Posts tagged ‘love’

Love?

In the beginning man and woman met outside. While hunting. While foraging.

A clout over the head, drag her to the cave, bang the ever living daylight out of her until your doomseed spawns out of her. 
You know… 
Love.

Later men and women met in the social constructs beset on them by class. Arranged marriage, basically the same as in the beginning, without the clout. 
Later in time, they courted one another, talked, fell in love. Doomseed, yada yada yada.
You know…
Love.

In the mid to late 20th century that entire crap got too time consuming so the local classifieds popped up.
Men and women filled pages of the newspapers in small print, advertising oneself like some overripe fruit on a farmersmarket five minutes before they close for the long weekend. 
You know…
Love.

That was too time consuming too after a while, so some rabbi came up with speed dating. 
Your entire life, your achievements, hopes, dreams, aspirations, character, interests, and what not, distilled into a ten minute conversation with one another, and then go over the entire list – again.
You know…
Love.

Time is money, you don’t have an entire evening for this! 
Pour a condensed vision of that distilled “You” into an online profile and off you go!
You know…
Love.

But even that was inconvenient, since we didn’t have it on the go. So some shit like tinder, really was inevitable. Condensed distilled you, photo, swipe. 
You can do it on an elevator, riding the subway, taking a dump.
You know. 
Conven…err…”Love”…

And what did I read in a newspaper just the other day? 
THAT was too stressful for some New Yorkers! They OUTSOURCED their tinder-ing to someone else who is doing the swipe based fuck selection for them.
You know. 
Love?

It kinda reminds me of the entire Farmville crap. On Facebook, a place for the condensed distilled version of you that you choose to represent, you could play a game. Farmville. 
You know.
Fun.

That wasn’t good enough for people. So they HIRED others to play the game for them. On their Facebook. 
As them.
So some underpaid poor sods in a clickfarm somewhere in southeast Asia played as white middle class Facebook people, for some extra grain or geese. 
You know.
Fun?

This is in no way different. 
Something that should be deeply personal – fun and relaxation in one case, fun and romance in the other – something that is as convenient as fuck, something that can be done on the go, outsourced. 
“I have neither time not nerve for fun, relaxation, games, love, or procreation. Let someone else do it.”
You know.
“Life”.

If your life style (or “work-life-balance”) doesn’t allow for playing a fucking game, or the convenience based swipe partner selection, trust me, you won’t have time for your partner in the unlikely chance you ever even found one. Ultimately losing them again.
Which you probably wouldn’t even notice until they send you on mandatory vacation…
You know.
Shitty life.

Take care.
A.

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Happy Valentines

*sounding like Arnold Schwarzenegger*

I murdered a small woodla d creature, made a heart out of its carcass, for you! Because I love you!

Life ain’t that hard, love.

Since I’ve been reading in the newspaper recently about a new “edgy” dating show on TV, where the single individual and the applicants to win her heart, are all blindfolded and kiss, so she can, in the end, select one of the kissers based on his “oral”skills, despite never having seen one of them nor knowing anything about their personality, I have decided to break out the old advice column.

Look people, finding love isn’t that hard, to find someone to date, follow these simple instructions:

