Posts tagged ‘hipster’

World Wide Warning

An acquaintance of mine got a passive aggressive note passed to him by a stranger in the tube. A world wide warning. That the internet is evil and that you should appreciate live music, paintings in galleries and conversations in the flesh.
Bullshit.
I have a magic device in my hands as I write these lines, that allows me to listen to obscure African metal bands I could only listen to live if I invested a ludicrous amount of money (and time) to travel to some African country or another, while chatting with people on the other side of the globe and looking at paintings from the great masters, which I – again – would have to spend ludicrous amounts of money (and time) to gain access to. Carrying on my kindle an entire library worth of books, with no added weight. All while riding the metro. Or bus. Or sitting on the toilet.
Whoever thinks that only live encounters with art and people are worthwhile must lead a pretty boring (and/or expensive) lifestyle. Heading from encounter to encounter, with vast stretches of nothing in between.
Hey Mr. In-the-flesh, take your world wide warning and take it with you in your warm filthy hipster holes. I believe I have seen more than you did.

Take off the nostalgia goggles of times before you were born, those times had their shit sides too. (Coldwar, anyone?)

Take care,
A.

Crappy Birthday in August 2017

Got that detestable garbage human Hipster scum in your circle of acquaintances?

Their birthday is coming up?

PERFECT!

These revolting socks are the perfect gift, for a perfect asshole. They will surely like it, because it is before they are cool, because they’ll never be cool. And these socks a shining (or screamingly loud) warning beacon. 

Warn others. Gift these socks.

Crappy Birthday.
A.

Crappy Halloween 2016

Quoth the raven, “Fabulous!”

For the ghoulishly flamboyant Halloween party this year, from which even the uber tattooed grey-dyed organisers of hipster parties abstain in sheer terror of the loud horrors unfolding, comes this unreal aborted abomination from some Poe’ian nightmare realm.

The perfect piece of decor for the fiendishly vegan-sugar-gluten-lactosefree-superfood-anti-treats that will undoubtedly be handed out this year. This raven is what you get from that kind of diet, shortly before some exotic, never heard of before avian disease kills you.

Trick or, …well, viewed in this light….trick.
A.

What in the blazes?

I need to share this with you bcause if I wouldn’t, my wife would find me tomorrow with my head caved in, eyes rolled into the back of my skull, my brain, in attmept to flee these thoughts, is then dangling out of my nose, and all because of this shit!

image

《 Oh the wondrous discoveries of grocery shopping. (f.l.t.r.: apricot-dumpling JUICE, applestrudle JUICE, basil seeds drink [rosepedal-cherry flavor], chia seeds drink [lime-ginger “flavor”])》

What is this stuff used for? Summoning demons in some weird vegan witch circle?
Is it used to mind control people, some weird MK Ultra?
Did they really mix/press/mush chia/basil seeds?
Why?
Does this attract aliens? Or repel sasquatsh?

Did they honestly cook apricot dumplings, throw them in a power juicer and filled the result in bottles? Same with applestrudle.
Do they want to pump this through the embalmed remains of the emperor in the hopes of raising an applestrudle-vampire? And empress Elisabeth as an apricot-dumpling banshee?
If so, why?

Can it kill Werewolves? Or make the undead accept you as one of their own? Will you be able to communicate with ghosts once you consume all four?
Does this make a cocktail that can cure the common cold? Cancer? Will it make the four (or five) horsemen appear?
Will Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses appear, holding hands wishing for peace on earth, if you pour these four liquids in one spot?

Is this catering to hipsters, or dangerously deranged lunatics who should be put on watch lists if they purchase this? What kind of deranged juicers are considering this? Is this the effect of, and not the cause for, hell opening up?

These four products are the dumbest, most brain-inflammatory, aneurysm inducing things I have seen in a regular supermarket.
Especially stuff that says ‘Superfood’ on it…

Anyhow, thank you letting me share my otherwise lethal brainspasm, induced by illegally stupid crap.

Take care,
A.

Life ain’t that hard, Café

Going to a café pught to be a relaxing experience, unless you’re employed there. But of course, there are people, who make this a vivid nightmare with their intolerable behaviour.

