Posts tagged ‘poop’

19. Dec. 2014

Crap!This engagement ring, titled “Shit”, is a wonderful masterpiece of goldsmithery. It is kept slim and sleak to fit on every woman’s hand. The Crap is designed artfully and thus the dump accumulates to a few grams.

Perfect for the bitch you’re gonna marry, just to divorce the lying, cheating whore during the first pregnancy, which she announced a year and a half after you had your vasectomy…

Random Rant 11.Dec 2014

In advance dear readers, I have to apologise for any harsh language in this post. I’m angry.
Sorry.

Well, I got a call from my wife.

We seem to have forgotten to pay the Dog-Tax on time, and they had sent us one of their minions to collect the tax.

Listen here you numbskulls, you send a letter with an invoice, we forget to pay.
Okay.
That’s bad behaviour on our part, but after that, you send another letter. That’s how everything in this world runs.
It’s called “a reminder”. Usually added with a late fee. Begrudingly I’d even pay that, since we are at fault here.

But you don’t show up with one your cretins on our doorstep! And let us fill out a form whether the dog owner (my wife) is married (a simple check in your database could solve that question without annoying us/her), whether we have a car (again, look up the databases at your disposal. Is there a car registered under the name? Yes? Woooow!!!! Shall I make a LATH post for you?) who pays the rent (why on earth would that concern you? It ain’t your business who is paying the rent!!!) and so on.
Just be glad I wasn’t home during the time of this questioning. I would’Ve given you these exact answers.
“Are you married?” – None of your business. Look it up.
“Do you have a car?” – None of your business. Look it up.
“Who is paying the rent?” – Absolutetly none of your business. Draw a Venn Diagramm of people likely to pay the rent and play the odds.

I despise the ground these tax/fee collecting misfits cast their shadows upon, and I hope a meteor incinerates the ground they walk on.

The real issue I have with the Dog-Tax is not that we have to pay it, but that they demand 82(!!!!) Euro, and STILL they force you to pick up dog poop.
NO!
With that amount of money I’m throwing into the dumpster here I demand you bowlmovements pick up the dog poop yourself. Remember some many decades ago? You justified the taxation of dogs with “we have to pay people who pick up the dog poop”. Good, now pick it up.

82 Euro a year, I expect people in fine suits come and pick it up, not the usual grimey workers, no, suit and tie wearing thieves who otherwise would only gather dust behind a desk and waste organs and oxygen.
Go and pick up dog poop you anal-orifices!

Again, I must ask for your forgiveness dear readers.
I just had to vent this…

A.

T minus 16

Kill it with fire!Quick! Kill it with fire before it can lay eggs! Slay the beast before your soul is consumed by it’s malevolent grin!

I want to beat that smirk off the face of this creature, it’s ugliness only rivaled by JarJar Binks and the monkey from Lost in Space.
But I know why it is smirking like this: For anyone who buys it, that smirk is a constant reminder that they have wasted money on such a hiddeous thing! Seriously, this is better than a guard dog! Any burgular who breaks into your apartment stops in front of this things, crying, pooping and vomitting at the same time – law inforcement can just pick the culprit up and take him away.

If you have people you truly, TRULY hate – this is the perfect gift. Like a never ending backhand slap in the face this creature will stand in their living room constantly reminding of your newly inflamed feud.

Dog poop (Comedy)

“Your dog shat there!” (imagine an elderly woman with a ton of blame in her voice)

So? So it did lady! Look at the “grass” strip where my dog shat in. Plastic bags, plastic bottles and bottle caps, aluminum cans, metal bottle caps, glass bottles, glass splinters, cigarette buds…whenever there is dog poop not removed from this strip, it is a good deed.

My dog’s poop will be gone ENTIRELY in two weeks – tops! But the other stuff will be here when my great-great-grandchildrens great-great-grandchildren are on their death beds! And your biggest issue is dog poop?
Stuff that takes a thousand years or more to decay does not give you pause, but dog poop that will be fully decayed in two weeks? Really?

If I take the poop I substract vaulable nutrients from the circle of life. We humans do that already in a far to great a scale than to ignore further. Normally when a creature dies it drops dead, insects, worms, bacteria, scavangers take the body apart, they eat it, and poop it out later on. In that poop, in that shit, the nutrients are stored and returned to the soil. Plants use them to grow, bear fruit, which are eaten by herbivores who in turn are eaten by carnivores, who’ll get eaten once they’re dead. Both the herbivores and carnivores crap out nutritional dung for the ground to thrive upon.

What do we do with our dead? We gather them in special places, the soil there is rich and fertile, do we use it? NO!?
What happens to our droppings? Ah sewage treatment plants and then it isn’t used as fertilizer either. WE BURN OUR SHIT! We literally burn what remains then.
Taking nutrients out of the circle of life, the circle of nature, we keep substracting and wonder why we face a problem.

Lady, if I take that dog poop I’m actively participating in a further gang-rape on mother nature. You want to be an active rapist, pick it up yourself!

Besides, our city council told us, back in the day, that the dog tax is used to pay city employees who pick up dog poop.
Therefore, my duties are absolved.
I paid, I’m home free.
If the city council wants me to pick up my dog’s poop, they have to return my money. The dog tax has no validation anymore in that case. Period.

Me: “Yap, she did, didn’t she?”

Floosy: “I hope you step in it!”