♥”To know where you’re going, you must know where you come from.”, meaning: define your own fucking interests! Write that shit down if you have to. (For example: “I like wading through manure naked, bathing in swine intestines and reading racist manifestos of psychotoc mass murderers.”)
♥Your standards are not everything. If you are single for a considerably long time (5+ years, I’d say; a year and a half is a hiatus, not a drama) and you desperately want to change it, but can’t seem to find the right one, maybe the problem isn’t “them”, but you and your standards. Tweak them. (For example, if you are looking for a super nerdy Taylor Swift lookalike that is into fat older guys whose most romantic activity is taking long walks on the beach in warcraft, and could name every character ever in Star Trek, Star Wars and Dr.Who – give up.)
♥Now that you have your interests and tweaked standards ready, go out. Meet people (of your preferred gender) and talk to them. During online dating just make sure that you’re chatting with whom you think you are. (Video chats are a thing.)
♥Do not fuck right away! Sure before you eventually invest a ton of time in the other person, or even consider marriage, you want to know whether they are any good in bed. On the second or third date. For the first one the following applies: You can kiss, but no fucking.
That’s desperate, or cheap. Which brings me to…
♥”I’m running this monkey farm now Frankenstein, and I want to know what the fuck you’re doing with my time?!” Meaning, don’t waste everybody’s time. You need someone who has brains. Let’s be honest, the purchase and maintenance of a blowup(fuck)doll is cheaper in the long run, than supporting a bimbo (of any gender) that looks good, but is dumber than dog shit floating on piss, who is good for one thing, and one thing alone – intercourse.
♥Times goes by. Do not rush things. If you get pregnant right away, or married after a month or two of you two meeting – shit might hit the fan! Take your time!
♥Pink glasses – it may irritate you if a jaded old frak like me says this, but of you don’t have the pink glasses feeling, you ain’t in love. Additionally, once the pink glasses feeling fades away, and the shininess of the relationship has been replaced by the same old routine, and you still couldn’t live without the other person – congratulations! That, is love.

There. Fixed that problem before it could fester and give you an inflammation of the heart. One last thing: a healthy, stable relationship needs trust, effort and work. You’ll need to compromise on many things, and share both laughter and tears.

Addendum:
Now I know that none of these “dating shows” are real. They’re highly scripted mini series depicting people with various damages to their psyche. But the idea(l)s and themes they transplant into people’s heads are real, and the consequences are. 
Stop watching any of this gobshite.

Take care, A.

The real gift! ^^

image

Here.
For just 9.99$ you can wear your heart out…on your legs.
Discreet and not visible to everybody that you’re in the Valentines mood, this is also not a death sentence for innocent flora, nor a possible diabetes overload in a heart shaped box.

This goes perfect with last Christmas’ Vajazzling! Nothing says “I love you” like silly knee socks and genital herpes from space.

A.

Beating the Hippies – Galactic Federation of Light

For a long time we have asked “Are we alone in the universe?”, well,
I have the answer.
There are Aliens out there, and they are just like us. I have irrefutable proof that they exist.

But not in the way you may think.
Let me explain.

There is a group of adults, believing in the existence of the “Galactic Federation of Light”.
Supposedly the federation was founded 4 Million years ago, to keep the darkness or evil in our galaxy at bay.
Then back in our 1995 they made peace with a coalition of former enemies (including “teh 3vil” reptilians called the “Anunaki”).

How does this benevolent, technologically superior federation of thousands of star systems, that has fleets upon fleets of ships waiting around our solarsystem, zipping about the universe, communicate with us?
Do they send Radiosignals?
No.
Do they send Light pulses?
No.
Do they send Microwave transmissions?
No.
Do they use Quantum Entanglement?
No.
Are they frequently landing?
No.
Are they just hacking directly our internet?
Also, no.

They are being channeled through/by some mediums.
Just picture Deana Troy, sitting on the Bridge of the Enterprise D, communicating mentally with Talaxians in the Delta Quadrant, turning to Captain Picard telling him that the federation needs to help them out of their predicaments – and you’re there.
That is how this is working.

Any alien race capable of interstellar (-galactic) telepathic communication, would NEVER leave their homeplanet. They would discover shit in space by siphoning off knowledge from other races, if their curiosity is tickled, they’d send them there, without the space faring races ever getting a clue: “Hey Bob, I had an idea last night in a dream, let’s go over to that patch of space, I am feeling curious today!”
“Thats a radioactive nebula, Steve.”
“Exactly! Let’s go.”

To avoid extinction by some catastophe, they might hitch a ride on a ship, transporting them to a pristine world where they set up camp and continue staring off into the sky with a blank expression, after wiping the memory of their ferrymen.

But the people believing in the Galactic Federation of Lunies have not stopped there.
Not allnof the former enemies, are “former”, they are continuing their evil doing.
The shapeshifting reptilians that are still evil, are in Earth’s New World Order, but the GFoL is here to help.
They neutralise Chemtrails, clearup Oilspils and Nuclear radiation, counteract Nanotechnology in vaccines (!) as well as HAARP and so on and so forth.

