Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Crappy Birthday in September

​http://www.smartbe.co/

Introducing Smartbe, the smart stroller for dumb people who shouldn’t have children, let alone be left alone with them.

This thing can be controlled via app, on your “I’m-a-certified-moron”-watch or your smart phone. It then will follow your every move, always staying a certain distance away from you, so you can jog (an activity for idiots, especially on paved ground), or take calls and stroll around like a squirrel on speed (always shadowed by that stroller which is creepy), hunt down, mercilessly attack and catch imaginary critters in the park, or just walk without touching the darn thing – god forbid, you could form an emotional bond with the small entity inside (hey you handsfree-bimbo, now you can reacher over and “touch” ME!)

The fondle-a-stranger-friendly distance to stroller and child, the emotional cold so to say, is continued in other features of this space age stroller: 

¤In case you are so distanced to your parasitic offspring that you walk away from the stroller/pram with the baby inside, you can get an alarm, on your phone! I’m sure it will not be tripped by the twenty people who check if the child is alright while you let some dude ‘plow your fields’ around the next bush. 

¤Your child might be chilly or exposed to too much wind/sun? No problem, just close the canopy on the little fucker from the app, no need to get too close!

¤Curious how your child is doing? Forget bending over and looking, you might catch a whiff of those nasty baby smells, just look at your brat through the camera! Best part, your child won’t ever even know you just looked at it – it will remain frightened, crying and desperate for some warm human interaction. 

I must admit, the seatheater and the bottle warmer are innovative ideas for a pram, but the rest?

Look people, life ain’t that hard: if you have kids your pre-child activities are restricted, or put on hold for a few years. You wanna jog or fondle strangers in the park? Do it while your partner has the kid, or a nanny, or a grandmother (they usually beat other people to spend time with their grandchildren). 

But, do not take them with. 

Especially in a fucking pram that is (will be) presumably powered by the same kind of Lithium Ion batteries that lit up a few “hoverboards”. 

There are easier, less idiotic and cheaper ways to kill your baby. Or give it up for adoption.

Or better yet – do not have a child, your genes deserve no chance of being passed on.

Crappy Birthday.

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Augmented Reality

The concept of this sounds like the most awesome invention in entertainment, the most innovatve idea in navigation and information ever.

Sounds.
But isn’t.

Plenty of old-schoolers have ripped on “Pokemon Go”. Bashing it with plenty of valid, and not so valid points pf criticism. 

I ain’t gonna chime in to the chorus, either loving or hating it – I don’t care for it.
At all.

Of course, some are blaming the game for the things the game can not be faultet for: our unpreparedness for augmented reality games.
•As individuals some lack the common sense and decency not to walk into hospitals – including ICUs, not to hike over graves on cemeteries, not to wander onto construction sites and fall into open holes in the ground, not to walk into oncoming traffic. I can hardly wait for the first morons to slip into nuclear power plants and get irradiated because a pikachu was hiding there.
Is the game to fault for any of this?
Nope. Human idiocy is.
•There are Pokemon in holocaust memorial sites, in hospitals, on graveyards, etc., preemptively the governments of the countries where this game is available should have told Niantic/Nintendo NOT to put shit there. Especially after the far less known and far less popular game Ingress had faced similar criticisms. Did the people in power learn? Nope. Did the game developers – who built on Ingress – learn? Nope. So at least a partial fault can be passed on to the development team.

We as a society were not prepared, our governments were not prepared, the developers were not prepared.
To some extent we still aren’t.
But this is not the fault of the game.
People, societies and governments were not prepared for TV, cellphones, smartphones or the internet. Some still struggle with that shit altogether. (Especially considering the lack of a coherent and transparent copyright law, eh?)

Faulting the game for exposing our own unpreparedness, our inadequacy to adapt to the new situation, is an escape mechanism.

It frightens us, how stupid people “become” when playing this game, it frightens us even more to know that these people were reckless idiots before, and Pokemon was just the catalyst that brought it to daylight.
It frightens us to see that just this easily a company can develop something – something so immaterial as software even – that turns our view of the world on its head, that makes everything different, that shows us our own inadequacies, and limitations.

It is just the same as saying that violent games make people run amok.
They don’t. These days it is relatively easy to obtain a weapon, if you have those tendencies.
If you have the tendency to run amok, you may still have an inkling of common sense preventing you from doing it at the first impulse, and you are drawn in by the violent games. Did the game make the homicidal maniacs? No. But they gravitated towards them.
Did Pokemon Go make the people stupid? No. It acted as a catalyst and exposed the window lickers as what they are.

Verdict: Not guilty.
Let Pokemon Go, go. Leave it be.

