Posts tagged ‘ass’

Complimentary Newspaper…

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Flipping through a complimentary newspaper on a Sunday is a fun adventure sometimes.

THIS is the winner of the 2012 interior innovation award.

The WINNER.

Two things here.
A. What repulsive pieces of trash were submitted, but rejected?
B. The flowchart of tastelessness is as follows:
1. the people who designed this. As we are in the 21st century, I have to assume it was not just ONE person, but a conglomerate of people. Probably some studio or “bureau” of “artists”…
2. the folks who approved of this “design” and gave a green light for production, ignoring the malignent tumors forming on their cornea.
3. advertising department “people” calling this ensemble of poles and barrs innovative,  and entering the design into a contest.
4. the committee awarding the IIA to this piece.
5. the degenerates in the press who decided to print (and praise) this with terms like “Design-Highlight”.
Four years later.
Maybe 6. people who read this, and went out to waste their money on some metal and “polystone”, just to have a nifty new holding aparatus for the material they wipe shit from their asses with…

Life ain’t that hard, Social Media

If you’re a lowlife cretin who should be bludgeoned to death with a balloon animal for the following, or parts of it:

-Posting quarter hourly updates on yourself, or
-Reposting loud images (with often incorrect shite in them) from all over the place,
-Interspersed with invites to some shitty games that no one cares for and everyone wants to cut your hands off for playing
-Liking a crapzillion of pages, and thus spreading their filth
-Logging in at every corner you visit

then fret not, for it is simple, thou shalt follow these basic decency & behavior commandments for social media:

1. Logeth in and checketh out.
This means, read other people’s posts first, before boldy blaring out your status, which no one really cares for. 

2. Thou may engage in reactions.
If you want to, you can react to someone else’s post(s). That is the social part of social media. You are not the star, just another schmuck, those are not your fans, but, supposedly, your friends. Interact, mingle, comment.

3. Thou mayeth post.
Post one, maybe two, status updates per day. TOPS! Only in emergency situations (f.e. toppling an oppressive government) is it okay to forgo this limit.

4. Thou shalt not RePost!
Just, don’t. Unless it is really important (really occuring revolutions, missing people, rabid bears or pedophiles, etc.)

5. Enough pictures.
Enough babies, enough cats, enough boobs and asses. Go to a special interest group/site if you want to see or share this, but the general public doesn’t care for any of that.

6. Moar of ye olde Pictures!
If you’re too young to remember boring slideshows of other people’s holidays, ask your parents, or grandparents how frigging boring that was. Want to share your holiday experience? One to Five pictures which highlight the best of it, will do, if someone is genuinely interested in more, they’ll ask. (Ahahahaha!!!)

7. Enough with the liketh!
Not everything you encounter in life needs a like online!
Bands, artists, celebrities, etc. Yes.
Brands, products, politicians, websites, etc. No!

8. Playeth with thineself.
No one cares for your geese or your jewels or your candy – if anything we’d like to see you buried under a mountain of that stuff. Keep it to yourself!

9. Logeth out.
Yes, the dreaded end of one’s participation in social idiocy.
Listen, don’t stay online for hours and hours more, having the media site track your every movement out there. Don’t be the intelectually malnutritioned fool, that is taking all their knowledge from the lopsided soup that is your prefered newsfeed. Controversy, disagreeing opinions those are NURTURING the mind, sharpening it. LOG OUT!

And the grand finale!
10. Thou shalt not reveal thine location!
Stop giving away your location! Just, no! We don’t care where you are, nor should you care where the others are. If they’re near you, but won’t see you, guess what? They don’t like you! Stop checking in from the pub at the corner of my block. Get lost creep.

It is a little extensive, so here’s the print out version:

1. Logeth in and checketh out.
2. Thou may engage in reactions.
3. Thou mayeth postonce or twice daily.
4. Thous shalt not RePost!
5. Enough pictures
6. Moar of ye olde Pictures!
7. Enough with the liketh!
8. Playeth with thineself.
9. Logeth out.
10. Thou shalt not reveal thine location!

Glue it next to your screen, make it your phone’s lock screen – what ever it takes for you to stop this crap!

Get your silly acts together, stop making social media asocial places, that are more a sewer than a place of interaction.

As always, take care,
A.

Random rant

•”She threads two rats asses on some string to hang in the livingroom, when you see why, it’s pure genius!”

No.
Not it’s not.
It’s mundane silly clickbait shit. Cut it out! No one cares why dad is erecting a 30 ton concrete monument around this sickly (possibly already dead) tree. Or why we all should pour thirty liters of diarrhoetic shit into the oven to bake for ten days at fifty thousand Kelvin.
It is probably some mundane shit that no one in their right mind would consider “genius”, or “brilliant”.

YOU won’t believe how easy it is to generate honest clicks without angering people: create content, assholes.

•We just had an election last week.
Murica is having one next year. Already I am fed up to the brim with politics.
How so? Let me answer this with a parable:
In order to evaluate whether a new bridge is nevessary or not, all the leaders of all the parties (leading and opposition) journey to the riverside. There’s no way across as the old bridge is crumbling away, they see some folks on the other side of the river and yell: “How do we get to the other side of the river?” (To get a look at stuff from over there)
To which the people mockingly reply: “You already ARE on the other side!”
Conclusion, opposition and leading party(ies) agree that no new bridge is needed, because they were able to get to the other aide easily.

Sad thing, this is probably happening right now somewhere, or has happened very recently….

•I hate the piss weather. But it could be far worse:

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I smelled the blue ocean, and I gotta tel you folks, if I had to live near a large body of water that stank like toilet cleaner, I’d have to murder at least seven people and thirteen goats daily, just to make it through life.
Gladly, real life doesn’t smell like this chemical approximation of “annoyed – the smell”.

As always, take care,
A.

Crappy Birthday in September

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This is the perfect gift for people who overcomplicate everything, including and especially taking a dump.

If your victimfriend likes the feeling of warm toilet seats (aka touching asses) and has to crap in a badly heated glass box so a feet warmer and discreet panel illumination are just their thing, and they like to s(h)it for hours on the bog listening to music, getting their buttholes (or in case of female friends, their vaginas) massaged by an oscillating/pulsating bidet stream – go for it.

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6,650.00$ is a price readily paid to give someone you hatelove the displeasure of this square-ish toilet.

Just ask in advance if the bog is e-mailing or twittering the times and durations, as well as chosen bidet programs for each individual user. The world has, after all, a right to know.

Have a crappy birthday, quite literally,
A.