Posts tagged ‘laundry’

An open letter

An open letter to the wasp that was just buzzing around my laundry rack, ready to fuck shit up.

Life ain’t that hard, laundry

Have you ever wondered what to do, surrounded by mountains of stained underwear and trousers that stood all by themselves?

It ain’t rocket science, people, it’s fairly simple:
1. Go through your dirty laundry, look for anything woolen, knitted, silk – burn it! That shit needs special attention, and we don’t do special treatments!
2. Divide the rest into two piles: brights and darks. If you are not sure whether something is bright or dark, it’s dark.
3. Take the first pile to the laundry machine, and fill the drum. DO NOT STUFF IT!
4. Fill in detergent, take antibacterial one, or else step 2 needs more steps. If using liquid detergent, take a cap full, if it’s the powder, take a third of that enclosed measuring shovel. Anything else is already portioned.
5. Drying. On the label there ought to be a square with a circle,  if it is crossed out, hang the piece. Drying rack, clothes line, noose, I don’t care.
Everything else – tumble dryer! If ot has the label OK and a print on it (Band T-Shirts for example), turn it inside out (or “from the left” as the jargon goes)
6. Ironing … you pretentious prick, can’t get enough, can you? Alright, because I am service oriented: Ironing, set up the board, turn on the iron, put item on the board, iron. DON’T LEAVE THE HOT IRON ON A PIECE!

See?
Ain’t that a breeze? Now go and wash yourself….
Oh.
My.
Gods….

A.

Crappy Birthday in June

image

If your entire family has birthdays this month, then you’re in luck!

I present you, the unholy trinity of crap!

A plush toy for kids with no imagination, the DVD for people with no life, and the room spray for families with no taste.

Yes it’s a plush roast chicken, with detachable legs, on a velcro spot. A thing I wouldn’t have wanted to play with as a kid, as I couldn’t eat it. For the very same reason I hated plastic fruit. Playing make believe is one thing, creating roast chicken plushies is another.

Then the DVD, laundry machine impressions. It is exactly what you think it is.
Laundry machines, … washing laundry! If watching paint dry is too riveting, here’s the answer!

Finishing off this month with the Chicken Soup RoomSpray.
What can I say that hasn’t been said millions of times? Imagine entering the bog after your uncle Rob had a particularly nasty dump, and your nostrils are pleasantly surprised to find the odor of chicken soup lingering in the air! Makes rubbing one out that much more pleasant!
In addition, try imagining if this roomspray was advertised for like a Calvin Kline perfume. Two skinny mouthbreathing people who only speak in whispers: “Desire meets the tastebuds. Chicken and hunger. Passion and the soup. Chicken for nose, soulfood in the air.”
Crappy Birthday!

Life ain’t that hard: Raising kids!

Don’t get me wrojg, it’s a hell of a job, it’s taxing and it IS hard.

But people make some kind of dramatical fuzz about this, as if no one before them had ever raised a child.

Basically it all boils down to a few key issues:
-Feed your kid!
Obvious, isn’t it? At first you give the baby milk, later (~6months) you introduce food, wane milk, only food. Ain’t that hard, eh? Just keep it balanced between healthy and sinfully tasty. And remember, humans are omnivores, not herbivores. Raising a kid on a vegan diet is harmful!

-Keep your kid clean.
Doesn’t sound too hard. You can learn the basics from every other movie out there that has a Baby in it. From there on out, it is a path of “Obvious-shite”. Changing diapers (you’ll get the hang of when it’s full), washing/bathing/showering, dressing, in between clean up jobs (sticky fingers, are just the beginning of a wonderful dirt journey!), keeping the laundry clean. Not, that, hard. Really.

-Parenting.
This is a vague term. What I want to say with this is, that you need to do some hard labour: Rules, Rewards and Punishments.
Yes. RRnP.

This is the sole reason why I write this.
There is a new parenting … thing, in the german language bubble, that I would translate as “unraising”.

These people stipulate that “raising” in and of itself is an act of aggression, a form of violence, in which one party (parents) put’s itself above the other party (kid/s), and then forcefully raises them. That the notion of parents having to protect, and look out for, their kids, is equal to “the white mans burden” (for those of you who have failed history class: having to protect the primitive/savage people in the colonies from themselves), and that “raising” in any way, shape or form is undemocratic, and is against equality…
Therefore they are against any rules, any intervention from the parents or someone else, in the development of their kids.

Well. Let me start with the lack of rules.
Listen, they took plant seeds to space, to see how they fare in zero G (=lack of any rules). It didn’t fare well. Plants, as it sems, need, other than light to guide them, gravity. They need the rules of UP and DOWN, to know where to grow to. Children need, other than food, also rules, to know what to grow into. A savage that doesn’t know right from wrong, just doesn’t fly well.

Raising is not a form of violence, claiming this is like saying gravity is a form of violence. Every animal is being raised. Every animal has social rules, and unless you’re a creature that is abandoned at birth (or as an egg), you are being raised! Always!

Parenting, a family, is NO democracy. There is NO equality.
Period!
My child is not equal to me in decisions that affect the entire family, or him. I cannot (and would not), for example, let him eat only candy.
If I had a daughter I would not allow her to leave the house in a skimpy outfit at twelve years of age.
I am the parent, I have knowledge, and experience.
Therefore, I am the one making rules. End of story. If you neglect your duties as a parent, BTW, the government has the right AND THE DUTY to take the child/-ren away from you. So allowing your twelve year old daughter out at 2am in a skimpy outfit might get your daughter taken away from you – if you’re lucky…

Again. Life ain’t that hard, raise your kids. Parenting is hard work, but is not something that will ruin you or your spirit. Countless generations before you did it, and will in the future.

Sure, it is important to provide room for your kid to grow into, but it also important to coarse it away from turning into a boar. There just is no future for a person that is unwilling to work, gets up at 1pm, and perhaps shits himself because going to the loo is too much of an effort. That’s what raising provides, a future, a guideline, and rules. As said above, RRnP.

I leave you with the fail of “unraising” parenting, and a desperate cry for attention and rules, I hope it’s a hoax, but at this point…

“My son (10) stopped going to school, five weeks ago. I can’t talk him into going again. Since he stopped, he started wetting and pooing himself. He doesn’t wanna talk or leave his room. Talking with him requires you to go into his room and sit beside him when he’s at the computer or in bed, but the stench is unbearable. I don’t know what to say to him anymore.”

Again, raise your fucking kids! It’s not that hard.
A.