Posts tagged ‘joke’

The exclusivity is gone…

Beach dunes where the resorts AREN’T

Well.

In a location like Bibione, there was no real exclusivity to begin with:

•There are more guest beds than people

•One resort hugs the other

•The beach is worse than an egg laying factory

•Glass refuse is collected at 10pm

•Without any knowledge of the local language (Italian), or English (second language), armed just with my native tongue (German), I could’ve gotten by.

But still. There was a tiny sliver of exclusivity.

So. I took a bike ride to the lighthouse, and then through the forest.

Insects sound foreign.

Smells are similar to the woods at home, but still foreign (coastal).

Sounds are generally foreign.

Then a trail lead off the beaten track.

A nice coast opened up, along a river flowing into the sea.

I hadn’t seen a car for what felt like AGES.

What do I see parked there?

A car.

A lone car, far from any (official) road.

Not only was it from my home country.

No.

From my hometown!

Some five hundred (547.5 to be exact) kilometers from home, away from the resorts, of the beaten track and the roads, through an abandoned village,

along a scenic coast (once the resort beaches were gone), what do I find???

The same fucktards I have at home.

The exclusivity is gone, lost so permanently it will never come back.

Thanks, asshole.
A.

Vacationers…

Standing on our hotel balcony, I hear a sudden splashing noise.

I take a look.

This German (!) Couple just parked moments earlier, and I had assumed to check in.
No. At least not right away.

They transported their canoe on their car roof with the opening up (!), no cover, not upsidedown like anyone with common sense would. (Hey, Germans hike through the Alps in sandals and flip flops, so what am I expecting?)

Now, it seems, that the rain somewhere along their route, filled the canoe with water, so that they had to stop and empty it.

Does he empty it with a cup, or something like a cup/bucket?
No.
Are they taking it off of the car roof, to empty it out on the ground?
No.

He’s using a sponge.
A fucking sponge!
Reach in, soak up, take out, squish, splash, repeat.

I’m out.
This is nuts. This is exactly the type of person that hikes in near vertical mountains with Flipflops on. The kind of person that is aggravated that the ocean is actually saltwater. Someone who thinks sunscreen is for babies, and then turns red as a lobster.

Once the canoe was empty, or emptied out enough, they took it off of the car and checked into the adjacent hotel.

Take care,
A.

Advertising, again

Advertisers the world over celebrate the fact that I’m not in power of a world wide government.

Why?

Because I would outlaw advertising.

But that isn’t what irked me to do today’s post.

It was a cross promotion I was bothered with on YouTube lately.

A Star Wars Solo and Car cross promotion.

First off, if your goated to see that good awful movie because of this, all hope for you is lost. All hope for you lineage is lost.

Secondly, if you’re prompted to purchase that car because the advertising was affiliated with Star Wars… then get into that car, start the engine, find a nice steel reinforced concrete wall, and drive into it at top speed.

I know, the advertising sluts are banking on the cliche nerds in their mid thirties to early forties, who had to move out of their parents basement and now need/want a car. But they fail to realize that THOSE Star Wars nerds, HATE the new movies.

All in all it is a sign of failure.

You buy that ticket, you lose (money and time).

You buy that car, you lose (money and dignity).

You made this advert, you lost (dignity, money, trust, customers, time)

Really, I hope that everyone involved in this gets some repugnant skin disease that mutilates their faces for eternity.

Take care, and stop advertising, really.

A.

Tu Felix Austria

There’s this hospital being built in my home town of Vienna: Hospital north.

The price tag nearly doubled, it’s opening date postponed several times.

But that is not of the issue.

Recently ONE additional item about that hospital came to light with the hefty price tag of 95,000 Euro.

“What was it? An improved Heli-pad?” no my friends, nothing so simple, mundane and practical.

A FUCKING PROTECTION CIRCLE!

For 95,000 Euro a “consultant” was hired to “integrate the plot with mother natures energy flows” and “draw a protective circle” around it.

95k for woo.

If it was a private hospital catering to the rich, but delusional goop-buying crowd, I wouldn’t care. But it is a public hospital. Paid for with tax payer money. And mandatory pubic health insurance money.

WOO!

The city councillor responsible for these matters (who should be fired over this) didn’t know Jack about this, and had tasked the leader of the hospital department (who should be fired over this) to find the one responsible for this, who was then transfered (I hope that is code for “she was be fired over this).

No one, not one, of the RESPONSIBLE people actually feel responsible, and they claim to know nothing of this.

In the end one of of these neuron deficient weasels will stand there and say in an apologetic tone “I take full responsibility.”

YOU HAD IT THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME!!!

It sounds like the plot to some springtime-for-Hitler esque comedy starring Tim Allen, or an onion piece. But this is real folks.

In middle Europe.

A modern, western country.

Not some third world country that until last night was still hunting witches.

No.

AUSTRIA.

EUROPE.

What irks me the most about this is the implicitness with which all of this is reported. As if a “realignment with mother natures energy flows” and “protection against negative influences” was something that is being done with every plot, every building site. If some rich trouser stain is doing this for his estate – knock yourself out.

In that case I’d be rooting for the fraud. Take the rich fucks money! Take as much as you can carry.

But this?

PUBLIC money, for a PUBLIC hospital.

The guy who did all that (funny name, “Fasching” loosely translated “ Carnival”) was a car dealer before he turned esoteric. Why he stopped being a car dealer? His superiors pressured him too much to make a profit.

Oh. They would be so proud.

He sold a bunch of nothing and got paid massively for it.

In addition to the aforementioned bullshit he also held a seminar (or a few) for the higher-ups (who should all be fired over this) of the one-fine-day-to-be hospital.

