Posts tagged ‘floors’

Meanwhile in Vienna…

As y’all know, we recently were vacationing in Italy, Bibione to be exact.

We were gone 17 days. One day before our departure our elevator (living on the 6th floor, or 7th of you’re American) was shut down for service repairs. Which was very delightful for me, now having to haul the suitcases down to the basement garage (6th floor up, so 8 floors total).

It was out of commission for one and a half weeks during our absence.

We later learned it wasn’t just serviced, oh no:
They replaced the hydraulics.

Before the replacement the elevator made a VROOM sound, when it was starting to go up, that you heard in the entire apartment!

Now that VROOM sound is gone. Now it is making a TOC TOC TOC TOC sound when going up. The entire length of the journey UP.
THAT YOU HEAR IN THE ENTIRE APARTMENT!

Fuck me sideways.

What hydraulics did they use? Second grade, second hand, salvaged from a scrap yard??

Jesus ascending Christ!

If you’ll excuse me, I have to break something…in the elevator…

A.

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Life ain’t that hard, Escalate and Elevate

It is simple, both devices take you from one floor to another. And for both you don’t need a PhD in theoretical physics.

Look, it’s simple:
★ Escalators, are basically stairs that go up, or go down:
•stand on the right
•walk on the left
•don’t sit on the handrail and don’t be surprised to plummet to your death if you do
•tie your Shoelaces beforehand, or else they may get caught in the thing
•don’t “run” in the opposite direction staying stationary
•watch your step upon stepping on and off the thing
•no pram, bike, wheelchair, dog or unicorn on this

★Elevators, these cabins of death move vertically, not yet in the horizontal plane, or diagonally, it is bets to sing “Oh lord, what is I gon’ do?” upon entry, and keep these in mind:
•I can’t stress the importance of doors.
•press button of desired target floor
•don’t: fart, defecate, urinate, spit, litter, fuck, vomit…eat, drink…deal with or consume drugs, murder people or animals, make or play music, apply deodorant/perfume/cologne…or worst of all: converse.
•upon exit, don’t press (all) other floor buttons
•someone approaches the elevator, hold the door open, don’t close it on them (or let it happen)
•no silly creepypasta games. Ever.
•it is not funny to press the emergency button
•in case the elevator gets stuck, press the emergency button, and remain calm, take long breaths
•IN CASE OF FIRE THE SHAFT ACTS LIKE A CHIMNEY, so DON’T use it…
•if it has one, do not press the STOP button

Now that this is cleared up, we can take the stairs…
•don’t put flowers on them, buy a shelf you cheap frak
•don’t sit there like homeless people, get a couch you cum stain…

Take care,
A.