Posts tagged ‘drunk’

Life ain’t that hard, drinking!

No, not that kind of drinking.
The one that doesn’t involve alcohol.

If you’re like me, then the suggested, supposedly “healthy”, dose of at least 2 liters of water per day is an unbearble summer reading assignment, equal to having to read war and peace over the weekend and write a paper on it.

Look, life ain’t that hard, in order to keep “hydrated” and healthy, just follow this simple guideline:
1. Nature blessed us with a sense that alerts us if we need to drink: THIRST! If you’re thirsty, drink. If not, don’t pump more stuff in. If that results in 0.5 liters a day, that’s fine, your body seems to not need any more.
2. The urban legend of coffee (or caffeinated drink) dehydrating the body keeps getting passed around like a nasty STD. Were it to be true, I would look like a desert mummy from the Andes! I don’t. I’m healthy and alive. So keep drinking it, even to quench your thirst.
3. Once your piss starts to be colourless, stop drinking so much. You’re not a fountain.

There. A concise list on how to drink healthily.

If by any chance you give in to the pressure and give this shit of drinking at least 2 litres of non-alcoholic and non-caffeinated stuff a try, and then someone asks you, after a week, whether you feel any better – piss on them.
That’s the only feeling that I have, since starting this trial run: the urge to pee every fifteen minutes.

Take care,
A.

Irregular annoyed post 25 March 2015

Brightly lit day, I’d estimate it to be somewhen between 10am and 1 pm:
A dude rides on a Bike, a Bartender at an open air Bar opens a bottle with orange booze in it, next to the “on” Mic for an orange speaker-system in the street.
Orange booze is poured in glasses with fresh ice in them.
Bike-guy steals an orange hat from a girl conversing with another girl at a table in front of a Café. As she follows he rings his bell.
More booze is poured in ice filled glasses.
A stack of boxes containing oranges on a cart is rolling down a street, people (dude with ridicoulus hair; woman in “summerdress”) run after it. As the cart is forced to a stop by an obstacle, two women eagerly catch the oranges using bags (plastic by the looks of it).
Later these people (chasers and catching women) calmly walk down a sidewalk, passing oranges between them by throwing.
Different people steal orange hopping balls from an open delivery truck, smiling like exceptional individuals. Delivery guy sees this, laughs and takes two of the balls for himself, running after them while they are hopping down the road on said balls.
Booze in glasses is now handed out to some people (IN BROAD DAYLIGHT).
Suddenly the balls are baloons filled with “lighter than air” gass, people with booze-glasses walk joyfully around the baloons and several shelves (!) of identical bottles with the orange booze.
A dude on a bike (bike guy from before?) tows an orange sofa by. More booze drinking people, on the sofa and off.
All the while an annoying french song is playing.

Did you guess what it is?
Yes, the overly annoying Aperol advertising.

STOP GIVING ME THE SAME CRAP OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN ON YOUTUBE!

I never have tasted Aperol, and thanks to this advert – I NEVER WILL! So shove it!

If you could rage quit youtube, I’d do it atm.

Take care and drink ANYTHING BUT APEROL!

All this rage inducing shite aside, did you think about what your advert is telling people? THAT THESE PEOPLE HAVE ALCOHOL PROBLEMS! They hear a Bartender (pusher) open a bottle and stream in droves to the bar to get their fix IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY! How can these people get drunk that early? Aperol! “Joy is contagious!” Yeah, contagiously stupid.

Now stop doing idiotic adverts, and for the love the gods – stop dishing out the same advert thousands of times…

A.

Two wheeled menace

I have had it with these crazy bicycles!

If Cyclists – and all you environmentally conscious people out there – want (them) to be taken as serious members of traffic we need to change a few things.

1.: Mandatory Driving License – as any motorist needs one, as any one on public transport needs a bus pass, these morons need one too. So they at least once have heard of traffic laws. No driving license, no bike.
2.: Mandatory helmet – if one is caught without one, the same “punishment” a car driver gets when driving wihtout a seatbelt. Period. Three strikes and the bike is pounded.
3.: Mandatory License Plates – Seriously. If these creeps mow down old hags and little kids, at least we can identify the vehicle that did it! And in most cases the owner of said bike will be the culprit. Fulfledged members of traffic need a license plate! But we can make these free in opposition to those on cars and motorbikes. Bike doesn’t have a license plate and is on the street – pounded.
4.: No more exceptions! – If I see one more “One Way” sign with the amendment “Except bicycles” I’ll plaster that with dogshit! And…
5.: …no more driving on the sidewalks! You wanted to be a full member of traffic, you use the road! Period! Violators should be givin a one month driving ban (including cars!), and the bike is confiscated for the duration of that time.
6.: No phoning, texting, riding it hands-free or drunk/DUI. Self explanatory I guess. Impoundment when violated.
7.: Mandatory service checks! Just as any car has to be checked if it is still road safe, the bikes need the same treatment. If it isn’t fit anymore, it needs to be either mended or discarded.
8.: Kids on bikes – No. Just no. Kids under the age of 12 can ride it in the company of their parents (or other guardian) on the road, or on designated bike lanes. Older, and they can have the driving license for the bike, and go out alone. But no more letting kids go out and play on their bike. These kids are more often than not monsters on two wheels and are a menace to others and themselves. (I was one once, trust me!) NO!

I am all for saving the environment.
Especially from CO2 emissions. But I’m also a huge fan of safety! But I can’t step outside my office without being run over by a crazy cyclist on the friggin sidewalk. I know not all of you un-motorised two wheeled folks out there are crazy lunatics that should only be allowed to drive in a padded underground tunnel where no one can get harmed. In fact, most of you are not.

But this is a safety measure that needs to be taken, a car or motorcycle needs a license plate, a “skilled” driver (yeah I know, but in theory they received training), checks and rules where driving it is allowed.

Bicycles need that too. It is crucial for road safety.
I have more ideas for road safety, but most of those are the insane ravings of a lunatic. Like: mandatory Dashcams for new cars, subsidies for installing such a system in your current car, so you can send footage of traffic violations (or other violations) to the police, since they can’t be everywhere. (In an insane plottwist, if the Police are the culprits, you too have the civic liberty/duty to document these incidents)
Or huge-ass subsidies for electric cars. Give people an insentive to buy one, and install waaaaay more charging stations throughout urban areas.
As I’ve said.
Maniacal ravings of a crazy man.

While I’m on the subject of bikes.

Stop it with the E-Bikes. They have the same speed a normal bike has, so it ain’t an electric motorbike. It’s crap for pseudo intellectual, environmentally stupid folk to jerk off their conscience concerning fitness and environment.
It’s crap. So stop it!

Take care, and drive safely,
A.

Picture time

Champagne

Champagne

Working near the nobler parts of town has its upsides. Instead of empty beer bottles, vomit and urin, we have empty champagne bottles, vomit and urin.
A scene develops in my mind here: two lads in tuxedos stagger around the sidewalk, sipping each from their respective bottles. Instead of sports club scarves they have silken scarves! And instead of yelling at people “Who U lookin’ at, stupid fag?!” They shout “What doth thine eyes watcheth,  intelligence allergic gender confused individual?!”…

 

Batman?

Who can stop you?

“Who can stop you?” – Every time I see it, I wish for a spray can, because I have the perfect answer to that question: Batman!
😉