Posts tagged ‘drinking’

Life ain’t that hard, drinking!

No, not that kind of drinking.
The one that doesn’t involve alcohol.

If you’re like me, then the suggested, supposedly “healthy”, dose of at least 2 liters of water per day is an unbearble summer reading assignment, equal to having to read war and peace over the weekend and write a paper on it.

Look, life ain’t that hard, in order to keep “hydrated” and healthy, just follow this simple guideline:
1. Nature blessed us with a sense that alerts us if we need to drink: THIRST! If you’re thirsty, drink. If not, don’t pump more stuff in. If that results in 0.5 liters a day, that’s fine, your body seems to not need any more.
2. The urban legend of coffee (or caffeinated drink) dehydrating the body keeps getting passed around like a nasty STD. Were it to be true, I would look like a desert mummy from the Andes! I don’t. I’m healthy and alive. So keep drinking it, even to quench your thirst.
3. Once your piss starts to be colourless, stop drinking so much. You’re not a fountain.

There. A concise list on how to drink healthily.

If by any chance you give in to the pressure and give this shit of drinking at least 2 litres of non-alcoholic and non-caffeinated stuff a try, and then someone asks you, after a week, whether you feel any better – piss on them.
That’s the only feeling that I have, since starting this trial run: the urge to pee every fifteen minutes.

Take care,
A.

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Juice Bar.

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Happy Hangov…gnn…you….you know what, frak you!
Whoever came up with the mixture of Apple, Beetroot, Lime (another fraking Citrus, that waste of fructose, time and sunshine should be wiped off the planet together with that nauseating, headache inducing citrus stench. Taters and Apples have more Vitamins, so, NO!) and Basil should be forced to drink this, every day of the week, until kingdom come, no deviation, nothing else.
Just the Happy Hangover drink.

For the love of all that is just and true, who is this catering to?
Alcoholics?
Here’s a tip you marketing twats, alcoholics don’t get hangovers, why? Hangovers only happen to people who are foolish enough to stop drinking.

Want a happy hangover?
Mix yourself a Bloody Mary.
Or pour some Vodka into this abominable waste of fructose and dihydrogenmonoxide.
Jesus fraking Christ!

Most redundant thing in the history of beverages, even worse than the Applestrudel drink…frak…

Life ain’t that hard: Vacationing

It really is simple:
1. Pack your shit (underwear, pants, shirt, socks, hygiene products)
2. Board a Car/Bus/Train/Boat/Plane and go to your destination.
3. Relax. Maybe have some fun.

Of course you need to pack accordingly, if you’re going someplace shittycold like “I’m going skiing in the swiss alps!” you need warm stuff. If you’re going someplace nice like the Caribbean, pack your beach attire.

Of course, basic decency rules have to be observed. For example, a beach holiday with binge drinking and lots of (teenage) sex, is, once you have crossed the 25 year old threshold, creepy, desperate, pitiful.
If you ask me, and that’s why you’re here, it is always pitiful and desperate, once older than 25 the creepy adjective just pops up out of nowhere along with one or two or three or four VDs.

A city trip across Europe is a neat thing, but I have to caution you, this is only for the pseudo [insert adjective here]. Yes. Only for pseudos. Of any kind.
If you are truly interested in culture, you spend WEEKS at one location at a time, and next year you come back to the next stop on your planned route. Going through five cities in two weeks, is a pseudo cultural excuse to get drunk and sleep around. Again, past a certain maturity age (~25), creepy, desperate, pitiful and pseudo.

If your destination includes anything that could even remotely be called an animator – kill yourself.
Do it in the travel agency’s office, splatter blood all over the place, or do it ISIS style.
Who ever came up with the idea for an animator (not the kind making animated films, butnthe kind that is supposed to animate YOU) should be dragged a hundred meters through broken glass on incandescent coal at five cm/hour.
Finally you have time away from schedules, and calls, and colleagues dropping in on you, a boss demanding shit, customers yanking your chain – just to have to some underpaid, overenthusiastic asshat tell you what to do to have some fun?
Sure, it is not (always) mandatory – neither is the chat with Susan from accounting – but it is annoying, and you are paying to have this shitstain there…
So…Kill yourself!

