Posts tagged ‘cars’

Streets of Vienna

There is a street in my town, called Triester Strasse – Street to Triest (guss where it leads to in the end, realy difficult innit?), which is notorious for its traffic. 

There is always traffic. No time of day without traffic, never could you (if you had a balcony or window to that street) sit there and enjoy the silence, if one day you wake and the street is silent, and stays that way, congratulations, you survived the apocalypse. 

Triester Straße is also notorious for the nightlife there. Brothels, ‘Massage parlours’, Strip clubs – like pearls on a string. 

My wife and I were driving down that road, out of town, doing some errands when we noticed the following on the side of the road:
Brothel, Stripclub, ‘Massage parlour’, intersection, Kindergarden, Brothel.

Read that again.
Slowly.
Perhaps speak the words aloud.

Brothel
Stripclub
‘Massage parlour’
Intersection
Kindergarden (Daycare)
Brothel

There are several things here that disturb me.
1 – next to a street that coughs up enough exhaust and soot to fill cathedrals in minutes, you do not open a daycare.
2 – the prudish ways of the Americans where a titty is worse than guns is not my thing, but brothels next door to daycare centers are a bit too much too early.
3 – at least the ‘masage parlour’ and the brothel immediately next door to the Kindergarten were displaying bright ‘Open’ signs. At half past two PM.

A few questions arise too:
a) – What kind of men go to a brothel at that hour?
b) – Do you want those men near your kids?
c) – Are those the children of the prostitutes, strippers, and ‘massage experts’?
d) – Do these kids have a pole?
e) – Can customers of the surrounding establishments put their kids into the daycare by the hour?
f) – Whose fucking idea was this?
g) – Seriously? SERIOUSLY???

Well, that was enough roadside entertainment for me. Carrying a pax closet upstairs six flights. That shall preoccupy my mind now….

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Empty bottles

Harkening back to the good ol’ parent-teacher conference, and the burning issue of the filling status of the waterbottle, I saw such an empty bottle today.
And her husband. And their three daughters.

But one thing at a time.

We went to the supermarket, just entering the parking lot, an Audi A6 stops dead in his tracks just in front of us, hindering us to reach a suitable spot to park our car.

Admitted, the place looked desolate, due to construction work being done on it, but a giant; HUUGE banner above the door told visitors in three simple words “Open despite Renovations” (in german “Offen trotz Umbau”), in all capital letters, the sign told from afar that they’re inindeed open.
So the car blocked us, and then the shotgun side opens, a woman – type: former UdSSR mail order bride, twenty years later – leaves. She walks up to the door, which is well lit, and people are in there. She enters, looks at the carts, at the register, at the people, then turns around and nods with a glad smile.
Now the car parks, now I see the driver. Type: guy who bought a broad from the former UdSSR twenty years ago.
I try to calm myself, maybe they both can’t read/speak german, despite their local registration plate. (It happens, more often than you think)
Oh, wait, they have HOW many girls between 6 and 8? Three? One of them ought to be able to read that three word sentence above the door…

Later I hear him talk at the regoster with the cashier. He is from around here. He is a native. His natove language IS the same as the sign/banner above the door. This is the kind of parent that asks about the bottle three times. The kind that writes down even the most mundane basic shit, and STILL gets everything wrong.

I saw an empty bottle today. Five of them in fact…

Two wheeled menace

I have had it with these crazy bicycles!

If Cyclists – and all you environmentally conscious people out there – want (them) to be taken as serious members of traffic we need to change a few things.

1.: Mandatory Driving License – as any motorist needs one, as any one on public transport needs a bus pass, these morons need one too. So they at least once have heard of traffic laws. No driving license, no bike.
2.: Mandatory helmet – if one is caught without one, the same “punishment” a car driver gets when driving wihtout a seatbelt. Period. Three strikes and the bike is pounded.
3.: Mandatory License Plates – Seriously. If these creeps mow down old hags and little kids, at least we can identify the vehicle that did it! And in most cases the owner of said bike will be the culprit. Fulfledged members of traffic need a license plate! But we can make these free in opposition to those on cars and motorbikes. Bike doesn’t have a license plate and is on the street – pounded.
4.: No more exceptions! – If I see one more “One Way” sign with the amendment “Except bicycles” I’ll plaster that with dogshit! And…
5.: …no more driving on the sidewalks! You wanted to be a full member of traffic, you use the road! Period! Violators should be givin a one month driving ban (including cars!), and the bike is confiscated for the duration of that time.
6.: No phoning, texting, riding it hands-free or drunk/DUI. Self explanatory I guess. Impoundment when violated.
7.: Mandatory service checks! Just as any car has to be checked if it is still road safe, the bikes need the same treatment. If it isn’t fit anymore, it needs to be either mended or discarded.
8.: Kids on bikes – No. Just no. Kids under the age of 12 can ride it in the company of their parents (or other guardian) on the road, or on designated bike lanes. Older, and they can have the driving license for the bike, and go out alone. But no more letting kids go out and play on their bike. These kids are more often than not monsters on two wheels and are a menace to others and themselves. (I was one once, trust me!) NO!