It is not that difficult, avoid the following behaviour, to avoid serious consequences:

★If your order takes longer to recite than Edgar Allen Poe’s ‘the Raven’, rethink your life. This is a Café, not the poetry slam.
★In addition, if your order takes longer to prepare than to grow fraking coffee, kill yourself. I need caffeeine.
Now.
★Togo is an African country with 6.8 million people in it. Let’s leave it at that. Coffee “to go” is a “no go”. If you want coffee to go, you don’t need more caffeine or sugar, but THC to slow you the frak back down! Maybe a coffeehouse in Amsterdam is more right for you?
★If you want to get work done, (and can’t at home or the office for some reason) fine. Go find yourself a secluded room, or niche, somewhere, but if you’re sitting in the center of the main serving room, with your laptops or tablets, then you’re posing, you want to be seen (and talked to). But you’re NOT working.
★Apple products are for posers. Get a real computer. You sit there with an apple product, I know you’re just posing, not ‘creating’. I am at liberty to bludgeon you with your iShit until my arms get sore.
★Art discussions of ALL sorts belong to either a themed establishment, or a museum. You’re pretentious cunts. STFU.
★Gluten-, Lactose-, Sugarfree, Vegan… You have any (or worse, all) of this, then you will be disembowled with a wooden cooking spoon, right there at your table, streamed live with your iCrap!
★You have a manbun, and are not a Japanese man from the middle ages (or an actor currently portraying one) – better be Mokiki, or your head will be shaved clean after I have beaten you unconscious with your iDreck. Keep that repulsive ugly eyesore away from the public, you filthy creep.
★Decaff. Better make that decap, as in decapitated! You want coffee without the thing that makes coffee the magic stuff, you are not deserving of coffee. You are deserving of water. Stale water. But coffee without caffeine is like fun, without enjoyment. If you’re saying that you can’t drink caffeine this late and find sleep – go, sleep. Return in the morning. When you can appreciate the taste AND the caffeine, you pathetic, weak, whimp! You want coffee, or you don’t. But you can’t have coffee that isn’t coffee.
★Alcoholfree Beer. Listen, if you feel the need to drink stale piss, there are places these wishes can (and will) be granted. But please, do not drink this waste-sludge vapor where I can see it, or else that bottle will be used to beat and cut you.
★You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss….but dry humping is a felony, get out. Making out in public, no. It’s cute that you love (or at least desire) each other, but no one actually likes seeing that. Those who say they do, lie. So, again, kissing is okay, anything more than kissing (up to and including actual intercourse) is not okay. Get a room.
★Tipping is not a town in China. Why does this even need to be said this day and age? Tip, your fraking, waiter/waitress. Period.
★As always, keep your gods away from the public. (You fast? Stay home. Prayer time? Stay home. Need to make sacrifice? Stay home. Your clergy/faith doesn’t like what is served/done there? Stay home. etc.)

In conclusion, as always when writing behavioural guidelines for the semi public, just don’t act like a douche. Be a human being, act like Star Trek was reality (as in: BE KIND), and don’t make life harder than it actually is.

Take care,
A.

Observations 170415

On recent stop with the family in a Café I made an observation.

People who sit there with their notebooks or tablets, and “write” or “work”, are actually sitting there to be seen.
They’re not writing/working. They are presenting themselves.

If you are in an inspirational flow, in my experience, you couldn’t care less for your actual surroundings. You do not go and seek out a Café to get your work done.
Perhaps it wouldn’t disturb you if you were “in the zone” and the cluttering, muttering and other noisy air around you buzzing with distraction.
But generally – nope. Just there to be seen.

Another sickening symptom of our ill fated times. Instead of writing great novels, plays, poetry, or getting that presentation done, people prefer to sit in one of the noisiest surroundings imaginable, to be seen.

I weep for all that ill guided creativity flushed down the drain of modern pop culturual, self delusional, narcissism.

Written, as usual, on the subway. Inspired by 15 minutes sitting in a café, annoyed by the cluttering, muttering, mumbling, humming, faint echo music playing, steaming, knocking, mess that is a Café (which includes Starfbucks on this one occasion)
A.

Thesaurus Collection

When doing my Christmas Calendar research I stumbled upon a rather baffling trend.

SPELLING IT OUT.

I presnt you a collection of crap I didn’t want to put into the calendar, as it doesn’t fit the theme. But still, it is mind boggling. Who buys this and decorates his/her house and body with this shit?
Thesaurus fetishists? Illiteracy fighters?

Just imagine entering someone’s living room and these things are strewn around the walls and couch, some docile tune plays from those speakers, there is the mug with some steaming hot tasteless herbal tea, your host then enters the room sporting the T-Shirt and the hat…
What kind of weapon do you use to slay this foe of humanity? This retched hipster shit scum?

Dream 7-99 Depot erfahrung_worterbuch_definition_kissen-r20c9fc337b2a4e83b82a8367bb6e7c9a_i5fqz_8byvr_512 Family 9-95 NanuNana Hat 14-95 zazzle-de Hop 7-99 Depot Live 7-99 Depot Love 7-99 Depot
Mug 16-95 zazzle-de Speaker 19-95 zazzle-de t_shirt_worterbuch_definition_tshirt-r0023764aa91e4194b2b89c89b99765aa_804gs_512

I’d say, suffocate him/her in a pile of your feces…horrible, slow, painful and just like the things you saw – disgusting and tasteless…