Posts tagged ‘Life ain’t that hard’

Life ain’t that hard, gardening

Having a garden, or sufficiently large balcony to pot some plants, might get you to try your hand at gardening.
But if you listen to the people who do it, it sounds like fraking rocket science. Especially the hippy type characters who run a gardening blog or shit like that.

Life ain’t that hard, it’s simple. Really it is, plants have been on land longer than any animal has, so that shit knows how to propagate, right?

Step 1 – take your seed or seedling that you obtained from a trusted source of your discretion, put it in soil. Boom. Finished.
Step 2 – care for it like you would a pet. Give it some daylight (you’ll either figure it out how much, or have just one option on your balcony), plenty of water (don’t drown it, don’t dry it up) and
Step 3 – feed it. Yes, feed it. Fertiliser! Either purchase some of your choosing, or make your own (kitchen scraps, anything that decomposes but if you are smell aware, don’t use meat, diary products or the like. Plants are essentially cannibals.)
Step 4 – Plants. Reap your harvest, or enjoy your pretty flowers, what have you.
Step 5 – Rinse and Repeat. Unless you have perennials.

There, saved you a ton of browsing through the internet and getting confused by the Hippies. If anyone tries to shove shit down your pipe about gardening, referr them to this list.
Consise, and true.

PS:
Step 6 (throw it in there somewhere) – Pest control. Unless you are running a farm, trie and use natural pest control. ladybugs eat mites. Salt kills and deterrs snails. And so on. Don’t whip out the “nukes” unless you make a living off of your gardening.

Have fun,
A.

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Life ain’t that hard, Suggestions

I don’t know if I wrote about this before, or just drafted this shit in my head.
And if I already spewed my poison in this regard, I don’t care – this shit irks me again, right now.

Suggesting shit to people ain’t that hard. It basically boils down to two options:

1.: If you know the fuckers, have spent a lot of time with them, make suggestions based on THEIR taste. Whether that is music, games, movies, TV shows or (god forbid in the 21st century) books, or blogs, vlogs, podcasts, etc.!
2.: You find something so outrageously good, you just have to tell other people about it, and suggest they give it a try themselves.

There is no way a soulless, braindead algorithm is able to suggest anything to you, me or anyone else on the planet (or the entire universe), anything. (Unless it is a true AI, in which case the above checklist applies to the true AI as well)

I know these algorithms out there look into what I liked, what I am following, what I bought or claimed I already own, and base their suggestions to me based on their data, but these algorithms are utter, diarrhetic, feces.
They never hit the spot.
NEVER!
Relentlessly they keep barfing out worthless crap after worthless crap, after worthless crap, after worthless crap.
Unrelated in every and any sense to what I like, to what I am following, to what I bought/own(ed).

Dismiss, Dislike, Flag, Report. They keep coming back, but maybe if enough of us tell the people making these algorithms that they made a huge mistake, maybe they’ll stop….or tweak the algorithms until they have a virtual friend AI that truly knows us, and rule 1 applies….

Until then, do not suggest me anything unless rule 1 or rule 2 applies to the fullest!

Take care,
A.

Life ain’t that hard, Café

Going to a café pught to be a relaxing experience, unless you’re employed there. But of course, there are people, who make this a vivid nightmare with their intolerable behaviour.

It is not that difficult, avoid the following behaviour, to avoid serious consequences:

★If your order takes longer to recite than Edgar Allen Poe’s ‘the Raven’, rethink your life. This is a Café, not the poetry slam.
★In addition, if your order takes longer to prepare than to grow fraking coffee, kill yourself. I need caffeeine.
Now.
★Togo is an African country with 6.8 million people in it. Let’s leave it at that. Coffee “to go” is a “no go”. If you want coffee to go, you don’t need more caffeine or sugar, but THC to slow you the frak back down! Maybe a coffeehouse in Amsterdam is more right for you?
★If you want to get work done, (and can’t at home or the office for some reason) fine. Go find yourself a secluded room, or niche, somewhere, but if you’re sitting in the center of the main serving room, with your laptops or tablets, then you’re posing, you want to be seen (and talked to). But you’re NOT working.
★Apple products are for posers. Get a real computer. You sit there with an apple product, I know you’re just posing, not ‘creating’. I am at liberty to bludgeon you with your iShit until my arms get sore.
★Art discussions of ALL sorts belong to either a themed establishment, or a museum. You’re pretentious cunts. STFU.
★Gluten-, Lactose-, Sugarfree, Vegan… You have any (or worse, all) of this, then you will be disembowled with a wooden cooking spoon, right there at your table, streamed live with your iCrap!
★You have a manbun, and are not a Japanese man from the middle ages (or an actor currently portraying one) – better be Mokiki, or your head will be shaved clean after I have beaten you unconscious with your iDreck. Keep that repulsive ugly eyesore away from the public, you filthy creep.
★Decaff. Better make that decap, as in decapitated! You want coffee without the thing that makes coffee the magic stuff, you are not deserving of coffee. You are deserving of water. Stale water. But coffee without caffeine is like fun, without enjoyment. If you’re saying that you can’t drink caffeine this late and find sleep – go, sleep. Return in the morning. When you can appreciate the taste AND the caffeine, you pathetic, weak, whimp! You want coffee, or you don’t. But you can’t have coffee that isn’t coffee.
★Alcoholfree Beer. Listen, if you feel the need to drink stale piss, there are places these wishes can (and will) be granted. But please, do not drink this waste-sludge vapor where I can see it, or else that bottle will be used to beat and cut you.
★You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss….but dry humping is a felony, get out. Making out in public, no. It’s cute that you love (or at least desire) each other, but no one actually likes seeing that. Those who say they do, lie. So, again, kissing is okay, anything more than kissing (up to and including actual intercourse) is not okay. Get a room.
★Tipping is not a town in China. Why does this even need to be said this day and age? Tip, your fraking, waiter/waitress. Period.
★As always, keep your gods away from the public. (You fast? Stay home. Prayer time? Stay home. Need to make sacrifice? Stay home. Your clergy/faith doesn’t like what is served/done there? Stay home. etc.)

In conclusion, as always when writing behavioural guidelines for the semi public, just don’t act like a douche. Be a human being, act like Star Trek was reality (as in: BE KIND), and don’t make life harder than it actually is.

Take care,
A.

Life ain’t that hard, communication

There are many things segregating the peoples of this earth. Culture and religion are two of the more deeply rooted ones.

Then there’s communication. 

It separates people from the same culture, religion and, yes, even the same fraking language.

Sugar coated, silver tongued words are incomprehensible to simple blokes (like me). Religious, bloated texts from the bronze age, are incomprehensible (and thus “true”) to anyone who lacks critical thinking.
The slang from the “ghetto” is nigh incomprehensible to the uptown folk.

But that isn’t what I want to adress here.

It’s the following shit, as usual with my solutions to the issues at hand:

■Emoji – Look, if you need to express yourself with god damn pictograms, move to ancient Egypt, or the Mayan Empire. If you need to ‘enhance’ your communication with those pictograms, you lack some essential communication skills, and should be forced to sit with your mental peers – in preschool.
■Failures at their native language – if you can’t make heads or tails of yojr native language (like “there”, “their” and “they’re” as well as other homophones), we get to beat your head with heavy thick books. Thesaurus, dictionaries, books with lots of words (and sentences, paragraphs, etc.) and no friggin pictures anywhere. (Afterwards you must read and study them!)
■Euphemisms – if you use terms that have no real world equivalent (“negative cash flow position” = broke; “fursona” = clinically insane; etc.), or any form of uber political correct language, I am going to cripple you.
And rightly so.
■Euphemisms II – in general, if you sacrifice comprehensibility on the altar of fancy speech, you lose. A small base is surely willing to follow you on your newspeak way, but the majority, isn’t. On occasion you troglodytes may utter a brilliant thing or two, but no one can understand your weird lingo!
■I don’t think it means what you think it means – You people keep using words without knowing what they mean. Before you believe someone hurling words at you that (should) scare/impress you, check those words in an actual dictionary, especially if your first impulse is to believe, or worse, repeat them (to others)! Unless you want to one day be beaten with said dictionary, in addition to making yourself look like a dumbass.
■Factcheck – if the words are used in the right context, please, before you spread factually inaccurate garbage, check the claims made in your communication. Don’t make up claims yourself. In case you don’t fact check or make up crap, it is YOU who looks like a dumb fool.
■Picture madness – if you only (or predominantly) convey shoddy information as (ill spelled/grammatically wrong) text in an image with a pseudo spiritual backdrop and imagery (or a “quote” with a picture of the “quoted”) your way of communicating is crappy. Stop communicating. At all.
■More language torture – writing in abbreviations or contractions. U kno m8? I will personally track you down and beat you with first grader books until you poop the reading rainbow! Read books, write like an adult!
■Decorations? – Did you notice this wird chicken scratch thing I keep inserting in my text? “,” – it’s called a comma. It is your friend. Use it. I may not be perfect, but I’m afraid I am better than thou, because I have had to sit through texts without any comma. Dear people who do not use commas: I will stab you in the eye!
■Signatures – I understand the need of E-Mail signatures. Inserting your contact info at the end of your Mail is common place. I do it in my private E-Mails with my social media gobshite, and at the office with the usual crap (Telephone, Fax, etc.) But if you add a disclaimer about third-party usage and so on, that is LONGER than your typical E-Mail, it’s obnoxious. If you add a passive agressive message (with hiroglyphs?) about your insecurities and selfrighteous ramblings about your life’s choices, I WILL find you, and I WILL hurt you.
■Phones – Short consise exchanges of Information. That’s what a phone call sbould be. The technology enables us to send a WHISPER around the globe, so, DON’T YELL!! You have a cellphone, pick up. If I repeatedly call and can’t reach you, I get to take away your cellphone and get you stuck with a landline again. Just so I can strangle you with the cord.
■(Tele)Fax – Stop using this out dated technology. Just stop. And if you insist on uaing it for some outlandish, primitive reason, make damn sure you have the right side facing the scanner, you wouldn’t believe how many empty faxes I have had to endure in my work.

There, was it really that hard?
Didn’t think so.
Now, get going in correct communication.

Take care,
A.

Life ain’t that hard, writing!

If you are like me, you can’t wait for an opportunity to hit the keys and type away, writing stories. Or grabbing a pen or other form of writing utensil.

All the more delighting, NaNoWriMo is coming up! Today!

But there we stumble into the most devastating issue of them all, people who make writing more complicated than it truly is.
So you get “helpful advice” and writing “tips” from people who co-wrote a book on How to Publish stuff, with an astonishing track record of having co-publisbed the book on How to Publish stuff.

Look people, writing ain’t that hard, here:

1. You make a schedule, you end up doing homework. Chores. Nothing with passion. If you have 5 minutes or more, write, ditch the schedule.

2. You make an outline, you will probably deviate so far from your outline, your outline describes another story. Keep it vague, if you do outline.

3. You find a place where you can write, and I assure you, you’ll either write about the magnificence of that place, or not at all because you are distracted by the magnificence of that place. (Stay away from Starbucks, you pretentious halfwitted sacks of wasted skin!)

4. Measuring anything is for dick measuring contests, not for writing. Creating pressure with a creative process is like demanding water to flow upwards (on its own). Unless you are a type-whore writing other people’s ideas, in which case, know that I despise you.

5. You ain’t never written anything longer than a page: do not write a novel. No discouragement intended, but start slow. Essays, Shortstories, and then you can start on the longer stuff.

6. Editorial is done AFTER writing. Don’t get yourself down with that stuff while writing, it can wait. Anyine telling you otherwise, is deliberately sabotaging you.

7. Forget it. Forget all of it. Not your story, or great story idea, but the advice. The aforementioned six points, other people’s “helpful advice”. Forget all of it.
If you have the creative genius inside you, you will write. Pen on paper, stick in clay, on computers of all sizes, in the woods, the bog, in the streets, … doesn’t matter. If you have that spark, you will write. Before, during and after NaNoWriMo, for the occassion, or completely unrelated. You don’t need any of these oh so helpful advises, none of the wisecracking dipshits who co-published a book on how to defecate properly in public.
So, forget it. Unless you don’t have the creativity, in which case I must inquire why you … well. Everyone has dreams.
Go at it.

Take care,
A

Life ain’t that hard, (public) toilets.

Problems with public toilets have been a reoccurring theme in our society.

As usual I am here to help!

It is simple:
•Excrete your feces into the bowl and leave them there.
•Urinate into the bowl, or the Urinal. Unsteady stream? Sit down.
•Wiping is done utilising toilet paper, not bare hands, socks or other things.
•Regurgitate directly into the bowl if possible.
•Ejaculate into a piece of toilet paper, nowhere else, if you are alone, that is.
•Bleeding, change your tampon, or call an ambulance, but don’t bleed freely everywhere.
•Flush. No, seriously, FLUSH!
•This is a no smoking area, there’s  methane in the air!
•Shooting yourself up with drugs is never good, but particularly bad here.

Print this out if you need or want to.

One last word of advice:
Feces, Urine, Vomit, Semen, Blood – none of these are an accepted source for painting the stall and ceiling over with. If you have uncontrollable artistic urges, bring a sharpie.
If you want to experiment with your fetishes, do it at home or a close friend’s house. Really close.

Life ain’t that hard, see?

Take care,
A.

Life ain’t that hard, driving!

image
Driving – if you’re not sitting in public transportation, writing away like I do, and you’re not one of the bicycle creeps, then you’re probably a driver.

And driving ain’t that hard to do:
1. Get in the car
2. Fasten the seat belt
3. Start ignition, start engine
4. Keep to the speed limits, on the correct side of the road
5. Get were you’re going
6. Stop engine, open seatbelt, leave car
7. Lock the doors

Trust me, maybe I don’t have a drivers license, but if you adhere to these simple steps, you too can avoid adding to the horrendous number of traffic related deaths.

But wait! There is more.
• TURNSIGNALS are not an invention of commnist-nazis
• “check your engine” lights are not decorative elements
• music for driving should neither be sleep-inducing, nor aggravating
• calling, texting, shaving, applying make up, sexual activity, drinking, eating, smoking – is all okay, as long as you’re stationary and not moving (mind local law)
• DUI (alcohol, weed, other drugs both legal and not) just don’t
• you’re on public roads, not the Nürnberg ring, act accordingly.

and of course the obligatory stuff:
• battery!
• check your tires (pressure, presence)
• mind the oil
• watch the fuel gauge (gas stations are your friend)
• on long drives, take rest (or turns)
• with cargo tie everything down as if a tornado came

As usual, don’t forget, take care,
A.