If you are going to a spa, bring one thing above all – a good book. Not war and peace, where after five chapters you feel as if you just came out of a coma, because you have no idea what happened in those fove chapters. A good book. Something you can read and dive into. Sure, the massages and whirlpool and sauna and pool are places you won’t need it per se, but there are long stretches where you’ll need it. Unless you want to catch up on sleep.

At the end, if you are an allergic – don’t go on vacations on farms. Unless you have plenty of antihistamines in your pockets.
Your body weight in antihistamines to be precise.
Which is what I will be doing.
I am on vacation next week, family vacation on a farm…any Darth Vader impersonations of mine might end up here 😉

Have fun, A.

Irregular annoyed post 25 March 2015

Brightly lit day, I’d estimate it to be somewhen between 10am and 1 pm:
A dude rides on a Bike, a Bartender at an open air Bar opens a bottle with orange booze in it, next to the “on” Mic for an orange speaker-system in the street.
Orange booze is poured in glasses with fresh ice in them.
Bike-guy steals an orange hat from a girl conversing with another girl at a table in front of a Café. As she follows he rings his bell.
More booze is poured in ice filled glasses.
A stack of boxes containing oranges on a cart is rolling down a street, people (dude with ridicoulus hair; woman in “summerdress”) run after it. As the cart is forced to a stop by an obstacle, two women eagerly catch the oranges using bags (plastic by the looks of it).
Later these people (chasers and catching women) calmly walk down a sidewalk, passing oranges between them by throwing.
Different people steal orange hopping balls from an open delivery truck, smiling like exceptional individuals. Delivery guy sees this, laughs and takes two of the balls for himself, running after them while they are hopping down the road on said balls.
Booze in glasses is now handed out to some people (IN BROAD DAYLIGHT).
Suddenly the balls are baloons filled with “lighter than air” gass, people with booze-glasses walk joyfully around the baloons and several shelves (!) of identical bottles with the orange booze.
A dude on a bike (bike guy from before?) tows an orange sofa by. More booze drinking people, on the sofa and off.
All the while an annoying french song is playing.

Did you guess what it is?
Yes, the overly annoying Aperol advertising.

STOP GIVING ME THE SAME CRAP OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN ON YOUTUBE!

I never have tasted Aperol, and thanks to this advert – I NEVER WILL! So shove it!

If you could rage quit youtube, I’d do it atm.

Take care and drink ANYTHING BUT APEROL!

All this rage inducing shite aside, did you think about what your advert is telling people? THAT THESE PEOPLE HAVE ALCOHOL PROBLEMS! They hear a Bartender (pusher) open a bottle and stream in droves to the bar to get their fix IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY! How can these people get drunk that early? Aperol! “Joy is contagious!” Yeah, contagiously stupid.

Now stop doing idiotic adverts, and for the love the gods – stop dishing out the same advert thousands of times…

A.

Gun nuts, are still nuts

I heard about the kid who shot dead his sister. He was five, she was two.
So far, I thought “Parents are irresponsible, leaving a gun lying around.” then I learned it was his riffle, there I thought “Parents are fucking assbags, these analfaces give their fiveyear old a riffle.”
Hold on.
Then I learned it was a “Children’s riffle”. What?
Let me repeat that slowly for you my lovelies. A riffle, specifically made for kids, a real one, one that actually shots and isn’t just “Bang, Bang” and made of plastic, no a REAL fucking riffle made for kids as young as five.
And here I want the parents shot. Not killed, but shot in the kneecaps and ellbows and left in a swamp fending for their lives.
Period.

But the more pressing issue here is – what derranged sack of shit makes these?
Oh right, NRA people.
That is just sick, a kid isn’t allowed to vote, drive, drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes – SO IT HAS NO BUSINESS FIRING OR OWNING A REAL GUN!
I understand that certain third world countries have these – children soldiers and all – but a developed western country should castrate these people with a rusty spoon!

Please my american readers, friends, enemies and haters – change this crap. Let the kids be kids, and not little shits with guns!
Soon you’ll hear of a five year old who storm in his class room with such a thing and shoot down the teacher, some other kids and then cry for his mommy!
Every person defending guns for children is a driveling waste of perfectly good clothes, be it a politician or lowlife redneck parents.
Wasted genetic material, thieves of oxygen, water and food.

Make change happen.
Please!

A.