Accept that idiots are everywhere, and lament the fact that we did not turn Augmented Reality into the hottest tourist and learning app of all ages. That we did not turn augmented reality into a sky gazing app.
Be sad that you can’t whip out your phone, direct the camera to the weird cloud in the sky and it tells you what sort of cloud it is, what it means weather wise….and so on. What tree is this? What flower am I looking at? etc.
No we turned augmented reality into a game.
Just a game.

Take care,
A.

Educational reform

I’ve heard this on the radio the other day.
The educational reform in this country is designed in a way as to prevent kids in the first three years of primary school to fail.
So if the kid is dumb as shit, or slow (there I said it, now what PC police?), the kid is still going to advance to the next class.

Why?

If the child has obvious difficulties comprehending how to read or write simple letters, has problems with addition and subtraction, guess what? Reading more, writing coherent sentences or multiplication and division will be an obstacle the kid won’t be able to overcome.

This idea was obviously pushed by the feel-good crowd. (Sadly not the good sounding Gorillaz one)
This is as not to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Not the kids’, not the parents’.

The trend of blaming failure on the teachers rather than lazy/stupid pupils/students is continuing and will worsen once fourth grade has been reached and the failure train will keep the kids on perpetual hold.

Progress! Bravo, you truly have achieved something.

I would not be surprised the least to learn that this idea came from a mommyblogger type of person, seeing children as special snowflakes in need of protection.
Guess what sunshine, seven billion special snowflakes are just annoying snowcover. Once on the ground, they mash together, becoming identical snow wherever you look.
Deal with it.

People, parents in particular, teach your fucking kids! This is not just the teachers’ job, but also your obligation. Put down the remote, turn off the TV or computer/tablet/smartphone.
Spend time with your kids, and rehash what they did at school. It’ll work wonders, feelings and just having fun, ain’t going to get them through life. We all have to do stuff we don’t like.
The sooner the children learn this the sooner things will improve.
Parents (feelings and fun portion):
Grow up.

Take care,
A.

What the actual leap?

Are you people kidding me?

2016 has been a leap year. Big deal, every four years we have one. That is common knowledge.

Yet I can’t wrap my head around the fact that everywhere, literally EVERYWHERE, people and organisations took it upon themselves to celebrate the 29th (of February) like it was the second coming of christ! Even Ikea, IKEA, posted a picture of a table with a fifth leg in the center with the caption “If the leap year was a table”.

What happened?
Did we collectively drop a few IQ points since 2012 and slip into the category of people with special needs? (Which is just a PC way of me asking whether we all got retarded as a society)

There are two kinds of people who can be legally oblivious to leap years and the concept behind them. One are people living in another calendar system. The other group is kids, who can and will ask their parents and/or teachers.

If anyone of age old enough to vote, join the army, drive or purchase tobacco/alcohol has NO concept of why we have leap years – I want them to be given a legal guardian and their rights for all the aforementioned things revoked.
Why?
Because these people clearly have no capability of abstract thought, and thus, if they can’t get behind such a simple and selfexplanatory concept such as leap years, they pose a severe threat to our soceity if they’re let lose on voting booths, armed, drunk and behind the wheel.

So it is baffling to me that we were treated to articles and videos á mass with titles like “Neil deGrasse Tyson explains leap years here” “Michio Kaku explains why we have leap years” “This is why we have leap years” “Why do we have leap years” “This is the reason why…” and so on.
Then we have all the celebratory shit. A local radiostation treating it like they did us a service for even showing up to work that day. Facebook congratulated me saying that every four years we get an extra day and I should make the most of it!
Listen here you fuckheads, I try to make the most of EVERY day. Just because there is an extra day in the calendar (which is a human concept and has no connection to the reality of “days” or even “years”)  I won’t just drop my efforts and be depressed for a day. Nor do I need special encouragement.

There wasn’t that much fuzz about this shit in 2012, and that leaves but one conclusion. In exactly four years, our society, if not the entire species, got dumber.

This is terrifying, and disturbing. In 2020 we will probably be dancing to a 29th February hymn, and clap the leap year.
Let’s hope the terrorists win….

As always, take care, and if you prefer the terrorists on the losing end like me, educate people. Especially your kids. If you don’t have the answers, stop homeschooling them and send them to REAL teachers.
A.

Beating the Hippies, Beast of the Number

Yeah, this is about the “number magic” some of these New Age Witchpeople…uhm… “practice”.

To give you an impression of how much shit they’ve got on their shelves:

They write down a series of numbers (f.e.: 16, 22, 13, 5, 78) called a code, on a piece of paper, put a jug of perfectly fine, clean, drinkable tap water on it and wait.
For what?
For the “code” to work, to purify the water, or energise it, or something.

