Posts tagged ‘satire’

Crappy Birthday in June

Know a smoker? Hate the living crap out of that fucker? Want to gift him/her with the worst curse from Pandora’s box – false hope?


Lucky you! 

This cigarette case, with the hopeful message of survival, whilst containing suicide in small doses, is the perfect gift for this occasion. 
Crappy birthday,

A.

People are obnoxiously dumb (n-th part)

Last week we had seen the garden expo. Part of it at least. 

Later my wife wanted to leave a review of the place on their Facebook page. Where she found a review from some woman that had visited the same day. 

Don’t try to find the post, it has since been deleted. (But we have screenshots)

A little context before I paraphrase. Here (as probably all over the northern hemisphere) cottonwood blossoms right about this time of year, releasing their seeds into the wind – hundreds of thousands of little woolly drifters floating with every gust of wind, covering grass, shrubs and playground. My primary school’s yard had these fuckers sitting right behind it, so I am accustomed to this stuff. 

This lady gave a 4 star review, subtracting one star because of these cottonwood floaters. Arguing in the discussion my wife started with her that it is an absolute horror for allergics visiting the garden expo. 

Let that reason sink in for a moment.

Cottonwood floaters are a nightmare for allergics visiting the GARDEN EXPO.

I am an allergic. When I said “Yes, let’s go to the garden expo” I anticipated that I will be suffering.
A lot of the shit on display is BLOOMING. If you are an allergic and you’re surprised that the garden expo, at the end of May, is giving you a hard time without your antihistamines – how are you still alive?

These are the same people who bitch about a sea cruise that when they looked out the window, they only saw the ocean, AND that they got seasick.

Just thought I’d share this little gem of idiocy with you.

Take care,
A.

Mother’s day 2017

Been to a gift shop, found these “innocent” party masks. 

I have seen that movie. Those three are going to have their way with a woman in an all night ravaging orgy. 

So, there’s a gift idea for this Sunday’s mother’s day 2017: If you don’t know mommies three “best friends”, just give her these masks, she’ll make good use of them. 

Crappy Mother’s day, and if you get a new sibling in February, and your mommy calls them an animal name like rabbit, deer or teddy/bear – you’ll know more than you ever wanted…

Advices (part I?)

I am usually not one to browse the advice columns, and even if I per chance glimpse one or two funny things in there, I just quip about it with my wife and my best friend, and then it’s done.

But this time I’ve got to steal a format from Buckley. 

Dear anybody but the lunatic, 

I recently caught my fiancé and his sister together and broke up with him. I’d always gotten a strange feeling about their closeness, but I didn’t believe it until I saw with my own eyes. To my family and friends, it seems like I woke up one morning and decided not to get married. Everyone is pushing me to work things out with my fiancé. Initially, I wanted to keep what I saw between them and me. If I tell people they have an incestuous relationship, it would probably destroy their lives. I know they’re barely functioning and terrified I will tell people about them. I’m worried I will seem spiteful if I tell even a few trusted loved ones the real reason I called off the wedding. At the same time, I’m heartbroken too and don’t know how much longer I can handle lectures about “letting a good man get away.” Should I stay quiet or speak up?

Signed, let’s call her Lonesome in Lannisport.

(Note: The original advice columnist suggested at the end to tell people that the fiance was unfaithful and to leave it at that, as it contained enough truth.)

Dear Lonesome,

call me an evil maniac or a vengeful shitlord, but I’d say that you should tell them.
Tell your friends, your family, their family, the local newspaper, church congregation, everyone. 

If I got cheated on in preparation to our weeding, I’d make both their lives living hell. Siblings in an incestuous relationship, makes that only that much easier, as no one in their right mind would defend their behavior. You know, there is always some friends, relatives, counselors, or someone who side(s) with the cheater, rather than the cheated. Making up excuses. Trying to get you, the cheated, to see things from their, the cheaters, point of view. Not here.
We have a Jamie and Cersei situation here, and this ain’t Game of Thrones. Don’t be worried that it’ll ruin their lives if you tell. THEY should’ve thought about that before doing the dance with no pants together, and brought that all upon themselves. You on the other hand will get support from your community (friends, relatives, bla bla bla) instead of pressure, and they get what they deserve.

So please, tell them the whole truth, before a Geoffrey gets conceived. 

Take care, 

A.

Starch Sticks

About last week’s fake food sticks.

It IS starch with flavour added in.

Bwahahahaha
I hate it when I’m right…

Oh well, can’t be helped. You vegan lot with your “alternative food” that is.

Perhaps you wish to wash it down with this drink?

Stay healthy,
A.

Eat Real? 

Found this questionable item in my local supermarket.
That’s right.
Supermarket.

Not the insane asylum that is the organic market.

“Eat Real”
As opposed to surreal eating?
Unreal eating? Should I be eating houses now?
What the fuck are you dimwits all about?
Dipshits.

Kale, Tomato and Spinach all don’t come in any way shape or form close to this stuff.
Is it made with an insane amount of starch? Therefore tasting like styrofoam, with some hint of “vegetable” taste?
Had the producers dunked the shaped sticks in fat and fried it to death? If so, what’s wrong with crisps/chips? Potato was a vegetable last I checked.
So it’s vegan.
Dipshits.

Listen. You want a tomato snack?
Easy:
Eat. A fucking. Tomato.
Kale?
Same. Fucking. Procedure.
Spinach?
Surprise!

Tomato even comes in a dried variant, so you have the same dryness.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people? Can’t you eat like normal humans? You know.
Real!

I do not demand you to eat meat, don’t get me wrong, but this shit is surely NOT how ANY creature should be eating vegetables. In dried out styrofoam pellet form.
Stop making weird food pellets out of *something* and call it food.
Eat. Fucking. Food.
Full stop.

Stay healthy, eat REAL food.
A.

Scary 

Easter came and went, and as such I, unexpectedly, have another trinket for you.

Because if I don’t, my brain will swell until my skull cracks open like an egg, so it can escape the fruitless pondering of “who thought that this was a good idea???”

This coloring book is neat, at first glance:

Googly eyes.
Until you change the page.

UNGODLY NIGHTMARE CREATURE, UNHOLY GHOUL FROM THE FIRE REALM! CALL 911, THE FBI, CIA, NSA, KGB AND CHINA!
Fuck me, this is creepy.

So, as an after thought, again a ghoulish happy Zomb…er…easter. 

Take care,
A.