Posts tagged ‘coffee’

Hot water

A few short years ago Fry & Laurie might have pulled off a sketch taking place in a cafe:
Hugh (as a reporter with a hand microphone): “What do you say to the allegations that you use thermally agitated dihydrogen-monoxide in your drinks?”
Stephen (as wait staff): “No, absolutely not. It is appalling that you would even think so.”
We would’ve laughed, next segment comes on, a vox pop with Stephen in a wig “The problem today is a lack of education. It’s hot water.” more laughter, moving on.

Today, if you confront a “Barista” (a made up job, if you ask me) with the same “allegations”, they would drive on about working “chemical free” using only “organic ingredients for their beverages” blablablaaaa…

Life, it seems, has become satire…

Take from this what you like, laughter, or dead what else these morons influencers don’t know about the world. Something in between.

However.

Take care, A.

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Cooking Pro-Tips II

 For real men there’s no such thing as too much cocoa.

Thirty years later…

 For real men there’s no such thing as too much coffee.

Life ain’t that hard, drinking!

No, not that kind of drinking.
The one that doesn’t involve alcohol.

If you’re like me, then the suggested, supposedly “healthy”, dose of at least 2 liters of water per day is an unbearble summer reading assignment, equal to having to read war and peace over the weekend and write a paper on it.

Look, life ain’t that hard, in order to keep “hydrated” and healthy, just follow this simple guideline:
1. Nature blessed us with a sense that alerts us if we need to drink: THIRST! If you’re thirsty, drink. If not, don’t pump more stuff in. If that results in 0.5 liters a day, that’s fine, your body seems to not need any more.
2. The urban legend of coffee (or caffeinated drink) dehydrating the body keeps getting passed around like a nasty STD. Were it to be true, I would look like a desert mummy from the Andes! I don’t. I’m healthy and alive. So keep drinking it, even to quench your thirst.
3. Once your piss starts to be colourless, stop drinking so much. You’re not a fountain.

There. A concise list on how to drink healthily.

If by any chance you give in to the pressure and give this shit of drinking at least 2 litres of non-alcoholic and non-caffeinated stuff a try, and then someone asks you, after a week, whether you feel any better – piss on them.
That’s the only feeling that I have, since starting this trial run: the urge to pee every fifteen minutes.

Take care,
A.

Life ain’t that hard, Café

Going to a café pught to be a relaxing experience, unless you’re employed there. But of course, there are people, who make this a vivid nightmare with their intolerable behaviour.

It is not that difficult, avoid the following behaviour, to avoid serious consequences:

