Posts tagged ‘douche’


Imagine you’re walking a street – any innocuous urban street – and about two meters in front of you walk two guys.
In the olden times they’re regular old smokers. They smoke as they walk. You would’ve gotten a whiff of their smoke and to a degree you could even tell the brand. At least whether they’re smoking cheap or expensive tobacco.
These days, they vape. As they walk. You get a cloud of scented shit in your face. The artificial chemical approximation of ‘apple’, or ‘vanilla’, or something else that it doesn’t smell like.
We get it.
You vape.
It’s hip these days. But here’s a suggestion to all you vapers out there: grow a lung and either smoke like everyone else, or don’t smoke like everyone else.
But this steam bullshit ain’t going to cut it.
Research showed it is just as chock full of poison as traditional smoking, and you look like a colossal dipshit doing it.
The clouds you leave behind smell like a unicorn fucked a potpourri turned into vapor.
This is vegan sausage all over again.
Either you want to be a vegan, OR you eat sausage. Either you smoke, OR you don’t.
Decide. But don’t try to dance on both weddings at the same time, ruining the fun for everyone.
Take care,

Life ain’t that hard: Get outta the line!


You know how some people make the checkout line in the grocery store a real nightmare?
No, not the lady with the dead eyes and three or more screaming spawns around her.
I’m talking about the douchebags who pay for EVERYTHING with their card.
“2.99 € Sir.”
“Card.” Cashier has to press extra buttons, wasting a solide second or two. Douche inserts card, waits, types pin, presses Ok, waits, bill is printed, take the card. (Not including those who insert the card the wrong way, mistype their pin, etc.)
Now compare that to this: “2. 99 € Sir.” Gives cashier money, gets change.
At what point did we say “Fuck cash, I want to pay with my card. Even if it is just 2.99!”? You’re still getting mugged, so shut up about your safety or security argument!

Then there are the “holders” in the checkout line.
Holy shit I despise these numbskulls! They come with a cart FILLED to the top with stuff, and do they work efficiently to put that shit on the conveyor belt and after scanning, back in their cart?
Because they have to hold their wallet!
These people approach the checkout line, take their wallet out from their bag (and it IS a bag) and THEN they start offloading with ONE hand.
Why only one?
Because they don’t have a normal wallet, which you could balance between index finger and thumb, leaving you with three free fingers. Oh no, not these twatfaces! They have a Waiter’s wallet! A bazillion coupon cards, old receipts, one or two bills, one kilogram of copper coins, 3 € in bigger coins and that bitch fills your hand, weighing a ton!
Cashier scans items, they load them back in their cart with one hand, or in a shopping bag, and only after they’re done transferring their goods, they look back at the cashier who wants to stab them repeatedly with a rust, blunt butterknife, becauses/he has been waiting for a solid minute, minute and a half. Cashier has to repeat: “That’ll be 299,99€.”
If you’re lucky the holder pays and leaves, FINALLY!
If you’re unlucky you’ll hear one, or all of these: “I have a coupon!” “I’m a member! *takes card out*” “Paying with my card. *takes out bankcard/creditcard*”

Don’t worry, as usual in these posts, I have a solution ready!
One for the card douchebags, it has ONLY a cardreader, no cash. If you only have cash, you’re the idiot and need to get out of the line!
One for the holders, with a HUUUUUGE cnveyor belt.
One for normal people. Cash, card only accepted starting with 50+€, if you hold your waiter-wallet while unloading and loading, the cashier and other customers have the right to either smack it out of your hand, and/or scream at you “GET OUTTA THE LINE!” on top oif their lungs.

There. Fixed (y)our shopping nightmare.

Stuff 8th August 2013

Just to keep you folks up to date, I am done with the fourth part of Finns (see here for details) and now I’m taking a break. As things are right now there will be no “Journals of the Hexagon”, at least not now. The grand finale is looming ahead and gruesome battles and wars await, so I guess after my “break” I’ll jump into that. The soonest I will pick up again will be on Monday, leaving my mind enough time to wind down. AND to allow me for reading.

Currently on the menue, Game of Thrones! Finally coming around to read it, can’t wait for the point in time when I have read them all and finally can watch the TV show and bitch about how it strays away from the books… :Þ (Yes, I like to do that, did it with hannibal in reverse Movie first, then book, and still loved the book far more)

So this is the end, huh? Today the heatwave is said to have it’s grand finale with a bang….or rather a loud muffled sigh. 40°C would be a new record high in this country.
Although I love heat, it stopped being fun a week ago or so. A long persitant heatwave like this is not fun anymore. For weeks on end I’m encrusted with a thin salt layer, still moist and anything but stiff, but a crust nonetheless – I am fed with it by now. Bring on a little rain, thunderstorms, WIND!
A turkish explorer/traveler from medival times refered to my hometown as “the city of winds” as there’s ALWAYS a wind blowing though the valleys. We live in fracking swamp! Or at least what once in roman times WAS a swamp. There IS a lot of wind here. Not recently.
I’m surprised though, no global warming slogans all around me? Really? This is the perfect opportunity!
Oh wait, let me guess – the protesters are too hot and have retreated to indoors where the AC cools them down.

Douchebag alert!
I saw a man two days ago in the subway. The amount of hipster-douchebag was over 9000!!! The thick glasses, ridiculous hairdo and shitty clothes gave him away as a hipster right away – but that is something you can change if need be. Styles come and go, and you grow out of a certain apparel (my son grew pout of the first apparel just yesterday), you mature and you change.- If you DON’T change you stagnate, and that is as good as withered and dead on a mental level.
BUT! This idiot had a tatoo on his arm that made me remember him!
A cube. A fracking cube!!!
All the edges of that cube – like you draw in geometry class – and no sides/walls to it. This thing is almost forever etched into his skin! Forever branded as a douché! Good job idiot.
BTW: Why do women dislike sex with a hipster? He came before it was cool…. *badum tss*

And because of the long post, here’s a sunrise to make up for it:

Amok egoism…

… I may not be Mr. Considerate myself, but I have gotten a reasonable amount of social competence from my mother, enough as to not being a tital prick.

Why am I writing this? At the time I write these lines, I was standing in a train, happily typing away on part four of act 3 of “Whose World” when the egoism around me, runs me over! First there is this little shit that stood just right in front of the door of the train, people were not able to exit it faster because of him. Just so Shitty McShitpants could get a seat.
Good work asshole!

Then the douchebag “I am important, Motherfucker” shows up and hangs his bag (a travelbag) on the handrail of the cab, so the starway is half blocked. I wished someone had tripped over it and sued that sunshaded prick for damages.

Idiot leaves with his bag, cue intro Twatty O’Twat, also known as the Onioncunt!
It should be prohibited under highprized penalties to enter any public transport with smelly food! Like in this case Onion Pizza. Happily munching away ger pseudo Italian cuisine she positioned her cart like bag – guess where – right, IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING STAIRS!! Later it fell over blocking all of it!

Which reminds me: no cart bags! You aren’t going on a trip? You aren’t shopping? Forget the wheeled bag!
Get a backpack, pack light or heavy, go.
Get a bag, pack light, go.
Get a cart, you better be shopping!

You know how irked I gotta be to stop writing?

Now if the selfcentered egomaniacs continue to show up in the bus, I’m going to turn violent… (how can people wonder why some people actually go on killingsprees?)