Posts tagged ‘comedy’

Crappy Birthday in August 2017

Got that detestable garbage human Hipster scum in your circle of acquaintances?

Their birthday is coming up?

PERFECT!

These revolting socks are the perfect gift, for a perfect asshole. They will surely like it, because it is before they are cool, because they’ll never be cool. And these socks a shining (or screamingly loud) warning beacon. 

Warn others. Gift these socks.

Crappy Birthday.
A.

More irritating food stuff…

After all the other vile garbage (the ingredients to summon the vegan Demon of bad taste for example), I found the next questionable item to go with it. 

It is literally called “Test of courage”: 

A chocolate bar with enough Scoville to be allowed only from the age of sixteen up.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have my fill of tear jerking spiciness the old fashioned way:

Crappy Birthday in July

Imagine the “majestic” flamingo, perched on a pedestal of guano, one foot dangling to the ground. 


That wonderful hideousness can be yours to drive relatives and acquaintances over the edge for the lo lo price of 2.95€. Cheese factor is over 9000.

Crappy Birthday, A.

A surprise egg!!!

Oh boy! I am letting out my inner child by buying this. I loved kinder surprise eggs as a kid. I’m a nerd. This will no doubt be a shitty toy, but it will still be epic!!!

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. The suspense is kiiiilling meeeee!!!!

Here we see tangible disappointment in the shape of a FUCKING ERASER!!!

If I were still a kid I’d be having a massive tantrum right now. Any child finding this inside their Star Wars surprise egg would be choking back tears of disappointment, broken dreams while munching on cheap chocolate. Maybe it skips well across the lake when tossed at the right angle and speed…

What is this supposed to be? Preparation for life? Cheap chocolate, suspense, disappointment. Not ONE parent will buy a second one of these. I won’t. I’m 35 and I even felt cheated and deeply disappointed. 

They should make Game of Thrones surprise eggs, containing the severed heads of the cast, with a small amount of fake blood in them for maximum gore and “fun”…

Whoever made this shit a reality should be forced to watch one thousand kids opening these fuckers. 

Take care, A.

Crappy Birthday in June

Know a smoker? Hate the living crap out of that fucker? Want to gift him/her with the worst curse from Pandora’s box – false hope?


Lucky you! 

This cigarette case, with the hopeful message of survival, whilst containing suicide in small doses, is the perfect gift for this occasion. 
Crappy birthday,

A.

People are obnoxiously dumb (n-th part)

Last week we had seen the garden expo. Part of it at least. 

Later my wife wanted to leave a review of the place on their Facebook page. Where she found a review from some woman that had visited the same day. 

Don’t try to find the post, it has since been deleted. (But we have screenshots)

A little context before I paraphrase. Here (as probably all over the northern hemisphere) cottonwood blossoms right about this time of year, releasing their seeds into the wind – hundreds of thousands of little woolly drifters floating with every gust of wind, covering grass, shrubs and playground. My primary school’s yard had these fuckers sitting right behind it, so I am accustomed to this stuff. 

This lady gave a 4 star review, subtracting one star because of these cottonwood floaters. Arguing in the discussion my wife started with her that it is an absolute horror for allergics visiting the garden expo. 

Let that reason sink in for a moment.

Cottonwood floaters are a nightmare for allergics visiting the GARDEN EXPO.

I am an allergic. When I said “Yes, let’s go to the garden expo” I anticipated that I will be suffering.
A lot of the shit on display is BLOOMING. If you are an allergic and you’re surprised that the garden expo, at the end of May, is giving you a hard time without your antihistamines – how are you still alive?

These are the same people who bitch about a sea cruise that when they looked out the window, they only saw the ocean, AND that they got seasick.

Just thought I’d share this little gem of idiocy with you.

Take care,
A.

Mother’s day 2017

Been to a gift shop, found these “innocent” party masks. 

I have seen that movie. Those three are going to have their way with a woman in an all night ravaging orgy. 

So, there’s a gift idea for this Sunday’s mother’s day 2017: If you don’t know mommies three “best friends”, just give her these masks, she’ll make good use of them. 

Crappy Mother’s day, and if you get a new sibling in February, and your mommy calls them an animal name like rabbit, deer or teddy/bear – you’ll know more than you ever wanted…