Posts tagged ‘dump’

Love?

In the beginning man and woman met outside. While hunting. While foraging.

A clout over the head, drag her to the cave, bang the ever living daylight out of her until your doomseed spawns out of her. 
You know… 
Love.

Later men and women met in the social constructs beset on them by class. Arranged marriage, basically the same as in the beginning, without the clout. 
Later in time, they courted one another, talked, fell in love. Doomseed, yada yada yada.
You know…
Love.

In the mid to late 20th century that entire crap got too time consuming so the local classifieds popped up.
Men and women filled pages of the newspapers in small print, advertising oneself like some overripe fruit on a farmersmarket five minutes before they close for the long weekend. 
You know…
Love.

That was too time consuming too after a while, so some rabbi came up with speed dating. 
Your entire life, your achievements, hopes, dreams, aspirations, character, interests, and what not, distilled into a ten minute conversation with one another, and then go over the entire list – again.
You know…
Love.

Time is money, you don’t have an entire evening for this! 
Pour a condensed vision of that distilled “You” into an online profile and off you go!
You know…
Love.

But even that was inconvenient, since we didn’t have it on the go. So some shit like tinder, really was inevitable. Condensed distilled you, photo, swipe. 
You can do it on an elevator, riding the subway, taking a dump.
You know. 
Conven…err…”Love”…

And what did I read in a newspaper just the other day? 
THAT was too stressful for some New Yorkers! They OUTSOURCED their tinder-ing to someone else who is doing the swipe based fuck selection for them.
You know. 
Love?

It kinda reminds me of the entire Farmville crap. On Facebook, a place for the condensed distilled version of you that you choose to represent, you could play a game. Farmville. 
You know.
Fun.

That wasn’t good enough for people. So they HIRED others to play the game for them. On their Facebook. 
As them.
So some underpaid poor sods in a clickfarm somewhere in southeast Asia played as white middle class Facebook people, for some extra grain or geese. 
You know.
Fun?

This is in no way different. 
Something that should be deeply personal – fun and relaxation in one case, fun and romance in the other – something that is as convenient as fuck, something that can be done on the go, outsourced. 
“I have neither time not nerve for fun, relaxation, games, love, or procreation. Let someone else do it.”
You know.
“Life”.

If your life style (or “work-life-balance”) doesn’t allow for playing a fucking game, or the convenience based swipe partner selection, trust me, you won’t have time for your partner in the unlikely chance you ever even found one. Ultimately losing them again.
Which you probably wouldn’t even notice until they send you on mandatory vacation…
You know.
Shitty life.

Take care.
A.

Crappy Birthday in September

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This is the perfect gift for people who overcomplicate everything, including and especially taking a dump.

If your victimfriend likes the feeling of warm toilet seats (aka touching asses) and has to crap in a badly heated glass box so a feet warmer and discreet panel illumination are just their thing, and they like to s(h)it for hours on the bog listening to music, getting their buttholes (or in case of female friends, their vaginas) massaged by an oscillating/pulsating bidet stream – go for it.

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6,650.00$ is a price readily paid to give someone you hatelove the displeasure of this square-ish toilet.

Just ask in advance if the bog is e-mailing or twittering the times and durations, as well as chosen bidet programs for each individual user. The world has, after all, a right to know.

Have a crappy birthday, quite literally,
A.

19. Dec. 2014

Crap!This engagement ring, titled “Shit”, is a wonderful masterpiece of goldsmithery. It is kept slim and sleak to fit on every woman’s hand. The Crap is designed artfully and thus the dump accumulates to a few grams.

Perfect for the bitch you’re gonna marry, just to divorce the lying, cheating whore during the first pregnancy, which she announced a year and a half after you had your vasectomy…

T minus 8

Dinner!Peaceful Forest Idyl

Indoor and Outdoor use.

For all of the people who have never left the concrete jungle, we bring you these pieces of PVC nature, to admire in the entry hall of inner-city parlour, with view on the helicopter landing pad.

IF you DO have a garden, and you DO see nature, I know of no reason why you’d want this. Deer are a hassle if you have a garden. They trample your flowers, eat your fruit and vegetables. Least you want to do is attrackt more of these creatures by putting up their cadboard comrades here.

If I should ever come upon a home with these in it, or the garden adjaconed to it, I’ll take a dump at the rear end of one of these creatures. If anyone asks, the deer did it…ideal gift for people who admire shit in their livingroom!