Posts tagged ‘loud’

BTH – ASMR…

Why is this even a thing?

These are people who do not know how to use a microphone: they’re breathing into one as if they wanted to either swallow, or make sweet sweet love to it.
That is NOT how you use a mic, dumbass.

I’m not one to deny others their kink, far from it, but you wankers want the “girlfriend experience” – without the “experience” part.
You see, afaik, some prostitutes offer “the girlfriend experience” (for extra of course), and then you get cuddling, kissing, sweet talk, and what not (I imagine). There you get an actual experience.
With this crap you get no experience.

If I were one to go on business trips around the globe, so when I lay my weary CEO head down to cry on a cushion stuffed with stacks of cash while I pleasure myself to sleep, my beloved trophy wife is not able to lull me through it on the phone thanks to timezones, I’d have her breathe into a mic for half an hour, nude, and then play that video back to me.
I am not.
These people are not near and dear to me.
On the polar opposite.
They are complete and utter fraking strangers!
Making all of this a little creepy…

I would almost understand this, if it were porn [porn-porn. Not this brain-porn crap that someone equated this bullshit to]:
A naked chick (or guy, what have you), giving an imaginary protagonist (the camera) a POV girlfriend experience.
With sweet talk, breathing into a microphone, sensual descriptive talk about what they ‘are doing’ with you, complete with ‘noise’.

But this is people breathe-talking in the most annoying fashion possible [not whispered, not spoken, but the dimwitted bastard offspring of the two, that’s too loud and pronounced to be soothing or comfortable, but too low and hushed to be easily intelligible], making noise too close to the microphone [if I for example were to crave the sound of a girl brushing her long long hair, I want to hear it like normal people hear it, not the way a mic taped to the back of the brush picks it up!], and saying the most ridiculously mundane crap ever [if you have no one in your life you can talk about bowel movements with, stop the ASMR, quit your busy job and get friends and/or a spouse, because that is what you NEED]!

Get outta here!

But note, after this election I understand everyone who needs to get relaxed in any way shape or form.

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Crappy Halloween 2016

Quoth the raven, “Fabulous!”

For the ghoulishly flamboyant Halloween party this year, from which even the uber tattooed grey-dyed organisers of hipster parties abstain in sheer terror of the loud horrors unfolding, comes this unreal aborted abomination from some Poe’ian nightmare realm.

The perfect piece of decor for the fiendishly vegan-sugar-gluten-lactosefree-superfood-anti-treats that will undoubtedly be handed out this year. This raven is what you get from that kind of diet, shortly before some exotic, never heard of before avian disease kills you.

Trick or, …well, viewed in this light….trick.
A.

Crappy Birthday in July


image

“Wear me, I’m a bear!”
This golden plushed, glamorous-flamboyant, surely malignant, loud abomination, is the newest footwear from the good folks at Adidas. And for a laughable prize of 89.99-110 Euros it can be yours.

If you know someone who needs to express their extravaganza in the most “glamboyant” way, so loud that Ray Charles and Elton John both are screaming in agony for that person to take their shoes off, then this little piece of plush and cloth with rubber sole is for you.
Yes. It is for men. Grown men, not little boys, not girls.
MEN.
The kind of men whose taste is so askew that it makes others believe a group of aliens has crashlanded and spawned that fella…

So if you need to give someone shoes, that will surely get them killed, and others around him infected with eye tumours – here. You’re welcome. Just watch for the smoke once shoes and wearer are set ablaze, plastic is unhealthy when burned…

Crappy Birthday!
A.

PS: Wanna get aay with murder? Strap these shoes on your victim, and ANYTHING that happened to the body will be considered suicide…