★If your order takes longer to recite than Edgar Allen Poe’s ‘the Raven’, rethink your life. This is a Café, not the poetry slam.
★In addition, if your order takes longer to prepare than to grow fraking coffee, kill yourself. I need caffeeine.
Now.
★Togo is an African country with 6.8 million people in it. Let’s leave it at that. Coffee “to go” is a “no go”. If you want coffee to go, you don’t need more caffeine or sugar, but THC to slow you the frak back down! Maybe a coffeehouse in Amsterdam is more right for you?
★If you want to get work done, (and can’t at home or the office for some reason) fine. Go find yourself a secluded room, or niche, somewhere, but if you’re sitting in the center of the main serving room, with your laptops or tablets, then you’re posing, you want to be seen (and talked to). But you’re NOT working.
★Apple products are for posers. Get a real computer. You sit there with an apple product, I know you’re just posing, not ‘creating’. I am at liberty to bludgeon you with your iShit until my arms get sore.
★Art discussions of ALL sorts belong to either a themed establishment, or a museum. You’re pretentious cunts. STFU.
★Gluten-, Lactose-, Sugarfree, Vegan… You have any (or worse, all) of this, then you will be disembowled with a wooden cooking spoon, right there at your table, streamed live with your iCrap!
★You have a manbun, and are not a Japanese man from the middle ages (or an actor currently portraying one) – better be Mokiki, or your head will be shaved clean after I have beaten you unconscious with your iDreck. Keep that repulsive ugly eyesore away from the public, you filthy creep.
★Decaff. Better make that decap, as in decapitated! You want coffee without the thing that makes coffee the magic stuff, you are not deserving of coffee. You are deserving of water. Stale water. But coffee without caffeine is like fun, without enjoyment. If you’re saying that you can’t drink caffeine this late and find sleep – go, sleep. Return in the morning. When you can appreciate the taste AND the caffeine, you pathetic, weak, whimp! You want coffee, or you don’t. But you can’t have coffee that isn’t coffee.
★Alcoholfree Beer. Listen, if you feel the need to drink stale piss, there are places these wishes can (and will) be granted. But please, do not drink this waste-sludge vapor where I can see it, or else that bottle will be used to beat and cut you.
★You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss….but dry humping is a felony, get out. Making out in public, no. It’s cute that you love (or at least desire) each other, but no one actually likes seeing that. Those who say they do, lie. So, again, kissing is okay, anything more than kissing (up to and including actual intercourse) is not okay. Get a room.
★Tipping is not a town in China. Why does this even need to be said this day and age? Tip, your fraking, waiter/waitress. Period.
★As always, keep your gods away from the public. (You fast? Stay home. Prayer time? Stay home. Need to make sacrifice? Stay home. Your clergy/faith doesn’t like what is served/done there? Stay home. etc.)

In conclusion, as always when writing behavioural guidelines for the semi public, just don’t act like a douche. Be a human being, act like Star Trek was reality (as in: BE KIND), and don’t make life harder than it actually is.

Take care,
A.

Coffee Break

image

A small lunchtime coffee. Just two mugs… 😉

Life ain’t that hard, stuff-free stuff

Short and simple this time.

-If you can’t process lactose, stay the frak away from milk. Leave milk alone, use soy juice or coconut juice, and don’t you dare call any of it “milk”.
-If you can’t handle gluten, don’t eat it, but don’t substract gluten from stuff.
-The same goes for low-carb! Don’t eat carbohydrates if you don’t wanna, but leave them where they belong.
-If you need to drive, don’t drink. If you order an alcohol free beer – you better get drunk instead.
-If you don’t want to ingest sugar, fracking don’t. Live with the health conscious choice you made and do not use other stuff for substitute.
-Same for vegans. Conscious choice, deal with it. But don’t play with your soypaste and build yourself a fake steak. You want a sausage, either have sex, or get a real one.
-You want coffee? Drink coffee. You don’t want caffeine? Don’t drink coffee. The end.

In even shorter form: Can’t, or don’t want to, handle it? Live with it.

Stop over-complicating things. Stop cluttering the world with your filthy useless garbage! Otherwise we will soon have joyless joy, sexfree sex and playfree playtime.
Life ain’t that hard, stop taking things out of stuff where they belong in.

Take care,
A.

Observations 170415

On recent stop with the family in a Café I made an observation.

People who sit there with their notebooks or tablets, and “write” or “work”, are actually sitting there to be seen.
They’re not writing/working. They are presenting themselves.

If you are in an inspirational flow, in my experience, you couldn’t care less for your actual surroundings. You do not go and seek out a Café to get your work done.
Perhaps it wouldn’t disturb you if you were “in the zone” and the cluttering, muttering and other noisy air around you buzzing with distraction.
But generally – nope. Just there to be seen.

Another sickening symptom of our ill fated times. Instead of writing great novels, plays, poetry, or getting that presentation done, people prefer to sit in one of the noisiest surroundings imaginable, to be seen.

I weep for all that ill guided creativity flushed down the drain of modern pop culturual, self delusional, narcissism.

Written, as usual, on the subway. Inspired by 15 minutes sitting in a café, annoyed by the cluttering, muttering, mumbling, humming, faint echo music playing, steaming, knocking, mess that is a Café (which includes Starfbucks on this one occasion)
A.