Okay…?

So the fans of the GFoL (the ‘mediums’) have made pictures of these (immortal?) people from the GFoL…the humanoids of course. These are “pretty” people, drawn as if a twelve year old makes her first attempts at art by drawing her favorite manga/anime characters in an over all unsatisfactory manner. (Not that I could do it any better, but I ain’t drawing this crap telling everyone “That’s exactly what theu look like”)
But then there are people asking in earnest if that’s a real picture, or just a drawing/fake.
Are you kidding me? ARE YOU FRACKING KIDDING ME??
(Please note, when I was a wee lad I too thought “human person” when I heard “humanoid” on Star Trek, and was puzzled when an alien showed up, but now I know; BTW some of the drawings are expertly drawn, and I can’t shake the feeling that one of the people drawing for the Mormons defected to the GFoL crowd)

Listen, if some crazy guy sat down and said, that during a night of heavy mushroom abuse he built an apparatus with which he could communicate with the federation, unfortunately it broke after that one night – unlikely, and I’d still be doubt filled, but it’s a little closer to home. Instead we’re supposed to trust the ramblings of a few people about channellings?
Suuuure.
This is the level of psychosis you get when you take a right angled turn during a reality check.
Trust me, I’ve been there, it is not a happy place. They try to lure you in, like the men with the candy and puppy in the van.

The galactic Fed’s are also against barcodes and/or RFID chips, out of “fear” that we humans could get chipped – listen space elf, if you can fight vaccine-nanotech, HAARP, nuclear weapons, Chemtrails, and Fukushima radiation, without ever setting foot on this planet, you can turn off RFIDs remotely in under a second. Okay? Good.

All in all I can say only ome gpod thing about these people and their psychotic breakdown that is GFoL – at least their time scale is possible in this universe, unlike some other psychotic garbage. ahemxenuahem

Hey people, the universe called, it told me a secret, it is expanding, so it can get further away from you idiots.
With the expansion and growing age of the universe, more and more aliens out there reach the same level of development as we have, and that is why the universe expands faster and faster and faster. To get away from all these idiots as fast and far as possible.
Told I’ve got proof.
And I solved another mystery of physics – why the universe speeds up in its expansion.

Take care, and beat a hippie.
A.

PS: “Dear A., why is this in the BTH category? Sincerly, some1”
Hi some1, easy, google the GFoL, look at the pages. Love, light, peace, the grand motifs of the GFoL. Hippies. Space hippies.
Look at the colors these people use for their GFoL pages, and pictures – if that isn’t weed or even acid fueled IDK.
So, today, it is not BTH, but BTSH – Beat the space hippies…

Love, A.

Irregular post: Springtime madness

Eyes filled with crud, tearing up out of the blue. Nose is both dry and running at the same time, an tingling.
The back of the throat is raw, it feels as if an iron weight is placed on the lungs, the occasional cough feels as if a pack of cigarettes had been smoked in an hour.

No I did not catch a cold or the flu.

Allergies.

And let me say that I absolutely, positively, ferociously HATE spring. To others it may be the season of love and life – to me it’s a death trap waiting to finish me off.

Now if you excuse me, I have flowers and blossoms to burn…

Be my … EYECANCER!

EggFor all the hopeless romantics out there, desperate of bestowing a small defenseless lifeform on their beloved, but who are either unable to make babies happen, or are barred from doing so (by said beloved), there are two choices.
One: give them a real lifeform – not a VD – that might shit all over their home; which would result in any chances with the “beloved” melting away faster than snow thrown into a pit of lava;

or

Two: give them a small egg of hardened pink plastic with heartshapes. In and off itself already an eye soring cancer growth, one could keep until easter if no beloved is available at Valentines day.
BUT!
This is actually a remnant of the past. An archaeological “treasure” of electronic vomit inducers.
A Tamagotchi!
Yes, the cutesy, electronic, beeping nerve strain, constantly shitting in its egg, needing food and attention. It’s here for all those hopeless romantics who rub on people in the subway, as a distraction from all the beeping, buzzing, chiming and other electronic insanity that takes places in their pockets…