Posts tagged ‘Bear’

Put on some clothes!

I’ve be been hiking through the woods round my hometown with my kid lately. We’ve met a few people doing so.

First to mention is Pia, a girl a year younger than my son, whom he claims he loves. She’s blond, like the other girls he’s fallen for so far.

A couple of people with dogs, which reminded us both that we miss having a dog.

Most recently a pair of elderly ladies, who were really nice people, it saddens me that they’re elderly, because they’re so nice and that means in the not too distant future they’ll die, and make place for ASSHOLES.

Which brings me to the last group we encountered: assholes.

First off, the bicycle creeps.

Guys (and it is almost exclusively GUYS) riding their bikes at, what I can only describe as, terminal velocities, down WINDING HIKING paths, full of people, children, and dogs.

I hope they all have accidents that involve them falling in a way onto their wheels, crotch first, ridding the world of their genes.

Secondly, shirtless men.

These fuckers come, generally, in two flavours: chicken breasts, and bears.

No well defined Adonis, not a young Schwarzenegger. No.

Young dudes without muscles, or hair – sometimes badly plucked chickens, guys with some patchy hair – strut through the woods, dripping sweat like a pathetic miniature raincloud on legs, bearing an expression as if they, these human mole rats, were the new definition of manhood and manliness. Fucking incels.

The bear type is either fat, or hides a chicken breast beneath some fur, but is otherwise EXACTLY like the mole rat. Hideous and sweat dispensing.

You may not like to think of sweat, and much rather pretend that it waters the woods, but if it runs off of your body, it’s useless. If some clothing catches it, and it evaporates from there, that’s what cooles you down.

You may think you’re manly, but you are a disgustingly looking piece of shit – mole rat or bear – that reeks of desperation and, coincidentally, SWEAT.

Put on some fucking clothes you repulsive sack of body odour liquids.

I outlined to you a practical reason why – the disgusting, and unhygienic, sweat dispersal aside – its unpleasant.

YOU ARE UNPLEASANT.

To look at.

Your backpack is dripping wet, so you shifted the sweat problem from a piece of clothing to a piece of luggage, and you’re not an Adonis!

I’m not some prude who dislikes naked bodies, sense of place. Semi nudist in public, isn’t decent. It isn’t esthetic.

Stop it.

Go to the beach if you want a tan. Put on some fucking clothes when you want to hike. Or shop. Or eat.

Take care,

A.

Raw Water

The newest fad from the “wholesome”* crowd.
In short it is untreated water.
The chief lunatic behind this looks like he is in bed with the headspace idiot – both metaphorically and literally. How many people have died from dysentery and cholera from untreated “clean looking” water since the turn of the millennium alone (let’s ignore Oregon trail times)?
What baffles me is, how did we get from “We don’t want untreated water that the deer, bears and forest hermits piss and shit in” to this shit??
How did we get from “We want hospitals with nurses, doctors, clean sheets, vaccines and medicine” to “better chew on some rabbit droppings, drink turpentine and bleach, smear mud on the wound”???
This is your flock of black sheep, political left, these are your people. Reign them in, otherwise the political right wins.

It is cases like this I ask myself why I am burdened with a conscience. I could design neat jugs and sell virgin water – untreated spring water that big titted blond virgins bathed in before it was bottled. Improves your health, increases your attractiveness for women, and your sexual stamina for men.

I’d be rich.
Filthy rich.
Excuse me.
I have to draft a few things and apply for a loan…
Take care, A.
*bat shit crazy, without insulting bats, feces our people no longer in possession of their faculties

Crappy Birthday in July


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“Wear me, I’m a bear!”
This golden plushed, glamorous-flamboyant, surely malignant, loud abomination, is the newest footwear from the good folks at Adidas. And for a laughable prize of 89.99-110 Euros it can be yours.

If you know someone who needs to express their extravaganza in the most “glamboyant” way, so loud that Ray Charles and Elton John both are screaming in agony for that person to take their shoes off, then this little piece of plush and cloth with rubber sole is for you.
Yes. It is for men. Grown men, not little boys, not girls.
MEN.
The kind of men whose taste is so askew that it makes others believe a group of aliens has crashlanded and spawned that fella…

So if you need to give someone shoes, that will surely get them killed, and others around him infected with eye tumours – here. You’re welcome. Just watch for the smoke once shoes and wearer are set ablaze, plastic is unhealthy when burned…

Crappy Birthday!
A.