After a few minutes the jug’s content is ready to be drunk, and the paper with the code, is now to be thrown away (or ritualistically burned).
Whether that code would scare- or whisk away any real threats, like e.coli, out of murky water, I don’t know.
These snivelling shits only suffer from “upper middle class, first world problems”.
How do I know?
Easy, other fields of work for this malpractice of paper wasting and number abuse is, (amongst infinitely more) Chemtrail busting.
Hence their codes never were field tested with e.coli ridden waters!

“And it really, REALLY works!!!!111onetyone”
-Hippie

No.
No it doesn’t Moonraybutterfly. Numbers don’t filter or cleanse water. Otherwise we wouldn’t need “bigSewage” with their treatment plants…

Look, people, like your problems, your solutions are made up.
I already have explained arbitrary dates, that don’t phaze the universe and grander powers (if existent) at play, and now I have to go at this?

Okay! Here we go again!

Numbers, or codes as you call it, are about as magical, as turds floating on rivers of piss. Translate the base10 numbers you’re using into – lets say, hexadecimal – you’re screwed.

Let’s play with the most known magical number – 666

Roman numeral system: DCLXVI
Hexadecimal system: 29A
Binary: 1010011010

Not so menacing anymore, is it?

You do this with all your stupid “magic” “holy” or “unholy” numbers and your hokuspokus flies apart at the speed of light.
Numbers don’t cleanse your water, they do not disolve contrails, they don’t empower you pecker, don’t unblock your colon and won’t help you in any way shape or form. (Except the right ones on a lottery ticket)

Don’t any of you mathematical imbeciles dare say “But numbers are universal!!!! Foar the entire Universe!!!!11”
They’re not. (Pi is, I grant you that)
Our numbering system is based on 10 due to our 10 fingers. Imagine Aliens with twelve fingers.
Like Hexadecimal, after 10 comes 1A, and 1B, before you switch over to 11! 
Numbers are arbitrary. Sure, there is a definitive mass to a standard Hydrogen atom, but whether you call it 1H as a base for a new unit, or base that mass as a (n arbitrarily numbered) fraction of something (arbitrary) else (grams? ounces? mol?) is all riding the randomly chosen number roller coaster again.

So no. Numbers are not universal.
Numbers are not magical.
There are no “codes”. At least no magical ones.

Take care,
A.

PS: If above example code yields proven results, I demand credit and royalties ;þ

PPS: If you are now trying that code for various shit my code already worked…it lured in gullible twits.

Patience

Truly is a virtue. A virtue that I am not in possession of.

I have gotten over the aneurysm inducing first parent-teacher conference, and I must say, I marvel at the patience of the Kindergarten teachers, and the braindamage indicating stupidity of the parents.
All of which seem like either left-over Yuppies (Ouppies?) or Alternative-Antivaxxer-Hippies.
Or both.

KGT (Kindergardenteacher): “For the strictly voluntary, weekly Out-Of-The-House-Day supply your kid with a backpack, raincoat, they should wear trousers, don’t pack lunches, and supply a reusable waterbottle, we fill the bottles with the children here.”
Parent1: “The bottle should be empty?”
KGT: “Yes.”
Parent2: “Can we fill them at home?”
KGT: “No. We fill them with the kids, here.”
Parent3: “So, the bottle is supposed to be empty?”

I wonder how these people have made it through the daily gauntlets of life so far.

If I would’ve held that conference I would’ve told them the first sentence. When the first parent asks I would’ve let out a sigh of frustration and stared blankly into the audience: “Listen up. I will say this only once again: Bring an empty bottle that your kid is going to fill up with water. Here. With us. You do not fill it yourselves, we and the kids do. If any of you are dimwitted enough to be confused by this simple task, LEAVE! Leave now, your kids will be taken into custody of the state, your drivers licence will be revoked, and you won’t be permitted to vote, anymore! In fact, you will be given a legal guardian yourself!”

Explaining basic simple crap to toddlers is something that needs to be done.
They’re learning. That is something I can do. Their attention span is about 5 seconds (unless they are supposed not to pay attention to something, then it can’t be deterred).
But their parents get zero tolerance.
These people have had kids, they need to raise these kids. They are holding jobs.
They have a permit to navigate a vehicle of several tons, loaded with said children and several liters of a highly flammable liquid, through populated areas.
They are allowed to vote! Thus, not only ruining the futures of small groups of people, but large groups of people.

And this can’t be tolerated! They need to be as much raised/trained as their kids, the KGT shouldn’t let that shit slip.

So.
After my first almost-breakdown, we went on further down shit road. 

