Posts tagged ‘behaviour’

Life ain’t that hard, Social Media

If you’re a lowlife cretin who should be bludgeoned to death with a balloon animal for the following, or parts of it:

-Posting quarter hourly updates on yourself, or
-Reposting loud images (with often incorrect shite in them) from all over the place,
-Interspersed with invites to some shitty games that no one cares for and everyone wants to cut your hands off for playing
-Liking a crapzillion of pages, and thus spreading their filth
-Logging in at every corner you visit

then fret not, for it is simple, thou shalt follow these basic decency & behavior commandments for social media:

1. Logeth in and checketh out.
This means, read other people’s posts first, before boldy blaring out your status, which no one really cares for. 

2. Thou may engage in reactions.
If you want to, you can react to someone else’s post(s). That is the social part of social media. You are not the star, just another schmuck, those are not your fans, but, supposedly, your friends. Interact, mingle, comment.

3. Thou mayeth post.
Post one, maybe two, status updates per day. TOPS! Only in emergency situations (f.e. toppling an oppressive government) is it okay to forgo this limit.

4. Thou shalt not RePost!
Just, don’t. Unless it is really important (really occuring revolutions, missing people, rabid bears or pedophiles, etc.)

5. Enough pictures.
Enough babies, enough cats, enough boobs and asses. Go to a special interest group/site if you want to see or share this, but the general public doesn’t care for any of that.

6. Moar of ye olde Pictures!
If you’re too young to remember boring slideshows of other people’s holidays, ask your parents, or grandparents how frigging boring that was. Want to share your holiday experience? One to Five pictures which highlight the best of it, will do, if someone is genuinely interested in more, they’ll ask. (Ahahahaha!!!)

7. Enough with the liketh!
Not everything you encounter in life needs a like online!
Bands, artists, celebrities, etc. Yes.
Brands, products, politicians, websites, etc. No!

8. Playeth with thineself.
No one cares for your geese or your jewels or your candy – if anything we’d like to see you buried under a mountain of that stuff. Keep it to yourself!

9. Logeth out.
Yes, the dreaded end of one’s participation in social idiocy.
Listen, don’t stay online for hours and hours more, having the media site track your every movement out there. Don’t be the intelectually malnutritioned fool, that is taking all their knowledge from the lopsided soup that is your prefered newsfeed. Controversy, disagreeing opinions those are NURTURING the mind, sharpening it. LOG OUT!

And the grand finale!
10. Thou shalt not reveal thine location!
Stop giving away your location! Just, no! We don’t care where you are, nor should you care where the others are. If they’re near you, but won’t see you, guess what? They don’t like you! Stop checking in from the pub at the corner of my block. Get lost creep.

It is a little extensive, so here’s the print out version:

1. Logeth in and checketh out.
2. Thou may engage in reactions.
3. Thou mayeth postonce or twice daily.
4. Thous shalt not RePost!
5. Enough pictures
6. Moar of ye olde Pictures!
7. Enough with the liketh!
8. Playeth with thineself.
9. Logeth out.
10. Thou shalt not reveal thine location!

Glue it next to your screen, make it your phone’s lock screen – what ever it takes for you to stop this crap!

Get your silly acts together, stop making social media asocial places, that are more a sewer than a place of interaction.

As always, take care,
A.

Life ain’t that hard: Vacationing

It really is simple:
1. Pack your shit (underwear, pants, shirt, socks, hygiene products)
2. Board a Car/Bus/Train/Boat/Plane and go to your destination.
3. Relax. Maybe have some fun.

Of course you need to pack accordingly, if you’re going someplace shittycold like “I’m going skiing in the swiss alps!” you need warm stuff. If you’re going someplace nice like the Caribbean, pack your beach attire.

Of course, basic decency rules have to be observed. For example, a beach holiday with binge drinking and lots of (teenage) sex, is, once you have crossed the 25 year old threshold, creepy, desperate, pitiful.
If you ask me, and that’s why you’re here, it is always pitiful and desperate, once older than 25 the creepy adjective just pops up out of nowhere along with one or two or three or four VDs.

A city trip across Europe is a neat thing, but I have to caution you, this is only for the pseudo [insert adjective here]. Yes. Only for pseudos. Of any kind.
If you are truly interested in culture, you spend WEEKS at one location at a time, and next year you come back to the next stop on your planned route. Going through five cities in two weeks, is a pseudo cultural excuse to get drunk and sleep around. Again, past a certain maturity age (~25), creepy, desperate, pitiful and pseudo.

If your destination includes anything that could even remotely be called an animator – kill yourself.
Do it in the travel agency’s office, splatter blood all over the place, or do it ISIS style.
Who ever came up with the idea for an animator (not the kind making animated films, butnthe kind that is supposed to animate YOU) should be dragged a hundred meters through broken glass on incandescent coal at five cm/hour.
Finally you have time away from schedules, and calls, and colleagues dropping in on you, a boss demanding shit, customers yanking your chain – just to have to some underpaid, overenthusiastic asshat tell you what to do to have some fun?
Sure, it is not (always) mandatory – neither is the chat with Susan from accounting – but it is annoying, and you are paying to have this shitstain there…
So…Kill yourself!

If you are going to a spa, bring one thing above all – a good book. Not war and peace, where after five chapters you feel as if you just came out of a coma, because you have no idea what happened in those fove chapters. A good book. Something you can read and dive into. Sure, the massages and whirlpool and sauna and pool are places you won’t need it per se, but there are long stretches where you’ll need it. Unless you want to catch up on sleep.

At the end, if you are an allergic – don’t go on vacations on farms. Unless you have plenty of antihistamines in your pockets.
Your body weight in antihistamines to be precise.
Which is what I will be doing.
I am on vacation next week, family vacation on a farm…any Darth Vader impersonations of mine might end up here 😉

Have fun, A.