Posts tagged ‘deer’

Raw Water

The newest fad from the “wholesome”* crowd.
In short it is untreated water.
The chief lunatic behind this looks like he is in bed with the headspace idiot – both metaphorically and literally. How many people have died from dysentery and cholera from untreated “clean looking” water since the turn of the millennium alone (let’s ignore Oregon trail times)?
What baffles me is, how did we get from “We don’t want untreated water that the deer, bears and forest hermits piss and shit in” to this shit??
How did we get from “We want hospitals with nurses, doctors, clean sheets, vaccines and medicine” to “better chew on some rabbit droppings, drink turpentine and bleach, smear mud on the wound”???
This is your flock of black sheep, political left, these are your people. Reign them in, otherwise the political right wins.

It is cases like this I ask myself why I am burdened with a conscience. I could design neat jugs and sell virgin water – untreated spring water that big titted blond virgins bathed in before it was bottled. Improves your health, increases your attractiveness for women, and your sexual stamina for men.

I’d be rich.
Filthy rich.
Excuse me.
I have to draft a few things and apply for a loan…
Take care, A.
*bat shit crazy, without insulting bats, feces our people no longer in possession of their faculties

Odd encounters

So I was going to relieve myself in this restaurant’s loo. 

Standing there ready to do what I came there to do, I feel the empty, judgmental gaze of a hollow eyed skull, weighing down heavy on me.

Above each of the three urinals hangs a deer skull, staring down, empty, hollow and filled with both dust and disgust. 

It had died, so it could watch you pee, for all eternity. The ultimate, and may I say, deserving, fate for an animal that doesn’t run when a car is speeding towards it.

May the lord have mercy upon their oh…he won’t.
Take care, A.

T minus 6

Pervert!“Who’s peeking through the window there?”

It’s a creature from the depths of Satans Santas rejected toys dungeon.

You all know the routine, if there is someone outside your window, peeping in – shoot to kill. A load of birdshot to the face and NIels will never be the same.
IF you mount him on a streetside window, on groundlevel, facing OUTWARDS, it looks as if he’s trying to prey on little kids passing by. If you have an elemantary school in your area, this is the perfect piece for you. If you know someone who’m you suspect has an “Uncle Touchy’s naked puzzle basement”, give them this piece of Santas feces for christmas.

T minus 7

Bash it in!Door knocker “Deer”.

“With this nostalig door knocker, your guests can make themselves heard in style.”

In style for a hunting party of rabbid dogs.

You want to scare the living Jesus out of the Jehovas Witnesses always coming to your door on Sunday’s around 6am? Have this door knocker!
Give this as a present to anyone you want to have on your enemy list. Unless you are reating a “Thaddeus Quincy Cockburn” tribute mansion, please refrain from purchasing this. Ideal gift for the ex after a devastatingly dirty divorce…

T minus 8

Dinner!Peaceful Forest Idyl

Indoor and Outdoor use.

For all of the people who have never left the concrete jungle, we bring you these pieces of PVC nature, to admire in the entry hall of inner-city parlour, with view on the helicopter landing pad.

IF you DO have a garden, and you DO see nature, I know of no reason why you’d want this. Deer are a hassle if you have a garden. They trample your flowers, eat your fruit and vegetables. Least you want to do is attrackt more of these creatures by putting up their cadboard comrades here.

If I should ever come upon a home with these in it, or the garden adjaconed to it, I’ll take a dump at the rear end of one of these creatures. If anyone asks, the deer did it…ideal gift for people who admire shit in their livingroom!