Archive for December, 2015

Dec 31st 2015


What red blooded, heterosexual man doesn’t like oily/wet, alsmost nude girls?
But they also like the combination of sexy half naked wet girls with dead, or dieing, bugeyed fish?

If you want to catch a predator see how your relative/friend reacts to this special item, because there’s something fishy with people who like this.

Finn Journal – 4 Exodus ep.10

After she had provided them with some information of what was happening in the world, she went on her way, plunging from the watchtower. Deep, saturated green forests stretched below her, around noon she had passed the cabin, reached the creek. A footpath trailed alongside the angry waters uphill to the north. In the early afternoon a crystalline wall barred off the trail, allowing only the water to pass from the high valley above.
Beyond the water soon had disappeared, at least from Venias eyes as she had focused her attention to the cabin that she found sitting in the distance. Wheat like tall grass covered the ground below and a tree stood next to the small house. Undoubtedly she had been noticed, a man stood in front of the house as Venia landed. “That is far enough.” he barked. After the circle mages had cone and learned of the Jal’bothan, or Nectar, they soon returned. Desperate for more and for the recipe to make it. Little did they know that it sprang forth from his spouse like milk from a young mothers tit. In their desperation they had tried to force it from them, but Gela had not fled the clutches of the imperial fungal guards to succumb to human terror. Drinking a suitable amount of Jal ‘bothan himself he raised the crystal walls at the entrances to the valley himself. “I have come not to take, or infringe!” she raised her arms, slowly she folded her wings on her back. It felt terribly good to know they won’t be needed again soon.
“Then what brings you here?” Crys relaxed a little. “I was tasked to bring the inhabitants of this valley to the port. A ship will carry us away.” she too relaxed by slowly lowering her arms. They might be wanting to depart right away, when in truth all she desired was to sleep. Too much time had passed since she had last slept.”Why?” Crys sounded even more suspicious than Venia had anticipated. “The reasons for this step were not disclosed to me, but I’d wager it is because of the impending invasion of the sphinxes.” she rubbed her temple, feeling the exhaustion taking over. Perhsps aided by the height above sealevel, she felt as if she’d collapse any moment. “Where to are we to be taken?” Venia let out an elongated sigh. “I am not told where our journey will take us, not long ago I led a peaceful life deep in the south, then my beloved Elenora and I joined Albin and human explorers to the eastern continent, where she got killed and my restless soul drove me to join with the immortal Ferlon who usually sails the western rim.” she looked at Crys but hat squint her eyes to see him. “Give it a rest my love, she is taken by the height.” a green haired woman had emerged from the cabin behind Crys, but Venia couldn’t make out her face as darkness rose from around her, engulfing soznd and vision in a cold, hard clutch.
Venias last conscious tbought hoped not be locked in crystal.Wake up, nature has gifted us a wonderfully beautiful day. Elenoras infectious smile stared down on Venia, dissolved as smoke in the wind to leave behind an unfamiliar ceiling. A child laughed nearby. Carefully Venia sat up. A quick glance outside revealed that she was in the valley where Crys and Gela lived with their child, all of which should be taken to the ship. Inside the small cabin Venia found just what she could expect of a traditional Floral home. A bed on which she was lying and a smaller one for the kid directly below a window, a table with three chairs, and a hearth.The lack of a nursery patch was apparent but Venia figured that the patch once had been where the second bed was located. Still feeling the exhaustion in every bone, joint and muscle Venia struggled to get up. “You’re awake!” Crys sudden reappearance surprised Venia but she hoped it didn’t show. “Obviously.” she moaned, “How long have I been out?” “Two days.” the news was electrifying, in one fluent motion Venia rose out of the bed. “You let me sleep for two days?” Crys’ smirk was excusing as well as playful. “It’s not like we didn’t try to wake you, but that sleep.of yours was very deep. You don’t care much for keeping a regular sleeping schedule, do you?” Venia did not reply, she touched her sides noticing her pouch and her dagger gone. A nod from Crys revealed them lying on the table. “Listen,” Gela entered the hut with a little girl on her arm. Upon first glance Venia might have mistaken her for a human girl, but as she turned back to Crys to continue her sentence she noticed the green strains of hair in the girl’s hair, and her equally green nails. Soon she and her mother would turn into autumnly colors.”I have to bring you to the port, we are to sail away, and,” a magical butterfly appeared before her face, silently it floated around, landing on Venias lips. “We have discussed what little information you already had given us.” he looked to Gela. “And we will come to the port with you.” Gela finished Crys’ sentence. Again the girl on her arm laughed, raised a hand let half a dozen butterflies float around the room.

Dec. 24th 2015 (NSFW)


Nothing say’s “Birth of Christ!” quite like a tree of glitter in the crotch.

Now, I’m a heterosexual man, and as such I like the thought of Sex as a present under the Christmas tree.
But at no point in my life did I ever think of this as “attractive”. Disturbing maybe. Blue waffles from Fukushima anyone?

Let’s be serious, if that is your gift to your significant other, you must hate your partner, this looks more like “Herpes from Space” than it looks “Sexy and Festive”.

Dec. 23rd 2015 (somewhat NSFW)

Long overdue, but finally it has arrived in this calendar and blog.
The incredible, and truly dynamic, duo:
Harvest and Cocktail.


Finally you can make your “beloved” guests squrim at the thought of ever visiting your house again by gifting them these books. Or just having them on a prominent display near the dinner table.
Never again will you have to think for days on end to comme up with an original course.
No one will touch your food, or your drinks, ever again!

Mission accomplished!

