Posts tagged ‘pink’

Life ain’t that hard, love.

Since I’ve been reading in the newspaper recently about a new “edgy” dating show on TV, where the single individual and the applicants to win her heart, are all blindfolded and kiss, so she can, in the end, select one of the kissers based on his “oral”skills, despite never having seen one of them nor knowing anything about their personality, I have decided to break out the old advice column.

Look people, finding love isn’t that hard, to find someone to date, follow these simple instructions:

♥”To know where you’re going, you must know where you come from.”, meaning: define your own fucking interests! Write that shit down if you have to. (For example: “I like wading through manure naked, bathing in swine intestines and reading racist manifestos of psychotoc mass murderers.”)
♥Your standards are not everything. If you are single for a considerably long time (5+ years, I’d say; a year and a half is a hiatus, not a drama) and you desperately want to change it, but can’t seem to find the right one, maybe the problem isn’t “them”, but you and your standards. Tweak them. (For example, if you are looking for a super nerdy Taylor Swift lookalike that is into fat older guys whose most romantic activity is taking long walks on the beach in warcraft, and could name every character ever in Star Trek, Star Wars and Dr.Who – give up.)
♥Now that you have your interests and tweaked standards ready, go out. Meet people (of your preferred gender) and talk to them. During online dating just make sure that you’re chatting with whom you think you are. (Video chats are a thing.)
♥Do not fuck right away! Sure before you eventually invest a ton of time in the other person, or even consider marriage, you want to know whether they are any good in bed. On the second or third date. For the first one the following applies: You can kiss, but no fucking.
That’s desperate, or cheap. Which brings me to…
♥”I’m running this monkey farm now Frankenstein, and I want to know what the fuck you’re doing with my time?!” Meaning, don’t waste everybody’s time. You need someone who has brains. Let’s be honest, the purchase and maintenance of a blowup(fuck)doll is cheaper in the long run, than supporting a bimbo (of any gender) that looks good, but is dumber than dog shit floating on piss, who is good for one thing, and one thing alone – intercourse.
♥Times goes by. Do not rush things. If you get pregnant right away, or married after a month or two of you two meeting – shit might hit the fan! Take your time!
♥Pink glasses – it may irritate you if a jaded old frak like me says this, but of you don’t have the pink glasses feeling, you ain’t in love. Additionally, once the pink glasses feeling fades away, and the shininess of the relationship has been replaced by the same old routine, and you still couldn’t live without the other person – congratulations! That, is love.

There. Fixed that problem before it could fester and give you an inflammation of the heart. One last thing: a healthy, stable relationship needs trust, effort and work. You’ll need to compromise on many things, and share both laughter and tears.

Addendum:
Now I know that none of these “dating shows” are real. They’re highly scripted mini series depicting people with various damages to their psyche. But the idea(l)s and themes they transplant into people’s heads are real, and the consequences are. 
Stop watching any of this gobshite.

Take care, A.

Airrefresheners / Room sprays

A word to the people who make these: thank you for trying to combat the stenches of life, now would you kindly STOP MAKING EVERYTHING WORSE???

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The image here is in German, it reads “Heaven freshness” and Lavender …. what DOES heaven actually smell like?
Really, I mean?
Ozone?
Thin air?
Ionised solar particles, allegedly smelling like welding?
This stuff don’t smell like that!
Or is it the limb removing cold they try to reach? Trust me – you can’t with a plastic bottle stored at room temperature.

And lavender!
We have lavender at home, and I can tell you that whatever this stuff smells like, it is not lavender.
If this label was honest it’d say “this smells like the color pink”. (Note, it doesn’t say “heavenly freshness” = “himmlische frische”)

Speaking of the label – Aqua Nature?
Come on!
This is as far from Nature as (in)humanly possible, a name like that isn’t even acceptable for some fancy, bottled water, and definitely not for an airrefreshener!
And while we’re at it, water is color and odorless.
Odorless!
So, no, you can’t call your heavy scented, chemical cluster frak anything related to water, or nature.

Before I close today’s post, one last thing: I hope that the date printed on the back of this is the date it was bottled, not an expiration date. Because if it is one, we have long run out of it, which might explain the stenchsmell…
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Take care, and open a damn window, people…
A.

Be my … EYECANCER!

EggFor all the hopeless romantics out there, desperate of bestowing a small defenseless lifeform on their beloved, but who are either unable to make babies happen, or are barred from doing so (by said beloved), there are two choices.
One: give them a real lifeform – not a VD – that might shit all over their home; which would result in any chances with the “beloved” melting away faster than snow thrown into a pit of lava;

or

Two: give them a small egg of hardened pink plastic with heartshapes. In and off itself already an eye soring cancer growth, one could keep until easter if no beloved is available at Valentines day.
BUT!
This is actually a remnant of the past. An archaeological “treasure” of electronic vomit inducers.
A Tamagotchi!
Yes, the cutesy, electronic, beeping nerve strain, constantly shitting in its egg, needing food and attention. It’s here for all those hopeless romantics who rub on people in the subway, as a distraction from all the beeping, buzzing, chiming and other electronic insanity that takes places in their pockets…