Posts tagged ‘comedic’

Mother’s day 2017

Been to a gift shop, found these “innocent” party masks. 

I have seen that movie. Those three are going to have their way with a woman in an all night ravaging orgy. 

So, there’s a gift idea for this Sunday’s mother’s day 2017: If you don’t know mommies three “best friends”, just give her these masks, she’ll make good use of them. 

Crappy Mother’s day, and if you get a new sibling in February, and your mommy calls them an animal name like rabbit, deer or teddy/bear – you’ll know more than you ever wanted…

Tales from the renovation part 2

After the walls had been drenched, and the floor had been soaked, the furst step had been to dry them.
Slashing the walls, drilling holes into the floor.

I wish they’d let me do the slashing and the drilling. You know, get some of that pent up anger out.

So, insurance pays new paint, new floorboards.

Renovation time, baby!

Since getting that part of the den painted and refurbished seemed like as good a time as any to actually re ew the furniture too, so you can store more crap, we decided to actually do that.

Furniture store.
This, I had to find out, might actually be that first stage of prehell horror and torment that religitards always rave on about.
“Here look at this beautiful furniture you can’t possibly afford!” Or “Look at this totally stylish, up to date, modern way of making a room … SEEM LIKE IT WAS DIGEST, SHAT OUT JUST TO BE HAMMERED IN SHAPE BY A LUNATIC WITH A RUBBER HAMMER …in your price category.”

And then of course, our little odyssey.

We went, we saw and we STILL are fighting. No vici this time. Not yet.

On the 14th we went to the furniture store and fell in love with these small closets.
We ordered them, together with a really neat wardrobe.
On the 26th we got a call that one of the closets we order, wasn’t available any more.

???

How, HOW on earth can we *buy* something that they do not have anymore? Or let me rephrase that, HOW can they SELL anything that they do not have???
I could understand if they couldn’t get that, and told us about the unavailability when we wanted to make the purchase. But twelve days LATER???

No worries though, they organised a showroom piece for us, at the great discount of 10 bucks.
It is in (paraphrasing) “best condition”.

So we went to pick up the packaged up pieces – which this furniture store couldn’t at all tell us how big they’d be, a feat that IKEA even puts on their website – luckily we could fit them in our car, them we went to pick up the prime condition showroom piece.

At first the showroom employee thought they had reserved the one with the kicked in door, and then it turned out the one we ACTUALLY had reserved was also damaged.
No purchase.
Keep that thing, and …. why on earth did they put a damaged showroom piece of a no-longer available closet BACK in the showroom?
Are they going to scam a few people out their money???

Anyway. As we try to rectify thst situation we got the walls finally painted and the floor renewed.
After they tore out the floor boards the PVC floor the forst tenants of this apartment had installed came back to the light of day.
The most 80s, vulgar, neon, trash design I have ever laid eyes upon. Just knowing that this is oit there underneath the new fkoorboards causes me to sweat in panic.
The most irritating fact is that someone WILLINGLY chose this. If I get up, on a daily basis, see this, I’d have to take cocaine. Upon coming home, again, cocaine!
But hey, it was the 80s.

Until a possible part 3, take care,
A.

Tales from the renovation part 1

In case I had neglected to blog about this*, here the backstory to the renovation:

In December 2016, on the 18th to be exact, a waterpipe broke, and we had to call a plumber, who then arrived shortly on the 19th. Hey, it was a Sunday.
He mended the broken pipe, but said that due to the wet wall, he couldn’t reattach the bathroom tile, until the wall was dry, he then also neglected to reinstall the faucet behind which the waterpipe had burst.
In case you were wondering, yes, it was the shower faucet.
For the next two weeks we had to ride the elevator downstairs, trek through the basement, access the common showers in the sauna.
At least our apartment building HAS a sauna with showers! Otherwise, we would’ve been screwed!