But beware, avoid visiting them if you give these as presents.
Eat out. 😉

Dec. 22nd 2015


For all the fans of the walking dead, who have wondered what to f☆ck when the Zombie apocalypse cuts you off from (fresh?) vaginas, here’s the answer: Cut off some Undead’s feet, and make…

Honestly now, who’s sick fetish was sated with this piece of shit? Foot-lovers/-fetishists? I doubt it.
More like some sick necrophiliac! But, if you still have friends, or relatives who still talk to you, at this point, then this is the perfect gift to end that pesky problem.
No friends? Family shunning you?

PERFECT! Now…look at them toes….

Dec. 21st 2015



A stylish, tastetimeless chair for your brothellivingroom. Your mainbitchwife will be delighted to find this under the tree.
Or next to it.

Or better yet, instead of one.
Who needs a tree, if you can have this velour monstrositypleasure for measly 219,00€? A guaranteed eyecatcher, and panty dropper.

Finn Journal – 4 Exodus ep.9

“That way she’ll be there in a day or two.” the man, whom Venia had nicknamed the silent man, argued with a trace of envy in his voice. Below Venia the forest displayed a change of season, in the mountain region of the Norsers autumn came early, spring late, summer was short and winter the dominant season. Over the course of about two.hours the dominant sort of tree in the firests below changed, conifers.
Feeling tired and exhausted Venia saw the outlines of the villages against the dawn. She had continued her way all through the night, flying as long as light would permit it, then following the path on the ground, her luminescence lit her path. Apparently even the animals in the mountain forest knew not to stray too close to a Naga. As soon as dawn approached she took to the air again. Ever since the conjurers of the fungal guards had attacked them for helping a fled floral woman, the villagers had organized a nightwatch. From the guard tower the man now saw Venia approaching.
Cutting clear through the silent of early dawn the alarmbell woke all souls around. A bell the village surely was unable to use in winter, as the noise might bring natures wrath in form of an avalanche upon them. It did not take long for a group of men to assemble below the tower. Glad to fold her wings again with all the exhaustion in her bones she approached the villagers on the ground. “Greet be the brave heroes who freed Both’anah!” she bowed, her hands stretched to the sides of her. Suspiciously the armed men and few women mustered her from head to tail. “What drives a Naga outside of mating season this far from the ocean?”Although the silent sea between the human and the Albin mainlands had no Naga in it, they were well known everywhere it seemed to Venia.”A task to find a valley near your village.” she replied promptly, hoping she wouldn’t have to explain to anyone again until she had located that valley and the people, or person in that valley. An overweight man dropped his guard, his sabre sunk low he looked at her suspiciously.
“What do you wish of Crys, Gela and their child?” he barked. At least her own wonder over whom she was going to find seemed answered. “Take them with me to the port.” she pointed northward. “In one week and two days a ship will land there to take us aboard!” No doubt to bring them as far away from populated areas as possible. She finished in her mind. In a ponderous tone the magistrate mumbled to the men about him. They glanced iver his shoulders to Venia, and then mumbled replies.
After a few moments the magistrate turned back to her. “Since you’re capable of flight it makes little sense telling you how long to travel by foot, I guess?” Venia shrugged, she didn’t have feet, on a muddy road she was faster than men, on a steep climb she was significantly slower. It evened out in the long run, but flying took her faster to her destination. “You travel eastward, after you passed an abandoned log cabin on that slope there,” the magistrate pointed at a mountain in the distance. From their vantage point Venia would’ve had to move south and then east, as dense forests surrounded the village, presumably to soften, or even stop any avalanche that came down the mountains. “you continue east, until a small creek cuts through the forest, it ought to be visible from above. Turn north from there, after a little while you arrive at the valley.”
With a respectful deep bow Venia thanked the villagers for their trust and help in her endeavor.

Dec 20th 2015


In that case, Santa knows too much and needs to keep his gossipy mouth shut, now won’t he? Otherwise the milk and cookies will be laced with arsenic, for I know what he does with his little helpers behind the shed.
Now keep those constantly defecating deer off my property.

Welcome to the home stretch with a piece of Blackmail from the Northpole…

Dec 19th 2015


Found at IKEA.

I must admit, I know not a lot about Sweden. In fact, I know next to nothing about Sweden, and even less about swedes.
Perhaps it is an ancient swedish tradition to wear brain like head garments, so if you got injured in Viking related activities, your friends wouldn’t know whether your brain was actually swelling out of your skull or not. But in the rather boring forealps where my home is, my traditions come from and my personal valor in battle could be summed up in a disappearing dustcloud, this looks like shit.

I would gift this to relatives (or acquaintances) who I hope never saw Mars Attacks, and then start playing yodelling music to them, in the hopes the cap makes their heads explode too. (Inheritance? Annoying? [Sibling]Rivalry?)

Please, if I ever to get a craniotomy – I want this cap….

Dec 18th 2015

Today: Ornaments from hell.

I have seen a lot of crap, a frak ton of kitsch and other stuff in order to make this calendar.
But this collection of stuff, is clearly in the top of the worst crap ever.

Before, there were Crocs in tutus and toads with presents for the holy tadpole.
Now? Flying pigs, cats in suits, cats in evening dresses, poodles with feather boas, pigs in bathtubs and in tutus, as well as friggin pickles. PICKLES!
And let’s not forget the mittens!

But, hey, this is the best thing you can give that annoying in-law, to outline his psychotic nature, and make sure you never will have to deal with his/her tadpoles! Imagine the looks on the faces of, well, ANYONE (truly everyone), who comes to visit that thief of breathable air, to see that crap hanging on their tree.
No sexy times for them!

Trust me, the entire family might hate it, having banked on that moron to bring them another generation, but you did the genepool a favor.






Last but not least, if you need to imprison a barely dressed Jeannie (Genie) during Christmas, here you go: