Posts tagged ‘app’

Headspace

By now I am certain that most, if not all, of you have heard of pay to win games. You know, games where you have to pay in order to win, or progress faster than the non-paying fair-playing troglodites?

Sure you have.

Now there’s a similar app for the mordern hippies out there, called headspace. The basic version which teaches you how to meditate is free, but additional courses/techniques/etc. will cost you.
Pay-to-ascend, essentially.

Listen here, snowflakes, if you need an app to teach you how to meditate, you’re doing it wrong.

• For starters, there are more ways to meditate listed on the internet for free, than there are ways to blow your money in the app store! 

• Secondly, meditation isn’t something you can strap the prefix ‘speed’ in front of and still run with it. 

Meditation requires a certain calmness, an introspection, shutting out the disturbances – both from within and from outside. 

This isn’t something you can squeeze in, between two meetings and calm yourself, gain focus and ‘mindfulness’ (what ever that gobshite is supposed to mean).
Meditation requires time, quiet and peace.
Not the presence of a disturbing gizmo that is telling you how to do it, like smartphone. 

The principle of this is neat, but once you start to consider it – this isn’t the product of love, this isn’t the tireless labour of a man-turned-one-with-himself. This is a materialistic piece of shit made by greedy fucks. 

If this person (someone whose name sounds like someone tried to come up with a jokename by combining pudding and combe) truly wanted to spread the word to the masses about how to reach enlightenement, how to become more peaceful and create ‘mindfulness’ – he would’ve given it all away for free. Like all the other schmucks on the internet. 

People who use this app are probably the same kind of disturbing cretins who wear sandals with socks, have dreadlocks while being whiter than sourcream, and smoke pot like kids eat candy. Despite the claim that it was created to reach business men. Men who would squeeze this shit in between two meetings to flee the stess, making their schedule busier instead of relaxing a bit. 

BTW: Emma Watson endorsed this shit. You, Ma’am, have lost some of my respect. If you think it is genius to teach people how to meditate – USE GOOGLE! It comes preinstalled on EVERY smartphone, just open the browser type in google[dot]com and go for it. Countless, innumerable sites will teach you. Blogs, sites, groups, videos, made by individuals, collectives, and what not else. 

How did I come to this piece of shite? 

Kindergarten. 

Our kindergarten is fairly moderate with madness, unlike others. There was the waterbottle incident sure, but other than that, peace. 

Until now. 

Not just that we have one of the parents who greets people in e-mails, NOT with “good morning” “G’day mates” or anything like the ordinary. NO. He starts his Mails with “SUN dear parents!”

Also, Christmas collection went around to give gifts to the teachers and assitants. Coupons here, coupons there, amazon, retailers, supermarkets. 

Fine. No problem. 

Until we came upon the decsion to make whether to get amazon coupons, or headspace coupons.

Which made us look into this stuff. 

Guess what the SUN dude would prefer to give away.

Take care,
A.

Love?

In the beginning man and woman met outside. While hunting. While foraging.

A clout over the head, drag her to the cave, bang the ever living daylight out of her until your doomseed spawns out of her. 
You know… 
Love.

Later men and women met in the social constructs beset on them by class. Arranged marriage, basically the same as in the beginning, without the clout. 
Later in time, they courted one another, talked, fell in love. Doomseed, yada yada yada.
You know…
Love.

In the mid to late 20th century that entire crap got too time consuming so the local classifieds popped up.
Men and women filled pages of the newspapers in small print, advertising oneself like some overripe fruit on a farmersmarket five minutes before they close for the long weekend. 
You know…
Love.

That was too time consuming too after a while, so some rabbi came up with speed dating. 
Your entire life, your achievements, hopes, dreams, aspirations, character, interests, and what not, distilled into a ten minute conversation with one another, and then go over the entire list – again.
You know…
Love.

Time is money, you don’t have an entire evening for this! 
Pour a condensed vision of that distilled “You” into an online profile and off you go!
You know…
Love.

But even that was inconvenient, since we didn’t have it on the go. So some shit like tinder, really was inevitable. Condensed distilled you, photo, swipe. 
You can do it on an elevator, riding the subway, taking a dump.
You know. 
Conven…err…”Love”…

And what did I read in a newspaper just the other day? 
THAT was too stressful for some New Yorkers! They OUTSOURCED their tinder-ing to someone else who is doing the swipe based fuck selection for them.
You know. 
Love?

It kinda reminds me of the entire Farmville crap. On Facebook, a place for the condensed distilled version of you that you choose to represent, you could play a game. Farmville. 
You know.
Fun.

That wasn’t good enough for people. So they HIRED others to play the game for them. On their Facebook. 
As them.
So some underpaid poor sods in a clickfarm somewhere in southeast Asia played as white middle class Facebook people, for some extra grain or geese. 
You know.
Fun?

This is in no way different. 
Something that should be deeply personal – fun and relaxation in one case, fun and romance in the other – something that is as convenient as fuck, something that can be done on the go, outsourced. 
“I have neither time not nerve for fun, relaxation, games, love, or procreation. Let someone else do it.”
You know.
“Life”.

If your life style (or “work-life-balance”) doesn’t allow for playing a fucking game, or the convenience based swipe partner selection, trust me, you won’t have time for your partner in the unlikely chance you ever even found one. Ultimately losing them again.
Which you probably wouldn’t even notice until they send you on mandatory vacation…
You know.
Shitty life.

Take care.
A.

Crappy Birthday in September

​http://www.smartbe.co/

Introducing Smartbe, the smart stroller for dumb people who shouldn’t have children, let alone be left alone with them.

This thing can be controlled via app, on your “I’m-a-certified-moron”-watch or your smart phone. It then will follow your every move, always staying a certain distance away from you, so you can jog (an activity for idiots, especially on paved ground), or take calls and stroll around like a squirrel on speed (always shadowed by that stroller which is creepy), hunt down, mercilessly attack and catch imaginary critters in the park, or just walk without touching the darn thing – god forbid, you could form an emotional bond with the small entity inside (hey you handsfree-bimbo, now you can reacher over and “touch” ME!)

The fondle-a-stranger-friendly distance to stroller and child, the emotional cold so to say, is continued in other features of this space age stroller: 

¤In case you are so distanced to your parasitic offspring that you walk away from the stroller/pram with the baby inside, you can get an alarm, on your phone! I’m sure it will not be tripped by the twenty people who check if the child is alright while you let some dude ‘plow your fields’ around the next bush. 

¤Your child might be chilly or exposed to too much wind/sun? No problem, just close the canopy on the little fucker from the app, no need to get too close!

¤Curious how your child is doing? Forget bending over and looking, you might catch a whiff of those nasty baby smells, just look at your brat through the camera! Best part, your child won’t ever even know you just looked at it – it will remain frightened, crying and desperate for some warm human interaction. 

I must admit, the seatheater and the bottle warmer are innovative ideas for a pram, but the rest?

Look people, life ain’t that hard: if you have kids your pre-child activities are restricted, or put on hold for a few years. You wanna jog or fondle strangers in the park? Do it while your partner has the kid, or a nanny, or a grandmother (they usually beat other people to spend time with their grandchildren). 

But, do not take them with. 

Especially in a fucking pram that is (will be) presumably powered by the same kind of Lithium Ion batteries that lit up a few “hoverboards”. 

There are easier, less idiotic and cheaper ways to kill your baby. Or give it up for adoption.

Or better yet – do not have a child, your genes deserve no chance of being passed on.

Crappy Birthday.

Augmented Reality

The concept of this sounds like the most awesome invention in entertainment, the most innovatve idea in navigation and information ever.

Sounds.
But isn’t.

Plenty of old-schoolers have ripped on “Pokemon Go”. Bashing it with plenty of valid, and not so valid points pf criticism. 

I ain’t gonna chime in to the chorus, either loving or hating it – I don’t care for it.
At all.

Of course, some are blaming the game for the things the game can not be faultet for: our unpreparedness for augmented reality games.
•As individuals some lack the common sense and decency not to walk into hospitals – including ICUs, not to hike over graves on cemeteries, not to wander onto construction sites and fall into open holes in the ground, not to walk into oncoming traffic. I can hardly wait for the first morons to slip into nuclear power plants and get irradiated because a pikachu was hiding there.
Is the game to fault for any of this?
Nope. Human idiocy is.
•There are Pokemon in holocaust memorial sites, in hospitals, on graveyards, etc., preemptively the governments of the countries where this game is available should have told Niantic/Nintendo NOT to put shit there. Especially after the far less known and far less popular game Ingress had faced similar criticisms. Did the people in power learn? Nope. Did the game developers – who built on Ingress – learn? Nope. So at least a partial fault can be passed on to the development team.

We as a society were not prepared, our governments were not prepared, the developers were not prepared.
To some extent we still aren’t.
But this is not the fault of the game.
People, societies and governments were not prepared for TV, cellphones, smartphones or the internet. Some still struggle with that shit altogether. (Especially considering the lack of a coherent and transparent copyright law, eh?)

Faulting the game for exposing our own unpreparedness, our inadequacy to adapt to the new situation, is an escape mechanism.

It frightens us, how stupid people “become” when playing this game, it frightens us even more to know that these people were reckless idiots before, and Pokemon was just the catalyst that brought it to daylight.
It frightens us to see that just this easily a company can develop something – something so immaterial as software even – that turns our view of the world on its head, that makes everything different, that shows us our own inadequacies, and limitations.

It is just the same as saying that violent games make people run amok.
They don’t. These days it is relatively easy to obtain a weapon, if you have those tendencies.
If you have the tendency to run amok, you may still have an inkling of common sense preventing you from doing it at the first impulse, and you are drawn in by the violent games. Did the game make the homicidal maniacs? No. But they gravitated towards them.
Did Pokemon Go make the people stupid? No. It acted as a catalyst and exposed the window lickers as what they are.

Verdict: Not guilty.
Let Pokemon Go, go. Leave it be.

Accept that idiots are everywhere, and lament the fact that we did not turn Augmented Reality into the hottest tourist and learning app of all ages. That we did not turn augmented reality into a sky gazing app.
Be sad that you can’t whip out your phone, direct the camera to the weird cloud in the sky and it tells you what sort of cloud it is, what it means weather wise….and so on. What tree is this? What flower am I looking at? etc.
No we turned augmented reality into a game.
Just a game.

Take care,
A.

Life ain’t that hard,

brushing your Teeth!

In the beginning of human civilisation, or even pre-civilisation, humans were chewing on small twigs to clean their teeth.
Maybe they were from some special bush/tree, with a slightly antiseptic bark or something.

Times were easy in the dental care department, but then again, back yonder you seldomly outlived the ripe old age of 30, and thus didn’t need a good dental plan.

Fast forward a couple of thousand years, enter the toothbrush and -paste era.
For decades, if not a century and more, we did brush our teeth in a very efficient way, and many people got to keep their original teeth past their natural expiration date.
Good for them.

Enter the twentyfirst century and the electric toothbrush (I know, it came out before then, but tag along), we are now (hopefully?) doing the essential dental care in an even more efficient way.

But wait! There’s more…

Some of the electric toothbrushes have a sensor to tell you when you’re pushing too hard, and a timer to tell you how long you’ve been brushing (and of course to tell you when you did enough brushing).
I get it, if you want an app for this, that it would be convenient, since people are glued to their screens anyway these days.

But what is the App here doing?

Tracking GPS location, keeping a log and profile of your brushing activities?
This is not a competition, nor are you training for the Olympics in toothbrushing!
There is no need for a profile, a log, and GPS data – especially, considering that GPS signals don’t work so good indoors, and most people brush where?
Indoors!
In a bathroom, somewhere between second and seventyninth floor, in a concrete jungle. Good luck on getting a GPS signal, asshole!

So, to get to the friggin’ point: It ain’t that hard, look. Twice a day, take a toothbrush – electric or not – put toothpaste on it and scrub those bone like little things that sit in your mouth. Scrub ’em good!
After a thorough scrubbing, you’re done. If it was before bed time – no more sugary drinks before morning!
See? Wasn’t that easy?
No need for a GPS tracked log. Just common fracking sense.

Take care,
A.

Beating the Financial Market

Two dudes walk into a restaurant, one has his eyes glued to the screen of his cellphone, tries to locate blindly a hook for his coat. And mumbles “Somewhere around here ought to be a hook.” he tries a few times and catches his coat as it almost fell. “No hook!” he smiles into the camera, and the two dudes proceed to find a table. (In german it’s a word play implying that there is no catch.)  

What I describe here is an ad for an app on your cellphone that lets you trade stocks. And it made me really angry.
For two reasons.

Number one, as you all know – I hate advertising. And stupid advertising in particular. Sometimes it seems they take their ideas from Necronimc…fecesbo…nuthouse journa…facebook feeds “Look how stupid I am, LOOK!”… I digress

Number two, and this is what made me angry enough to write a post about it: These people, these blood sucking leeches, who have almost ruined the world wide economy TWICE in the last twenty years or so (Tech/.com bubble and housing bubble), now need an app on their cellphones so they can continue to wreak havoc on us working people, comfortably from EVERYWHERE!

People who are NOT producing shit, who aren’t providing even a faint hint of a service, who ruin the lives of hardworking people all over the globe, and they can do it EVERYWHERE now!

This angers me. People too incompetent to manufacture anything, intellectually incpabale of providing any sort of service, make shitloads of money by ruining the economy and the lives of people who actually put effort and sweat in to get some money.

Originally stocks were a good idea:
Give the workers a financial interest in the company they work for. GOOD!

Now – it’s pervers.

It should be outlawed as it serves NO PURPOSE other than to provide crooks a place where they can steal money, make money out of nothing, and trade money that doesn’t exist, legally. Purely virtual amounts of money (with no real life basis) are shoveled around – it kind of reminds me of a nuthouse, people trade things with one another that aren’t there!

Would you give the clinically insane an App so they can trade their imaginary things? And if so, would you advertise for it?

C’mon, really?

A.