Posts tagged ‘Piss’

Raw Water

The newest fad from the “wholesome”* crowd.
In short it is untreated water.
The chief lunatic behind this looks like he is in bed with the headspace idiot – both metaphorically and literally. How many people have died from dysentery and cholera from untreated “clean looking” water since the turn of the millennium alone (let’s ignore Oregon trail times)?
What baffles me is, how did we get from “We don’t want untreated water that the deer, bears and forest hermits piss and shit in” to this shit??
How did we get from “We want hospitals with nurses, doctors, clean sheets, vaccines and medicine” to “better chew on some rabbit droppings, drink turpentine and bleach, smear mud on the wound”???
This is your flock of black sheep, political left, these are your people. Reign them in, otherwise the political right wins.

It is cases like this I ask myself why I am burdened with a conscience. I could design neat jugs and sell virgin water – untreated spring water that big titted blond virgins bathed in before it was bottled. Improves your health, increases your attractiveness for women, and your sexual stamina for men.

I’d be rich.
Filthy rich.
Excuse me.
I have to draft a few things and apply for a loan…
Take care, A.
*bat shit crazy, without insulting bats, feces our people no longer in possession of their faculties
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Odd encounters

So I was going to relieve myself in this restaurant’s loo. 

Standing there ready to do what I came there to do, I feel the empty, judgmental gaze of a hollow eyed skull, weighing down heavy on me.


Above each of the three urinals hangs a deer skull, staring down, empty, hollow and filled with both dust and disgust. 

It had died, so it could watch you pee, for all eternity. The ultimate, and may I say, deserving, fate for an animal that doesn’t run when a car is speeding towards it.

May the lord have mercy upon their oh…he won’t.
Take care, A.

Life ain’t that hard, drinking!

No, not that kind of drinking.
The one that doesn’t involve alcohol.

If you’re like me, then the suggested, supposedly “healthy”, dose of at least 2 liters of water per day is an unbearble summer reading assignment, equal to having to read war and peace over the weekend and write a paper on it.

Look, life ain’t that hard, in order to keep “hydrated” and healthy, just follow this simple guideline:
1. Nature blessed us with a sense that alerts us if we need to drink: THIRST! If you’re thirsty, drink. If not, don’t pump more stuff in. If that results in 0.5 liters a day, that’s fine, your body seems to not need any more.
2. The urban legend of coffee (or caffeinated drink) dehydrating the body keeps getting passed around like a nasty STD. Were it to be true, I would look like a desert mummy from the Andes! I don’t. I’m healthy and alive. So keep drinking it, even to quench your thirst.
3. Once your piss starts to be colourless, stop drinking so much. You’re not a fountain.

There. A concise list on how to drink healthily.

If by any chance you give in to the pressure and give this shit of drinking at least 2 litres of non-alcoholic and non-caffeinated stuff a try, and then someone asks you, after a week, whether you feel any better – piss on them.
That’s the only feeling that I have, since starting this trial run: the urge to pee every fifteen minutes.

Take care,
A.

Random rant

•”She threads two rats asses on some string to hang in the livingroom, when you see why, it’s pure genius!”

No.
Not it’s not.
It’s mundane silly clickbait shit. Cut it out! No one cares why dad is erecting a 30 ton concrete monument around this sickly (possibly already dead) tree. Or why we all should pour thirty liters of diarrhoetic shit into the oven to bake for ten days at fifty thousand Kelvin.
It is probably some mundane shit that no one in their right mind would consider “genius”, or “brilliant”.

YOU won’t believe how easy it is to generate honest clicks without angering people: create content, assholes.

•We just had an election last week.
Murica is having one next year. Already I am fed up to the brim with politics.
How so? Let me answer this with a parable:
In order to evaluate whether a new bridge is nevessary or not, all the leaders of all the parties (leading and opposition) journey to the riverside. There’s no way across as the old bridge is crumbling away, they see some folks on the other side of the river and yell: “How do we get to the other side of the river?” (To get a look at stuff from over there)
To which the people mockingly reply: “You already ARE on the other side!”
Conclusion, opposition and leading party(ies) agree that no new bridge is needed, because they were able to get to the other aide easily.

Sad thing, this is probably happening right now somewhere, or has happened very recently….

•I hate the piss weather. But it could be far worse:

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I smelled the blue ocean, and I gotta tel you folks, if I had to live near a large body of water that stank like toilet cleaner, I’d have to murder at least seven people and thirteen goats daily, just to make it through life.
Gladly, real life doesn’t smell like this chemical approximation of “annoyed – the smell”.

As always, take care,
A.

Crappy Birthday in September

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This is the perfect gift for people who overcomplicate everything, including and especially taking a dump.

If your victimfriend likes the feeling of warm toilet seats (aka touching asses) and has to crap in a badly heated glass box so a feet warmer and discreet panel illumination are just their thing, and they like to s(h)it for hours on the bog listening to music, getting their buttholes (or in case of female friends, their vaginas) massaged by an oscillating/pulsating bidet stream – go for it.

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6,650.00$ is a price readily paid to give someone you hatelove the displeasure of this square-ish toilet.

Just ask in advance if the bog is e-mailing or twittering the times and durations, as well as chosen bidet programs for each individual user. The world has, after all, a right to know.

Have a crappy birthday, quite literally,
A.

Homeopathy

So I have to talk about the problem I have with homeopathy.

 

There are solutions with potentials that are equivalent to an Aspirin that has been dissolved in the Atlantic Ocean:

And you cretins expect my headache to go away from a (few) drop(s) of Atlantic Sea Water?? Fuck you!

While I would like to believe that it could be the real deal – there are not active ingredients involved. Magic works like this, energy is being transferred for one purpose or another.

But that requires an active sending party and at least one active receiver.

But there ain’t either one: There’s an odd flower, take one petal, ONLY ONE, you grind that shit up, dissolve it in one quadtrillion liters of water with alcohol and with a lot of faith the ground petal dissolvent will help you!

 

It’s all about the memory capability of water!

 

Although no empiric evidence can be presented, some people claim that water has the capability of remembering stuff. Like that hollow Austrian Tyrolian nut Grander. He has some energized water filled in a container that will be adjacent to your watersupply so the water flowing by will LEARN from the information water. They sell it for shitloads of money!

Ey, who’s to say that my water isn’t a bad influence for the information water? That my water isn’T giving the information water some bad behavior?

 

Now here is where my problems start to pile up.

 

Magical thinking, okay.

 

Homeopathy, still okay, even though no molecule of the original herb is anywhere to be found.

 

Information transfer – stop. If this would be an accurate theory – and it is a theory, much like the god crap – then this would imply that ALL the water that there is on earth, remembers. Remembers back to when this water – whether it is vapor, liquid or frozen – was PISS!

Every time it rains it is – according to this theory of a memory effect in water – RAINING PISS!

And don’t give me crap about the water remembered something else instead, like how nice it is to be spring water.

Don’t get me started.

Most of the water on earth has been more often PISS than it has been fresh spring water, so it would remember that which it had been more often – piss. Or Sea water.

Or seawater piss.

So you see, the entire “Water has Memory” theory is utter and complete bullshit.