Posts tagged ‘birthday’

Thanks… For nothing.

Firstly, “1 birthday wishes” EXCLAMATION MARK.

Thank you. For nothing. (I am a garbage programmer, but even I could write code that would check for singular case)

Secondly, what will 2018 bring?
0 wishes exclamation mark?
A lottery win? A house?
My Hogwarts letter or an elderly wizard asking me if I want to go on a journey perhaps?
Who knows?
Certainly not you, Fecesbook, certainly not you.

Thirdly, three days. Really? Got this on the 28th, applying simple math…damn you’re right!
Better get my shit together then and hurry.
Can we squeeze in another 21st of August in those three days and cash in more birthday wishes?
No?
Crap…

Crappy Birthday in September 

Quite literally. 

For the city dwellers who can’t get enough of that sweet, sweet guano producing fowl that is ever omnipresent in urban areas the world over. 

Pigeons. 

Fathered crap bags. Cast in stone…or clay. 

“It reminded me of you.” Normally this can be a quite romantic line, but with this, you can tell a yuppie what you think of them. Urban crap bag. Ucrab. 

Crappy Birthday! A.

Happy Anniversary.

The Voyager probes were launched before I was born. Five years before I was born. 

When I grew up during the 80s and 90s they beamed back scientific insight and observations about our solar system, pictures and measurements, hard evidence and knowledge, that I would come to read in textbooks that I devoured. 

They humbled us. By giving us a glimpse of our world from so far away, that this place, ask these places, were a mere pixel, a mote of dust.

They empowered us. By being the farthest man made objects in space. (Until they find a a Viking ship sailing the interstellar medium I guess.) By teaching us. 

They enabled us. By making subsequent missions a possibility. Juno, Cassini-Hyugens, New Horizons. All these would not have happened, our at least not in the way they happened, without the Voyager probes.

Their mission, ongoing as it is today, is vital for our understanding of the universe, and our place in it, as well as it is inspiring. 

Go boldly, Voyagers, where no man (made object) has gone before.

A.

PS: It’s my birthday today. 

Crappy Birthday in July

Imagine the “majestic” flamingo, perched on a pedestal of guano, one foot dangling to the ground. 


That wonderful hideousness can be yours to drive relatives and acquaintances over the edge for the lo lo price of 2.95€. Cheese factor is over 9000.

Crappy Birthday, A.

Crappy Birthday in June

Know a smoker? Hate the living crap out of that fucker? Want to gift him/her with the worst curse from Pandora’s box – false hope?


Lucky you! 

This cigarette case, with the hopeful message of survival, whilst containing suicide in small doses, is the perfect gift for this occasion. 
Crappy birthday,

A.

Crappy Easter 2017 

Holy snotballs!

If you know a baking aficionado whom you hate, and want them to feel sick to their stomach everytine they bake, here’s the gift idea of your liking.

The pig regurgitates the yolk (out of its nose mind you).

Turn the passion of someone into a phobia. You’re welcome, have a Crappy Easter. (Just the one this year, sorry)

A.

Crappy Birthday in March

Holy freak, I almost forgot about you folks needing this month’s birthday presents.

Here it comes, the costume to end all costumes, the cosplay to end all cosplay.

For 28 Euro you can look like a carcinogenic piece of pork. (With a smile that fills every creep with envy)
Ideal gift for your Jewish or Muslim friends, or their elderly relatives. Or yours if you’re from a faith forbidding pork.
A hearty laugh will be had in any case.

Gift this, our present yourself in this at any gift giving occasion this month, if you love to frak with people’s minds.
Drive them further towards, or further over, the edge. Redefine reality, and let them know, that you’re alive, and that they are too.
Whether they like it, our not.

Crappy Birthday,
A.

Crappy Birthday Jan 2017

This rainbow morphsuit is for kids. For the low-low price 34.99€ you can not only traumatize your own brat, but all their friends too!
Act quick and you can give away the 1960s selnderman, watch children cry, hear them sob, watch their parents rake up the therapist bills afterwards.

Crappy Birthday!

15. Nov. 2016

Next month is the ugly christmas sweater month, this onth is the fugly sweater month.
Eye cancer November, if you will.

The perfect birthday gift for any relative who always wanted to kill himself, but didn’t know it, now they have a reason.

Crappy Birthday!

Crappy Birthday in July

​24.99€ each and this can be YOURS!
I tried all three, albeit somewhat involuntarily at first.

Jedi and Empire are essentially the same smell, although Jedi is far less intense.

Imagine a sweet smell as if something was rotting, only far less unpleasant. Add some musky and bitter tones, and you have these two.
As for the only “female” stenchsmell in this menage a catastrophé, this is a smell that is (both descriptively and figuratively), as if cottoncandy and burned almonds, are wrapped around some stiff sausage that is already spoiled and smelling, but not yet rotten, before your nostrils are brutally, but lovingly, violated with it.

In all honesty, if ArmadilloAmidala really stank like this perfume, Anakin would’ve turned darkside in Episode 1, Luke and Leia would’ve never been conceived because Anakin would have murdered the shit out of everyone, especially Amidala.

So this is the perfect gift for Star Wars Geeks and Nerdettes to piss them off (and out of your life and future gift obligations), as well as for people who dislike, or outright hate, Star Wars, giving them another reason to hate the saga. This obnoxious stench.

Crappy Birthday, take care,
A.

PS: There is Jedi and Empire for men, but only Amidala for women. Why?