Posts tagged ‘defecation’

Crappy Birthday in August 2017

Got that detestable garbage human Hipster scum in your circle of acquaintances?

Their birthday is coming up?

PERFECT!

These revolting socks are the perfect gift, for a perfect asshole. They will surely like it, because it is before they are cool, because they’ll never be cool. And these socks a shining (or screamingly loud) warning beacon. 

Warn others. Gift these socks.

Crappy Birthday.
A.

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Life ain’t that hard, (public) toilets.

Problems with public toilets have been a reoccurring theme in our society.

As usual I am here to help!

It is simple:
•Excrete your feces into the bowl and leave them there.
•Urinate into the bowl, or the Urinal. Unsteady stream? Sit down.
•Wiping is done utilising toilet paper, not bare hands, socks or other things.
•Regurgitate directly into the bowl if possible.
•Ejaculate into a piece of toilet paper, nowhere else, if you are alone, that is.
•Bleeding, change your tampon, or call an ambulance, but don’t bleed freely everywhere.
•Flush. No, seriously, FLUSH!
•This is a no smoking area, there’s  methane in the air!
•Shooting yourself up with drugs is never good, but particularly bad here.

Print this out if you need or want to.

One last word of advice:
Feces, Urine, Vomit, Semen, Blood – none of these are an accepted source for painting the stall and ceiling over with. If you have uncontrollable artistic urges, bring a sharpie.
If you want to experiment with your fetishes, do it at home or a close friend’s house. Really close.

Life ain’t that hard, see?

Take care,
A.

Crappy Birthday in September

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This is the perfect gift for people who overcomplicate everything, including and especially taking a dump.

If your victimfriend likes the feeling of warm toilet seats (aka touching asses) and has to crap in a badly heated glass box so a feet warmer and discreet panel illumination are just their thing, and they like to s(h)it for hours on the bog listening to music, getting their buttholes (or in case of female friends, their vaginas) massaged by an oscillating/pulsating bidet stream – go for it.

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6,650.00$ is a price readily paid to give someone you hatelove the displeasure of this square-ish toilet.

Just ask in advance if the bog is e-mailing or twittering the times and durations, as well as chosen bidet programs for each individual user. The world has, after all, a right to know.

Have a crappy birthday, quite literally,
A.

Passive aggressive Kitty

Someome, somewhere, harbours a hatred for Hello Kitty with a ferocity of a pschotic maniac, yet the restraints of intellect like any civilised person.

That person obviously is in charge of handling the licensing of Hello Kitty products.

How do I know? Well, some time ago I stumbled upon this item here.
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Hello Kitty Babypowder scented kitty litter, although Hello Kitty isn’t a cat, someone gave the license away so real felines can defecate in it.

Odd, slightly annoying and certainly not for real cats, despite the claims on the box.
But at that point in time, okay.

Then I came upon this.
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Hello Kitty toilet paper.

So real people could wipe the remains of feces away with it.

The passive aggressive hatred towards Hello Kitty that is displayed with these two products (especially in combination), speaks volumes after volumes.

My question is, who on this earth (or in that company) is dumb enough to let the one individual on the planet that hates Hello Kitty that much, handle the licensing?
Whats next?
Hello Kitty – Laxatives?
Hello Kitty – Portable Toilets?
Hello Kitty – Nuclear Missiles?

In any case, I’m looking forward to more of these insane products. Keep your eyes open for the Crappy Birthdays.

Take care,
A.