I am all for saving the environment.
Especially from CO2 emissions. But I’m also a huge fan of safety! But I can’t step outside my office without being run over by a crazy cyclist on the friggin sidewalk. I know not all of you un-motorised two wheeled folks out there are crazy lunatics that should only be allowed to drive in a padded underground tunnel where no one can get harmed. In fact, most of you are not.

But this is a safety measure that needs to be taken, a car or motorcycle needs a license plate, a “skilled” driver (yeah I know, but in theory they received training), checks and rules where driving it is allowed.

Bicycles need that too. It is crucial for road safety.
I have more ideas for road safety, but most of those are the insane ravings of a lunatic. Like: mandatory Dashcams for new cars, subsidies for installing such a system in your current car, so you can send footage of traffic violations (or other violations) to the police, since they can’t be everywhere. (In an insane plottwist, if the Police are the culprits, you too have the civic liberty/duty to document these incidents)
Or huge-ass subsidies for electric cars. Give people an insentive to buy one, and install waaaaay more charging stations throughout urban areas.
As I’ve said.
Maniacal ravings of a crazy man.

While I’m on the subject of bikes.

Stop it with the E-Bikes. They have the same speed a normal bike has, so it ain’t an electric motorbike. It’s crap for pseudo intellectual, environmentally stupid folk to jerk off their conscience concerning fitness and environment.
It’s crap. So stop it!

Take care, and drive safely,
A.

Beating the virtual (pt.4)

reallyReally YouTube?

Really?

It isn’t enough that I am tormented with advertising to the right side of many videos, it isn’t enough that I have to click away a banner °inside° the video(frame), it isn’t enough that the advertising sluts are wiping their filthy asses with valuable seconds of my life BEFORE a video starts – NO.

Now I am getting a suggestion (!) for an ADVERTISMENT in my channelfeed and suggestion section.

Really?
Everywhere I turn I get advertising in my face. “Buy this toiletbowl scrubber it’ll improve your sexlife.” – really? “Yes really!”
You see, the advertising cretins are selling E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G with sex. I never understood the connection between a coffeemachine and a sexy female.
Having a new coffeemachine  didn’t ever help me getting any. (Yes such a series of ads were running here in Austria and Germany back in the late 80s and early 90s)
Shut up, sod off and die.

There so much crap being tossed at you in these advertisements – which proves that we decended from monkeys, we’re still a large group of feces flinging apes.

20 somthing woman: “Mom, I have a problem, I am constipated, do you know that feeling?”
No sweetie, she doesn’t. What you don’t know is that your mom had died giving birth to you and was replaced by an android, and an android has no idea what constipation feels like…OF COURSE SHE DOES! Cut the crap and go for the truth: “Mom I have constipation, any suggestions on how to get rid of it?”

The medicinal products, and health supporting products, that are all of a sudden popping (or pooping) up in the advertising aisle are baffling me. “Do you feel bloated after eating? Eat this Yoghurt and you will feel flattened, and become sexy!” Mentally I insert a loud and long farting sound at that point to illustrate the way it works. “Maaaan I feel stuffed, but this’ll help!” *chums-down-yoghurt* *faaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt* “Better! Bring the second Turkey mum!”

What bothers me the most is the advertisements using sex to sell a product that actually should help you get laid better/faster. “The false eyelash mascara, makes you irresistible.” I got bombarded with an ad on YouTube lately, I skipped it everytime so I have no clue what it is for in the end but it started like “Did you ever wonder why the women you are not interrested in are attracted to you, and the women you are interrested in aren’t?” *skip* – if I need your product or advise for that I shouldn’t be able to reproduce, in that case I think I would’ve forfitted my right to reproduce. Besides, all knowing admachine, I have a wife, we’re having a baby in July. Obviously I did something right.
“Plain hair on tuesday, curly hair on friday – your hair has to endure a lot of stress, the new heat protective …” WHO CARES?? Stop redoing your hair every other day, and while you are working on “Being recognizable” ditch the Flypeople sunglasses.
I hate these: “Hi, it’s me, don’T you recognize me?” Sorry, but I don’t know any flies. These shades cover half your frickin face, and you expect me to recognize you? If it were that simple Batman would’ve been recognized as Bruce Wayne a long time ago!

So YouTube tracks my movement across its site – good. Suggest shit I’d like, thanks.
But, YouTube is part of the google empire, hence YouTube knows, what google knows. I’m a male, I live in Austria, I fancy history, science, science fiction, fantasy, comedy, and more. So why would the suggested, targeted ad I got yesterday be for a feminine hair line product?
If you HAVE to be a pain in the ass, be one that is personalized.
At least gendered.
I certainly don’t need styling for plain hair by L’Oreal Austria!

Another trend in advertising I have noticed is going for the lowest common denominator. People get dumber all the time, dumber and dumber. I remember times when advertising was served with a highbrow, or with details about the product, but eversince the dentists-wives and -daughters said they recommend a certain toothpaste shit got worse. Really? They aren’t dentists, so why would I heed their recommendation? The dentist in question could tell them that they are using shit, and they say “I don’t care, I recommend this quarz-mud toothpaste!” Stupid BS!