Still on the subject of the voluntary, weekly Out-Of-The-House-Day:
KGT: “We ask the children whether they want to go out and if they don’t want to, they stay inside.”
Parent4 (FRONTROW SEATED!): “Well I was under the impression that my child’s backpack was hardly if ever used last year. Why’s that?”
KGT: ….
In my head: “Did you binge drink before you got here, passed out and didn’t hear jackshit about the entire voluntary part, only waking up due to the ruckus over the bottle? Did you take LSD and fazed out? Don’t ask about the bottle, I dare you! Maybe your little snowflake did not want to go out that much?”

If they were to hold a simple test AFTER the meeting, to see what the parents retained OF the meeting, the results would be catastrophic. Further cementing my idea that such test should be required to vote in election.

Sheetcreek river tours ain’t over yet!

KGT: “By rules and regulations, as well as the law, we are prohibited from administrating any medication on your children. That includes cremes if your child has diaper sore, or homeopathic globuli.”
In my head: “Wahahahahaha, good, my kid shouldn’t eat too much candy anyways!”
KGT: “We can’t even use disinfectants.”
Parent5: “Blood does disinfect anyways.”

What??? Wait! WHAT??? Then why on earth are we doing all this disinfection shit then? Why are there sterile OR tools? This parent solved all of our problems! Doctors, throw away those gloves, ditch that soap amd get to work asap, blood disinfects!

Back on track.
Parent6: “Why don’t you use Octenisept? It has hardly any sideffects, it doesn’t even burn!”
In my head: “Seriously, what kind of drug abuse are you folks partaking in to get to the point of blacking out every five minutes and missing vital shit like PROHIBITED BY LAW? Did you get ANY of that?

KGT: “No. We can’t. Dirt is washed out by the blood flow if it’s a scratch, if the child is bleeding more heavily than a band aid could contain, mwe are calling either you, or an ambulance anyways.
Parent7: “What if the child is bleading too heavy for a band aid?”

I am dead serious, what drugs were you people doing before coming in? And why did I miss the stand where they gave out the free acid or whatever?
I’d rather watch the coffeemachine turn into a dragon guarding my fridge, than go through that shit ever again!

After that the aneurysm inducing parents with the braindamage apparently gave up and kept their mouths shut.

In conclusion I must say, yes, I’d have the patience to deal with a bunch of toddlers, but I lack the tolerance, and the will to deal with a bunch of adults, which are supposedly sane.
My deepes respect to teachers worldwide, kindergarten or otherwise.

Take care,
A

PS: Next parent-teacher conference, I am going to get piss drunk beforehand.

History class(less)

My country, Austria, in central Europe, is over a thousand years old.
Well. The oldest written record concerning Austria is over a thousand years old, from AD 996, so it stands to reason to assume that the country in and of itself is a bit older than that.

A thousand years of history, from dark ages, crusades and wars fought on this soil, to modern day achievements and discoveries.

There is a newspaper in this country that has named itself after this country, and for some odd reason or another they made a book about the thousand years of history in this country, claiming that one could find everything in that book concerning those thousand years…
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For that, however, they kept it rather concise: 80 pages, and that includes our crappy anthem. (Please observe that the Index puts a two page anthem article on page 80, and in reality it is pages 78-79)
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A 78 page esay – in a regular format like A4, not the oddly sized bookling we’re talking about here – might be enough to write about the time since 1995, ever since the election concerning Austria joining the EU was stolenheld, the center-right government was in power and the banking crisis of recent years took place.
MIGHT.

At the same time, this bookling is another great analogy of my own history classes.

I sat in history classes for four years during my regular school career. We had two years in which we did everything from the dawn of time as we know it, up until 1938, and everything after 1945 to the present.
The other two years we stuck with that 7 year period (from hell). Austria joining Hitler Germany, all the way to the end.

This bookling isn’t doing that per se, but boasting about 1000 years of history and then from page 18 on forward only doing 20th century (and the beginning of this one) is NOT doing the other 900 years any justice!
So if you are planning on doing anything like this for your country, be honest.
The last 100 years are better documented (and more detailed so) than the previous 1000 together. Our bias towards the recent history therefore, is natural.

But if you are claiming to teach history, in form of a class or a book(ling), treat the topics like you would unruly children: be objectively and treat them equal.
Otherwise you end up with something like this. Proof that infinity exists.

How’s that you ask? In theory, if you had enough time (=infinity) you could throw your wet laundry in the dryer and it might, on one occasion, come out not only dry, but also perfectly folded.
This bookling must have come into existence in such freak accident. Paper and printing ink were combined by some miracle of infinity to create this, without any human supervision or interference of any kind. No journalists, no printing, no anything. Just a mysterious explosion that shatspat out this creation. A miracle. A crappy one, but still….
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