Posts tagged ‘baby’

People who…

…deserve a free surprise hysterectomy.

Pseudo-Feminists who say shit like this woman:

fb_img_1475565567775-1.jpg

Well.
All people out there who think like this, should IMMEDIATELY be taken into hospitals and sterilised, we need to ensure that these “people” never reproduce.
Ever.

Just like those people in China and India (or any place in the world in fact) who abort female fetuses, or murder female babies right after birth.

If you mistreat (or outright murder) your baby just because it has the wrong genitalia, you need to be sterilised, and the kid (if still alive) taken from you.

You are the reason why we as a species are held back. You are (part of) the problem, not the solution.
You are, in all meanings of the word, a subcreature.

Take care, and if you know anyone with such an extremely sexist stance (there is NO reverse sexism, it is sexism, plain and simple. Deal with that fact!), beat them.
Regularly.
Severely.
A.

PS: if the individual above turns out to have been framed, I want to apologise in advance. But in this day and age extremists like that DO exist.

Advertisements

Crappy Birthday in September

​http://www.smartbe.co/

Introducing Smartbe, the smart stroller for dumb people who shouldn’t have children, let alone be left alone with them.

This thing can be controlled via app, on your “I’m-a-certified-moron”-watch or your smart phone. It then will follow your every move, always staying a certain distance away from you, so you can jog (an activity for idiots, especially on paved ground), or take calls and stroll around like a squirrel on speed (always shadowed by that stroller which is creepy), hunt down, mercilessly attack and catch imaginary critters in the park, or just walk without touching the darn thing – god forbid, you could form an emotional bond with the small entity inside (hey you handsfree-bimbo, now you can reacher over and “touch” ME!)

The fondle-a-stranger-friendly distance to stroller and child, the emotional cold so to say, is continued in other features of this space age stroller: 

¤In case you are so distanced to your parasitic offspring that you walk away from the stroller/pram with the baby inside, you can get an alarm, on your phone! I’m sure it will not be tripped by the twenty people who check if the child is alright while you let some dude ‘plow your fields’ around the next bush. 

¤Your child might be chilly or exposed to too much wind/sun? No problem, just close the canopy on the little fucker from the app, no need to get too close!

¤Curious how your child is doing? Forget bending over and looking, you might catch a whiff of those nasty baby smells, just look at your brat through the camera! Best part, your child won’t ever even know you just looked at it – it will remain frightened, crying and desperate for some warm human interaction. 

I must admit, the seatheater and the bottle warmer are innovative ideas for a pram, but the rest?

Look people, life ain’t that hard: if you have kids your pre-child activities are restricted, or put on hold for a few years. You wanna jog or fondle strangers in the park? Do it while your partner has the kid, or a nanny, or a grandmother (they usually beat other people to spend time with their grandchildren). 

But, do not take them with. 

Especially in a fucking pram that is (will be) presumably powered by the same kind of Lithium Ion batteries that lit up a few “hoverboards”. 

There are easier, less idiotic and cheaper ways to kill your baby. Or give it up for adoption.

Or better yet – do not have a child, your genes deserve no chance of being passed on.

Crappy Birthday.

Mommy blogs!

Or joint parent blogs.

I have never indulged in the activity of reading these insipid, driveling wastes of insignificantly minute storage space on the net.
First off, I’m not the target audience – a mom, and secondly these blogs almost never have any value.

You’re not gaining some new insight on how to “parent”, that you didn’t get from being one, or having one. There is not enough substance to these vapid excuses of brain leakage, that would permit wasting time on reading them. Or just one.
Same goes for 99% of these so called “parenting magazines”, with articles so empty you are left to wonder why these sniffling shits aren’t writing speeches for politicians.
If it weren’t for product testing – including lab tests for hazardous materials – these magazines would be worth less than ink and paper, separately, used to make this glossy kindling.
I digress.

Mommy (b)logs are used by the mommy bloggers to make the simplest most mundane task look like a deed more heroic than the deeds of all Marvel and DC superheroes combined.
Mommy dearest breastfeeds her baby despite it being four and will continue to do so, until the kid enrolls in college. She carries the child in a sling, although her shoulders are bleeding, claiming “her indigo crystal child needs the intimacy, closeness and prolonged bonding,” although the brat is clearly old enough to fracking walk, or even go on prolonged hikes.
Great job.

Vegan, gluten-, lactose-, sugar-, and fat-free is an added “burden”, because it creates a (selfimposed) martyrdom to raise a child this way, with relatives and friends and doctors(!) telling them that it is absolute BS.

Adding to that, they hallow their “parenting” (and thus themselves) even more, if they are absolute nutjobs who think science and medicine are evil and thus they raise desease ridden, virii spreading little snotballs who run from vaccines and pills like they stole something.
But hey, they raise kids who are “all natural”. (Despite humans being omnivores, not herbivores, and our very existence outside of Africa is unnatural, but that’s not the issue here.)

That’s another staple of mommy bloggers.
The absolute glorification of the natural, and nature, ignoring the cold, logical, harsh and mindblowing truth that EVERYTHING is perfectly natural, unless some shit comes oozing into this universe through some rift in the space-time continuum.

But these narcissistic, ego driven, professional parents and breeders probably have lactated away all the brain cells necessary for rational and coherent thought, thats why all these blogs (or magazines) are shallow, pitifully dumb, meaningless drivel. People who read or write mommy blogs are people who have picture frames with the words “Friends”, “Family” and especially “Selfies” at home. For this is just another of the “Give me attention, because I am” cases, like the Selfie-people .