The organic lies!
“This stuff is homegrown, ecologic clean conscience, organic food!” – it comes from a major brand, hence it is anything BUT homegrown! George Carlin has written/spoken about this quite a lot, only that the organic bullshit hadn’t been launched fullscale back then. But I completely agree with him on that. You want homegrown, organic food? GROW SOME! And save the seeds asshole. If you need to go and BUY seeds you get fucked over by monsanto and consorts.

Voodoo powder!
My son is a year old and shares everything with his friends.” *kid eats cake hands spoon to friend who eat with it* “But is he safe?” no. The minute the little kid pops out of you, he is in danger. The very minute his existence began actually.
But pumping them full with Voodoo powder milk that should boost his health or what ever is probably making him sick. Your mum stopped breastfeeding you at about 6 months old. Maybe later. Did you survive? If the answer is yes, guess what.
THATS THE WAY TO GO! Your immune system needs to be under attack to build up a defense, thats how most vaccines work. A virus that has been made inactive gets injected into your bloodstream, your immunesystem learns all about it and is capable of defending against it if the real shit came along. Same goes for your kid’s immunesystem. Voodoo powder at best delays the inevitable! Feed the little ones a helathy diet, lots of vitamins, not so much sugar (no artificial sweeteners!) and he’ll be off good. Stop throwing your Voodoo powder down my direction! After all – countless generations have survived wothout it, and the argument it boosts brain development – Alber Einstein had no Voodoo Powder, and became THE Albert Einstein.

Rise and shine.
“Rising cities, here you are the mayor…” *skip* – I don’t care for any of your stupid little browser games, or facebook games. I already touched that topic in pt.1

Rinse and shine – this cleaning lotion gets you over pimples…shut up. That shit dries out your skin, and you will have to get a moisturizer, which cloggs up your pores, which GIVES YOU PIMPLES!
While I’m at the topic of creams and rinses.  “The L’Oreal youthCode, plant stemcells, rejuvenating”… AGE IN DIGNITY! If one more of the old cuntbags shows up on my screen telling me how she still has perfect smooth skin at 70, all because of the freaking cream and wash, I’m gonna kill every beauty surgeon on the planet! Let’s see how she fares then!

Cars to die for.
New cars that only use 4.5 liters of gas per 100 kilometers and have a hybrid engine are being hailed as the new green stuff.
It isn’t. There is nothing green, natural, environment friendly, ecologic or even economic about a fucking car! Get it into your heads folks, these things make you fat, cost money and pollute. ALWAYS.
You want a green car? Take Flinstones mobile or a fully electric one.
One that doesn’t burn stuff, that is green. Now stop trying to sell cars as green and peaceful that are anything BUT!

Furniture for Idiots.
I don’t know wether you my dear readers are tormented with furniture stores advertising like they had a lobotomy, I certainly am, like my fellow Austrians. They have a red couch – barely room enough for two people, costing almost 3.000Euro, now redesigned with goggly eyes and a stuck out tongue, for reasons of insane price days…or a family that originally lived in the store, and I hated them from the start all those years ago. They get sillier, and sillier, noisier, and noisier, and I loathe them. Or a superhero who slashes living cartoon prices in half, and they are happy afterwards – I sometimes ask myself whether the brains behind it have escaped from a uberbrutal S&M ring, or whether they are targeting the people who have been watching too much Tom&Jerry in their childhood. The screaming teenage girl Ikea throws at us lately is just the tip of the iceberg, but it is enough. THrow the little cunt in her room, lock the door, bar the window(s) and let her calm down.

Clothes for naked people.
Yes, you read that correct. But actually it’s naked people making a case for clothes they barely wear. Scantly dressed whores (sorry feminists, but if you look at them in any other way I doubt your vision is clear) and beefed up douchebags (sorry malinists, see above) with open shirts are NOT making a case for your cloths. Yes, cloths, not clothes.
These rugs are barely something to ware but stuff to wipe the floor with. But that is another topic, the ads with naked people for CLOTHES eludes me. I don’t get it. Neither do I understand why women would buy shoes after seeing a skinny chick wear them naked in ads.

I know that some YouTubers make their living with YouTube, and thus with advertising. In all honesty, although I am a fan of some of them, I hope the entire advertising industry crashes into a crisis that will never allow them to resurface.
The Advertising University (!) in austria is making advertising for itself, and I have to say, these are the shittiest ads I have ever seen. And don’t get me started on the lowest of them all – Axe deodorants…

We have billboards at the streets, other forms of advertisements on the streets, ads in papers, ads on webpages – even facebook, ads in Apps, ads on the radio and TV, ads on their own (flyers), ads in the videos as banners, as blocks and as videos. That they now start suggesting ads seems desperate. The bubble has reached critical mass, if you work in advertising I’d suggest to pull out before it bursts.

At least the faces of politicians aren’t staring at me, yet. But we have an election coming up this year…

A.