Posts tagged ‘fix’

How to fix the Star Wars Prequels – Episode 3

Finally the last one. I can’t wait to get this over with.

1. General LeeDookoo’s attack on the capitol is in full swing months after Episode 2. Amidala is on Naboo heavy preggers. Obi Wan and Anakin are in the defense of Coruscant, the robo lizzard General Grievous (see RedLetterMedia for additional baddies like Admiral Bone-to-Pick) is completely eliminated from the story. COMPLETELY!

2. Chacnellor Palpatine is abducted by General Dookoo (Darth R.E.Lee), the two (Obi Wan & Anakin) get him back. Remember, there is NO R2D2 or 3CPO here. Good? Perfect! Obi Wan is slowly suspecting there is something going on / wrong with Anakin, as he seems less reserved like a Jedi, but more aggressive like a Sith (can we call them “Dark Jedi” again? Sith sounds like a Hobo’s soiled pants after drinking too much Wine from a carton…).
General Darth Lee is murdered in cold blood by Anakin, further deepning the doubts that Obi Wan has in his apprentice.

3. After the separatists/confederates retreat from GhettysburgCoruscant, a decisive battle that IS determining the war (just like in the civil war at Ghettysburg), we are informed that Palpatine should have signed a treaty that makes the separation from the republic legal. (So the entire abduction finally makes sense!)

4. By now Palpatine has become interested in the irritated, angry young Jedi Anakin, and further deepens the damage to his training, drawing hi deeper into the Dark Jedi territory. Sooner or later Anakin becomes evil, which causes Amidala to end their relationship, filing for divorce, without telling him of her pregnancy. This makes him even more angry. BUT WE NEVER SEE THESE TWO ON THE SCREEN TOGETHER!

5. Darth Vader! Yes, finally we’re there. Palpatine sends him to deal with General Lee’s Dookoo’s successor on Mustafar (that’s racist by the way), who is staging & manufacturing a new wave of battle droids there. While offing these and the successor (a noname, who is not a dark jedi) Obi Wan and Yoda learn of the fate of their fellow Jedi. Palpatine has ordered his agents in the command ranks of the clone to wipe the JEdi out. Since the clones are obedient, they just do what they’re told without hesitation. Obi Wand Yoda are the sole survivors.

6. There is no endfight between Obi Wan and Anakin/Vader OR Yoda versus Palpatine.  His condition is due to the noname successor to Dookoo setting off a selfdestruct on Mustafar. Palpatine rushed to his aid, while Yoda hides on Dagobah, and Obi Wan goes with Senator Organa to look for Amidala, who dies in childbirth. Now the two (Yoda is already in hiding) decide to separate the twins, Leia on Alderaan as his adoptive daughter and Luke with the Lars’s on Tatooine, where Ben Kenobi also goes into hiding.

7. Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine watch a Death Star in construction imploding under its own weight, explaining why they’re taking so long to build an operational one until Episode 4.

There could be an outro crawler explaining that the Clone armies slowly died because of the advanced aging they had to under go, and drafts were pulling able bodied men into service. If you want to keep the “special edition” original trilogy, make Coruscant look a little run down. Buildings in neglect as the materials to build the fleet and the death stars are no longer available for maintaining stupid looking buildings…oh and make them dirty. And get “old” Anakin back in Episode 6.

So. I fixed the prequels. Somewhat. It could be done better, but this is a quickly drawn up draft for the real geniuses in Hollywood to work with.
Fix the mistake George did. While we’re at it, Paramount, send the dude who thought a CGI Enterprise in Star Trek TOS would be a good idea to the same island we need to ditch George on.

May the force be with you!

How to fix the Star Wars Prequels – Episode 2

Remember the second episode? It was more of an intoxicating stinker of a cinematic turd than the shite that grounded the BA flight to Dubai back in March 2015.

Fix it.

1. After the corrected Episode 1 we follow up at Coruscant, the midair collision traffic has wound down a little, as more and more system want to seprate from the republic (remember the Civil War reference? Good. Keep that in mind!). Count Dookoo (which sounds like some took a dump “I made a Count Dookoo in my diaper!” – so rename him, Disney, please!) is presented as a baddie from the start, as he is a General (equal to General Lee in the Civil War. Keep that shit in mind, people). We are presented with the fact that the republic has little to offer against the separatists, so drafts are going to happen. Occassionally Jedi are drafted in, and eventually the council agrees to join the war effort in order to restore peace.

2. Now the Clones march in. In order to keep the economy up and running they need the people NOT in the war, so the senate votes for the formation of a clone army, we can basically keep the majority of the clone plot. BUT the senate is informed about their shady background, and thus NON clone men/women are leading the troops. (influenced, infilitrated or something by the baddies, so the obedient clones later can rebel against the Jedi)

3. Love. Anakin and Amidala had kept tabs on each other, kept in contact – they’re friends, and their romance has begun formin OF camera in etween Episode 1 and 2. Still they only reluctantly indulge in their feelings, but in essence it is AMIDALA that is making the advances, breaking Anakin’s training and turns out his passion/love (and thus inadvertently his darker side). There is NO plot to assassinate her, but high ranking political individuals are slowly transfered away from Coruscant, as an attack is feared, and instead of having ALL leaders wiped out all at once, the separatists could only damage them, but not wipe them out. The senators can holo-phone their stuff in.
Anakin is escorting her to Naboo (again, change it, or your Dookoo making kid will think of curvy furry animals eating grapes and frolicking in the sun) on a mission to prove himself to the council and Obi Wan.