None of them said anything or raised an alarm.

Not one said “I’m going back to doing actual work, you’re gone in five or I’ll call the cops and the press.”

95,000 Euro for absolutely nothing!

A councillor from another party stated in an interview that it is a shame that a hospital, a place of science, is involved with such woo.

I agree.

But, as a side note,

A – you are from the Christian party. Shut up.

B – there’s a homeopathic walk in clinic at Vienna’s AKH (common hospital) – paid for with, you guessed it, TAXPAYER and mandatory public health insurance money.

I am aggravated, outraged, and in the mood for murder, but: I am not surprised.

Fuck me sideways.

There are tribes yet uncontacted-by-civilisation in the Amazon who laugh at us over this! There are bush-people tripping on mushrooms (or the likes) with a more firm grip on reality.

It isn’t just a shame, this warrants a wave – a tsunami – of people getting fired (WITHOUT PAY, that is being kept to balance the 95k out!) to ensure that the idiocy is rooted out. “Cut healthy tissue close to the tumor away too doc, better safe than sorry.”

I think I will draft a letter to the city council:

As chairman of the darkmage society of austria, I demand 94,999 euro, or we will destroy the protection circle and flood the hospital grounds with negative energies, we are many, your puny trickster can not stop us.

If they resist and say how they will know that we have destroyed the protection I’ll answer how they know that it hasn’t. “We have the guarantee of the man who made it.”

“You have my guarantee against it.”

Word against word.

Insanity against insanity.

Take care,

A.

Crappy Halloween 2017

Holy fucking pumkin on fire!

Normally I’m quite fond of owls, but this abomination had stared into the abyss too long, is now the devourer of souls, as the abyss is staring through your soul, seeing you more exposed than naked.

Decorate your house with this, the kids won’t be frightened away, but will be tormented until eternity ends. Gift this, and you can strike one name off your list of enemies.

Crappy Halloween.

Pre Christmas Terror.

In this hallowed time of Halloween, horror and terror are the good tone. 

But what I have in store for you will shock the bravest souls, terrify the most hardcore horror aficionados. It will drive insane those who are too weak, will test the strength of those with minds and functioning reason. 

I present

The advent calendar from the mirror universe. Where the dreadful, drab and dreary emojis are called emotis, and where they are considered to be funny. You know the place. Where Spock wears a goatee. Where Trump is the good president, and Obama was shitty. Where Fox is the liberal news outlet. Where the prequels were actually any good and firefly ran for a few seasons. 

Do you dare stare into this abyss, or do you fear it will stare into you?

The care,
A.

Cooking Pro-Tips II

 For real men there’s no such thing as too much cocoa.

Thirty years later…

 For real men there’s no such thing as too much coffee.

Crappy Birthday in June

Know a smoker? Hate the living crap out of that fucker? Want to gift him/her with the worst curse from Pandora’s box – false hope?


Lucky you! 

This cigarette case, with the hopeful message of survival, whilst containing suicide in small doses, is the perfect gift for this occasion. 
Crappy birthday,

A.

Mother’s day 2017

Been to a gift shop, found these “innocent” party masks. 

I have seen that movie. Those three are going to have their way with a woman in an all night ravaging orgy. 

So, there’s a gift idea for this Sunday’s mother’s day 2017: If you don’t know mommies three “best friends”, just give her these masks, she’ll make good use of them. 

Crappy Mother’s day, and if you get a new sibling in February, and your mommy calls them an animal name like rabbit, deer or teddy/bear – you’ll know more than you ever wanted…

Advices (part I?)

I am usually not one to browse the advice columns, and even if I per chance glimpse one or two funny things in there, I just quip about it with my wife and my best friend, and then it’s done.

But this time I’ve got to steal a format from Buckley. 

Dear anybody but the lunatic, 

I recently caught my fiancé and his sister together and broke up with him. I’d always gotten a strange feeling about their closeness, but I didn’t believe it until I saw with my own eyes. To my family and friends, it seems like I woke up one morning and decided not to get married. Everyone is pushing me to work things out with my fiancé. Initially, I wanted to keep what I saw between them and me. If I tell people they have an incestuous relationship, it would probably destroy their lives. I know they’re barely functioning and terrified I will tell people about them. I’m worried I will seem spiteful if I tell even a few trusted loved ones the real reason I called off the wedding. At the same time, I’m heartbroken too and don’t know how much longer I can handle lectures about “letting a good man get away.” Should I stay quiet or speak up?

Signed, let’s call her Lonesome in Lannisport.

(Note: The original advice columnist suggested at the end to tell people that the fiance was unfaithful and to leave it at that, as it contained enough truth.)

Dear Lonesome,

call me an evil maniac or a vengeful shitlord, but I’d say that you should tell them.
Tell your friends, your family, their family, the local newspaper, church congregation, everyone. 

If I got cheated on in preparation to our weeding, I’d make both their lives living hell. Siblings in an incestuous relationship, makes that only that much easier, as no one in their right mind would defend their behavior. You know, there is always some friends, relatives, counselors, or someone who side(s) with the cheater, rather than the cheated. Making up excuses. Trying to get you, the cheated, to see things from their, the cheaters, point of view. Not here.
We have a Jamie and Cersei situation here, and this ain’t Game of Thrones. Don’t be worried that it’ll ruin their lives if you tell. THEY should’ve thought about that before doing the dance with no pants together, and brought that all upon themselves. You on the other hand will get support from your community (friends, relatives, bla bla bla) instead of pressure, and they get what they deserve.

So please, tell them the whole truth, before a Geoffrey gets conceived. 

Take care, 

A.