.

Take heed,
A.

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