Posts tagged ‘caffeine’

Life ain’t that hard, drinking!

No, not that kind of drinking.
The one that doesn’t involve alcohol.

If you’re like me, then the suggested, supposedly “healthy”, dose of at least 2 liters of water per day is an unbearble summer reading assignment, equal to having to read war and peace over the weekend and write a paper on it.

Look, life ain’t that hard, in order to keep “hydrated” and healthy, just follow this simple guideline:
1. Nature blessed us with a sense that alerts us if we need to drink: THIRST! If you’re thirsty, drink. If not, don’t pump more stuff in. If that results in 0.5 liters a day, that’s fine, your body seems to not need any more.
2. The urban legend of coffee (or caffeinated drink) dehydrating the body keeps getting passed around like a nasty STD. Were it to be true, I would look like a desert mummy from the Andes! I don’t. I’m healthy and alive. So keep drinking it, even to quench your thirst.
3. Once your piss starts to be colourless, stop drinking so much. You’re not a fountain.

There. A concise list on how to drink healthily.

If by any chance you give in to the pressure and give this shit of drinking at least 2 litres of non-alcoholic and non-caffeinated stuff a try, and then someone asks you, after a week, whether you feel any better – piss on them.
That’s the only feeling that I have, since starting this trial run: the urge to pee every fifteen minutes.

Take care,
A.

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Life ain’t that hard, stuff-free stuff

Short and simple this time.

-If you can’t process lactose, stay the frak away from milk. Leave milk alone, use soy juice or coconut juice, and don’t you dare call any of it “milk”.
-If you can’t handle gluten, don’t eat it, but don’t substract gluten from stuff.
-The same goes for low-carb! Don’t eat carbohydrates if you don’t wanna, but leave them where they belong.
-If you need to drive, don’t drink. If you order an alcohol free beer – you better get drunk instead.
-If you don’t want to ingest sugar, fracking don’t. Live with the health conscious choice you made and do not use other stuff for substitute.
-Same for vegans. Conscious choice, deal with it. But don’t play with your soypaste and build yourself a fake steak. You want a sausage, either have sex, or get a real one.
-You want coffee? Drink coffee. You don’t want caffeine? Don’t drink coffee. The end.

In even shorter form: Can’t, or don’t want to, handle it? Live with it.

Stop over-complicating things. Stop cluttering the world with your filthy useless garbage! Otherwise we will soon have joyless joy, sexfree sex and playfree playtime.
Life ain’t that hard, stop taking things out of stuff where they belong in.

Take care,
A.

Caffeine (comedy)

One of these days I’m gonna drop dead.

I’ll just stop breathing, and tumble over.

They will discover then that I have no more blood in my system, but pure undiluted caffeine!
Curious how I survived to the point of my death they’re gonna start an autopsy, just when placing the scalpel for the first incision I’ll wake up, screaming!
They’ll ask “How do you live?” to which I’ll reply “What do you mean ‘How do I live?’ I just DO! How DO YOU live??”
“You ain’t got no blood, only caffeine pumping through your veins!”
“Then why do feel tired all the time?” even more curious they’ll want to cut me open anyway, to which I’ll say “You can’t! You fracking can’t! There is no sufficient caffeine transfusion to keep me alive and you Frackers swore an oath to protect life!” then I’ll hook up a can of RedBull to my veins and run off.

‘Cause you see, sleep is a commodity that many can’t afford these days.
Myself very well included.

Ask doctors, and they’ll tell you that eight hours a night is healthy, and just what you should get.
Frak you!
If I want eight hours of sleep I’d need to go to bed at 9pm! But there’s too much left to do at 9pm!

First of all my baby needs feeding, bathing, change of diapers. Then my wife needs (my) time too, something she sadly doesn’t get enough of as of late. Don’t forget – watering the plants, wlaking the dog, dishes, laundry, and tidying up a little.
Go to bed at 9 pm and you’ll vomit in your pyjamas the next morning when you see the mess in the kitchen.

So, no. No sleep at 9pm, bugger off. In the meanwhile I’ll keep substituting sleep with coffee transforming myself slowly but steadily from a “Homo Sapiens Sapiens” into a “Homo Sapiens Caffeinis” – something like a zombie, only aware and only harmful to coffee and energy drinks…Who needs oygen when you have sugar? Who needs nutrients when you’ve got caffeine? ;Þ