Posts tagged ‘paper’

Crappy Easter 1/4

It is that yime of the year again, the one where the highest Christian holiday is taking place!

Yes, you read that right. This one is the highest Christian holiday, not that disturbing massdelusion of consumerism in December (for which I still need to make an index).

Anyhow, let us celebrate today’s alleged crucifixion of Jesus Christ, by carrying around colored eggs in this abominable paper trashbag

image

In all honesty, the transfixed stare this bag sports, paired with the small, but definitely recognisable smirk is more the stuff of nightmares, than glee and joy. Better keep it away from the kids, unless your little snowflakes from hell are already psychologically disturbed little demon spawns…

Life ain’t that hard, (public) toilets.

Problems with public toilets have been a reoccurring theme in our society.

As usual I am here to help!

It is simple:
•Excrete your feces into the bowl and leave them there.
•Urinate into the bowl, or the Urinal. Unsteady stream? Sit down.
•Wiping is done utilising toilet paper, not bare hands, socks or other things.
•Regurgitate directly into the bowl if possible.
•Ejaculate into a piece of toilet paper, nowhere else, if you are alone, that is.
•Bleeding, change your tampon, or call an ambulance, but don’t bleed freely everywhere.
•Flush. No, seriously, FLUSH!
•This is a no smoking area, there’s  methane in the air!
•Shooting yourself up with drugs is never good, but particularly bad here.

Print this out if you need or want to.

One last word of advice:
Feces, Urine, Vomit, Semen, Blood – none of these are an accepted source for painting the stall and ceiling over with. If you have uncontrollable artistic urges, bring a sharpie.
If you want to experiment with your fetishes, do it at home or a close friend’s house. Really close.

Life ain’t that hard, see?

Take care,
A.

Writers and their tools

I saw a post on an entertainment page the other day *cough*9gag*cough* about famous authors and what they use for writing.

What they prefer, for writing.

Most used some sort of pen, glorifying it as if the pen was actually the author, not them. One used a typewriter, one a computer, older than dirt.

I sat there and scratched my head.

Not because they used that shit, or glorified it beyond belief (as if they got paid for it?).
But because I always saw them waaaaay beyond my reach, still do. I could never come anywhere close to their league, let alone play in it (I’d lose, I know that).
As I thought about that I also had to think about my writing preferences, and I shall let you in on them.

ANYTHING THAT I CAN USE TO BRING THOUGHTS INTO WRITTEN FORM.

Be it my tablet, cellphone, netbook, notebook, desk computer, pen and paper, nails and flesh.

Thought -> something -> written out

Perfect!
I don’t have a favorite writing utensil, no fetish for a certain tool, other than my mind, I don’t need shit. I don’t need the perfect pen, a reliable trusty old computer or typewriter from the GeStaPo! I need a tool to bring thoughts into written form, and that is it.

It is my opinion that as soon as you glorify your writing utensil, you’re on a downward slope. I obsiosly seem to be mistaken, since all these famous and successful writiers do it, but for me it doesn’t work.

To my fellow writiers out there who have issues with this as well, keep writing on what ever platform is handy to you, and don’t strive to be like the famous ones. You are unique. Your writing is unique, and so it should be with how you write.

Carry on,
A.

The idiot and the printer

In this little tale I am the idiot.

A few years back I wanted a new printer, but Mr. Fancypants couldn’t take an ordinary one. No, I wanted a laser printer!

Let me tell you my reasons: if you’re printing in large quantities it’s cheaper per page than ink. And if you are like me and you forget you have a printer until rediscovering it during spring cleaning a year later, you just fire that bitch up and print!

When an ink cartridge nighs it’s end, you get fading colors, and finally, death. When a toner cartridge nighs it’s end, you get fading colors, then you shake that son-of-a, put it back in, voila: five to ten more pages. Repeat from shaking.

Of course, there comes the day the shaking has no effect anymore. That is the day you realize that you are fucked!

My wife looked it up. 57€!
I ain’t got that. Or rather I could liquify that, but won’t!

Now the ink lovers will yell “Oha! We can refill our cartridges!!!” To which I say, yes, but it won’t last as long and once that shit dried up, you can’t refill squat!

In all honesty, if you are a private person like me, take both printers, and put them on a table. On thatsame table you put the fax machine and the video-cellphone from last week, and you set that table up in a gravel pit, now, leave.

Once at a safe distance, or better yet inside a shelter, detonate the explosives that you put in place of cartridges, paper and the battery of the video-cellphone.
That’s how you solve the printer question. And all other questions too. Seriosly folks, if you need to print something, print it at work, or go to a copyshop. And for frak’s sake, get photos developed, not printed!