On the 23rd I noticed that the wall on the other side of the bathroom looked wet.
It was.
Soon we found dark spots that looked like mold.
It was.
Thankfully we got help soon, in small spart from the landlord (whose insurance pays for the whole ordeal anyway). Mold killed by 30%H2O2, and the noisiest machines I had ever had the honor to see inside and apartment got put up.

We had to do it little house on the prairie style, and bunk up in the living room, because the blow dryer was innthe bedroom, hoses were lying around as if they wanted to fuel the fucking space shuttle!
Two drying machines facing the walls (and the heaters with heat sensitive meters on it for payment!) rumbled on through night and day.

No wolverines were harmed in the drying of these walls.

Then the garish nightmare machines got evicted, one by one, as the walls grew drier and drier again.
At that point we had the luxury of our own shower back. That had taken some fourteen days. The driers, those had been a constant noise in our apartment after that, and for some six weeks in total.

So we began our ascend back to civilisation of the 21st century, by trading the mattresses on the floor for our bed, and trading a living+bed-room for separated rooms.
Woohoo!

Continued in part 2.

*Yes, it is my blog, and still I am too lazy to check, plus, I just don’t give a shit. I’m human, deal with it.

What in the blazes?

I need to share this with you bcause if I wouldn’t, my wife would find me tomorrow with my head caved in, eyes rolled into the back of my skull, my brain, in attmept to flee these thoughts, is then dangling out of my nose, and all because of this shit!

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《 Oh the wondrous discoveries of grocery shopping. (f.l.t.r.: apricot-dumpling JUICE, applestrudle JUICE, basil seeds drink [rosepedal-cherry flavor], chia seeds drink [lime-ginger “flavor”])》

What is this stuff used for? Summoning demons in some weird vegan witch circle?
Is it used to mind control people, some weird MK Ultra?
Did they really mix/press/mush chia/basil seeds?
Why?
Does this attract aliens? Or repel sasquatsh?

Did they honestly cook apricot dumplings, throw them in a power juicer and filled the result in bottles? Same with applestrudle.
Do they want to pump this through the embalmed remains of the emperor in the hopes of raising an applestrudle-vampire? And empress Elisabeth as an apricot-dumpling banshee?
If so, why?

Can it kill Werewolves? Or make the undead accept you as one of their own? Will you be able to communicate with ghosts once you consume all four?
Does this make a cocktail that can cure the common cold? Cancer? Will it make the four (or five) horsemen appear?
Will Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses appear, holding hands wishing for peace on earth, if you pour these four liquids in one spot?

Is this catering to hipsters, or dangerously deranged lunatics who should be put on watch lists if they purchase this? What kind of deranged juicers are considering this? Is this the effect of, and not the cause for, hell opening up?

These four products are the dumbest, most brain-inflammatory, aneurysm inducing things I have seen in a regular supermarket.
Especially stuff that says ‘Superfood’ on it…

Anyhow, thank you letting me share my otherwise lethal brainspasm, induced by illegally stupid crap.

Take care,
A.

Life ain’t that hard, gardening

Having a garden, or sufficiently large balcony to pot some plants, might get you to try your hand at gardening.
But if you listen to the people who do it, it sounds like fraking rocket science. Especially the hippy type characters who run a gardening blog or shit like that.

Life ain’t that hard, it’s simple. Really it is, plants have been on land longer than any animal has, so that shit knows how to propagate, right?

Step 1 – take your seed or seedling that you obtained from a trusted source of your discretion, put it in soil. Boom. Finished.
Step 2 – care for it like you would a pet. Give it some daylight (you’ll either figure it out how much, or have just one option on your balcony), plenty of water (don’t drown it, don’t dry it up) and
Step 3 – feed it. Yes, feed it. Fertiliser! Either purchase some of your choosing, or make your own (kitchen scraps, anything that decomposes but if you are smell aware, don’t use meat, diary products or the like. Plants are essentially cannibals.)
Step 4 – Plants. Reap your harvest, or enjoy your pretty flowers, what have you.
Step 5 – Rinse and Repeat. Unless you have perennials.