If you ever happen to strand on a Mommyblog, take it for what it is, snot. If you stare at the screen for too long thinking that a deeper meaning would peel out of this mindless conglomeration of letters and words, your eyes will roll back in your skull and they will find you, once your bills go unpaid, as a half rotten corpse in front of a computer that burned down in self pity.

Take care, and don’t read mommy blogs, they are an insult on the very words making them up (“mommy” and “blog”), as sell as an insult to anyone thinking.
A.

Life ain’t that hard, Social Media

If you’re a lowlife cretin who should be bludgeoned to death with a balloon animal for the following, or parts of it:

-Posting quarter hourly updates on yourself, or
-Reposting loud images (with often incorrect shite in them) from all over the place,
-Interspersed with invites to some shitty games that no one cares for and everyone wants to cut your hands off for playing
-Liking a crapzillion of pages, and thus spreading their filth
-Logging in at every corner you visit

then fret not, for it is simple, thou shalt follow these basic decency & behavior commandments for social media:

1. Logeth in and checketh out.
This means, read other people’s posts first, before boldy blaring out your status, which no one really cares for. 

2. Thou may engage in reactions.
If you want to, you can react to someone else’s post(s). That is the social part of social media. You are not the star, just another schmuck, those are not your fans, but, supposedly, your friends. Interact, mingle, comment.

3. Thou mayeth post.
Post one, maybe two, status updates per day. TOPS! Only in emergency situations (f.e. toppling an oppressive government) is it okay to forgo this limit.

4. Thou shalt not RePost!
Just, don’t. Unless it is really important (really occuring revolutions, missing people, rabid bears or pedophiles, etc.)

5. Enough pictures.
Enough babies, enough cats, enough boobs and asses. Go to a special interest group/site if you want to see or share this, but the general public doesn’t care for any of that.

6. Moar of ye olde Pictures!
If you’re too young to remember boring slideshows of other people’s holidays, ask your parents, or grandparents how frigging boring that was. Want to share your holiday experience? One to Five pictures which highlight the best of it, will do, if someone is genuinely interested in more, they’ll ask. (Ahahahaha!!!)

7. Enough with the liketh!
Not everything you encounter in life needs a like online!
Bands, artists, celebrities, etc. Yes.
Brands, products, politicians, websites, etc. No!

8. Playeth with thineself.
No one cares for your geese or your jewels or your candy – if anything we’d like to see you buried under a mountain of that stuff. Keep it to yourself!

9. Logeth out.
Yes, the dreaded end of one’s participation in social idiocy.
Listen, don’t stay online for hours and hours more, having the media site track your every movement out there. Don’t be the intelectually malnutritioned fool, that is taking all their knowledge from the lopsided soup that is your prefered newsfeed. Controversy, disagreeing opinions those are NURTURING the mind, sharpening it. LOG OUT!

And the grand finale!
10. Thou shalt not reveal thine location!
Stop giving away your location! Just, no! We don’t care where you are, nor should you care where the others are. If they’re near you, but won’t see you, guess what? They don’t like you! Stop checking in from the pub at the corner of my block. Get lost creep.

It is a little extensive, so here’s the print out version:

1. Logeth in and checketh out.
2. Thou may engage in reactions.
3. Thou mayeth postonce or twice daily.
4. Thous shalt not RePost!
5. Enough pictures
6. Moar of ye olde Pictures!
7. Enough with the liketh!
8. Playeth with thineself.
9. Logeth out.
10. Thou shalt not reveal thine location!

Glue it next to your screen, make it your phone’s lock screen – what ever it takes for you to stop this crap!

Get your silly acts together, stop making social media asocial places, that are more a sewer than a place of interaction.

As always, take care,
A.

Be my … EYECANCER!

EggFor all the hopeless romantics out there, desperate of bestowing a small defenseless lifeform on their beloved, but who are either unable to make babies happen, or are barred from doing so (by said beloved), there are two choices.
One: give them a real lifeform – not a VD – that might shit all over their home; which would result in any chances with the “beloved” melting away faster than snow thrown into a pit of lava;

or

Two: give them a small egg of hardened pink plastic with heartshapes. In and off itself already an eye soring cancer growth, one could keep until easter if no beloved is available at Valentines day.
BUT!
This is actually a remnant of the past. An archaeological “treasure” of electronic vomit inducers.
A Tamagotchi!
Yes, the cutesy, electronic, beeping nerve strain, constantly shitting in its egg, needing food and attention. It’s here for all those hopeless romantics who rub on people in the subway, as a distraction from all the beeping, buzzing, chiming and other electronic insanity that takes places in their pockets…

Nativity cuddlers

Athena as Mary,
Odin as Joseph,
Lilky as Baby Jesus,
Fritz as Balthasar,
Otto Ferdinand as Caspar,
Pingu as Melchior,
Teddy and Emma as Shepherds,

image

and Arthemis as Angel.

Merry Christmas!

14. Dec. 2014

babyglowThis romper suit reacts to fever and then changes color!

Unbelievable! If you have some skank in your circle of friends (or distant acquaintances/relatives) that is too stupid/lazy to pick up and FEEL her baby, or notice changes in the child’s behaviour to notice any feverish tendencies, this is the perfect gift for her (and the little one).
There must be some corrosive chemical crap in the suit that might ensure the baby of someone who shouldn’t have children, won’t have children…