Posts tagged ‘cold’

Crappy Birthday in September

​http://www.smartbe.co/

Introducing Smartbe, the smart stroller for dumb people who shouldn’t have children, let alone be left alone with them.

This thing can be controlled via app, on your “I’m-a-certified-moron”-watch or your smart phone. It then will follow your every move, always staying a certain distance away from you, so you can jog (an activity for idiots, especially on paved ground), or take calls and stroll around like a squirrel on speed (always shadowed by that stroller which is creepy), hunt down, mercilessly attack and catch imaginary critters in the park, or just walk without touching the darn thing – god forbid, you could form an emotional bond with the small entity inside (hey you handsfree-bimbo, now you can reacher over and “touch” ME!)

The fondle-a-stranger-friendly distance to stroller and child, the emotional cold so to say, is continued in other features of this space age stroller: 

¤In case you are so distanced to your parasitic offspring that you walk away from the stroller/pram with the baby inside, you can get an alarm, on your phone! I’m sure it will not be tripped by the twenty people who check if the child is alright while you let some dude ‘plow your fields’ around the next bush. 

¤Your child might be chilly or exposed to too much wind/sun? No problem, just close the canopy on the little fucker from the app, no need to get too close!

¤Curious how your child is doing? Forget bending over and looking, you might catch a whiff of those nasty baby smells, just look at your brat through the camera! Best part, your child won’t ever even know you just looked at it – it will remain frightened, crying and desperate for some warm human interaction. 

I must admit, the seatheater and the bottle warmer are innovative ideas for a pram, but the rest?

Look people, life ain’t that hard: if you have kids your pre-child activities are restricted, or put on hold for a few years. You wanna jog or fondle strangers in the park? Do it while your partner has the kid, or a nanny, or a grandmother (they usually beat other people to spend time with their grandchildren). 

But, do not take them with. 

Especially in a fucking pram that is (will be) presumably powered by the same kind of Lithium Ion batteries that lit up a few “hoverboards”. 

There are easier, less idiotic and cheaper ways to kill your baby. Or give it up for adoption.

Or better yet – do not have a child, your genes deserve no chance of being passed on.

Crappy Birthday.

T minus 10

Vaccuming, crapping, nail clipping...“Do IT with passion” any more emphasis on the word “it” and Tim Curry should be worried.

But what exactly should we do with passion, as instructed by this panel? Vaccuming? Crapping? Toenail clipping?

WHAT?! Tell me!

The answer is … “it”.

Goes nicely if you have take out from MacDonald’s with you. “I’m lovin’ it” is a similar stupid slogan. But at least it isn’t one printed on a panel that people put into their homes. Fopr Frak’s sake, people who get this for their home either are a bit lame in life that they have to be reminded by a panel to show some passion in life, or they have friends (and family?) who think they are as cold as a fish, and thus need this nice little reminder.

Give IT with passion, to someone you truly want to offend.

Sunrise

Light oozing over the horizon, starting to light clouds, mountaintops – skyscrapers – long before the first warming rays reach the ground, to replace the haunting cold fogs of night.

Advocates of the dawning day, singing outside the window in the old birch, the dog rose, the old willow – turbulent mixture of songs, cried and carried away by time and space, winds telling of songs sung long past and only now.

Mornings.

Mornings!(?)

How I sometimes loathe mornings.

No longer safely cradled in night’s secure embrace, the pale mono-bosom up there in the sky, round, pale, full of night’s tales – no longer nursing the mind, chased away by morning’s warm and gentle, brightly lit embrace; now there is only room for softly lit, warmed but not warm – reality.

How I sometimes loathe mornings…

Global Warm my ass….please?

You know Odin promised he’d rid of the ice giants. This icy cold tells me he stopped helping us…

For real, I’m not one of the ignorant deniers. I’m not going to say that climate change isn’t happening because god/s won’t let it happen. Or because it always got hotter and colder in the past.

But I’m saying that global WARMING is bullshit!

Why would I say this as an educated, non ignorant person of 21st century central Europe?
Hang on.

After the longest, coldest and darkest winter in several decades here in Europe, I soaked up every bit of sunshine and warm temperatures, only to be thrown into a second coming of winter just now.

In early October 2012 I got my leather jacket from the closet. Put it on in the morning, took it off at work, put it on when going home, and took it off when there.
So for October, November, December, January, February, March and a bit of April I wore my jacket. Don’t get me wrong, I love my leather jacket. But after wearing it for more than six months, I’m sick and tired of it!

BUT, it’s colder now than it was on Christmas eve!
For crying out loud, I took the friggin’ leather jacket out of the closet!
It should remain in there until mid October. Temperatures in the next few days are said to remain cold. It’s the end of May, and I’m running around in my winter apparel! END OF MAY!
For the love of Odin!

Here’s why I think that global WARMING is a pile of bovine excrements: If the Golf of Mexico, that is warming Europe with warm water and air, should stop flowing – likely to happen if the temperature and salinity in it gets changed too much due to warmer temperatures melting ice into it – average temperatures in Europe would DROP by about 5° centigrade. So the global WARMING thingy is just utter crap, at least to me.
Global climate change on the other hand…

Take care,
A.