Posts tagged ‘relatives’

Advices (part I?)

I am usually not one to browse the advice columns, and even if I per chance glimpse one or two funny things in there, I just quip about it with my wife and my best friend, and then it’s done.

But this time I’ve got to steal a format from Buckley. 

Dear anybody but the lunatic, 

I recently caught my fiancé and his sister together and broke up with him. I’d always gotten a strange feeling about their closeness, but I didn’t believe it until I saw with my own eyes. To my family and friends, it seems like I woke up one morning and decided not to get married. Everyone is pushing me to work things out with my fiancé. Initially, I wanted to keep what I saw between them and me. If I tell people they have an incestuous relationship, it would probably destroy their lives. I know they’re barely functioning and terrified I will tell people about them. I’m worried I will seem spiteful if I tell even a few trusted loved ones the real reason I called off the wedding. At the same time, I’m heartbroken too and don’t know how much longer I can handle lectures about “letting a good man get away.” Should I stay quiet or speak up?

Signed, let’s call her Lonesome in Lannisport.

(Note: The original advice columnist suggested at the end to tell people that the fiance was unfaithful and to leave it at that, as it contained enough truth.)

Dear Lonesome,

call me an evil maniac or a vengeful shitlord, but I’d say that you should tell them.
Tell your friends, your family, their family, the local newspaper, church congregation, everyone. 

If I got cheated on in preparation to our weeding, I’d make both their lives living hell. Siblings in an incestuous relationship, makes that only that much easier, as no one in their right mind would defend their behavior. You know, there is always some friends, relatives, counselors, or someone who side(s) with the cheater, rather than the cheated. Making up excuses. Trying to get you, the cheated, to see things from their, the cheaters, point of view. Not here.
We have a Jamie and Cersei situation here, and this ain’t Game of Thrones. Don’t be worried that it’ll ruin their lives if you tell. THEY should’ve thought about that before doing the dance with no pants together, and brought that all upon themselves. You on the other hand will get support from your community (friends, relatives, bla bla bla) instead of pressure, and they get what they deserve.

So please, tell them the whole truth, before a Geoffrey gets conceived. 

Take care, 

A.

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Crappy Birthday in March

Holy freak, I almost forgot about you folks needing this month’s birthday presents.

Here it comes, the costume to end all costumes, the cosplay to end all cosplay.

For 28 Euro you can look like a carcinogenic piece of pork. (With a smile that fills every creep with envy)
Ideal gift for your Jewish or Muslim friends, or their elderly relatives. Or yours if you’re from a faith forbidding pork.
A hearty laugh will be had in any case.

Gift this, our present yourself in this at any gift giving occasion this month, if you love to frak with people’s minds.
Drive them further towards, or further over, the edge. Redefine reality, and let them know, that you’re alive, and that they are too.
Whether they like it, our not.

Crappy Birthday,
A.

Christmas Calendar 2016

Hope you had a great time.

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31

31. Dec 2016

25 bucks and this wonderful masterpiece of fucking dragons fucking can be yours.

The year began with semi nude girls and carp (there’s a 2017 Carponizer, people), and ends with fucking dragons. 

Don’t ever say I wouldn’t be taking care of all your niche needs. 😉

Crappy new year!

24. Dec 2016

Discharge
What you can do with bodily fluids as a couple we learned from my mother-in-law’s best friend.

If you can’t read/understand German, you did not miss jackshit.
Perhaps if that obnoxious couple (the one you gave the underpants to) can, you can further the rift between them and you.
If they thank you … run.

23. Dec 2016 (NSFW)

27.90 € and this full functional Dildo made from dark chocolate can be yours.

The lonely housewife (-man), or crazy cat lady (or man), in your gift receiving circle of persons will be delighted. Even if they’re Hipster scum, for this piece is vegan!
It surely will satisfy all desires, known and unknown.

Get it now, and you can loudly, proudly and also lovingly say “Fuck yourself!”.

22. Dec 2016


Blinking Rudolph Earrings, for the Christmas-Nazi, or those you want to be marked as such.
You know, the cousin who scolds you for not having decorated the house ‘on time’, the aunt whose living room is looking like Santa’s torture chamber by mid November, the friend who knows every Christmas market intimately, without getting drunk each time.

Those people, who at the party are the Christmasiest person in history.

Mark them. This is the mark of the beast…