4. Obi Wan and his former Master Yoda are investigating the murder of Chancellor Velorum (now Palpatine can be elected) Obi Wan follows the assassin, Jango Fett, and gets trapped on the planet where Dookoo (*sigh*) is staging and manufacturing his troops for the Battle at Ghettysburg Coruscant. Anakin and Amidala rush to the rescue, after having spent a sinful night together. (Yes. This early. Deal with it.)

5. Keep the arena scene, Dookoo and Maul are watching in horror as the Jedi and Clones march in. Chase scene, fight.
Now either Yoda is going limp due to old age or he is injured during the fight, Maul gets finally killed, LeeDookoo escapes, the droids join in their escape. Prior a discussion revealed the plans for the deathstar as previously in the old AotC.

6. Again, we meet Palpatine as Imperator (Darth PantaloonsSidious) only for a brief moment, no over indulgent conversations with a hologram that could be traced/recorder and compared. The Civil War is full on.
Episode 2 ends.

A thing about the sets. Except on ambasadorial or royal ships/locations, the sets should have a grimey, used touch to them. You know, a little dirty, a little used. Not ALL sets looking like they were built and cleaned an hour ago.

Again, fix this, for the sake of the force. DO IT!

How to fix the Star Wars Prequels – Episode 1

Hey, Disney, I have a suggestion for you.


Here’s how to do it.
1. “Fixing” In the opening crawler text write “After wittnessing the Imperial propaganda piece that was the Phantom Menace, which displayed the Jedi as sodden dimwits, here’s the truth.”

2. The entire “Dispute over Taxation of Tradrouts” crap – lose it. The Trade federation (or “the French”) is full on attacking a well armed Naboo civilisation, that is capable of holding up, but will eventially lose. Two Jedi are dispatched to instigate peace negotations. The opening shot after the crawler is a ship on approach to the planet, followed by a short overview of the exchange of hostilities between Naboo and the French.

3. Ditch Qui Gon. Who is sent to do the negotiating? Yoda and Obi Wan Kenobi. Master and Apprentice. Yoda does not yet have a cane to walk with – as someone who worked in a care home for a year I can tell you, old people (and Yoda IS old) can deteriorate pretty quickly. So here he is still fit and all, and only needs a cane later when Luke is visiting him.

4. There will be no negotiations. The two land secretly on the far side of the planet to avoid having to fight through two competing armies. There they run into one of the Gungas, or what ever the underwater Cretins are called.
They meet, let’s say the guard we encounter in TPM, he tells them that the war has disrupted the already fragile relations with the Naboo and them, and that they will help the Jedi.

5. Yoda and Obi Wan snatch Amidala from the besieged city together with her CHief of Security (one eyed Dude), go back through the underwater level, negotiate with the Cretins that they will help if no one comes to their aid from the Republic. Then they return to their ship with Amidala and her guard. NO FRIGGIN DECOY CRAP!

6. During their escape from “Planet of the Duh!” the ship gets damaged forcing them to land on Tatooine.  They meet a young pubescent Anakin Skywalker, about 14 years old. In order to impress the “Queen”, Anakin participates in a pod race (let’s keep that stuff in, the resulting game was AWESOME!) so they get the dough necessary for continuing on. Yoda and Obi Wan agree that Anakin needs training, although he clearly is too old to start the training, he still holds great power. NO MITICHLORIANS! Stop ruining Star Wars. Okay?

7. Selling their ship and dumping the cash from the pod race on Shmi and her BF (Owen Lars?) they then book passage on another ship (sounds familiar? Good. “It’s like poetry, so it rhymes.” Right?) and return to the Senate.

8. The Senate, who sent the Jedi to start the negotiations, is in a political lock down, between pro intervention and contra intervention parties, as well as few who couldn’t decide. Reflecting reality. Amidala, with more emotion than in TPM, votes for a no confidence thing, resluting in GENERAL new elections, for the entire senate, as the Chancellor is incapable of resolving the tie in senate. (This later creates a new Chancellor election empowering Palpatine)

9. The Jedi. Obi Wan is ready-ish to be granted the title of Jedi Knight, and desires to train Anakin as his Padawan. This is granted, as long as Yoda supervises for the first months, or year. The three Jedi (Yoda, Obi Wan and Anakin) return with Amidala to Naboo (we need to rename the Planet and the people, because Naboo sounds like shit you tell your three year old when tucking them in. “The Naboo were gentle people, and always frolicked in the sun, eating grapes…”) because of above stalemate in the senate.

10. Plans? The French have never had contact with Palpatine, those messages would be recorded, and that trunk like nose of his is a dead giveaway. They only speak with Darth Maul. In person, he has a small holographic communicator on him where he talks with Palpatine.
Why are the French attacking Naboo? Let’s say they have a stash of guns lying around, or valuable materials beneath their soil. We can draw the entire plot like the US American Civil War. The Separatists (Confederates) attack Naboo (Fort Something) and start the entire thing. Okay? Okay. Darth Maul keeps directing the French, and is equal to Obi Wan in a sword fight, and manages to escape. No one dies, yet.

11. Anakin and Amidala form a tender friendship with a slight hint of romance, after the battle of the Naboo with aid from the Cretins against the Droid Army. Little or no lightsabre action during the entire movie. The French are driven off, and few key figures are imprisoned and either jailed for life or executed. War times people. The Confederacy Separatist gain traction.
Naboo is free.
Episode 1 is over.


Please Disney, once enough time and republican credits are abundant, do this. Don’t forget, “credits will do fine” *handwave*.

May the force be with you,