PS: Wanna get aay with murder? Strap these shoes on your victim, and ANYTHING that happened to the body will be considered suicide…

Athena and Fritz

Huddled together around a dim flashlight Athena, Otto Ferdinand and Teddy looked around the dark bedroom.
They were waiting for the little boy to go to sleep, but he was out with Mommy and Daddy.
Outside the moon shone through the clouds, shadows danced on the bedroom wall. Tighter and tighter the three cuddled together.
Afraid of the nightly sounds of Halloween the drew the blanket over their heads when a flapping noise startled them from above.
Shaking in fear Athena peeked out of the covers, but saw only the dark bedroom. “He-hello?”
Upside down a face pushed down to her, white fangs pertruding from the mouth. “Hi!”
Hooting in shock Athena rushed back under the blanket, the black face followed with curious eyes. “Hello, I’m Fritz the Bat!” The friendly newcomer grinned into the dimly lit blanket fort.
One by one Athena, Otto and Teddy introduced themselves, and were rejoined with a happy little boy as he greeted Fritz with a welcoming embrace later when he came to bed.
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Athena, Otto & Teddy (Bedtimestory)

Once upon a stormy night Athena, the little owl, wanted to go to town, so the little boy could cuddle with her and fall asleep while she watched over his sleep, preying on bad dreams.

But the storm blew her away!

When she perched upon a root to rest and get her bearings, she heard a Frog’s croak.
“Hello?” she hooted.
“Hello there!” a tiny frog hopped into sight. His name was Otto Ferdinand von Hinkelbein, a noble little frog. “You seem lost.” he tilted his head.
“I am!” Athena raised her wings in dispair. “I need to get to town, the little oy needs me! Without me watching over his sleep, and without cuddling me, he can’t sleep well.” she hung her head, a tear of dispair dropped from her beak after running from her eye.
“I can show you the way to town.” Otto Ferdinand croaked with a broad smile. “If you take me to the boy with you, he might need my help too in a storm like this!”
For a moment Athan pondered, and nodded, smiling too.

So Otto Ferdinand hopped on, Athena hopped behind him, flying only small distances to look around, maybe she’d recognize the way? But Otto had to lead her all the way to the town.
On the edge of town they met Teddy, the little old bear that once was the cuddle toy of the little boy’s father. He had waited for Athena, but when she failed to show up he went to look for her. Happy to finally having found her he led Otto Ferdinand and Athena to the little boy.

There the three climbed the crib and were greeted with open, and tired arms. Pressing the three against his chest, sleep finally found the little boy.

Trio

Mating like a bear…

today I’ll be brief.

In yesterdays newspaper there were two things that drew my attention. The cover was the Pandabears in Vienna mating. Sure they are chinese loans, and any offspring has to be returned to China, but I consider them ours.
Why? Because unlike the Chinese we have had two baby bears by these two. Pandabears in China have to be shown Pandaporn or artificially inseminated for them to have babies.
Ours do it.
Like rabbits.

That image on the frontpage of the newspaper however irked some people. Why? I don’t know. Male panda humping female Panda, no motion, just stills (like in any Muggle Newspaper ^-^) so I don’t get it.
We’re not conservative Republicans who shit their pants everytime something remotely sexual comes to the general attention. It could be a hug (from behind) 😉

What irked me however is the tiny article they wrote about the two mating, again. “Rare occurance in the Panda cage.”
Rare?RARE?

These two have a baby Panda every now and then! They made one, two years alter it got taken away to China, they made another, that one got shipped to China last year, so guess what these two are doing? CORRECT – another Babybear! They can’t be together while the Baby is here, so of course every spring they are allowed to be together, they mate.
They did it already twice before, so what on earth are these cretins calling “rare”?

For the Viennese Pandas it’d be rare if they don’t f*ck!!

Hope you are as amused about the newspaper cretins as I am.