Posts tagged ‘feces’

Crappy Birthday in September 

Quite literally. 

For the city dwellers who can’t get enough of that sweet, sweet guano producing fowl that is ever omnipresent in urban areas the world over. 

Pigeons. 

Fathered crap bags. Cast in stone…or clay. 

“It reminded me of you.” Normally this can be a quite romantic line, but with this, you can tell a yuppie what you think of them. Urban crap bag. Ucrab. 

Crappy Birthday! A.

Crappy Birthday in August 2017

Got that detestable garbage human Hipster scum in your circle of acquaintances?

Their birthday is coming up?

PERFECT!

These revolting socks are the perfect gift, for a perfect asshole. They will surely like it, because it is before they are cool, because they’ll never be cool. And these socks a shining (or screamingly loud) warning beacon. 

Warn others. Gift these socks.

Crappy Birthday.
A.

Life ain’t that hard, (public) toilets.

Problems with public toilets have been a reoccurring theme in our society.

As usual I am here to help!

It is simple:
•Excrete your feces into the bowl and leave them there.
•Urinate into the bowl, or the Urinal. Unsteady stream? Sit down.
•Wiping is done utilising toilet paper, not bare hands, socks or other things.
•Regurgitate directly into the bowl if possible.
•Ejaculate into a piece of toilet paper, nowhere else, if you are alone, that is.
•Bleeding, change your tampon, or call an ambulance, but don’t bleed freely everywhere.
•Flush. No, seriously, FLUSH!
•This is a no smoking area, there’s  methane in the air!
•Shooting yourself up with drugs is never good, but particularly bad here.

Print this out if you need or want to.

One last word of advice:
Feces, Urine, Vomit, Semen, Blood – none of these are an accepted source for painting the stall and ceiling over with. If you have uncontrollable artistic urges, bring a sharpie.
If you want to experiment with your fetishes, do it at home or a close friend’s house. Really close.

Life ain’t that hard, see?

Take care,
A.

Passive aggressive Kitty

Someome, somewhere, harbours a hatred for Hello Kitty with a ferocity of a pschotic maniac, yet the restraints of intellect like any civilised person.

That person obviously is in charge of handling the licensing of Hello Kitty products.

How do I know? Well, some time ago I stumbled upon this item here.
image

Hello Kitty Babypowder scented kitty litter, although Hello Kitty isn’t a cat, someone gave the license away so real felines can defecate in it.

Odd, slightly annoying and certainly not for real cats, despite the claims on the box.
But at that point in time, okay.

Then I came upon this.
image

Hello Kitty toilet paper.

So real people could wipe the remains of feces away with it.

The passive aggressive hatred towards Hello Kitty that is displayed with these two products (especially in combination), speaks volumes after volumes.

My question is, who on this earth (or in that company) is dumb enough to let the one individual on the planet that hates Hello Kitty that much, handle the licensing?
Whats next?
Hello Kitty – Laxatives?
Hello Kitty – Portable Toilets?
Hello Kitty – Nuclear Missiles?

In any case, I’m looking forward to more of these insane products. Keep your eyes open for the Crappy Birthdays.

Take care,
A.

19. Dec. 2014

Crap!This engagement ring, titled “Shit”, is a wonderful masterpiece of goldsmithery. It is kept slim and sleak to fit on every woman’s hand. The Crap is designed artfully and thus the dump accumulates to a few grams.

Perfect for the bitch you’re gonna marry, just to divorce the lying, cheating whore during the first pregnancy, which she announced a year and a half after you had your vasectomy…

Random Rant 11.Dec 2014

In advance dear readers, I have to apologise for any harsh language in this post. I’m angry.
Sorry.

Well, I got a call from my wife.

We seem to have forgotten to pay the Dog-Tax on time, and they had sent us one of their minions to collect the tax.

Listen here you numbskulls, you send a letter with an invoice, we forget to pay.
Okay.
That’s bad behaviour on our part, but after that, you send another letter. That’s how everything in this world runs.
It’s called “a reminder”. Usually added with a late fee. Begrudingly I’d even pay that, since we are at fault here.

But you don’t show up with one your cretins on our doorstep! And let us fill out a form whether the dog owner (my wife) is married (a simple check in your database could solve that question without annoying us/her), whether we have a car (again, look up the databases at your disposal. Is there a car registered under the name? Yes? Woooow!!!! Shall I make a LATH post for you?) who pays the rent (why on earth would that concern you? It ain’t your business who is paying the rent!!!) and so on.
Just be glad I wasn’t home during the time of this questioning. I would’Ve given you these exact answers.
“Are you married?” – None of your business. Look it up.
“Do you have a car?” – None of your business. Look it up.
“Who is paying the rent?” – Absolutetly none of your business. Draw a Venn Diagramm of people likely to pay the rent and play the odds.

I despise the ground these tax/fee collecting misfits cast their shadows upon, and I hope a meteor incinerates the ground they walk on.

The real issue I have with the Dog-Tax is not that we have to pay it, but that they demand 82(!!!!) Euro, and STILL they force you to pick up dog poop.
NO!
With that amount of money I’m throwing into the dumpster here I demand you bowlmovements pick up the dog poop yourself. Remember some many decades ago? You justified the taxation of dogs with “we have to pay people who pick up the dog poop”. Good, now pick it up.

82 Euro a year, I expect people in fine suits come and pick it up, not the usual grimey workers, no, suit and tie wearing thieves who otherwise would only gather dust behind a desk and waste organs and oxygen.
Go and pick up dog poop you anal-orifices!

Again, I must ask for your forgiveness dear readers.
I just had to vent this…

A.

T minus 24

Welcome to this year’s Christmas-Countdown.

Horror
This will be horrible, right?

Yes. Yes it will be. Just being greeted by these two ghouls at the entry of the mall isn’t enough…

Holy shit!
Day 1, Take this angelic mug of horror, fill it to the brim with feces cocoa, and enjoy the upcoming days.
Who in their right mind would buy this, other than to have a blunt object at hand if someone breaks into your house? Or to give it to someone you hate?