Posts tagged ‘humor’

The wheels on the bus…

The other day in the bus:

I had just picked up my son from kindergarten, the bus had stopped at a red light and bus stop, the light turned green, we moved on, however, one car in the lane next to us honked at the driver in front of them to get moving, my son turns over in the direction of the honking car and yells for the entire bus to hear: “Stop with Tutu, or I’ll set you on fire!”

What is the correct parental response to this?

A high five?

Asking him where he picked THAT up?

Turning on Rammstein – Benzin?

I don’t know whether to be a proud dad, or to be worried. I don’t even know how to feel about this. There’s a delighted joy, there’s pride, but also worry and a bit of shame. (The people on the bus heard, they laughed, but surely also judged.)

FYI, I went with laughter, imagining a high five, and then asking him where he picked it up. He claimed he taught it to himself, that he’ll take a candle and burn the car…

Take care, A.


LATH Hand washing

Recently they exchanged the old soap dispenser in our office.

Instead of the sleek old one, where you pulled the lever to get some soap out, we now have one to push and it squirts out some foam.

So far, so shitty.

But. Apparently they think we’ve gotten so dumb from computer virus infections WE got, that we don’t know how to wash our hands anymore, or as if we haven’t been taught in preschool and/or by our (grand)parents.

No. We stupid keyboard monkeys need PICTOGRAMS to show us!

Listen, life really ain’t that hard: soap, hands, rub, rinse. Unless you’re a surgeon, then it’s more complicated, but for the rest of us, this’ll do.

If you have any defense for the pictogram soap dispenser, keep it in a dark orifice of your body.
Grown people, working at an office, shouldn’t need this.
People who are old enough to make financial decisions/transactions at a mall, shouldn’t need this.
No-one who is old enough to go to the restroom alone, should have need of this!

But in light of recent news stories, SJW issues, election results, and the overall state the western world is in, I guess these pictograms don’t penetrate far enough in our society…

Take care,

Death Metal Album Cover

Accidentally made a Finnish Metal Album Cover while taking a walk today. I’ll call it “Songs from the (torn out) heart” by the “Urban Saltminer“.

It’ll be about love.
And ice.
And salt.
While on fire.
Alone in the woods.
With and between skinned alive animals.
And entrails.
With bunnies… of death.

You know… one I haveb learned to pay a single instrument necessary for a METAL album…

Take care,

World Wide Warning

An acquaintance of mine got a passive aggressive note passed to him by a stranger in the tube. A world wide warning. That the internet is evil and that you should appreciate live music, paintings in galleries and conversations in the flesh.
I have a magic device in my hands as I write these lines, that allows me to listen to obscure African metal bands I could only listen to live if I invested a ludicrous amount of money (and time) to travel to some African country or another, while chatting with people on the other side of the globe and looking at paintings from the great masters, which I – again – would have to spend ludicrous amounts of money (and time) to gain access to. Carrying on my kindle an entire library worth of books, with no added weight. All while riding the metro. Or bus. Or sitting on the toilet.
Whoever thinks that only live encounters with art and people are worthwhile must lead a pretty boring (and/or expensive) lifestyle. Heading from encounter to encounter, with vast stretches of nothing in between.
Hey Mr. In-the-flesh, take your world wide warning and take it with you in your warm filthy hipster holes. I believe I have seen more than you did.

Take off the nostalgia goggles of times before you were born, those times had their shit sides too. (Coldwar, anyone?)

Take care,

Iss it’s only a theory.

“It’s only a THEORY!” It’s the battle cry of those people so far beyond the Dunning-Kruger that you couldn’t find them with the worlds most powerful teleskope/microscope.

This is a declaration of mental bankruptcy. These people cling to their beliefs as if it were a lifesaver in stormy seas after their boat sank. You cannot educate them on the difference between theory and hypothesis, or more specific, the difference between “theory” in scientific and colloquial use. 

Whether it is evolution, germs, gravity or big bang, or something else. Whenever someone says/writes “But it’s only a THEORY!”, presumably with a victorious shit eating grin on their face, you know they have quit the discussion. 

You have won. 

By default.

Whatever else comes out their mouth, is irrelevant and warrants no attention, let alone debate. 

In scientific terms, a theory is factual. Tested extensively. 

It is true.

Any theory that doesn’t hold up to rigorous testing, becomes a discarded hypothesis. 

It is funny though, you know? Just a century or so ago these people would’ve been the village idiots. Never would they have children, never would they breed and pass on the idiocy. Everyone would’ve laughed at them. 

But now, they have internet access, and gather in groups, accumulating their collective anti-knowledge in a celebration of cerebral abstinence. And they breed. And they vote. 

Anyway. Just rest comfortably in the knowledge that you have won any argument by default as soon as these words are uttered. (If it is about a scientific theory that is)

Take care,



Imagine you’re walking a street – any innocuous urban street – and about two meters in front of you walk two guys.
In the olden times they’re regular old smokers. They smoke as they walk. You would’ve gotten a whiff of their smoke and to a degree you could even tell the brand. At least whether they’re smoking cheap or expensive tobacco.
These days, they vape. As they walk. You get a cloud of scented shit in your face. The artificial chemical approximation of ‘apple’, or ‘vanilla’, or something else that it doesn’t smell like.
We get it.
You vape.
It’s hip these days. But here’s a suggestion to all you vapers out there: grow a lung and either smoke like everyone else, or don’t smoke like everyone else.
But this steam bullshit ain’t going to cut it.
Research showed it is just as chock full of poison as traditional smoking, and you look like a colossal dipshit doing it.
The clouds you leave behind smell like a unicorn fucked a potpourri turned into vapor.
This is vegan sausage all over again.
Either you want to be a vegan, OR you eat sausage. Either you smoke, OR you don’t.
Decide. But don’t try to dance on both weddings at the same time, ruining the fun for everyone.
Take care,

Raw Water

The newest fad from the “wholesome”* crowd.
In short it is untreated water.
The chief lunatic behind this looks like he is in bed with the headspace idiot – both metaphorically and literally. How many people have died from dysentery and cholera from untreated “clean looking” water since the turn of the millennium alone (let’s ignore Oregon trail times)?
What baffles me is, how did we get from “We don’t want untreated water that the deer, bears and forest hermits piss and shit in” to this shit??
How did we get from “We want hospitals with nurses, doctors, clean sheets, vaccines and medicine” to “better chew on some rabbit droppings, drink turpentine and bleach, smear mud on the wound”???
This is your flock of black sheep, political left, these are your people. Reign them in, otherwise the political right wins.

It is cases like this I ask myself why I am burdened with a conscience. I could design neat jugs and sell virgin water – untreated spring water that big titted blond virgins bathed in before it was bottled. Improves your health, increases your attractiveness for women, and your sexual stamina for men.

I’d be rich.
Filthy rich.
Excuse me.
I have to draft a few things and apply for a loan…
Take care, A.
*bat shit crazy, without insulting bats, feces our people no longer in possession of their faculties