Going to a café pught to be a relaxing experience, unless you’re employed there. But of course, there are people, who make this a vivid nightmare with their intolerable behaviour.

It is not that difficult, avoid the following behaviour, to avoid serious consequences:

★If your order takes longer to recite than Edgar Allen Poe’s ‘the Raven’, rethink your life. This is a Café, not the poetry slam.
★In addition, if your order takes longer to prepare than to grow fraking coffee, kill yourself. I need caffeeine.
Now.
★Togo is an African country with 6.8 million people in it. Let’s leave it at that. Coffee “to go” is a “no go”. If you want coffee to go, you don’t need more caffeine or sugar, but THC to slow you the frak back down! Maybe a coffeehouse in Amsterdam is more right for you?
★If you want to get work done, (and can’t at home or the office for some reason) fine. Go find yourself a secluded room, or niche, somewhere, but if you’re sitting in the center of the main serving room, with your laptops or tablets, then you’re posing, you want to be seen (and talked to). But you’re NOT working.
★Apple products are for posers. Get a real computer. You sit there with an apple product, I know you’re just posing, not ‘creating’. I am at liberty to bludgeon you with your iShit until my arms get sore.
★Art discussions of ALL sorts belong to either a themed establishment, or a museum. You’re pretentious cunts. STFU.
★Gluten-, Lactose-, Sugarfree, Vegan… You have any (or worse, all) of this, then you will be disembowled with a wooden cooking spoon, right there at your table, streamed live with your iCrap!
★You have a manbun, and are not a Japanese man from the middle ages (or an actor currently portraying one) – better be Mokiki, or your head will be shaved clean after I have beaten you unconscious with your iDreck. Keep that repulsive ugly eyesore away from the public, you filthy creep.
★Decaff. Better make that decap, as in decapitated! You want coffee without the thing that makes coffee the magic stuff, you are not deserving of coffee. You are deserving of water. Stale water. But coffee without caffeine is like fun, without enjoyment. If you’re saying that you can’t drink caffeine this late and find sleep – go, sleep. Return in the morning. When you can appreciate the taste AND the caffeine, you pathetic, weak, whimp! You want coffee, or you don’t. But you can’t have coffee that isn’t coffee.
★Alcoholfree Beer. Listen, if you feel the need to drink stale piss, there are places these wishes can (and will) be granted. But please, do not drink this waste-sludge vapor where I can see it, or else that bottle will be used to beat and cut you.
★You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss….but dry humping is a felony, get out. Making out in public, no. It’s cute that you love (or at least desire) each other, but no one actually likes seeing that. Those who say they do, lie. So, again, kissing is okay, anything more than kissing (up to and including actual intercourse) is not okay. Get a room.
★Tipping is not a town in China. Why does this even need to be said this day and age? Tip, your fraking, waiter/waitress. Period.
★As always, keep your gods away from the public. (You fast? Stay home. Prayer time? Stay home. Need to make sacrifice? Stay home. Your clergy/faith doesn’t like what is served/done there? Stay home. etc.)

In conclusion, as always when writing behavioural guidelines for the semi public, just don’t act like a douche. Be a human being, act like Star Trek was reality (as in: BE KIND), and don’t make life harder than it actually is.

Take care,
A.

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