Posts tagged ‘pitch’

Fracking Fairytales III

Rumpelstiltskin:
So, the miller has a loud mouth and brags to the king about his daughter that can make gold out of straw. King abducts the girl and locks her in a room with straw telling her to do it, or else she’s dead. Buhu, crying girl attracts IMp (Rumpelstiltskin) who offers help in return for her ring.
Done.
Second night of abduction, same story bigger room, more straw. Imp returns and wants the necklace. Deal.
Done.
Third night, even bigger room, even more straw, king says “Do it or I’ll behead you, if you get it done by dawn I’ll marry you.” – aaaaand here is where I start having REALLY big troubles with this story. In her place I would’ve cried again to make the Imp return, let the haggling begin and when he says “Give me your first born child” I would’ve said “Better deal, I’ll let YOU have my cootch, but in return, kill the king for me!”.
As we all know, that’s not what has happened in the fairytale. No. She agrees to his terms and conditions (without reading them I suppose, just like the rest of us) and she marries the king, and has a baby later on (by said king) – really? Are all women in these stories suffering from sever Stockholm Syndrome?
The courier, or hunter overhears Rumpelstiltskin chant his name and tells her, so she can keep the kid while Rumpelstiltskin tears himself in two! Gore factor, achieved. Abduction for marriage counting on Stockholm Syndrome, achieved.

Snowwhite:
You all know the story, and you all know the setting: A teenager lives alone with seven men. And she has to do the “household chores”. Guess what that includes?
But then she chokes on an apple, and supposedly dies. The prince then takes the dead girls body with him because she is soooo pretty. Possible Necrophilia! What fun times we live in, at least it isn’t Stockholme again.
She reawakens the bwitch is defeated and all is well…only the poor dwarves have now to do their “chores” themselves again.

Snow-White and Rose-Red (german: Schneeweißchen & Rosenrot):
I’m mentioning this, mostly just because of this:

That’s right a brothel is advertising with fairytale characters. Kudos!
Although I should mention here that two kids letting a bear live in their house for the winter should’Ve been eaten, even if the critter can talk. In the end the gnome who had enchanted the prince into a bear dies and the prince marries one of the girls and the other got his brother (woohoo, poor girl is the loser here, since she get’s the perpetual prince)

Fracking Fairytales I

Some of the fairytales we tell our children I find rather offensive to the human intellect.

I can remember that I found them silly when I was a kid, and now that I am going to tell them myself to my child I can’t help but cringe internally at their stupidity.
Luckily for me I can vent my thoughts about them here.

Please note: Of course they’re going to be rather german centered, as our native language here IS german.

Mother Hulda:
So the blond haired girl that works hard gets covered in gold and comes back, the lazy dark haired one gets pitch. Sounds to me like the dark haired one was just out of luck (or talent), and the blond one was working a stripper pole, or worse working the night.
“Where’d you get that gold girl?”
“Uuuhm…I pricked my finger, fell in the well, and helped that old lady?” Then the other one, stupid as she was, tried the same shit and just found mud in the well, but no old lady, embarrassed that she was such a dumb frack she told the same story only that se had been too lazy.
A load a crap if you ask me.

Hans in Luck:
So this idiot goes out, works and earns himself a huge friggin lump of gold. If the story would end here, I’d say – aptly named.
It doesn’t end there and it isn’t.
He trades the gold for something else, and trades and trades – getting something less valuable everytime- until he ends up with a millstone. He carries it onward home, get’s thirsty and the thing falls down a well. Now, he is happy to be rid of his burden, and everyone is happy.
WHAT?!?!?! If you read the story backwards – A magic well spits out an old mill-stone and he trades until he has a huge fracking lump of gold – YES!
But in this order? He’s the village idiot, and he loses the reward for his hard work during apprentice ship! THAT ISN’T LUCK! This is idiocy, and UNLUCKY! If you ask me that story could be renamed into “Bad Luck Brian and his gold”
(Don’t get me started on the metaphores for poor people in here: “The gold IS the millstone and it IS a burden, be glad that you are soooo lucky that you don’t have that gold weighing you down!”)

Rapunzel:
First of all, the name itself is an old german word for a certain salad.
Yes, salad.
Knowing that much already, you know what you’re in for: A tale of a Vegetable. (Insult & pun intended)
So this woman wants the salad that grows in the witch’s garden, her hubby steals it, the witch knows and wants in turn the baby. She imprisons the girl in a tower without doors.
So far, so good.
Cue enter prince! The idiot climbs up the tower with her hair and doesnt cut it off, binds it on the windowsill and climbs down with her.
No.
They flirt (yeah, “flirt” hehe…two horny teenagers alone in a tower without doors only “flirt”, especially when the gal never had seen ANY man before in her life!) then she tells him to bring a single thread of silk eachtime he visits so she can secretly weave a ladder out of it.
I’d have said yes, just like the prince did, but then I’d have gone back to my castle, told the stableboy to fetch me a strick-ladder and returned the next night with it: “Change o’plans my dear, Winter is coming and I need you to have my heirs, so come along now.”
But NOOOOO he continues with her fracking plan, until that kid with the loose mouth tells the witch “Why are you, much lighter than that young handsome prince, so much heavier to carry up?” – Jesus Hairdressing Christ!
So the witch throws her out and waits for the dude, who jumps out of the window in terror – now. It is 21 cubits high. Do the fracking math. Even an unfit blob like me could do that jump without serious harm to myself!
This guy, however, falls eyes first into thorn bushes and is blinded!
FOOL!
Here’s what to do: Decaptiate the crone, climb down and search for your love with two good eyes, get a hunter from the castle who could track the girl in the woods. If you’re lucky wolves haven’t gotten to her.
At least it ends somewhat well, although I had hoped they both drown in a sewage pond…

There will be more as soon as they come up, but these ones I had to get out of my system right away…