Posts tagged ‘pissing’

Odd encounters

So I was going to relieve myself in this restaurant’s loo. 

Standing there ready to do what I came there to do, I feel the empty, judgmental gaze of a hollow eyed skull, weighing down heavy on me.


Above each of the three urinals hangs a deer skull, staring down, empty, hollow and filled with both dust and disgust. 

It had died, so it could watch you pee, for all eternity. The ultimate, and may I say, deserving, fate for an animal that doesn’t run when a car is speeding towards it.

May the lord have mercy upon their oh…he won’t.
Take care, A.

Life ain’t that hard, drinking!

No, not that kind of drinking.
The one that doesn’t involve alcohol.

If you’re like me, then the suggested, supposedly “healthy”, dose of at least 2 liters of water per day is an unbearble summer reading assignment, equal to having to read war and peace over the weekend and write a paper on it.

Look, life ain’t that hard, in order to keep “hydrated” and healthy, just follow this simple guideline:
1. Nature blessed us with a sense that alerts us if we need to drink: THIRST! If you’re thirsty, drink. If not, don’t pump more stuff in. If that results in 0.5 liters a day, that’s fine, your body seems to not need any more.
2. The urban legend of coffee (or caffeinated drink) dehydrating the body keeps getting passed around like a nasty STD. Were it to be true, I would look like a desert mummy from the Andes! I don’t. I’m healthy and alive. So keep drinking it, even to quench your thirst.
3. Once your piss starts to be colourless, stop drinking so much. You’re not a fountain.

There. A concise list on how to drink healthily.

If by any chance you give in to the pressure and give this shit of drinking at least 2 litres of non-alcoholic and non-caffeinated stuff a try, and then someone asks you, after a week, whether you feel any better – piss on them.
That’s the only feeling that I have, since starting this trial run: the urge to pee every fifteen minutes.

Take care,
A.

Life ain’t that hard, public transportation

You know what would make the daily commute a real treat? Less of any…

Riding the bus, or anything else public transport, isn’t exactly complicated, it’s fairly easy.  But all the while people have trouble with it, so to make it all a little less shitty, a little less smelly, a lot less noisy and overal a little bit nicer, here it is, simply read and remember (or print out):

☆Beforehand: Take a shower, or use deodorant. But do not bathe in cologne/perfume! Do not apply any of this stuff at the public transport of choice
☆Beforehand: Brush your teeth, or get a strong gum. Do not use strawberry toothpaste, or brush your teeth in public transportation!
☆Food isn’t sold or served in the vehicles, so don’t eat there! You’re not a Hobbit.
★It’s not a restroom, so don’t shit, piss or, if possible, vomit here! And don’t change your tampon either!
☆This ain’t a watering hole, get drunk elsewhere.
☆Earphones yes, Speakers no. No one cares for your shitty taste in what you wrongly call “music”.
☆This ain’t a phone booth, if you get a call, tell them you’re busy, don’t call anyone. If everyone did it, the noise would be unbelievable.
☆This is not a Singles Bar, stop hitting on people!
☆Do. Not. Fuck. There! Seriously, does this need an explanation? (This includes dry humping.)
☆Old, pregnant, handicapped people with infants get your seat if you are NOT in any one of these categories.
Doors. Nuff said.
☆Don’t deal with or consume drugs in the public transport, or adjacent places.
☆Busses, Trains, etc. are not a stage for you aspiring ‘musicians’, they’re not the catwalk for all you pretend ‘models’ and they’re not a good photo op. Got it? Good.
☆Unless you need help (heart attack, etc.) or help (lost) or help (getting mugged/groped/etc.) DO NOT TALK TO STRANGERS
☆Throw garbage into litter bins, especially chewing gum! Don’t you get my butt stuck to the seat.
☆Don’t fight. This isn’t your territory, it isn’t contested. It belongs to the government/transportation company.
☆If you are with one or more friend/s keep your conversation at a low volume, if you’re deaf – learn sign language.
☆Old people, well into retirement, this one’s for you: During rush hour, stay wherever you are, but stay away from public transport. Same with women who have small children.
★Bicycles, don’t bring them here. Seriously, be a nuisance elsewhere, but don’t come here with your thing (soon!)
★Escalators and Elevators, holy crap, we really have to explain these too? Okay, soon…
☆Take your feet off the seats, take your bags of the seats. Or else some of hour fellow commuters might become hostile.
☆This ain’t your bed, so do not lie across two (or more) seats. Your options are: sitting and standing.
Or you can walk.

See? A concise list, easily committed to memory, a small print out.
Or, as I would call it “COMMON FRACKING SENSE”.

Take care, and
☆Get a friggin ticket before taking the ride. No bullshitting your way out of it!

A.

Random Commentary 12 June 15

I am deeply disturbed by and concerned over the fact, that I have arrived at a point in my life, where I am not enraged or surprised by, the news of a government (on planet earth) in the year 2015 (46 years after the moonlanding), convicting and imprisoning tourists for getting naked on a so called ‘sacred’ mountain, blaming said tourists to have thus caused a deadly and devastating earthquake.

I am not surprised.
I am not enraged.

Why not surprised?
Have you seen the world today?
There are people fighting to live in the desert their god has allocated them.
Tell you what, your god is an asshole, you should convert, or better yet become an atheist.
There are people denying shit that is IN FRONT OF THEM (global warming, evolution, vaccines, science in general) because it is not matching their scripture, or hippie faith.
So why on earth would it surprise me that a government is this backwards that it believes (or claims to) that a group of naked tourists causes earthquakes?

Why not enraged?
The nudists had a guide for the terrain who objected, because the mountain was considered ‘sacred’ by the natives.
So they KNEW that the spot they got naked and posed for a picture was considered sacred. Would they have posed nude on a cemetery? No.
Would they have gone full monty in a church, or a mosque, or a synagogue? Nope.
Why? Because many of them would’ve found that to be ‘indecent’. And they would (according to laws most everywhere) go to jail for indecency in a public space.
In essence, had they behaved the way they did there, some other ‘sacred’ site in a less lunatic country – still jailtime (or a fine). Much less, than in cuckoo land, but still.

Let us get this over with: a country’s government, obviously so retarded and backwards that Neandertals would look down on them, is over-punishing a group of people, who just pissed on another peoples faith and culture, blaming them for a natural desaster that would even have come to pass if the mountain in question was deserted except for a group of shamans.

Who is genuinely surprised?
Who is genuinely enraged?

Let me end today with a question: Suppose a group of tourists had gotten naked for a photo at the wailing wall, and Israel swooped down on their arses like a bag of hammers, would all those who cry foul-play now, cry the same tune then, or judge those ‘monsters’ for showing disrespect?
Exactly.

PS:
Just an FYI, I would not get naked anywhere even remotely public. I don’t have the physique for that. Even if I had, I am not that kind of person, I don’t even own any shorts (besides my swimming gear).
Do I find naked people (for what purpose ever) in a church, on a graveyard, in a sacred cave or on top a holy mountain offensive? NOPE!
On the contrary, frak religion.
Bring our good old traditions up to date, cultures are not a rigid unmoving thing. They need to evolve, to change, or else they die.
Nudity is not disrespectful.
If your theologians, or, worse, your politicians say, nudity (or kissing, or pre-marital sex) is a sin, question their sexuality, not the morality of naked (kissing, fracking) people. And then work against these theologians or politicians. As a collective, as a people.
Same with science. Or food.
Spirituality is neat, it’s a comforting thing. But do not let it interfere with LIFE.