There, saved you a ton of browsing through the internet and getting confused by the Hippies. If anyone tries to shove shit down your pipe about gardening, referr them to this list.
Consise, and true.

PS:
Step 6 (throw it in there somewhere) – Pest control. Unless you are running a farm, trie and use natural pest control. ladybugs eat mites. Salt kills and deterrs snails. And so on. Don’t whip out the “nukes” unless you make a living off of your gardening.

Have fun,
A.

Mommy blogs!

Or joint parent blogs.

I have never indulged in the activity of reading these insipid, driveling wastes of insignificantly minute storage space on the net.
First off, I’m not the target audience – a mom, and secondly these blogs almost never have any value.

You’re not gaining some new insight on how to “parent”, that you didn’t get from being one, or having one. There is not enough substance to these vapid excuses of brain leakage, that would permit wasting time on reading them. Or just one.
Same goes for 99% of these so called “parenting magazines”, with articles so empty you are left to wonder why these sniffling shits aren’t writing speeches for politicians.
If it weren’t for product testing – including lab tests for hazardous materials – these magazines would be worth less than ink and paper, separately, used to make this glossy kindling.
I digress.

Mommy (b)logs are used by the mommy bloggers to make the simplest most mundane task look like a deed more heroic than the deeds of all Marvel and DC superheroes combined.
Mommy dearest breastfeeds her baby despite it being four and will continue to do so, until the kid enrolls in college. She carries the child in a sling, although her shoulders are bleeding, claiming “her indigo crystal child needs the intimacy, closeness and prolonged bonding,” although the brat is clearly old enough to fracking walk, or even go on prolonged hikes.
Great job.

Vegan, gluten-, lactose-, sugar-, and fat-free is an added “burden”, because it creates a (selfimposed) martyrdom to raise a child this way, with relatives and friends and doctors(!) telling them that it is absolute BS.

Adding to that, they hallow their “parenting” (and thus themselves) even more, if they are absolute nutjobs who think science and medicine are evil and thus they raise desease ridden, virii spreading little snotballs who run from vaccines and pills like they stole something.
But hey, they raise kids who are “all natural”. (Despite humans being omnivores, not herbivores, and our very existence outside of Africa is unnatural, but that’s not the issue here.)

That’s another staple of mommy bloggers.
The absolute glorification of the natural, and nature, ignoring the cold, logical, harsh and mindblowing truth that EVERYTHING is perfectly natural, unless some shit comes oozing into this universe through some rift in the space-time continuum.

But these narcissistic, ego driven, professional parents and breeders probably have lactated away all the brain cells necessary for rational and coherent thought, thats why all these blogs (or magazines) are shallow, pitifully dumb, meaningless drivel. People who read or write mommy blogs are people who have picture frames with the words “Friends”, “Family” and especially “Selfies” at home. For this is just another of the “Give me attention, because I am” cases, like the Selfie-people .

If you ever happen to strand on a Mommyblog, take it for what it is, snot. If you stare at the screen for too long thinking that a deeper meaning would peel out of this mindless conglomeration of letters and words, your eyes will roll back in your skull and they will find you, once your bills go unpaid, as a half rotten corpse in front of a computer that burned down in self pity.

Take care, and don’t read mommy blogs, they are an insult on the very words making them up (“mommy” and “blog”), as sell as an insult to anyone thinking.
A.

Crappy Easter 4/4

Nothing says resurrection of Christ, quite like a bunny shaped pillow and a stoned plushie.
Nothing.

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Because the death and resurrection of story of this Jesus dude, would be nothing without the integral parts of drug addicted rodents that multiply faster than a virus in an unvaccinated child.
Really.
It’s there, look it up.

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Until next time,
Take care, keep shopping, and good bye.
A.